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Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
Gawker Stalker, I Think You Missed One
Katie Holmes: He introduced me to his kids! And he's taking me to Rome on a private jet this weekend.
--Starbucks, Waverly Place
Overheard by: robinshire
Nothing Natural About Healing the Dead
Worker on phone: Good afternoon, Ms. Swank. We'd like to congratulate you on your recent Academy Award, and ask you to stop by and pick up your copy of Natural Healing.
--The Strand
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
It Was a Meeting, Not a Holocaust
Suit #1: That was a pretty good meeting...
Suit #2: Yeah, we got a lot done.
Hobo: Was Liam Neeson in it?
--51st & Madison
Overheard by: BDA
Surely He Meant Our Publisher
Hobo: You are very beautiful...you look like a movie star. Like Morgan Freeman.
Girl: Huh?
Hobo: Er, no, Morgan...Fairchild. Yeah, Morgan Fairchild.
--Bedford Ave. station
Completely Unlike Lindsay
Chick #1: I saw Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan making out on the street and now she has his band's symbol or whatever tattooed on her foot. They're so going out.
Chick #2: Don't you read the tabloids? That's old news.
Chick #1: The tabloids said they fucked. Just because they fucked does not mean they're going out. Look at me; I've fucked the whole world and I'm not seeing anyone. This time they're going out.
Chick #2: Yeah, you are a whore.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Might Be the Only Exciting Thing About Jessica
Queer #1: Whatcha reading?
Queer #2: Jessica Simpson's suing someone.
Queer #3: Let me see.
Queer #2 passes over a folder.
Queer #1: What? No pictures?
Queer #2: It's a lawsuit; there are no pictures in a lawsuit.
--Hampton Jitney
Overheard by: Todd
Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
--F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
--27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
--54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
--World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
--Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
--19th between 7th & 8th
No, But Her Acting is Contagious
Girl: Salma Hayek is part Mexican and part Syrian.
Guy: She's cesarean? Ain't that a disease?
--7 Train
Overheard by: LugoLounge
You Need a Lot of Junk to Take Out a Walking Skeleton
Nurse lady #1: Who do you think is going to OD first?
Nurse lady #2: Mary-Kate.
Nurse lady #1: Yeah, I know.
--Memorial Sloan-Kettering hospital, E. 68th Street
Overheard by: Phenders
Wednesday One-Liners Have at Least One Marketable Skill
Pragmatist: I figure if I don't get a job in publishing, I'll become a video vixen.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Skank: No way! I am not one of those girls. I am not a video girl...I am a dancer!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Skye
Ditz: Supposably [sic], she's going to be dancing in some Beyonce video. She's so stupid.
--54th St between 9th & 10th
Media scholar: Well it's different when the girl getting fucked in the video is the same age as you. I mean, that's great when you're 15.
--20th & 8th
Looks Like the Bug-eyed Bronxite is Toast
Howard Dean: ...I think Ferrer can win--
Man: Mr. Dean! I would have voted for you, man!
Howard Dean: ...Thanks...
Man: I would have voted for you if you remove all the poison in your
body!...I would have voted for you if you loved America! You would have been a great president, but only if you weren't so poisonous!
Howard Dean: ...Thanks...
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Steve Gartland
Straight from the Horse's Mouth
Sarah Jessica Parker: No honey, that's the litterbox. That's where the
kitty goes pee-pee and poo-poo.
--West 4th between Perry & Charles
It's All Downhill After Canal
Man: This is 57th and behind us is Madison and that's Park Avenue ahead, so 56th Street is to the right.
Matthew Perry: So it's set up like a grid?
--57th between Park & Madison
Overheard by: joseph Caruso
You Look a Lot Less Like You in Person
Man #1: What is going on here?
Man #2: They are filming the new Sex in the City movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. They have the entrance to the subway blocked off.
Man #1: Wonderful. I wouldn't even know what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like.
Woman nearby: Hi. I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
Man #1: Nice to meet you. Can I go home now?
Sarah Jessica Parker: Sure, go ahead.
