The Bad News: My Breasts Got Squished Flat

Older woman to cashier: Well, I had one of those, one of those... ummm... X-rays? MRIs?
Hipster in line: Mammogram?
Older woman: That's it! I don't have the cancer.

--99 Cent Store, near Devoe

Overheard by: I love MRI pics

What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?

Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.

--Stop & Shop, Long Island City


Overheard by: mshorty

Why Is It Saying, 'That Was Easy'?

Security guard #1 rushing in: Where is the panic button?
Sales girl: I don't even know what that is.
Security guard #1: It's not under the counter? You don't have a panic button? How can you not have a panic button?
Security guard #2: I think this is it. Here, on the wall behind you.
Security guard #1: Okay, okay. Okay, let's press it and see if it works.

--Pierpont Morgan Museum Gift Shop

Overheard by: not-panicking

It's 157, Your Weight in Pounds

D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?

--D'Agostino, Greenwich & Barrow

Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again

Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...

--Rivington & Essex

Self-worship is Still Prayer

Guy: Hey, can I get some cigarettes?

The newsstand man just rocks back and forth mumbling something.

Guy: Excuse me, can I get some cigarettes?!
Newsstand man: ...Yes, sir. Cigarettes. Sorry, I was praying.
Guy: Oh. I thought you were masturbating.

--Times Square newsstand

Analysts are analysts

Ice cream shop clerk: "I told my analyst that I met this guy who looks so much like him, it is unbelievable. My analyst then said, 'well, how does that make you feel?'"

Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?

Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.

--Express, 34th & 7th

Overheard by: I would have to agree

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners' Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

--C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background... or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

--Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

--55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I'll sing my favorite song! 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead...' [Looks around] Hmmm... [Notices the train going express] What the...? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

--6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

--L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky's employee: Looks like I'm all out in the fairy department.

--58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don't use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

--Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Here Comes Return Season

Guy: This sweater is huge!
Girl: Get fat.
Salesguy: Ha, ha! Wow, I needed that.

--Bloomingdale's, 59th & 3rd

Can I Borrow Your Pencil?

Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.

--Gristedes on W 4th St

The Aptly Named Checkout Counter

Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I'm just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it's a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.


Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I'm twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.

--K-Mart, Staten Island


Overheard by: Becka Dash

You Kooky Capitalists

Customer: Can I pay by debit?
Checkout Hippie: Yes. [laughter]
Customer: Why are you laughing?
Checkout Hippie: Because I thought what you said was funny.
Customer: OK...

--Organic Market, East Village

When Swarthy Met Sallow

Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.

--Sephora



Headline by: TM

Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder

Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?

--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway

Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.

--2nd St & Ave B

Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?

--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Linda

Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!

--Starbucks, La Guardia airport

Overheard by: Allears

Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!

--Victoria's Secret, 57th St

Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?

--Greene St & Prince St

Overheard by: deadzebra

Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!

--PATH train

Overheard by: blkgirl

Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?

--Broadway & Prince St

Overheard by: djingo

I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan

Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!

--Duane Reade, 34th Street

"I Said Coffee!"

Cashier #1: I felt so bad. She was trying to be so nice to her, but this woman was just horrible.
Cashier #2: What happened?
Cashier #1: She asked her if she wanted a vente mocha frappacino--she was even smiling and stuff when she asked--and then the woman got all mad and said, "Look it, I don't speak Italian."

--Starbucks, Astor Place

The Bats Turn Them Corky

Caribbean guy: Hey, I'm looking for a Jason Ghi-ambi baseball bat.
Store guy: An autographed bat?
Caribbean guy: I'm not paying fifty dollars for no bat.
Store guy: What do you need the bat for?
Caribbean guy: I just really need to bash someone's head in, you know what I'm saying?
Store guy: You don't need a Jason Giambi bat for that. Any of these bats can be used for bashing someone in the head.

--Triangle Sports, Flatbush


Overheard by: Owen

She'll Never Make it to Banana Republic

Woman: Are these shirts still buy one, get one free?
Cashier lady: Um, I have no idea. Let me check.

She goes check signs and asks managers.

Cashier lady: No, they're not. I'm not sure they ever were buy one, get one free.
Woman: Oh, I was just kidding. I wanted to see what you would say. I figured it was worth a shot.
Cashier lady: Oh, well thanks for making me walk all over the store for no reason.
Woman: That's how you get success, honey.

--The Gap, 18th & 5th

What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?

Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M


Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I'm Thankful for My Health

Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.

--Washington Square Park


Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!

--2 train


Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.

--18th & 5th


Overheard by: basselope


Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...

--Stop and Shop, Astoria


Overheard by: Dan

Well, Alexander Hamilton Is My Idol

Storeworker: Can't you at least pick up what you dropped?
Customer: I can't bend. I have a bad back.
Storeworker: Why don't you pretend it's a ten dollar bill? Bet you'd dive pretty quick for that, wouldn't you?

--Marshall's, Bensonhurst


Overheard by: Deborah Olin

Bait and Switch

Customer: I'd like a bagel with Honey Walnut cream cheese.
Cashier: No Honey Walnut. Strawberry.
Customer: Is there anything besides Strawberry that's sweet?
Cashier: We have Vegetable. But that's not sweet.

