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Our Sweet, Sweet Compensation for Centuries of Oppression
Black chick: Yo, you shoulda talked to that nigga at church.
Friend: You ain't supposed to say 'nigga' -- it's African-American month.
--Q train, Prospect Park stop
Overheard by: Jude
Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species
Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven't been in there yet. But you know it's not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain't never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl's. They got Kohl's in there?
--Uptown M7 bus
Overheard by: Always listening to other people's conversations
Spends It All on Hairspray
Black guy holding out headphones: Hey man, you like hip-hop music? It's all me right here, pimp!
Long-haired metalhead: Nah, man. I got nothing.
Black guy: White boy with no money? C'mon, I find that hard to believe.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Phil
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
They Won't Come Anywhere Near Us, And We Can Shop in Peace
Black guy #1: Man, we shoulda gone to the Target in Queens!
Black guy #2: Yeah! That's where all the white people go!
--Target, Inwood
Overheard by: amused white girl
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
He Spent the Whole Month High at Malibu Grand Prix
Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.
--Q Train
You've Seen Pulp Fiction Too Many Times
Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?
--7 train, 74th St Roosevelt
New York City Subway Stories
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
--F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
--1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That's what I'm talking about.
--A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
--A train
The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble
Black chick on cell: What? You don't want a picture of me? Huh? I said, 'You don't want a picture of me?' I'll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby's one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin' you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that's my baby baby.
--Coney Island
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
You Won't Be Laughing When the "Juicy" Diet Takes America by Storm
Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That's right, water keeps you juicy... [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I'm talkin' about! She exotic... She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh... She know what I'm talkin' about... Oh, shit, it's our stop... Thank God, because I'm 'bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]
--1 train
Overheard by: amused
Brother Gets Around
Garage guy: Yo, how much is the subway now?
Dude: Two motherfuckin' dollars.
Garage guy: Fuck that. A gallon of gas is less than that.
Dude: Dumbass, if you had a car, you would know that gas is more than $2.
Garage guy: Well, I don't.
Dude: No shit, dumbass.
Garage guy: My bitch do...ha, ha, ha.
--Park Slope parking garage
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
--Central Park
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
--Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?
--86th & 2nd
He Promises He Won't Threaten You for His Share of Reparations
Black lady: I really want you guys to meet my new boyfriend. I think you'll like him.
White lady: Okaaay. Um... How is he with white people?
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JD
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Hope She Doesn't Hanker for a Seeing-Eye Dog
Black chick: Yeah, I broke my sister's knee with a baseball bat.
White chick: Wow, me and my sister had some bad fights but your's top all our fights. You must really hate each other.
Black chick: No, I did it out of love.
White chick: What do you mean?
Black chick: My sister's in the Army Reserve. They called her unit up to go to Iraq. I hit her on purpose so she wouldn't have to go. I had to hit her twice to make sure her knee was broken.
--Tillary Street, Downtown Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Linezillas
Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
--Target, South Bronx
Overheard by: so this is the bronx
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?
--42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
--Washington Square Park
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
--F train
Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
--Monitor St, Brooklyn
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
--82nd & Lex
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?
--Upper West Side
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
You'll Get a Contact High
Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Confused white person
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
She Meant the Melanin
White girlfriend: You've got something on your face.
Black boyfriend: It's probably your hatred.
--Barnes & Noble, 8th Street
Overheard by: m-Co
He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection
Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations
Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hooo...
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating -- that's bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won't say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin' just fine. She's all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.
--R train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
This Is the Line Vader Should Have Taken with Luke
Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.
--E train
But Geminis Go Both Ways
Black chick #1: Geminis are the only people we need in this world.
Black chick #2: No, I think you're wrong.
Black chick #1: What sign are you?
Black chick #2: I'm a Libra.
Black chick #1: No, we don't need no Libras, Aries, or Tauruses.
Black chick #2 to her friend: What sign are you?
Friend: I think I'm a Scorpio.
Black chick #1: I've fucked a few Scorpios, they're okay.
--2 train
Overheard by: Just wanted to get home
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Is It Crown Heights Day Already?
Jewish man: But I was here first! I was waiting!
Black chick: All right sir, just calm down. It doesn't matter. Get a life.
Jewish man: Why don't you go back to jail?
Black chick: Yeah, and why don't you go get some viagra or something?
Jewish man: Yeah, I'd need it for you.
Black chick: Fuck you, bitch!
--Court Street Office Supplies, Brooklyn Hights
Overheard by: mrmcd
The NYC Subways (A Very Short Story)
Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don't just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease...Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!
The doors finally close.
Hobo: It's about fucking time! We're riding slower than if I was on a turtle's back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!
A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.
Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That's too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please...cocksucker...Por. Favor.
--E train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Personal Foul
Black kid: Miss, buy some candy to support my school's basketball team.
Indian woman: No thank you.
Black kid: Man, you people don't buy nothing. But you sure speak good English.
--40th St. & Lex.
Wednesday-One-Liners Head to Pound Town
Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went 'woo-hoo!'
--60th & Amsterdam
Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn't make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it'll be you.
--116th & Broadway
Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.
--Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Artie
Black guy: I'll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don't give a fuck!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: biz
Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?
--Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway
Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!
--Elevator, 168th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It's the only way they could have worked it.
--La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Schroeder
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called 'Caucasian'
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man's shit in there.
--Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
--Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they're coming
Woman: But it's Aryan night...
--116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I've got three kids at home -- I'll take anything. I'll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people's money, change, food, weed... I'll even take white people's money.
--1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain't come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
--7 train
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
I Don't Think This is What Rosa Parks Meant
An Asian woman is talking loudly on her cell phone
Fat Black lady: You need to move to the back of the damn bus. We don't wanna hear that ching-chang ching-chong bullshit!
--Q34 bus
Overheard by: Lauren
A Benetton Ad, It Isn't
A black girl tries to squeeze past twin asian chicks and a little asian boy to get into the train.
Black girl: Do you mind?
Asian chick #1: Don't be rude, can't you go around us?
