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By Which I Mean 'A Really Good Way to Get Coke'
High school boy: I met him when he was doing coke at my lunch table.
High school girl: He's a really good guy.
--Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: W
Fucking a Hamburger is Kind of a Gray Area
Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I'm not gay!
Boy #1: "Split a bun" means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: CAP
Innuendoes Missed by the Recipients and Caught by Overheard
Girl #1: He was a little too Spock and not enough Kirk.
Girl #2: What?
--F train
A son is moving a table into the back of the truck.
Mom: Be careful not to bend the legs when you push it in.
Son: That's what she said.
Mom: What?
--30th and Lex
Overheard by: Tom
For the Next Three Seconds, Anyway.
Mother to noisy, restless son: You know what? As soon as we get home I'm calling your doctor. You're going back on medication.
Kid, screaming: Nooo! [Spotting boarding passenger] Oh, he has a wrestling shirt! I want a wresting shirt!
--M101 bus
Overheard by: Glad it's not my kid
Criminal Masterminds Psychic Bitch and Midget Indian Hulk Went on to Fleece the Entire City
Girl: That psychic bitch stole our money!
Boy: She told me I was insecure!
Girl: That midget Indian hulk lied to me. He told me palm reading was real!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rafferty
I'll Never Sit Again after All This Anal
Boy #1: When I'm in high school, I'll only be able to get blowjobs standing up!
Boy #2: Rad.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Joe Coleman
Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
--Line for women's room, Radio City Music Hall
Just the Cutest Little Whiskers
Guy #1: What about my friend Beth that you met? She had a nice face.
Snotty guy #2: Oh, she had a rat face, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
--Chipotle, Midtown
If It Involves Killing with Steel, Japan Has It
Mother: Do they still have ninjas?
Six-year-old boy: Duh, Mom -- in Japan.
Mother: Oh, I only knew about the Ninja Turtles.
--Escalator, Grand Central
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
Just Get Her a Copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves
Girl: Does titty-fucking actually feel good? Or does it just look hot?
Boy: Actually, it makes me physically ill. It gives me vertigo.
Girl: Should I eat my earwax?
--91st & 6th
Andrea Dworkin's Kid was a Disappointment to Her
Son: Dad, can I squirt that in my face?
Dad: How many times do I have to tell you? No means no!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: bri b
Even the Fans Inject
Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Becka Dash
What? I Got the "Special" Expansion Pack
White boy #1: Am I the big, hairy guy?
White boy #2: No, you're the guy with the assless chaps.
--During game of XBox 360 Guitar Hero, Apartment, Ave D
"Am I going to have a little brother now?"
Little boy: Hey mommy, I just farted on your leg.
Mom: I know. I felt it.
Little boy: Was it warm? Did it stink?
Mom: Shh.
--F train
Do You Know the Rules? 'Cause I Sure Don't
Five-year-old boy: Let's play Spin the Bottle!
Friend with water bottle: Yeah!
--228 E 23rd St
Tourists on Trains and Snakes on Planes
Teen boy tourist #1: Okay, finally we're on the damn train.
Teen boy tourist #2: Yeah, for real. Take forever, god!
Teen boy tourist #1: Hey, you know, those people lied to us! They said we can take the N, but this one is going to 14th Street, too. I read the map.
Teen boy tourist #2: Why did they lie to us?
Teen boy tourist #1: Probably because we were acting like such tourists. That's probably what they do, just stand in the subway waiting to prey on confused tourist kids.
Teen boy tourist #2: We should get some iPods. That would fix it.
Teen boy tourist #1: Why would that fix it?
Teen boy tourist #2: Look around. I count five people on this train with iPods. They make you look 'New York.'
--Downtown W train
Overheard by: The N would have gotten you there faster...