--Dunkin' Donuts, Bensonhurst

Saccharine Might Be Better for Her

Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.

--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway


Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

"Steamed, if you have it."

Girl: Hi, I'd like a medium iced coffee with lots of ice, skim milk and Equal, please.
Cashier chick: What kind of ice?

--Dunkin' Donuts, Penn Station


Overheard by: devila

Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel

Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?

--14th & University


Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.

--Walker & Lafayette

Overheard by: Wolf


Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.

--Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: nosy cinephile


Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.

--13th & University


Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?

--Office, W 36th St

Overheard by: Evan


Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.

--Tea Lounge, Park Slope


Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!

--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport


White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?

--Walgreens, Union Square

Overheard by: Goldie


Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.

--I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St


Hobo: You're not Polish; you just think you're Polish!

--Tompkins Square Park


Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.

--Century 21


Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months!

--TGI Friday's, 52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shaina

She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother

Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.

--87th & 1st


Overheard by: K. Fung

Special Sale on Whipped Cream

Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!

--St. Mark's Gourmet Market, St. Mark's Place

Racialist Wednesday One-liners

Chick on cell: You know what's weird? You're a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that?

--F train


Overheard by: Julie


Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I'm from New York, I don't know nothing about black people!

--Boerum Hill bodega


A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man?

--18th & 8th


Girl: I don't want to be racist. I mean, not out loud.

--Broadway & Houston


Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny's Child!

--Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts

Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.

Drunk white man storms out.

Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.

--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd

Overheard by: Boo Radley

He Forgot and Left Home Without It (and His Pants)

Cashier dude: The only credit cards we accept are American Express.
Old guy: Do you take Visa?

--Costco, LI City

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you're retarded."

Woman: I'd like to order a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.
Cashier lady: I'm sorry, ma'am, we're kosher.
Woman: Oh OK, then make it a sausage, egg, and cheese.

--Nathan's, LaGuardia

Tomorrow: Cut or Uncut?

Teen Latina cashier: Jason asked me out.
Tween Latina bagger: Which Jason?
Teen Latina cashier: Jason. Honda.
Tween Latina bagger: H'mmm?
Teen Latina cashier: Blue Honda hatch...Blue Honda hatch, dual pipe. Tinted rear. Spinners.
Tween Latina bagger: Oh, yeah.

--Foodtown, Bay Ridge


Overheard by: Capn Midnite

He's Busy Entertaining Visiting Foreign Dignitaries

Foreign guy: Chicken fries.
Burger lady: What do you want to drink?
Foreign guy: Beer.
Burger lady: We don't have beer.
Foreign guy: Budweiser.
Burger lady: We don't have beer, sir.
Foreign guy: No beer? You have no beer?
Burger lady: No, sir.
Foreign guy: Can I see the manager, please?

--Burger King, 33rd & 5th


Overheard by: thomas

Highest Maintenance

Anal Man: I want a grilled chicken wrap. But I don't want cheese and I want a little bit of dressing on the bread as you're making it. Some places don't put dressing.
Cashier: We don't put dressing here.
Anal Man: Just a bit of dressing. Not too much.
Cashier: Do you want the combo?
Anal Man: No!

--Ranch 1, Union Square

But What About Miracle Whip?

Man: So you've had problems with customers before, huh?
Cashier: Just one guy. It was 4th of July weekend and he was going on about sour cream. He was the only one in the store. He started hitting me because he said I charged the wrong price. I kept telling him that he had to leave.
Man: Wow!
Cashier: Yeah, he was obviously going senile. I mean, I'd never hit anyone over sour cream!

--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst

And Remember Us for All Your Asphyxiation Needs

Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.

--CVS, 25th & 6th

Where Can I Possibly Find a Coffee?

Woman: Can I have a coffee?
Ice Cream Lady: You want coffee ice cream?
Woman: No, coffee.
Ice Cream Lady: Oh, we don't sell coffee.

--Coldstone Ice Cream, Astor Place


Overheard by: Alayna

It's Lunchtime, New York!

Black guy: I want pork fried rice with fried wonton, a shrimp roll, and wonton soup...Hey! Did you hear me?!
Counter lady: Yes, yes...pork spare ribs.

--Chinese takeout, Madison & Rutgers


Overheard by: Joe R

Even the Womb Doesn't Want to Help Them

Cashier guy: Would you like to donate a dollar to the March of Dimes?
Girl: Uh, no thank you.
Cashier guy: Aw, poor preemies.

--K-mart, East 8th Street

New Yorkers: Sticking Together

A cashier hands a girl her change.

Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit.

The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill.

Girl: Thanks. I just didn't want that one, you know? It didn't have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn't look right. So don't give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something.

--Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue

That'll Be a Week's Rent

Tourist chick: Yeah, I like New York, but I could never live here.
Salesguy: Yeah...
Tourist chick: But I mean I love the West Village.
Salesperson: Totally...
Tourist chick: It's just like so expensive to live here.
Cashier guy: That'll be $407 please.

--Jack Spade, Greene Street


Overheard by: Quirine

Kick Up Your Calendar; It's Wednesday

Superbubbly Woman: I'll see you tomorrow! Which is Friday! And we'll kick it up another notch!
Cashier: OK!

--Bodega, 9th Ave & 36th Street

I'll Trade You Three Holes for Th