Black girl: I don't move around people; they move around me.
Asian chick #1: You're inside now, so please stop yelling at us.
Black girl: You are so rude! Is that how you talk to people in front of your child?
Asian chick #1: You know, I'm tired of listening to your crap. Talk to the hand.
Asian boy: Yeah, you talk too much. Talk to the hand!
--A train
The Guy with the Long Arms?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
--In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn't want to get involved
They Eat It Here, Too (Chelsea, Mostly)
Black woman: In Japan or Asia, one of those countries, I hear they eat penis. Like in the restaurants, I mean.
--Shakespeare & Co., Flatbush
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer
"The Bronx" Is What He Calls It, Too
Black guy #1: I've been banging her for four weeks now.
Black guy #2: Word!
Black guy #1: Yo, I just found out Ty was banging her, too.
Black guy #2: Man! You can take the ho out of the Bronx but you can't take Bronx out of the ho.
--F train platform, Bryant Park station
Overheard by: Sal S.
Staten Island Just Keeps Getting Classier
Staten Island chick: These kids used to go the playground by my house and wind a rope around the merry-go-round and then tie it to the bumper of their car and drive away so the thing would spin outta control--like really fast--until one time some girl got thrown like 20 feet and she died. Then they took it out.
Brother #1: What? Wait, she died? How old was she? Like a kid? How old? How old?
Brother #2: She was 92. She had a full life so you really can't feel all that bad.
--50th & 6th
Careful, He Wants You to Drop Your Guard
A large bearded black man is holding a big white sign that reads: NINJAS KILLED MY FAMILY. I NEED $$ TO LEARN KUNG-FU AND GET REVENGE.
Drunk yuppie: Ha, ha. So dude, are you really going to become a ninja?! Ha, ha!
Black guy: Nah, man. This is just for humor. This ain't for real.
--Broadway & 76th
Overheard by: M-Co
As Fucked Up As "Working Her Like a Slave"?
Black chick: ...I will never work with her again. She told me, "you people" mess everything up.
She leaves.
White chick #1: Yeah, did she tell you about the designer that was racist to her?
White chick #2: No! That's so rude.
White chick #1: Yeah, I know. Even though she makes it kind of easy to be racist, that is so fucked up!
--Office ladies' room, 39th & 7th
And They Can't Dance, Either
Black woman #1: What is this?
Black woman #2: White people don't know what fried chicken looks like.
--Cafeteria, 17th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
'Til Your Third Stabbing Do Us Part
Female associate: ... See, that's his problem. He be startin' shit with niggas when he know he ain't armed!
Male associate: He gon' get stabbed again.
Female associate: He get stabbed again, I'ma be like, 'See ya!' You can't talk shit you ain't got no gun!
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Manhattan
Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations
Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!
--Parking lot
Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!
--57th St & 7th Ave
Girl: I'd love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we're not second cousins.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: tj
Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents' bed with my mom...
--Penn Station
Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don't know. Is Leland having sex with his father's girlfriend?
--Outside UCB Theatre
Ignorance Is Hell
Black man: It's hotter than Hades out there!
Black woman: Don't insult my country.
--63rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ash
Today, He is Truly an African-American
Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: drama
Somehow RuPaul Always Gets the Short End of the Stick
Black guy: It is the last day of Black History Month and nobody sent me a card?
White guy: Well then, happy Black History Month.
Black guy: Yeah sure, whatever!
White guy: No, seriously, thank you! Thank you for Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Richard Pryor...
Black guy: Well I guess tomorrow I have to back to sitting in the back of the bus!
White guy: No! What are you talking about? We don't pick on blacks anymore! That's what gays are for!
Black guy: Ohhh!
--Graham Street station
Overheard by: Philip Rafferty
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member
Negligent mom: He's a little boy -- that's what he's supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
--Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don't have one? You think I don't have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
--6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during 'Touch me, touch me' because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight... And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
--1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of... phalluses.
--Columbia University
I Have a Feeling the Best Part Came Next...
Fat black woman: Hey, watch where you're going! Say "excuse me" instead of bumping into me like that. Don't you know how to speak English?
Japanese girl: You need a diet!
--Penn station
Overheard by: JL
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Don't Want to Know What She Does When She Gets Her Hands on the Sunny D
Ghetto chick: They got some shit out there called Purple Motherfucker.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, I know about that. I don't like to talk about that shit, though.
Ghetto chick: That shit so good, make me wanna curse my momma an' shit!
--A train, between 125th & 145th
Overheard by: Deckard
Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing
Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.
--Subway to Archer Ave
Overheard by: Just a girl
Maybe If You Stopped Calling Them That?
Black guy #1: She'll probably holla at you before she hollas at me, though.
Black guy #2: For real! That's how white bitches are!
--Metropolitan Ave, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why's no one standin' wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It's 'cause we're black, yo.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
Turns Out One of the Airport Metal Detectors Was Actually Working
Black lady #1: So, what happened to her?
Black lady #2: She had to have her breast inplates removed! Can you believe that?
Black lady #1: Oh, shit!
--Jamaica Market food court
Overheard by: Pilar
He Shouldn't Stand Near the Tuxes
Black woman: You cut in front of him because he's black!
White woman: I did not, I just didn't see him!
Black woman: You didn't see him because he's too black?
--Bloomingdale's
Calling a Spade a Spade
Mr. Ivory: Why can't I say the "N" word?
Mr. Ebony: Certain people can't say certain things. Like we as Americans can say "Americans are so dumb to vote in Bush again", but let a Canadian say that same thing and I will slap his ass.
--East Village
Okay, I've Admitted I Have a Problem. What's Step 2?
Big mama #1: Who's saying I don't think I fuck up? I always fuck up!
Big mama #2: Shit! I was born to fuck up!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: D money
He Thinks Those Doggs All Look Alike
White man: Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look just like that rap guy?
Black guy: You mean Snoop Dogg?
White man: Yeah, him.
Black guy: Yeah, all the time.
