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How the Seeds of Revolution Get Planted
Court clerk: Your summons says you must serve on the grand jury. Why are you asking for a postponement?
Juror: 4 weeks is too much.
Court clerk: It's too much for everyone [waves hand at other 200 potential jurors], yet somehow I don't see everyone storming the Bastille. You're serving.
--NY State Supreme Court, Centre St
Overheard by: TW
I Need to Get Me Some of That Time-Travel Pussy
Grocery stock boy #1: Man, I need to get me some foreign pussy. Out of town, out of state, out of country -- shit, I just want to see what it's like.
Grocery stock boy #2: Word.
--E 79th & York
Overheard by: PBT
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
'Shirts' are All the Rage This Season
Male shopper: Excuse me, do you have any sweater vests?
Salesperson: Um, we only have long sleeve vests.
Male shopper: Hmmm, can I see them?
--UNIQLO at Rockefeller Center
Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we'll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they'll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it's not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What's 50 minus 50?...I went to Syracuse University, I'm a college educated person, and I'm still confused. Is it free?
--Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Do Not Attempt to Watch Will Smith While Operating Heavy Machinery
Cashier chick #1: Sundays, now.
Cashier chick #2: You like working Sundays?
Cashier chick #1: I love working Sundays. So quiet. You could sleep, like, three hours. Will Smith came in yesterday! He was shooting a movie.
--Duane Reade, 56th & 6th
It's a Trap! Buy the Schopenhauer!
Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.
--Barnes & Noble, Broadway between 82nd & 83rd
Maybe You Should Stop Feeding It Beans
Sales clerk #1: I feel like I'm vibrating.
Sales clerk #2: Maybe it's your aura.
--Changing room, store, Soho
Overheard by: Gina
But you're in a 99-Cent Store
Cashier in Jack's 99 Cent store: Here's your change, 62-cents
Woman: But I just gave you $62, and since everything here costs $1, how come you're giving me 62 cents back?
Cashier: Everything here is 99-cents
Woman: Really?
Cashier: Yeah
-- Jack's 99-Cent Store, Midtown
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
Poe Write a Story About This Once
Store lady: What is your name sir?
Man: Bill [N-y-b-a-k-k-e-n.]
Store lady: Well, who is William?
Man: Bill is short for William.
Store lady: Bill is short for William, sure...
Manager guy: Yes, yes it is.
Store lady: Have a nice day.
Man: Unfuckingbelievable!
--Verizon, Wall Street
Not Everything, Mr. Foer. Not Everything.
Girl: I'm looking for a name of book that has the word "eliminate" in it.
Store guy: Okay. Let me see. Hmm...It doesn't look like anything came up in the search.
Girl: I know that's the word! I know it is. I really need this book!
Store guy: Okay. I'll try and search again.
Girl: It's "eliminate" with an I, not an E.
Store guy: Oh, you mean illuminate?
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: christina rusnak
If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip
Lady: I'm looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I'm vegan. I don't wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don't kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there's a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?
--Forest Hills shoe store
Overheard by: MG
My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel
Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can't open it.
Guy: It's already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I'm not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it's open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can't open it.
3 minutes of this ensue.
Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?
--Sunnyside post office
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
The Father of the Year 2005 Nominees
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
--43rd & 5th
The Acting's a Real Killer
Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn't there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it's in stock. But that's one of our most shoplifted items.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Baked with Christian Blood, or Split Hooves
Girl: Excuse me, is you popcorn kosher?
Counter guy: Um...I, ah, I dunno.
Girl: Do you even know what kosher means?
Counter guy: Hey, Geraldo. Is our popcorn kosher?
Geraldo: What the fuck's kosher?
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6
Death is a Kind of Power
Doorman: Out for your morning power walk?
Old woman: Power walk? I'd fucking drop dead before I got to the corner.
--55th between 5th & 6th
More Bookstore Fun
Woman: Excuse me, where are the literary journals?
B&N Guy: Them's over there.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
When Bad Jokes Come to Life
Coffee Barista: Would you like to try our new egg nog latte?
Dwarf: No thanks, I just want a tall coffee.
--Starbucks, UWS
Stupid-size Me
Man: ...and three plain cheeseburgers.
Cashier: Plain? Does that mean you want those with cheese, or not?
--McDonald's, St. Mark's Place
Wow, what a dick.
Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won't work for me. My dick's too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I've never seen a customer with that problem. Let's see what else fits your.. you.
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Headline by: jgordon
Runners-Up:
· "A cock and bull story" - Guy
· "Finally, it matters." - Ben Allaire
· "Try to contain yourself" - Jenny
· "We'll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too" - Silvyr
· "Talk about a suspicious package..." - girlhattan
· "Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut" - JB
· "Everybody Wants to Fit In" - Dave Barnette
· "Pop Goes The Weasel" - Paul
· "He has the same problem with hats" - Kendal
· "If she keeps talking like that, they'll fit even worse." - bill
· "Quite a Pickle" - Dave Barnette
· "Speedon't" - Sean McGurr
· "Too big for his britches" - suzie g
· "I am one size fits all" - twosko
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But It's Covered in Bugs
Clerk: Sir, please check your bag.
Customer #1: The money's in the bag. If you take the bag, I won't spend the money.
Customer #2: Here's my ticket. But I want that bag.