--Outside 6 train entrance
Overheard by: Matt
But Now That You Mention It...
Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.
--Times Square
Me Fail English?
Governor Pataki: Go out and study hard so you don't get a bad exam on your grades.
--Cantor Film Center, East 8th Street
Overheard by: StyX
Man #1: The Tet Offensive was just confusing.
Man #2: Not really. I understood it completely.
Man #1: Well, let me use an analogy: it would be like if tomorrow, we went into Baghdad and removed all the troops. Is that how it was?
Man #2: Maybe; I don't know what analogy means.
--Washington Place & 6th
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
He Didn't See That Jen Looks Like She Has Down's
Teen girl #1: Oh my gosh, Brad Pitt is such an idiot.
Teen girl #2: I know, he never should've left Jen.
Teen girl #1: No, I mean, can't he see that the baby is clearly not his?
--Penn Station newsstand
He's Unsure Whether Skeletons Count as Siblings
Guy #1: ...and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix--
Guy #2: Who's River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix's brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess...
--A train
Then Beverly Cleary Bringing Up the Rear
Guy #1: Can you think of anyone who, in their prime, was hotter than Jessica Alba is right now?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah, totally. Like, Bridget Bardot, and Apollonia in Purple Rain.
--5th Avenue & 10th Street
Overheard by: Christina Walker
Not to Mention a Car Wreck for a Face
Black guy #1: Yo, you wanna go see Mariah Carey?
Black guy #2: Her music sucks but dat crazy white bitch got some big ass titties.
--Broadway & Broome
If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit-Ups a Day
LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.
Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that's LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don't understand -- that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Swanny
Actually, I Was in Great Expectations with Robert De Niro, Who Was in Sleepers with Kevin Bacon
Hispanic teen chick: Anyone ever tell you you look like Kevin Bacon?
Ethan Hawke: Yeah... Haha... Uhhh...
--Diner, Abingdon Square
Overheard by: Marco Formosa
Fresh New Face to Mean Girl: Two Years
Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!
--7th Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Ethan
Bill Gates is the new Brad Pitt
Martha Stewart is on a tabloid cover.
Hipster: Did you know she's now on that Forbes list?
Sunglasses at night girl: The one with rich people?
Hipster: Yes.
Sunglasses at night girl: She's not even a movie star.
--Key Foods, Williamsburg
When Publicists Get Into the Catnip
Mandy Moore: So, what's the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?
--Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher
Much Wiser Not to Argue It
Cashier: I'm sorry, but weren't you in that movie? With Kevin Costner?
Joan Allen: Yes, The Upside of Anger. Thanks.
Cashier: I knew it was you! Last time you was in here I kept staring 'cause I knew it was you -- remember, I was staring at you? You was so good in that!
Joan Allen: Oh, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it [pays and leaves].
Cashier to next lady in line: Yeah, last time she was in here I stared at her forever -- she must have thought I was crazy.
Lady in line: What movie was she in?
Cashier: 'The Other Side... of the Angel,' with Kevin Costner! She was that lady!
Lady in line: I never saw that movie. I thought she was on Lost. I thought she was the lady on Lost -- you know, the teacher.
Cashier: Nah, she was in that movie! 'The Other Side of the Angel.'
Lady in line: The Upside of Anger?
Cashier: No! It's called 'The Other Side of the Angel,' look it up!
Lady in line: Oh. Never seen it.
--Duane Reade, 94th & Broadway
Overheard by: Caro
I Didn't Know There Would Be a Quiz
Teen girl: Hey, I'm a Scientologist.
Tom Cruise: Oh, really? What echelon are you in?
Teen girl: [awkwardly quiet] Uh... number three?
Tom Cruise: Exactly.
--Mission: Impossible III gala premiere, TriBeCa Film Festival, BMCC
Overheard by: mademoiselle schaeffer
Tony Blair Gets Blamed for All the Disasters
Girl: How old is that guy?
Guy: Who, Bono? 40, 45.
Girl: Oh, and where are they from, England?
--7 train
Overheard by: Jack Kennedy