White man: Are you related to him?
Black guy: Yeah, he's a distant cousin.
White man: Really? Wow! You must get this all the time.
Black guy: Yeah, even my girlfriend says it.
White man: Well, that must be the reason she dates you. She probably wouldn't date you if you weren't related to him.
--1 train
Dr. King Must Have Been Dreaming
White guy on cell: Yo, shit nigga, this shit the bomb!
Black guy: If you close your eyes, he almost sounds like the real deal.
--Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
I Come from Ironystan
Black Man (to African Man): Where are you from? Why don't you go back there, man?
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life
NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise...
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Lexey
Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I'd kill him.
--Freddy's Bar, Brooklyn
Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn't know it because I came out black.
--Museum Mile
Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot... No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you'd have to try out and stuff, but it'd so be worth it.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!
--Cardozo High School
MTA elevator operator to another: You don't have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.
--1 train station elevator, 168th St
Overheard by: martin gehrke
Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she's messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!
--Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: dutchman
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
He's on His Third Liver Now
Girl: Gross man, you eating White Castle. Nasty.
Guy: Yeah girl, these is good. I love them.
Girl: Guess you won't be loving them when the next time you take a shit, your liver comes out too.
Guy: Man, why you hatin' on White Castle?
Girl: You'll see.
--124th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: Fred Humphrey
She Hasn't Been Elected Yet
Black guy: Clinton was the closest we ever had to a black president!
Black girl: Aw, shit! Clinton is my nigga!
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: FTrainIsFunTrain
We May Have to Put It to Sleep
Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain't getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is sick pussy!
--Broadway & Lafayette St
Wednesday One-Liners Are Eating Cat Food
Newspaper hawker: Close your umbrellas, people! You're inside! You're going to poke somebody's eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw yourself down the escalator!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Brawd
Black guy on cell: Niggas with no money are contagious!
--7 train platform, 74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Flight attendant: Welcome to New York where the local time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in selecting your air travel, and on behalf of the pilot and the crew I'd like to thank you for choosing our bankrupt airline.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ldartjoy
Man on cell: There's nothing worse than a poor snob.
--115th & Broadway, outside Columbia University
Hobo: Don't anyone wanna donate to the broke-ass foundation?
--Houston St
Overheard by: Has been helped by that organization
Wednesday One-liners in the Family Way
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young black guy who took the last seat.
Young black guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!
--Union Square station
Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer
Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude's jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he's totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?...No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That's just what his brother told me.
--Q train
Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin's not gay...but he's more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I've ever known.
--Key Food, 4th & A
Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he's gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I've hooked up with like 3 gay guys.
--2 train
Guy #1: You know, I'm really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I'm gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple's all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it's because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg.
--Essex & Houston
Guy #1: I'm not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You're right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag.
--N train
Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas
Wednesday One-Liners Want the Drumstick
Little boy: The pigeon knows no fear.
--Central Park
Outraged 20-something to friend: He's the one who told me to put the duck in the eulogy!
--Columbus Circle
Guy on cell: Yeah, it's so hot outside I could cook a turkey between my legs!
--Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: Sharon
Extremely flamboyant black guy: I threw my corn, but I ain't throw no chicken! Okay?
--LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: waste not, want not
Little girl: Mommy, I just saw two pigeons dancing together!
--M66 bus
Guy: Is that a baby or a chicken?!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: emily
Was They for Serious?
Hipster girl: I still don't understand why they say "word."
Hipster guy: Well, I think it's because they don't know what word to use. Like, they get so excited they can't say anything else.
Hipster girl: Why don't they just say like, "Wow, that's awesome" or something?
Hipster guy: That just makes you sound like an idiot.
--G train
Overheard by: Justin Fitzgerald
That's It -- I'm Getting a Bigger Monitor!
Ghetto queer, mocking ghetto chick: 'It's been so nice seeing you again...'
Ghetto chick: You know, I've been friends with him for so long, but something about seeing him today was just so... different. I guess maybe his essence was just too big for a MySpace page.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Has been waiting for this.
Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be
Old black man #1: I'm gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man...
Old black man #1: Man, it's only 25 cents. And it's got page six!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "Hahaha...wait...black people? READING?" - pants
· "I always sleep under that one" - Mike B
· "Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper" - nyinsf
· "That's the quilted page" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
9 Months Later, They Had a Sicilian
Italian guy: Oh, fuck. My metrocard ran out. Think I can get on anyway?
Black bus driver: Yeah! But I'm sendin' Tony and Joey to come collect later!
Italian guy: Word, homey.
--M14 bus
Super Lucky Is When You Find One of My Hairs in Your Food
Black chick: I figured it out -- when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it's lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain't lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain't me doin' it. It gotta be me.
--Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don't need to be lucky, really...
It's Like Being in Subway Purgatory
Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' sideways.
--L train
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
--Williamsburg
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chelsea Miller
Cherry-Poppin' Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!
--No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Jas
Old lady: Enter the train... She ain't no virgin! Get in, get in!
--F train platform
Overheard by: Ritika
Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary's a virgin as of today. That's a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You're tellin' me that they got married, but Joseph wasn't hittin' that?
--4 train
Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin... No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat...
--N train to Astoria
God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I'm praying for his virginity.
--L train
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
They Do Have Lots of Wings in Asia
A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.
Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Chris Roberts
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--56th & Broadway
Overheard by: K.M
Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.
--Associated Supermarket, Astoria
Overheard by: Demy
Non Sequitur Theatre
Guy: I really hate it when people mop my feet. I am Jamaican, after all.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners Live Beyond Their Means
Black woman #1, to black woman #2: That's a real cute phone for a nigger without a job.
--Sprint Store
Overheard by: wigger with a job
Guy: I dunno, if I had that much money, I'd spend it on something else. Like pants made of diamonds...Or hookers made of gold.
--Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Hobo, to baby in stroller: You're a fucking moron, kid, wasting all your money on that shit!
--Central Park
Overheard by: PeggyG.
