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Bouncers (Best Of) All Categories > People > Bouncers
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They Usually Become Unconscious on Their Own
Drunk guy: So, like, have you ever had to knock someone out?
Large bouncer: Not yet.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Drewster
Tomorrow I'm Migrating Back to Brazil
Bouncer: Weren't you here on Saturday night?
Girl: No, I was a caterpillar on Saturday.
--Steinway, 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Lefty
Like Squeezing a Stress Doll
Bouncer: Nice. Are those real?
Hottie: What do you think?
Bouncer: Can I check?
Hottie: You can poke at 'em, just don't feel them up.
He does so.
Bouncer: You can tell that they're fake.
Hottie: Well, they're bigger than they used to be.
--Club Spirit, Chelsea
Overheard by: Johnny Envelope
Dude, Your Mom's Gonna Kill you
Bouncer: Your ID doesn't scan...
Drunk boy: Are you kidding? I paid extra for scanable.
--Mercury Bar
Scenes from the Scene
Dude: Shit in the pussy!
Wolf Parade singer: ...Did someone just say "shit in the pussy"?
--Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: claudia gallego
Suit: Hey asshole standing up, sit the fuck down!
Hipster guy: Hey asshole sitting down, stand the fuck up!
Suit: I didnt pay $800 to look at the back of your head!
Hipster guy: Come down here and try something and i'll sue your ass! Nice suit, fag!
--Cream Concert, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: zetasmack
Girl: Hey, you guys were great. If you're not doing anything after, call my number, I wrote it next to the monument [on this dollar].
Jurassic 5 singer: Wow..uh, great. Take care, now.
Girl: Yeah, see you later.
Jurassic 5 singer: ...Dude, she just gave me her phone number. You take it.
Guy: Yeah? Wow, thanks!
Jurassic 5 singer: Yeah, but buddy, you make sure you tap that shit, now, y'hear? A'right.
--70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sharon B
Pat O'Brien: Um, excuse me...
Bouncer: Oh shit, that's Pat O'Brien, that's my peoples.
Guy: ...Aw, come on, we've been waiting out here for an hour and Pat O'Brien gets in?
Bouncer: Yo, don't step, Pat O'Brien is good peoples.
--Canal Room, West Broadway
Drag queen: Madonna should die! She sucks! She's a rapist, not an artist!...Madonna should die! I'll kill her!
Guy: Get a vagina, bitch!
--The Roxy, West 18th Street
Overheard by: G-Lock
What Happened to You, Alex P. Keaton?
Banker guy: I hope you have bail money.
Bouncer guy: Fuck you.
Manager guy: What's the problem here?
Banker guy: He shoved me.
Manager guy: I don't know anything about that, but you didn't bring ID.
Banker guy: I have my Dartmouth ID and my Goldman Sachs ID.
--outside Brass Monkey, Little West 12th Street
Overheard by: pb dot c
Depends on the Face
Barfly: It was a term of endearment.
Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face.
--2x4, 2nd Ave & 4th St
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor (and Foley)
Headline by: Dave Barnette
Runners-Up:
· "And Assault Isn't A Spice, Either" - Kathy
· "Aww, you just feel left out." - Alaine
· "He Said He Wanted Another Hit" - Playtah
· "He's playing hard to get" - Jeri Rosenblum
· "C'mon, it's not like she was pregnant..." - laura c
· "It doesn't count if you don't leave a mark." - Scott
· "Welcome to New York" - shorty
· "Another dropout from the school of hard knocks" - jm
· "Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours" - red
· "No, That's a Term of Three To Ten" - Boyhowdy
· "Dad has a lot of explaining to do" - Mr. Uncreative
· "For endearment, you tend to go for the groin" - ruth
· "Tyler Durden: The Final Years" - Mr. Nobody
· "Punchline" - Robert Katz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Parve Wednesday One-liners
Bouncer: You see, the schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup in a restaurant. The schlimazel is the guy who has the soup spilled on him.
--1st & A
Guy: Well, what color was this Jew?
--Fort Greene
Woman on cell: ...That's just so not my thing. I am not that kind of Jew, Larry, okay?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nicole
Lady lawyer: This is a disaster. They should never put non-Jews in charge of the catering.
--Office, Rockefeller Plaza
Chick: Come to think of it, all of my Jewish friends went to summer camp. Isn't that kind of ironic though; Jews at camp?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Amanda
Teen boy: I want to be Jewish when I grow up.
--A train
Overheard by: drewseph
Guy on cell: You deserve a gold Jewish Star of David!...Did you swallow?...Yeah, that's true, one step at a time.
--Astoria
Overheard by: SEM
I Sell Dead People, and I Don't See Them
Porn man: If you don't have ID, I can't let you in.
Minor guy: Man, I can sell pussy, but you won't let me see pussy?
--Porn store, 42nd between 8th & 9th
Times Were Tough for Fezzik After the Flash in the pan of 'The Princess Bride'
Fat bouncer #1: Where the fuck is there a bagel store around here?
Fat bouncer #2: Umm... Bagels are delicious. Hey, maybe they have knishes. That rhymed!
Fat bouncer #1: You make no fucking sense.
--The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: hjane