Headline by: Sean Boudreau
Runners-Up:
· "But the fold up maps make us look like we're from Jersey." - Jeff
· "For every ipod in the subway, apple kills a tourist" - monkey
· "Know What Else Is Authentic? Gunshot Wounds" - J.M. Berger
· "Losing The "God Hates Fags" Shirts Would Also Help" - miss c
· "New York: Uhh, Lose Ten Pounds, Convert to Judaism, and Maybe We'll Talk" - salute deez nuts
· "Nobody tell them about the secret handshake" - Destroyer
· "Sure, you can buy the ipod, but the disaffected stare can only be acquired from years of indifference" - morgz
· "That look isn't new york, it's contempt" - squirrel
· "You can keep them in your fanny packs" - jh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
This "Winner" Sure Got Some Prize
Little boy: No, I want them both! Mommy, you're a loser!
Mommy: Are you calling Mommy a loser? Well, then you're not getting
anything.
Little boy: No, I'm calling you a winner now! I love you!
--Toys "R" Us, Times Square
Overheard by: lindsey Lanpher
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
Least Cool Was When You Scared Me Last Halloween
Boy #1: Seriously, that was, like, the coolest place I ever took a shit.
Boy #2: Wait, where were you?
Boy #1: I was on top of the mountain!
Boy #2: Oh.
--3rd St & 7th Ave
When You Realize Your Pain Is Self-Inflicted
Teen girl: Something must have gone wrong during her wax.
Teen boy: What was it?
Teen girl: I don't know. She was, like, crying. And she hasn't gotten another wax. I just don't get it.
Teen boy: Sucks for her.
Teen girl: Seriously.
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: still speechless
The Zen of Playground Talk
Big Kid: If that bitch ass didn't tell on me I wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
Little Kid: If you would have stayed out of trouble in the first place you wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: richard blakeley
The Rusted '87, or the Stolen '92?
Thuggish 11-year-old #1, looking at in-flight magazine: That car is sweet.
Thuggish 11-year-old #2: Oh, it's okay. I'm a BMW man myself.
--AirTran flight out of LaGuardia
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Watch Your Mouth! Grandma Only Did That Once.
Black boy: This hobo offered me some weed today on the train.
Mother: Did you take it?
Black boy: Yeah. She kinda looked like grandma.
--Jamaica Center, Parsons Blvd & Archer Ave
Careful or Trebek Will Grab Your Potpourri
Two teens are watching Jeopardy! through a store glass window.
Teen boy #1: I can read lips; that guy said he liked to suck cock.
Teen boy #2: You mean, "What is, 'I like to suck cock'?"
--14th & B
Overheard by: meghan
The Husband is Always the Last to Know
Boy: Where did Mama go?
Dad: To the ladies' bathroom. She's a lady.
Boy: She's not a lady!
Dad: She's not?
Boy: No way!
--Waldorf-Astoria men's room
(Funny Because the Skinhead Beat the Mom Afterwards)
A blonde bumpkin boy stared silently at the heavily tatooed skinhead for 10 minutes before he made his observation: You know what you are? You're a human doodle pad!
--PATH train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Margo Channing
Satanic Fashion is Always Hot
Boy#1: So what are you going to do? Go to gospel choir practice or go shopping?
Boy#2: The sales are this week. God...is...forever.
Boy#1: ...you may be going to Hell, but at least you'll look good going.
--East Village
Overheard by: michi-L
After the Hand Roll, She's Going to Cut Him into 6 Pieces
White woman: Are you available?
Teen Japanese boy: I'm sorry?
White woman: Are you...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Available for what?
White woman: You know...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Sorry, this is my stop.
--F train
Overheard by: Heather Red
Why Children Should Be Neither Seen nor Overheard
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the shoe say to the foot? How's it footin'?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the bus say to the street? How's it streetin'?
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the airplane say to the building?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy #1: Hello, I'm gonna crash into you now.
--M60 bus
Overheard by: marisa
Wednesday One-liners by Eve Ensler
Teen boy: You aren't pussy-whipped. She's your mother.
--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Carl G
"Oh man! I already got the genie pants!"
Teen boy #1: Yo man, I'm gonna join a gang!
Teen boy #2: Ah, ya? What gang?
Teen boy #1: Aladdin Kings.
Teen boy #3: What the fuck kinda Disney gang is that? Latin Kings, man! Latin Kings!