Stopping Anti-Semitism Should Be the Cheap One
Hobo: Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar? Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar?
Lady: Here, take $5. Now get off the train. You givin' us black people a bad name.
--D train
Except That The Jungle Is Natural
Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It's so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don't look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it's just that, he's really white and you're like, extra black, so it's like really jungle fever.
--D train
Are You My Asian/Pacific Islander?
Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.
--90th St, Elmhurst
Memories of the Meth Years
Black lesbian: I've been in this neighborhood for so long.
Black gay guy: Mhh-hmmmh.
Black lesbian: Oh man! See that brownstone? Years ago I was invited to a wedding reception there. It was awesome. Beautiful. I was sitting right up front and laughing and crying with the rest of the family, like, I love you ladies! Damn, to this day, I still don't know how the hell I got there, or who those bitches were.
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: grrryphon
More Like a Pickle
Sober black guy: Oh no, call the ambulance, white man down!
Drunk white guy: I know, I'm such a cracker!
--Lexington & 22nd
Overheard by: Zane Gould
I Knew There Was Something to Blacula
Guy: Why do all the white people in Harlem disappear at night?
Chick: 'Cause that's when we all wake up?
--125th & 7th
Why Even the Rich Love Public Transportation Here
A black guy with a boom box comes on the train.
Boom box guy: This next song is for everyone who don't feel good about himself when he get up in the morning. You gotta know that everyone is beautiful in they own right, and when you get up you gotta feel smoove.
He starts playing a song on the boom box and sings along. He and his three friends bop their heads to the beat and try to get other passengers to sing too. Then the conductor begins to makes an announcement. Boom box guy lowers the music.
Boom box guy: Everyone best be listening to what the man has to tell us.
--6 train
Girl: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Man: No.
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
That's Pretty Much What They Invented Clubs For
Two guys and a girl are walking down a street when a strange man sitting in an office chair rolls toward them.
Chair guy: Ah, this girl got two boyfriends! Mmm...Can a black man join the club? Can...a black man....join the club. Join the club.
--4th & Jane
Overheard by: marissa
NYC: One Fucking Big Happy Family
Drunk White hobo: Aw man, fucka that shit.
Hispanic deli chef: Man, you don't have to say that to me. I am your brother.
Drunk White hobo: You're right, brother...I am sorry, my brother.
--34th street deli between 8th & 9th
Black dude #1: Shut up, nigga.
Black dude #2: What the fuck. Don't call me nigga. I'm Puerto Rican. Call me a spic.
Black dude #3: Stop using that offensive language! No wonder everyone on this train is staring at us. We are all God's children. We all bleed the same. Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Pardon?
Black dude #3: Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Well, yes.
Black dude #3: You see!
--1 train
It Was So Obviously a Piece of Coal
Black woman: My god. This bagel is hard as a rock!...I mean I can't eat this shit. Can you eat this shit?
White guy: I'll eat it.
Black woman: Ugh.
White guy: Well if you dont want to eat it, I'll eat it. I'm hungry.
Black woman: I'm just sayin' it's the worst goddamn bagel I've ever had.
White guy: Honey, it's from Dunkin' Donuts. What do you expect? Domino's ain't good pizza and Olive Garden ain't good Italian, either.
White chick: Dude! Next thing I know you'll be telling her there is no Santa Claus. Go easy.
--Borough Hall 4/5 station
Overheard by: phil j
He Nailed If I Were a Rich Man
Guy #1: Where's DeShawn at?
Guy #2: Nigga's probably fucking that bitch from Saturday night, that nigga is a pimp.
Guy #3: Nah dude, he's at play practice.
--6 train
Wag the Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could've told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would've hopped on there and went, 'Bow-wow, motherfuck.'
--6 train
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Young girl to mother: Do you think I'm a dog? I'll tell you if I am.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: vm
30-ish woman: Tom's* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog... Rrruff!
--34th & 5th
Overheard by: hungry dog
Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs -- they're scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.
--Bus, Broadway
Overheard by: lora
Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Baron
Checkout chick: So, that's my dilemma -- do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master's degree?
--Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway
Overheard by: Jamie
So Does She, He Hoped
Little white girl: Hey, that's a cool pack.
Little black boy: Thanks! Have you ever taken the D train?
Little white girl: No.
Little black boy: It goes all the way to Africa.
--6 train
Overheard by: Nick Kindelsperger
It's a Very Trenchcoat Hannukah
Old Lady: Those kids in Columbine used to bully kids themselves. I saw an interview with one. You think the parents didn't know something was going on, the way they used to dress up like Hitler?
Black Nurse: Really?
Old Lady: One of them was half-Jewish, too!
Black Nurse: That don't make sense.
Old Lady: They think they're hot stuff. They don't care.
--W Train
The Court Order was Overturned
Guy #1: He's always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it's your weight that's keeping you from wearing Gucci.
--Queensboro Plaza station
Overheard by: Preebz
I'm Glad I'm Not Alone on This
White guy: God! This is taking forever!
Black guy: Hey man, you don't like it then go back to Omaha or Ohio or whatever square state you're from.
White guy: But I'm from Brooklyn.
Black guy: Then act like it!
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
That Place Being Any NYC Taxi
Asian guy: But it's the 21st century!
White guy: That's true, but there's always a place for racism.
--13th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: E. Jung
A preppy boy whistles and waves at a cab. The cab ignores him, and as it passes the boy yells: What's your problem, am I Black or something?
--Park & 55th
Habitual Offender Wednesday One-Liners
Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.
Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn't last a second in Attica.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: acep
Guy on cell: Jeff, it's me. Quick question -- when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? ... 'Cause these guys won't leave me the fuck alone...
--Staten Island Ferry
Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it's like in a Mexican prison!
--Pugsley's
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He's the chef at Michigan State Prison.
--Broadway & Spring St
Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that's one thing -- I wouldn't say nothing, 'cause that's God, you know? But she ain't God, and I'm about to go to jail over her ass.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: santos
Koko Just Gave Them Both the Finger
Black guy: You would like him 'cause he looks like a gorilla, and they are from the Amazon like you.
