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The Bad News: My Breasts Got Squished Flat
Older woman to cashier: Well, I had one of those, one of those... ummm... X-rays? MRIs?
Hipster in line: Mammogram?
Older woman: That's it! I don't have the cancer.
--99 Cent Store, near Devoe
Overheard by: I love MRI pics
What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?
Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.
--Stop & Shop, Long Island City
Overheard by: mshorty
Why Is It Saying, 'That Was Easy'?
Security guard #1 rushing in: Where is the panic button?
Sales girl: I don't even know what that is.
Security guard #1: It's not under the counter? You don't have a panic button? How can you not have a panic button?
Security guard #2: I think this is it. Here, on the wall behind you.
Security guard #1: Okay, okay. Okay, let's press it and see if it works.
--Pierpont Morgan Museum Gift Shop
Overheard by: not-panicking
It's 157, Your Weight in Pounds
D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?
--D'Agostino, Greenwich & Barrow
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
Self-worship is Still Prayer
Guy: Hey, can I get some cigarettes?
The newsstand man just rocks back and forth mumbling something.
Guy: Excuse me, can I get some cigarettes?!
Newsstand man: ...Yes, sir. Cigarettes. Sorry, I was praying.
Guy: Oh. I thought you were masturbating.
--Times Square newsstand
Analysts are analysts
Ice cream shop clerk: "I told my analyst that I met this guy who looks so much like him, it is unbelievable. My analyst then said, 'well, how does that make you feel?'"
Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?
Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.
--Express, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: I would have to agree
Tales from Wednesday One-Liners' Crypt
Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?
--C train
Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background... or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.
--Live Bait, 23rd St
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.
--55th & 6th
Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland
Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I'll sing my favorite song! 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead...' [Looks around] Hmmm... [Notices the train going express] What the...? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!
--6 train making express stops on a surprise basis
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!
--L train
Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton
Ricky's employee: Looks like I'm all out in the fairy department.
--58th & Broadway
Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don't use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.
--Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Here Comes Return Season
Guy: This sweater is huge!
Girl: Get fat.
Salesguy: Ha, ha! Wow, I needed that.
--Bloomingdale's, 59th & 3rd
Can I Borrow Your Pencil?
Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.
--Gristedes on W 4th St
The Aptly Named Checkout Counter
Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I'm just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it's a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.
Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I'm twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.
--K-Mart, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
You Kooky Capitalists
Customer: Can I pay by debit?
Checkout Hippie: Yes. [laughter]
Customer: Why are you laughing?
Checkout Hippie: Because I thought what you said was funny.
Customer: OK...
--Organic Market, East Village
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
"I Said Coffee!"
Cashier #1: I felt so bad. She was trying to be so nice to her, but this woman was just horrible.
Cashier #2: What happened?
Cashier #1: She asked her if she wanted a vente mocha frappacino--she was even smiling and stuff when she asked--and then the woman got all mad and said, "Look it, I don't speak Italian."
--Starbucks, Astor Place
The Bats Turn Them Corky
Caribbean guy: Hey, I'm looking for a Jason Ghi-ambi baseball bat.
Store guy: An autographed bat?
Caribbean guy: I'm not paying fifty dollars for no bat.
Store guy: What do you need the bat for?
Caribbean guy: I just really need to bash someone's head in, you know what I'm saying?
Store guy: You don't need a Jason Giambi bat for that. Any of these bats can be used for bashing someone in the head.
--Triangle Sports, Flatbush
Overheard by: Owen
She'll Never Make it to Banana Republic
Woman: Are these shirts still buy one, get one free?
Cashier lady: Um, I have no idea. Let me check.
She goes check signs and asks managers.
Cashier lady: No, they're not. I'm not sure they ever were buy one, get one free.
Woman: Oh, I was just kidding. I wanted to see what you would say. I figured it was worth a shot.
Cashier lady: Oh, well thanks for making me walk all over the store for no reason.
Woman: That's how you get success, honey.
--The Gap, 18th & 5th
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
Well, Alexander Hamilton Is My Idol
Storeworker: Can't you at least pick up what you dropped?
Customer: I can't bend. I have a bad back.
Storeworker: Why don't you pretend it's a ten dollar bill? Bet you'd dive pretty quick for that, wouldn't you?
--Marshall's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Bait and Switch
Customer: I'd like a bagel with Honey Walnut cream cheese.
Cashier: No Honey Walnut. Strawberry.