--A train
They Do Have Lots of Wings in Asia
A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.
Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Chris Roberts
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--56th & Broadway
Overheard by: K.M
Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.
--Associated Supermarket, Astoria
Overheard by: Demy
It's the South Which Will Rise Again
Boy #1: I have to tell you and you have to believe me. Somebody died for you, do you know who that was?
Boy #2: Abraham Lincoln?
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Mike & Cindy Winslow
Arbeit Macht Reizend
Mom: What's the name of that group?
Teen boy: Death Cab for Cutie.
Mom: Death Camp for Cutie?
Teen boy: Death Cab.
Mom: What a horrible name...
Teen boy: This is them playing, do you like it?
Mom: Yeah I love it, but what a horrible name! Death Camp...
--60th & Broadway
Overheard by: Avital
I'll Go Get the Jack Daniels
Little girl: What I don't get is why Majestic stabbed Fifty. He already shot him like 9 times.
Little boy: Majestic didn't stab Fifty! He got his boy to stab Fifty for him, and he did it because Fifty was still alive.
Little girl: I couldn't survive 9 shots. I could barely survive a half.
--1 train
Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time
Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: ... Then why are there lasers?
--JFK
Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip
Headline by: Miss Edith
Runners-Up:
· "Dont EVER question lasers" - melissa
· "For the sharks, of course" - Britta
· "In case you start kicking the seat in front of you" - bobofthejungle
· "To Protect Us From Gay Marriage" - ImmaculatePizza
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Flame Retardant (Happy Halloween!)
A mom points to the window of a sex shop, at a jacked mannequin wearing a mask and feather boa. She says: Hey honey, maybe that's what you could be for Halloween.
Little boy: No, Mommy. I want to be a fireman.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Jon
"Only if you go to the right sites."
Little boy: Mom, can I download you?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
And a Pimp Really Has to Have Some Sort of STD, You Know
Teen boy #1: So why did your dad lose his job?
Teen boy #2: All I know is that he had hepatitis for six months and cured it by eating nothing but fruit.
--83rd & 16th, Brooklyn.
Overheard by: Porko Rico
The Swine Were Even Wearing Pearls
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I ran away once, 'cause like, my parents were making me study for a science test.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god, you so don't have any problems. My parents are making me get a job!
Teen boy: Not having money to buy food is a problem. Not having an apartment is a problem.
--F train
He Meant Auto-fellated
Girl: "Teleported." That's what he said.
Boy: What?
Girl: You know, teleporting.
Boy: Oh, okay, yeah.
Girl: He said he teleported himself, but it turned out he was lying!
Boy: Really?
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
"...They made me unload my pistol, too."
Teen boy: I did the stupidest thing yesterday.
Teen girl: What?
Teen boy: I went up to the cops with my bag open, and I was like,
"Wanna search me? Wanna search me?" and they were like, "Okay."
Teen girl: Ha, ha. You busted.
Teen boy: Yeah. They took half my condoms but they left everything
else.
--40th Street station
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Assassin
HS kid #1: You know what teflon is?
HS kid #2: No.
HS kid #1: It's the stuff you coat bullets with so that they'll pierce a bulletproof vest.
--23rd St. & Broadway
Overheard by: M Cohn
Consider Yourself Warned
Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there'd be mad sex on it. There wasn't any! They should call that show 'White Bitches Talking.'
--Brooklyn Middle School
Actually, We Prefer 'Retardo-Americans'
Tween boy #1: Where is he? He owes me fucking ten dollars.
Tween boy #2: This is really gay.
Random girl: I'm offended, you retards!
--W 34th St
Why Johnny Can't Count
Boy: Mommy, I see the eagle.
Mom: Congratulations, what do you want, a fucking medal?
Pause
Mom: And there are two of them!
--Birds of Prey exhibit, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Cam
A Grotesquely Overcircumcised One
Mother: So Krusty couldn't find his star in the Jewish Hall of Fame.
Boy: There was a Jewish Hall of Fame?
Mother: Yeah, and Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop were there.
Father: Lamb Chop was a Jewish lamb?
--Windsor Terrace