White girl: Dummy, gorillas are from Africa; you of all people
should know that.
--Liberty between Greenwich & Washington
Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I'll pretend to do something here.
--Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
--1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It'll get you on the train, it'll get you on the bus.
--A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn't let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
--over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
No Metrosexuals in Brooklyn
Screaming Black woman: Don't you raise a knife to me! Don't threaten me! That is not professional service! Don't you know how to serve customers? Never raise a knife to a customer! You're just lucky that there isn't a black man in here.
--To the man behind the counter in Dunkin Donuts, downtown Brooklyn
Urban Winetasting
Black Guy: You're gonna drink that? It'll make you throw up. You've gotta be hard. You need your nigger-tongue if you wanna drink that shit.
--Deli, 12th St. & 4th Ave.
Looks Like "Like White on Rice" is Over
Black guy #1: Ooh, ladies? Konichiwa!
Black guy #2: Arigato!
Asian girl: We're Korean, motherfuckers!
Black guy #1: Sayonara!
--7th & A
Overheard by: M!J
Black guy: Yo, I'd fuck the Chinese out of those bitches.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: JD
Is "Women" the Answer You're Looking For?
Black lady: He has a degree in computer science, just like his mama. He's teaching at some school for the mentally retarded. Can you believe that? Teaching computer science to retards: who would do that?
--J. Crew dressing room, Prince Street
Wednesday One-Liners Star in a Revival of Dreamcoat
Man: Tonight we'll go to the Polish restaurant, or we'll go see Spamalot. Either way, we need the laughs.
--Elevator, 250 West 57th St
Four-year-old standing and pointing as Gaston is about to stab the Beast: Nooo! Stop that!
--Lunt-Fontanne Theatre
White chick: I'm entirely too white for this show. That, or too Canadian. They spell 'color' without a 'u'!
--The Color Purple, Broadway Theatre
Guy on cell: I'm at Marie's Crisis. Yeah, everyone at the party was ugly, and so I left, and I figured if I'm gonna hang out with ugly people, I might as well sing showtunes.
--Marie's Crisis piano bar, 50 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Small child during Tarzan: He's dead 'cause he got shot.
--Richard Rodgers Theater, 45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Adam
Black 40-something lady passing theatre: Ain't dis a play o' somethin'?
--Outside Nederlander Theatre on 41st St
Overheard by: A-Mo
And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group
Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bacon
_UCK O__, YOU _RAZY _UNT
Black woman: You look like Vanna White.
White girl: Really?
Black woman: Don't she look like Vanna White?
Queer: Yes, but better.
Black woman: What do you mean better! Vanna is rich and shit. And on TV. And this bitch over here has nothing. She's on the subway, for Christ's sake!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: JR
Explain the Waffle Iron, Then
Black NYU boy: For some reason, every Asian here has a rice cooker.
Black girl: Why?
Black NYU boy: I don't know, I guess because they're Asian.
Black girl: That's so stupid. I'm black, but you don't see me with a chicken fryer.
--8th St & University Pl
Overheard by: yo mama
Skinny Crackers Are Good For You. Period.
Black teenage girl on cell: I don't care if he is a skinny white dude. I'm telling you right now, as long as I don't have my period I'm gonna screw that cracker.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Patriotic Feces? Old Navy's New Product Line Is Genius!
Black lady with five kids: You can't get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that's like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.
--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lora
And Her Sisters, While You're at It
Black guy #1: No son, you're cousins by marriage. It's not blood, so it's like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?
--F train
Overheard by: pearlywhirly
Watch What You Say -- They're Everywhere
Girl #1: But, like, why do all the gay guys have to be so hot?
Girl #2: I know. At least all the lesbians are ugly!
--Times Square
The Urban Statler and Waldorf
Black teen boy #1: What the hell is this?
Black teen boy #2: What are you, stupid? This is what they call
misinterpretive dancing.
--Union Square
Wednesday's One-liners for Christina Aguilera
Black guy: Man, nigga, you're really dirty. I mean, you're a slob, nigga. You're...you're a fucking Mexican.
--Union Square
He Knows What Today Is
Black cyclist guy: Where's all the black people around here? Did y'all eat all the black people?
White girl: They taste yummy!
--Houston & West Broadway
Overheard by: alyssa
He Thinks the Cones are Sort of Kitschy
Bodega guy: Hey, weren't you at the Mets game?
Black guy: I'd rather be at a motherfuckin' Ku Klux Klan rally.
--Bodega, Market & Monroe
Overheard by: benjamin lightle
The Self-Loathing Is Also Strongly Suggestive
Jewish boy: If I wasn't Jewish and saw Passion of the Christ, I'd walk out of the theaters screaming, "Let's kill those Jews for killing our Lord and Savior!"
Black woman: Boy, you shouldn't be goin' 'round screaming that.
Jewish boy: Um, but I am Jewish.
Black woman: How am I 'sposed to know that?
Jewish boy: By the fucking thing on my head and the fact that I keep checking for my wallet every second I'm talking to you.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: David
It Must Have Been Cotton
A chick been caught stealing by security. For some inexplicable reason, they let her yell at them.
Chick: This is not the United States of White-ass Bitches; this is the United States of America.
Chick: I'm owed this shirt because I'm black, bitches. I don't owe nothin' to you white folks. I'm owed this shirt because of slavery.
--Banana Republic, Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: helen r.
And, by the Way, 'Grammatically Correctly' Is Needlessly Redundant
Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: "I be trying" isn't ungrammatical. It's standard usage in African-American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.
--A train
Welcome to the Jungle
Black girl: I didn't want to say this in there, but have you noticed how all Mexican men working in bars and restaurants look the same?
White girl #1: Well I bet they all think that white women look the same.
White girl #2: Well all elephants probably look the same to gorillas.
--West 3rd Street & 6th Avenue
It's a Word That Only White People Can Call Each Other
White kid: I got into a full-on debate with a friend of mine over the N-word.