--Forbidden Planet
Certifiable Mail Guarantees Insanity for $1 More
Mailman: I'm sorry sir, but I don't know where this package is. It was undeliverable. It is not here.
Human man: I know. This is the third time I've been down here. So what do you want me to do?
Mailman: Sir?
Human man: What do you want me to do? Give up, keep coming back?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: What? Give up?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: You're serious?
Mailman: Yes.
--Post office, 34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Fish
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Just Two Cagneys, a Lacey and Three Kates
Security lady: ...Oh, I know her. I heard she don't have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh...nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin' dick.
Guy: Heh, heh...yep.
Security lady: Bet that's right up your alley, ain't it?
Guy: I ain't got no alleys.
--New York Public Library, West 53rd Street
Not a Creature was Stirring
Dude: There are about 20 mice running around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Starbucks has mice.
Store chick: They're cute!
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: The Tep
Store guy: Welcome to K-mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?
--K-mart, East 8th Street
Overheard by: Aerialist
They Have Living History in the Dispenser
Lady in stall #1: So, you want to look for that book you wanted?
Lady in stall #2: We are in the bathroom!
Lady in stall #1: It's a bookstore bathroom.
Saleslady in stall #3: Which book are you looking for?
Lady in stall #2: The one by Tupac Shakur.
Saleslady in stall #3: We have it in the Media aisle.
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd & 6th
When She Comes Back With the Size Five Wrapped Around One Thigh, All She's Getting Is Store Credit
Sales girl: Okay, so what did you want to get for her?
Old lady: Well, she's a size five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes here run small, so you probably want to get her a seven or something.
Old lady: No, my granddaughter, she's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes-
Old lady: -She's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, okay.
--Billabong store, Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Then Explain Maxim's Judge Judy Spread
Shopgirl #1: I can't believe she's in love with a guy who's 26.
Shopgirl #2: Well, my dad couldn't say anything if I went out with a guy who's 28 even, 'cause he married someone like 20 years younger than him.
Shopgirl #1: Wow, is she a hottie?
Shopgirl #2: She's a lawyer, so she can't be.
--4 Play BK, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu
They're Hiring Cicadas at K-mart Now
Clerk guy #1: Dude, we should go there on my birthday.
Clerk guy #2: Man, your birthday ain't for like ten years.
--K-mart, E. 8th Street
Someone Just Failed the Turing Test
Woman: Hi.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Hi.
Cashier lady: Oh.
The cashier finishes checking the lady out.
Lady: Thanks.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Never mind.
--Fine Fare, Clinton Street
Overheard by: Heather
Harps Require Too Much Manual Dexterity
King of single line drawings: Can you make me some copies of these drawings? I am the king of single line drawings.
Copy guy #1: How many do you want?
King of single line drawings: What's your favorite musical instrument? I'll make you one right now on the spot. How about that?
Copy guy #1: Piano.
King of single line drawings: ...And here you are. What's your favorite instrument?
Copy guy #2: Saxophone.
King of single line drawings: ...And here you are. Hey, you back there! What's your favorite instrument?
Copy girl: A harp!
King of single line drawings: Oh...anything but a harp!
--Village Copier, 111th & Broadway
That Amazing 21st Century Technology
Clerk lady #1: There's no price on this, no bar code. I can't sell it.
Clerk lady #2: Hold on, just call accessories.
Clerk lady #1: How do I do that?
Clerk lady #2: Accessories!
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
It's Short for Wigfield
Duane Reade cashier: Hey! Hey, security! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Huh?
Dunae Reade cashier: Your name, fool! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy.
Duane Reade cashier: What?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy. W-I-G-G-Y. That's not my government name though.
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen
We Have Ourselves a Match
Teen boy: Do you have any matches?
Counter lady: Can I see ID?
Teen boy: You need ID for matches? For just matches?
Counter lady: I can't give you matches without ID.
Teen boy: ID for matches...what the fuck is this world coming to?
--Bodega, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Tim Noonan
Cashier chick: "You've got cigarettes, but you don't have matches? That don't make sense!" We sell lighters, stupidass. Buy one.
--Walgreens, 4th Avenue
We Don't Understand the Meaning of "Please"
Businessguy: Hi, small Earl Grey tea with milk, please.
Deli man: What kind of tea?
Businessguy: Earl Grey.
Deli man: How many sugars you say? Two?
--Deli, Wall & Water
"I'll also take some chardonnay. Here's my prescription."
Customer: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Wine guy: Sure.
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: What?
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: Like...are you asking if it can be eaten by itself?
Customer: Yeah.
--93rd & Broadway liquor store
He's a Referee, Not an Umpire
Dude: Do you have baseball cleats?
Store guy: What?
Dude: Baseball cleats.
Store guy: What are those?
Dude: Shoes that you play baseball in, they have spikes on the bottom...do you carry any?
Store guy: No, I don't think so.
--Foot Locker, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: Adam Hill
It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet
Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!
--Macy's men's shoes department
Overheard by: Chris Noland
Most Children Are
Intellectual: I can't believe some adults enjoy reading those Harry Potter books; they're just awful.
Book vendor: Maybe some of them are still children.
Intellectual: I think some of them are psychopaths.
--W. 4th & Greene
Overheard by: Brian Lang