Customer: Is there anything besides Strawberry that's sweet?
Cashier: We have Vegetable. But that's not sweet.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Bensonhurst
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
"Steamed, if you have it."
Girl: Hi, I'd like a medium iced coffee with lots of ice, skim milk and Equal, please.
Cashier chick: What kind of ice?
--Dunkin' Donuts, Penn Station
Overheard by: devila
Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel
Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?
--14th & University
Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.
--Walker & Lafayette
Overheard by: Wolf
Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.
--Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: nosy cinephile
Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.
--13th & University
Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?
--Office, W 36th St
Overheard by: Evan
Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?
--Walgreens, Union Square
Overheard by: Goldie
Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.
--I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St
Hobo: You're not Polish; you just think you're Polish!
--Tompkins Square Park
Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.
--Century 21
Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months!
--TGI Friday's, 52nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shaina
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung
Special Sale on Whipped Cream
Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!
--St. Mark's Gourmet Market, St. Mark's Place
Racialist Wednesday One-liners
Chick on cell: You know what's weird? You're a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that?
--F train
Overheard by: Julie
Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I'm from New York, I don't know nothing about black people!
--Boerum Hill bodega
A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man?
--18th & 8th
Girl: I don't want to be racist. I mean, not out loud.
--Broadway & Houston
Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny's Child!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
He Forgot and Left Home Without It (and His Pants)
Cashier dude: The only credit cards we accept are American Express.
Old guy: Do you take Visa?
--Costco, LI City
"I'm sorry, ma'am, you're retarded."
Woman: I'd like to order a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.
Cashier lady: I'm sorry, ma'am, we're kosher.
Woman: Oh OK, then make it a sausage, egg, and cheese.
--Nathan's, LaGuardia
Tomorrow: Cut or Uncut?
Teen Latina cashier: Jason asked me out.
Tween Latina bagger: Which Jason?
Teen Latina cashier: Jason. Honda.
Tween Latina bagger: H'mmm?
Teen Latina cashier: Blue Honda hatch...Blue Honda hatch, dual pipe. Tinted rear. Spinners.
Tween Latina bagger: Oh, yeah.
--Foodtown, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Capn Midnite
He's Busy Entertaining Visiting Foreign Dignitaries
Foreign guy: Chicken fries.
Burger lady: What do you want to drink?
Foreign guy: Beer.
Burger lady: We don't have beer.
Foreign guy: Budweiser.
Burger lady: We don't have beer, sir.
Foreign guy: No beer? You have no beer?
Burger lady: No, sir.
Foreign guy: Can I see the manager, please?
--Burger King, 33rd & 5th
Overheard by: thomas
Highest Maintenance
Anal Man: I want a grilled chicken wrap. But I don't want cheese and I want a little bit of dressing on the bread as you're making it. Some places don't put dressing.
Cashier: We don't put dressing here.
Anal Man: Just a bit of dressing. Not too much.
Cashier: Do you want the combo?
Anal Man: No!
--Ranch 1, Union Square
But What About Miracle Whip?
Man: So you've had problems with customers before, huh?
Cashier: Just one guy. It was 4th of July weekend and he was going on about sour cream. He was the only one in the store. He started hitting me because he said I charged the wrong price. I kept telling him that he had to leave.
Man: Wow!
Cashier: Yeah, he was obviously going senile. I mean, I'd never hit anyone over sour cream!
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
And Remember Us for All Your Asphyxiation Needs
Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.
--CVS, 25th & 6th
Where Can I Possibly Find a Coffee?
Woman: Can I have a coffee?
Ice Cream Lady: You want coffee ice cream?
Woman: No, coffee.
Ice Cream Lady: Oh, we don't sell coffee.
--Coldstone Ice Cream, Astor Place
Overheard by: Alayna
It's Lunchtime, New York!
Black guy: I want pork fried rice with fried wonton, a shrimp roll, and wonton soup...Hey! Did you hear me?!
Counter lady: Yes, yes...pork spare ribs.
--Chinese takeout, Madison & Rutgers
Overheard by: Joe R
Even the Womb Doesn't Want to Help Them
Cashier guy: Would you like to donate a dollar to the March of Dimes?
Girl: Uh, no thank you.
Cashier guy: Aw, poor preemies.
--K-mart, East 8th Street
New Yorkers: Sticking Together
A cashier hands a girl her change.
Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit.
The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill.