Black kid: I learn a lot of SAT words from you, so tell me: what is a
fulondevay?
--Brooklyn Debate Resource Center, East Flatbush
Overheard by: Lydia
Racialist Wednesday One-liners
Chick on cell: You know what's weird? You're a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that?
--F train
Overheard by: Julie
Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I'm from New York, I don't know nothing about black people!
--Boerum Hill bodega
A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man?
--18th & 8th
Girl: I don't want to be racist. I mean, not out loud.
--Broadway & Houston
Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny's Child!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
No, Because Ricin Clears People Out Like You Wouldn't Believe
Black girl: Oh my God, this train is crowded.
Japanese guy: In Tokyo, the trains are much more crowded than this!
Black girl: Why? 'cause they can fit so many more of you little guys on it?
--6 train
Overheard by: Carri
Wall Street is the New Chelsea
A well-dressed African-American businessman passes.
Thug #1: He a faggot.
Thug #2: Yo, shut up, man. That faggot got money!
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Maybe He Should Put a Ring on His "Finger"
Woman: I ain't havin' no more babies out of wedlock. I mean I only got this one here but that's it. He better put a ring on my finger if he want another one.
--Ave B and 6th St.
Don't Need No Crystal Ball
Girl: I'm going to do voodoo on her.
Guy: Is she black?
Girl: Yeah. The thing is that whatever you do comes back three times against you, so I'm going to have to do santeria to take it off.
--W Train
Never, Ever Smoke Mustelid Hair
Black guy #1: I got all depressed after I lost my hair.
Black guy #2: You what?
Black guy #1: My hair; I got depressed when I lost it.
Black guy #2: I didn't know you had a ferret!
Black guy #1: Shit yeah, but halfway through I decided to shave it.
Black guy #2: You shaved a fucking ferret? What the hell you do that for, nigga?
Black guy #1: I just hated losing it, so I shaved it.
Black guy #2: Man, I'm fucked up.
Black guy #1: Me too.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas men's room
He Was Watching Beaches
Black guy #1 listening to cell: Yo, no nigger should leave a weepy message like that. Nigger is soft.
Black guy #2: Stupid nigger.
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: CG
"I'll teach you the meaning of bon pain."
Little old man: Hold on! That card is full, so I get one free.
Jamaican lady: I know! I see!
Little old man: Don't be gettin' fresh with me either.
Jamaican lady: Or what? What you goin' do?
--Au Bon Pain, Broad Street
Overheard by: Mark S.
Proof: We Can All Learn From the Homeless
Black hobo: ...a Palm Pilot. It's like a super-powered cellphone. Damn, you're a ignorant-ass know-nothing white trash motherfucker!
White hobo: Who you callin' white?
--29th & Madison
Have a Happy Kwanzaakkah!
Waiter: Hey, wassup? I'm Sean. What's your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well...'cause, you know, I'm Jewish.
Guy: ...Okay.
Waiter: Uh, 'cause you know, Kwanzaa's a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn't know that.
--Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
Wednesday One-liners Need an Accountant
Black woman on cell: Listen nigga, I want my money. And don't just be giving it to me in drips and drabs...I want a lump sum, motherfucker. A luuuuump sum!
--145th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: James OBrien
That's Clearly What's Written There
White guy: Yo, what up my nigga?
Black guy: Chillin', bro.
White chick #1: Did you hear what he just said?
White chick #2: Yeah, but it's OK, he said nigga, not nigger.
--Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Uncle Ray Ray
Bill Cosby Is Spinning in His Grave
Black Kid #1: Yo nigga, how long are we taking this train up? Yo dumb nigga, answer me.
Black Kid #2: Yo what?
Black Kid #1: How long are we taking this train up for?
Black Kid #2: I don't know.
Black Kid #1: Niggers are dumb anyway.
--F Train
Nigligence Indeed
Black female customer: "Forget it, girl you must be suffering from NIGligence"
- At Au Bon Pain on 37th & 5th, when she just missed the 4-6pm half price baked goods by one minute, and the black female who worked behind the register would not let her buy them for half price
The Back Seat Driver Only Knows Stick
Chick: You should do it the right way, nigga. You should register that shit yo'self.
Guy: Fuck you, bitch. I'ma find somebody from my church to help me out, and that bitch gonna be suckin' my dick in the back seat, not you.
--DMV, Staten Island
Children of Wednesday One-liners
Schoolgirl: ...then the teacher said "Silence". Silence is just a fancy word for "Shut the fuck up".
--Union Square station
Black mom: Spatula, I've got two words for you: be-have!
--6th Avenue salon
Boy, 8: Sorry, Dad. I had to stop because my peg-leg got stuck!
--Park Slope
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
Deleted Scene from Mission: Impossible III
Hot Asian chick: Yeah, so I kept asking my boyfriend about how he had his ex finger his ass, and he got so pissy at me.
Gay black dude: Hmmph. He probably doesn't want to admit he wants it up the booty all the time.
Hot Asian chick: He said he pretended that he liked it when she she'd butt play him. I don't buy that shit.
Gay black dude: Honey, real men don't pretend. Run!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: henry
F--king with the Imports (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist lady: Does this A train go to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train doesn't go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: Is this the A train?
NY chick: Yes.
Tourist lady: And it goes to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train does not go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: But I need the A train.
NY chick: This is it.
Tourist lady: I need the A train to Jamaica.
NY chick: The A train does not...Oh forget it. This is your train, lady, get on!
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Cat
Tourist guy: Do you live here?...Excuse me, do you live here?
Black woman: Yeah, what do you want?
Tourist guy: Is this the 6 train?
Black woman: Yeah, sure.
Tourist guy: So it will take me to Grand Central?
Black woman: Yeah, no doubt...But it's weekend, so you never know where the train is going to take you.
--Q train
Overheard by: Josh
Bet His Pubes Are Big, Thick and Woodsy
Latina: Who you think got a bigger dick, A-Rod or Jeter?