Girl: Thanks. I just didn't want that one, you know? It didn't have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn't look right. So don't give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something.
--Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue
That'll Be a Week's Rent
Tourist chick: Yeah, I like New York, but I could never live here.
Salesguy: Yeah...
Tourist chick: But I mean I love the West Village.
Salesperson: Totally...
Tourist chick: It's just like so expensive to live here.
Cashier guy: That'll be $407 please.
--Jack Spade, Greene Street
Overheard by: Quirine
Kick Up Your Calendar; It's Wednesday
Superbubbly Woman: I'll see you tomorrow! Which is Friday! And we'll kick it up another notch!
Cashier: OK!
--Bodega, 9th Ave & 36th Street
I'll Trade You Three Holes for Three Holes
Girl: I'll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can't pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you're really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]
Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: ... Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]
--Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd
Overheard by: paid full price
Headline by: Billy Splatts!
Runners-Up:
· "Beauty's in the Eye Of the Bagelholder" - JoAnne
· "Don't Ask How I Made the Holes" - Duncan Pflaster
· "Funny, That Also Used to Be a Weight Watchers Slogan" - 2bagelscute
· "It's Also the Difference Between Employed and Not Employed" - Caro
· "O! She Doth Teach The Toasters To Burn Bright" - Paul
· "That's Funny Because That's Also The Difference Between A Handjob And A Blowjob." - BG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Do You Need The Paper If You've Got The News?
Dude: Hey, these papers are free, right?
Checkout Guy: No, they're 50 cents.
Dude: But it's Saturday.
Checkout Guy: Right. And it's still 50 cents.
Dude: Aw, c'mon man! The Pope is dying!
--Food Emporium, 12th & 6th
Overheard by: MLR
...and never the twain shall meet
Cashier #1: I'm sorry, what kind of drink do you want?
Cashier #2: He said fruit punch. There's a time to work and a time to think!
--Popeye's, 34th St.
She Should Just Ask for Some Alcohol
Girl: Excuse me, do you have Anbesol?
Cashier guy: Animals? No. No animals.
Girl: No, Anbesol...it's for gums.
Cashier guy: All of the gums are right here.
--Deli, Astoria
Overheard by: Someone who thought it was "Ambesol"
Keds? Really?
Girl: Fall Out Boy would fuck me for my shoes.
Friend: Yo, I would fuck you for your shoes.
Cashier: Lemme see your shoes? [Nods] I'd fuck you for your shoes.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Myshoes
What, You Mean Now?
Cashier: Can you spell your name, please?
Man: ... Ummm... yes.
Cashier: I meant, can you spell it for me?
--Beacon's Closet, Park Slope
Overheard by: meyers of keswick
Proof! They're A-holes Even to Each Other
Strand cashier: It's like that when I go downstairs. I get all creeped out. It's like, "Wait a minute! Why do I feel like the new guy? I've been here a year and a half!"
--The Strand
You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.
Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd
Overheard by: oliver tomorrow
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
Tempting, but I'm Not Gonna Risk It
Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.
--Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Becki
Not Quite the Place for Cornish Game Hen
Cashier chick: Next guest, step down.
Guy: Yeah, can I have a small chicken burger?
--Wendy's, 6th Avenue & W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Scarlet
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
I Hate These Clown Shoes!
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I'm trying to quit!
--McDonald's, Queens College
Or Some Such Numbery Amount
Cashier: She gave you twelve dollars? Twenty dollars? Just give her back eleventeen.
--Rite Aid, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: maribeth
Yes, the Subtitles Are Rebuses
Chick: What does that mean, that the movie has subtitles? Isn't it in English?
Cashier: Yes, it's in English, but it has subtitles for the disabled.
Chick: So it's for the illiterate or something?
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
The Two Faces of Retail
Cashier to coworker: I would rather be homeless sleeping under a bridge than working this shitty job. [To customer] Have a great night!
--Joyce Leslie, 8th St & Washington Sq E
Hobo Pay Isn't Great, but There's Very Little Overhead
Wendy's cashier: You're 12 cents short, sir.
Hobo standing in line throws a cup full of change at her: Don't worry about it!
--Wendy's
Overheard by: Graham
She's Been Known to Eat Deodorant Cakes Out of Urinals
Cashier #1: ... And then she told me she got high on ecstasy by accident last night.
Cashier #2: By accident?
Cashier #1: Yeah. She was at his house and saw a little white thing on the coffee table, and that bitch thought it was a mint.
--Todaro Bros. Grocery, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: A
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
In the Same Way that Those WMDs Were 'Sold Out'
Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: No. We don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: ...Yes.
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Don't We All, Buddy
New Indian cashier: I don't have any change. How do I get more change?
Old Indian cashier: Call on the intercom for the manager to come to the front.
New Indian cashier, over intercom: Manager to the front, please. I need change, please. I badly need change.
--Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway
Cat: I'm on the Verge of Suicide
Hipster cashier: Yeah, and when I'm not working here, I just sit on MySpace and take pictures of my cat and shit.
Female customer: Sounds like the life...
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: catherine
"You're Not 40 Anymore!" She'll Scream
Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home... Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.
--Douglaston Waldbaum's, Queens
Overheard by: Teen Girl #1
Our Editorial Staff Begs to Differ
Cashier: Oh, is corduroy coming back into fashion?
Girl buying a pair of cord pants: Um, I don't know.
Cashier: I don't think it's ever going to come back.
--TJMaxx, 6th Ave
Overheard by: champ
NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall
Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I'd like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they're hot shit. I can't figure out this fucking line -- all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies... New Jersey is my destiny.
--Bakery, 70th & Lex
Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins
Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.
--East Village
Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
--Uptown 6 train
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
--Playground, DUMBO
Overheard by: grimrosary
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: LSB
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.
--D train
Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Hobo Hank
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!
--Goodwill
Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!
Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like "Sorry your dad died" or something?
Cashier guy: Uh...no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don't think that will work. I don't need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh...I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh....okay, I'll get the flying books paper.
--Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street
Overheard by: m-co
Sweet Nothings in My Ear and Hot Tar on My Ass
Cashier #1: So then where did you go?
Cashier #2: He took me up to the roof.
Cashier #1: Girl, you are so lucky! He sounds so romantical.
Cashier #2: Yeah, that's how I like it.
--C Town Supermarket, Queens
Overheard by: Sara Swank
Socrates Shows Up Another So-Called 'Wise Man'
Crazy guy: Let me know about a Caesar salad.
Employee: We don't sell Caesar salads, sir.
Crazy guy: I didn't say I wanted a Caesar salad, I said, 'Let me know about a Caesar salad.' [Pause] What's in a Caesar salad?! What do ya'll know about it?!
Employee: I don't know.
Crazy guy: That's what I thought! Ya'll don't know about Caesar salads!
--Subway, 41st St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: i know whats in a cesar salad but im not tellin
Much Wiser Not to Argue It
Cashier: I'm sorry, but weren't you in that movie? With Kevin Costner?
Joan Allen: Yes, The Upside of Anger. Thanks.
Cashier: I knew it was you! Last time you was in here I kept staring 'cause I knew it was you -- remember, I was staring at you? You was so good in that!
Joan Allen: Oh, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it [pays and leaves].
Cashier to next lady in line: Yeah, last time she was in here I stared at her forever -- she must have thought I was crazy.
Lady in line: What movie was she in?
Cashier: 'The Other Side... of the Angel,' with Kevin Costner! She was that lady!
Lady in line: I never saw that movie. I thought she was on Lost. I thought she was the lady on Lost -- you know, the teacher.
Cashier: Nah, she was in that movie! 'The Other Side of the Angel.'
Lady in line: The Upside of Anger?
Cashier: No! It's called 'The Other Side of the Angel,' look it up!
Lady in line: Oh. Never seen it.
--Duane Reade, 94th & Broadway
Overheard by: Caro
What If I Order Those, but You Hold the Cheese?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Customer: Yeah, I want two Crave Cases with burgers.
Cashier: Will that be hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
Customer: What's the difference?
Cashier: The cheeseburgers have cheese.
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: waiting for the food of the gods
McDonald's Employs Hobo Secret Shoppers to Keep Its Employees on Their Toes
Hobo: One small cheeseburger, please.
Counter girl: One small cheeseburger, anything else?
Hobo: What, they come in sizes now?
--McDonald's, 47th St
Overheard by: Jessica
As Good as Phil Collins, But With a Human Head
Old lady: I just heard the concert in the park.
Checkout girl: Oh yeah, who was playing?
Old lady: The Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Who?
Old lady: Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Phil Harmonic? Was he good?
--Gristedes, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: lankyfool
Like Chaka Khan
Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: steve d.