Black chick: Thats a good one. I'm gonna say Jeter cause he half black.
Latina: True, true...
Black chick: Tiger Woods is half black too, but I bet he got a little rice dick.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Greg Sampson
Don't Forget the Ironic Lawn Jockeys!
Black guy #1: I don't want a fucking lawn.
Black guy #2: But that's the American dream.
Black guy #1: I swear, you have become such a bitch since you moved to Georgia.
Black guy #3: Yeah, that nigga's got a screen door.
--West 4th between Sullivan & MacDougal
Next Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Oh my God, did you hear? Liz has a date...yeah, with a guy...a straight guy...
--Time Warner Center
Overheard by: Cole
Suit on cell: Hi, I'm in Chelsea. I just bought the We Love Disco CD and two porn magazines.
--22nd between 7th & 8th
Black guy: Damn, those horses is gay.
--Times Square
Overheard by: seth scott barkley
Queer on cell: Hey, I got here early. The Starbucks is closed for renovations, so why don't we just skip to the blowjob?
--7th & Grove
Chick: He was getting blown by a trannie and right before he came he said, "get out of my car, you faggot" and that's how he knew he wasn't gay.
--W Hotel bar, Union Square
Overheard by: Somebody nowhere
Guy: I mean, he's weird. He'll let me make out with him, but he won't share his salsa.
--Bond & Lafayette
Queer: First of all, if I was going to have an orgy at four in the morning, I would not have carne asada first. Pttth! Second of all...um...carne asada is not pre-orgy food.
--Barrage, West 47th Street
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Queer: I'm never having sex with another virgin again. When the virgin is on the receiving end it can be such a pain in the...yeah.
--Bleecker & Macdougal
Woman on cell: Mom, he doesn't have an accent, he's gay!
--Madison & 52nd
Overheard Goes to the Cinema
Girl #1: He fine.
Girl #2: Who? Anakin?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Finer den Usher?
Girl #1: Nah, nobody finer den Usher.
--The Pavilion, Park Slope
Black guy: Yo, fuck the Jedi. It's all about the Dark Side. I'm the other Dark Lord you've been looking for.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Joshua S.
Girl: Oh my god, all this time I thought I was a Buddhist, but I'm really a Sith.
--UA movie theater, Union Square
Overheard by: Lara Evangelista
Where to Begin Correcting That Sentence?
A couple of black kids are pushing around a Hispanic kid, who is holding a spoon covered in chocolate pudding for some reason.
Black Kid: Wipe that shit off, nigger. Wipe it off!
--14th St. & 1st Ave.
Without African-Americans, English Would Just Sit There
Thug holding up cigarette: Sulfur?
Suit: Huh?
Thug: Fire?
Suit: What?
Thug: Burn?
Suit: I don't... Uh...
Thug: Spark?
Suit: Wha--?
Thug: Blaze?
Old black woman in nurse's uniform at next table: He wants to know if you have a match. Learn to speak English, nigga!
--Wendy's, Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Was Like, 'Pass the Joint Custody, Yo.'
Hispanic/black mom: Do you believe that shit? I was like, "You have got to be messin.'"
7-year-old daughter: Ya, I hope you told him.
Mom: Ya, I gave yo' daddy some shit. He ain't gonna come round no mo'.
--Water & Fulton
Overheard by: Fabiani
That's a 2000 Year Old Jewish Trick
Black guy: Hey, man, can you tell me how to get to all those buildings over there?
Hipster guy: You mean Manhattan?
Black guy: Yeah.
Hipster guy: Um, you can't walk there from here...unless you can walk on water!
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves
Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you've got one fuckable ass.
--Marie's Crisis, Grove Street
Overheard by: catherine
Hobo: How you doin'? How you doin'? I'm doin' good. Yeah, you know I'm doin' good, cause I'm lookin' good! And you know why I look good? 'cause I clean mah ass!
--1 train
Overheard by: Alex Valentine
NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won't be able to.
--Silver Building, Waverly Place
Chick: I can't believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, "Why don't you fuck me up the ass while you're at it?"
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
Thank You, Come Again!
Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
--488 Madison Ave
If the White Guy Leaves His Number, Even Better
Guy #1 (wearing do-rag): You know why I wear this shit, man?
Guy #2: Nah, man, why?
Guy #1: Because I love the stare. I love it when some dumb white guy stares at me and asks why I wear this so I can curse the shit out of that mothafucka!
--14th & 1st
He Also Blew the Whistle on Big Tobacco
Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I'm such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I'm on the Upper East Side and --
Black guy yelling: No, you ain't! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: --Sorry. I'm on the Upper East Side and I don't have time to go downtown right now.
--Union Square
Well, the Stories Were Cooked
Old woman: Man..Oprah done did it! Everyone loves that bitch, man. She was born barefoot in South Carolina and made it still.
Old man #1: Yeah, she's cool.
Old woman: You know what she did? She done gave everyone who was in that hurricane Christina a five hundred dollar baby stroller! She good like that. I love that woman.
Old man #2: Did you see that book guy, what he did to her?
Old woman: Uh-uh, no, what?
Old man #2: Some guy wrote a cookbook on her show--
Old man #1: No, no, man. He wrote a book about being a junkie and being in jail and it was all bullshit. That guy Frey.
Old man #2: Oh...I thought the book was about cooking.
Old woman: Well, his name is Frey.
--Bridge Plaza Clinic, LIC
Overheard by: Willie Hellenbach
I Suppose Human Decency Needs to Be Requested
White girl: I'm sorry, I don't have any money.
Black guy: I didn't ask you for nuthin', lady!
--57th & Lexington
I'm Sure He Has Just the Job for Her
Black guy #1: She's beautiful. Somewhere between Faith Evans and Beyonce.
Black guy #2: Faith Evans? That don't sound beautiful.
Black guy #1: Well you know, shape of the face is like Faith, and she's got that hair and skin like Beyonce. But she's really smaller than Faith. Her body is amazing. She's Caribbean.
Black guy #2: Oh. Yes. Caribbean. They do good work.
Black guy #1: Mm-hmm. They do good work all right. Good work!
--Madison Square Park
At Least We Know the Korean Guy Doesn't Hate Chinese People
2 Black teens sit at a table together, comparing the shopping they've just done. One gets up to ask for a cigarette from a middle-aged Asian dude sitting nearby. The Asian dude ignores the teen.
Black teen #1: Man, I hate Chinese people.
Black teen #2: Yo son, watch what you're saying. Look around you.
Black teen #1: I don't give a shit, man! I fucking hate
Chinese people.
Black teen #2: Besides, I'm pretty sure they're Korean.
--Greenstreets, 32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: enkie
Out of Towners: Meet the Black Israelites
Black Israelite: I blame all our problems on white people, you fucking cock-sucking slave owners. My kippa brothers are gonna get you, you hear me?! They gon' get you.
--125th St. & 4th Ave.
Overheard by: Ting
It's a Little Service I Run. Here's My Card
Big black lady: Oh, honey! What's wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh... It's nothing. I'll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: ... Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he... Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like--
Big black lady: --Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he--
Big black lady: --Because if he did he'll get an STD and die, don't you worry.
--115th & Broadway
It Stands for Keeping Us Safe from the Terrorists
White mom: Does this train stop at Canal Street?
Black guy: Yeah, it goes there, it goes there. It's not going there anytime soon. 'Cause you know what the MTA stands for? Might Take Awhile.
--E train
Wednesday One-Liners Say the Neon Lights Are Bright
Guy: Now, you know I want Tarzan the Musical to be a giant flop, but...
--54th & Broadway
Ghetto teen, watching Sutton Foster sing "You've Got Possibilities" from It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman!, the musical: Maybe these crackers be famous, but it's Broadway. This shit sucks.
--Central Park
Overheard by: warren freeman
Tourist chick, on cell: On Wednesday, we're going to see The Directors...The Directors...The Directors. C'mon, you know, The Directors! Oh, I mean The Producers!
--Sidestreet Saloon, Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
On Tomorrow's Celebrity Death Match: Vishnu v. Thor
Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: The Jewish Asian
What Does Being Farsighted Have to Do with Anything?
White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: Hispanic guy who stands 8 inches away
Literacy: The Most Offensive Ghetto Stereotype
HS girl #1: I read five books a week and my parents get mad at me because it costs them a lot of money.
HS girl #2: I read like five books a week too, but I get mine from the library.
HS girl #1: Oh, that's ghetto.
--Times Square
Fat Black guy: They ain't got nuthin' in here for someone from the ghetto!
--Starbucks, Astor Place Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Dan Avery
Really? Who?
White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-liners Get Baked
Jamaican woman: Oh mahn, I used to get so high and den turn on dat Spanish channel so loud and just sit in front of it and listen.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Future NYer
Everyone Blows Noodles When They're Really Drunk
Girl #1: Yo, that girl is nasty. She blew her dog.
Girl #2: No, she didn't. She and her Mamas had sex with Duquan together.
Girl #1: No! Trick! That wasn't her. She blew a dog. I saw it.
Girl #2: She blew Noodles?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Anna May M. Abris
It's Lunchtime, New York!
Black guy: I want pork fried rice with fried wonton, a shrimp roll, and wonton soup...Hey! Did you hear me?!
Counter lady: Yes, yes...pork spare ribs.
--Chinese takeout, Madison & Rutgers
Overheard by: Joe R
Hence Shonen Knife's Tomato Head
Black chick: Hey, come here, look. Did you know that Asians can't drink? Look at her face. It's all red.
--Diesel, West Broadway
Moms Love Wednesday One-liners
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
--2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You're seven years old and you can't fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
--W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they'd learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
--Angelo's, 55th Street
Cromulent Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Yeah, they say that now in France they're banning Muslim women from wearing overalls.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: H. Chan
Black woman on cell: ...and then she says to me "I like that song!" and I go, "Yeah, well I like fish and avocado peels."
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Fernando Taveras
Guy: If you was dead, then you'd know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
--J train
Wednesday One-liners, Cell Phones
Big black woman: ...and they had a white one and a black one, and the white one was 45.99 and the black one was 52.99, so I bought the black one. Cause it was black...
--Best Buy, 23rd St.
Overheard by: Trouble
Guy on cell: Oh yeah? Well, check this out: I don't care that I'm not invited to your wedding, because you're fired!
--West 94th St & Amsterdam
Readers: Answer His Overheard Question
Hoodie: Who's that guy who takes all the pictures of the little girls?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Keith Scott
Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line
Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.
Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child's mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don't hit people. That's not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]
--N train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!
They Did It to Confuse You
In a dark movie theater--
Black guy standing up in his seat: Yo! I'm right over here, hurry up and get your ass through the aisle.
Hispanic guy: It's not my problem I can't see you in the dark, cuz you so black! The only the thing I can see is your white t-shirt, but everybody has white on
--Lincoln Center AMC Theater
Overheard by: JKim
I'm Sure the Reenacting Didn't Help
Black chick #1: So you didn't get the job?
Black chick #2: Nah, I fucked up. I shouldn't have told them I drank when I was younger. I really didn't drink.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: max
Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling
Black guy: I ain't saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Rick Segall
Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me...I mean, she's ugly but it's good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.
--Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Sarah C
Jamaican lady: We don't fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.
--Washington Heights
Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!...Well was she any good?...Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?
--Times Square
Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go...I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I'd have a date for Saturday.
--Union Squre theatre
Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn't work out.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC
If You Thought Pot/Kettle, You're As Bad As Them
Black lady #1: I'm still waiting for that African guy to get back.
Black lady #2: You mean the guy with the crazy kids running all around? Those kids were wild.
Black lady #1: Well you know those people, they aren't used to being indoors.
Black lady #2: Yeah they used to running all around in the jungle.
--Central Post Office, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Baby Bee
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel