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Wednesday-One-Liners Will Be Held in the Station Momentarily...Thank You for Your Patience
Conductor: There are seats towards the back of the train.
Keep walking! Sometime today, people. What did you stop for? Keeeep walking!
--Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Muffin
Conductor: Where's the other guy? Raj, if you can hear me, you can come pick up your My Little Pony from the booth.
--LIRR, Hempstead station
Subway station announcement: Because of an earlier incident, all trains are now running.
--Union Square Station
Overheard by: E Moran
Conductor: This is 36th Street. Step to the side and let all the monkeys off the train. Let the monkeys off the train.
--Queens bound N train
Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an extremely crowded F train. Next stop is Jay Street, and by this time it's official, every person in New York is on this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors, if you can.
--Coney Island bound F train
Overheard by: F Train Sloper
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is 59th Street. And if you haven't voted and are thinking of voting for Bush, please see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 Train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Jonny
Conductor: You have yourself a satisfying Thursday.
--F train
And It Looks Remarkably Like Century 21
Conductor: World Trade Center-bound E train. Next stop -- Seventh Avenue.
Teen #1: We have to get off.
Teen #2: Huh... They built the World Trade Center again! Whoa.
--E train
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Little girl on dad's shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I'm not really a fan of that anymore.
--Outside MSG
Overheard by: eric p
Guy on cell: Dude, I'm sayin', it's like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk... [Sighs.]
--Canal St
20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems...
--Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Chris
NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train -- maybe by the hand -- because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.
--Penn Station
Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!
--Liberty St & South End Ave
Overheard by: julia
British girl to two friends: ... And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.
--R train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark
New York City Subway Stories
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
--F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
--1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That's what I'm talking about.
--A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
--A train
Pirates Have Their Own Ideas About What 'Clean' Means
Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!
--LIRR
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Nothing Like a Public Existential Crisis
Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?
--Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave
Overheard by: I know I'm getting off at 7th Ave., and I don't even work for MTA!
Wasn't This an Eddie Murphy Skit?
Hobo: You're all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
--M train
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It
Guy: I sold everything -- the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights... They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I'll only have one million, and that doesn't go as far as it used to.
--MoMA lobby
Overheard by: foofoo
Fat chick: ... So I was like, 'Mom, what the fuck? I don't need a diet.' Then she goes, 'But your doctor told you that you're a hundred pounds overweight -- eat healthier!' Then I just told her, 'Screw you!' I'd rather go on Maury than lose weight!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Maury Povich's viewer
Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We's gonna be on TV, nigga!
--137th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Liberace wannabe on cell: ... And I thought, 'Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!'
--44th & 9th
Conductor: There's another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.
--W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Or I Could Revive with Cocaine, Like Casey Over There
Conductor #1: There is a train ahead of us at the station. We'll be moving shortly.
Conductor #2: The D just crossed in front of us. Now there's an A and a D. I'm tired, too. I was out 'til four AM last night. I'm gonna take a nap!
--A train
Overheard by: is this man ok to drive?
It's Much Closer to Poland
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound G train.
Girl #1: This train is going to Queens?
Girl #2: But we're going to Greenpoint!
Woman: This goes to Greenpoint.
Girl #2: Greenpoint is in Queens?
Girl #3: I thought it was in Manhattan.
--G train
Overheard by: p
Dude, He'd Totally Rip You Open
Announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. We should be moving momentarily...Please be patient.
Guy #1: They always fucking say that! We should be compensated for our time.
Guy #2: Yeah. They should have a coin dispenser that gives back quarters.
Guy #1: Fuck that. That robot voice should give us robot sex.
--6 train
Overheard by: Toneloca
Uptown Wednesday One-Liners
Man: Well, at least if you get deported you'd get to go somewhere exotic. If I get deported I go back to the Bronx...
--Barnard College
Conductor, as rap music blares through speakers: Yo, this is a shout-out to all my niggas keepin' it real on the 1 train. Takin' the 1 to the Bronx at four a.m. -- that's gangsta, son!
--Bronx -bound 1 train
Female employee: I'm so annoyed... so annoyed. This morning there was a dead body near the Bronx train station. It made me late for work. The train was sooo crowded. I hate that! I hate when we are all packed in the train like sardines!
--Fox News Channel newsroom
Chick: He's either retarded... or from the Bronx.
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: mokee
No One Cares about Its Personality
Conductor: Due to an incident, the L train is now running at a slower speed.
Chick, to friend: You see?! You see?! It's always a body with the L train. With the L train it's always a body.
--L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
From Next Season's Medium
Conductor: For local service, switch to the D Train. Yes, for local service, take the D. I know many of you don't believe me, but I know you know in your hearts that I am right. And if you glance to your right, you'll see there is a D train on the next platform. Excellent.
--B train
Do Squatters Have No Rights?
Drunk girl: Is that a bathroom I see?
Conductor: It's out of order.
Drunk girl: Ok, I'm going in there.
Conductor: It's out of order!
Drunk girl's friend: I don't think we can use that one, let's go find a place to squat.
--LIRR
Overheard by: hbs
Happy Father's and My Man's a Deadbeat Day
Conductor: To all the men on the train, Happy Father's Day. And to all the ladies on the train who wear two hats, Happy Father's Day to you, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: Eli Feldblum
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
On the L, the Conductor Appears as a Burning Bush
Conductor over loudspeaker: Oh you think you're pretty bad by not giving up your spot.
Long pause.
Conductor over loudspeaker: Don't go pretending that you can't hear me now!
--N train
Overheard by: Gregorio
If Only the Conductor Could Hear That Witty Retort...
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a smoke condition at Chambers Street. We will be delayed pulling into 42nd Street.
Teen boy: What the fuck is a smoke condition? My mom has a smoke condition. Subways don't.
--1 train
Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph
Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?
--6th Ave & 57th St
Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him -- that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: She was probably right...
Guy: I just told her, 'Keep on fakin' those orgasms!'
--7th Ave & 32nd St
Suit on cell in McDonald's: Yeah, well, I'm in Connecticut right now...
--Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Blaine
Conductor: There's another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.
--W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kyle
Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies
Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? 'Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom's attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?
--34th & 2nd
Dude: You know what? I'm just going to drop out of college and play baseball, 'cause I've always wanted to play for the NBA!
--SJU baseball field
Overheard by: rach boogie
Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.
--L train
Overheard by: Aidan
Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.
--55th & 7th
Overheard by: Caroline
Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium... Home of, y'know, that other team.
--Flushing-bound 7 train
Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: amused tourist
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
Wednesday One-Liners over the Intercom
Subway conductor: It ain't so bad. Better than going to the gas station.
--very crowded L train
Overheard by: Philip
'Please'? What the Fuck is That, Some New Hipster Insult?
Conductor: All right, people, there is six hundred feet of train. Let's try to use more than one door, please.
Tourist: Well that was rude.
--Downtown F train, 42nd St
Wednesday One-liners Swipe Again
Conductor: Attention, passengers. If you're waiting for the E train, dream on! It isn't running at all! So get on here and wait for further instructions!
--A train
Overheard by: DJ Ranma S
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been So Secularized
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street is next, 59th Street. Everyone have a pleasant day. And a friendly reminder: only 10 shopping days left until Christmas! Be festive, but don't spend your money all at once! Ho, ho, ho! Always remember the three gift-giving rules of Christmas. They're as easy as A, B, C. A: Make a list of everyone you want to buy a gift for. B: Ask them what they want for Christmas. C: Tell them, 'Give me the money and I'll buy it for you!' 59th Street.
--A train
Overheard by: d, cover your groin
Woman selling adult books entitled Extra-Marital Affair: Get your books here! Make great Christmas presents for your loved ones!
--Penn Station, 34th St entrance
Overheard by: Bewildered
Chick dog-walker on cell: I am not doing A Christmas Carol at the Mississippi Shakespeare Festival!
--Payson Ave & Beak St
Conductor: Listen up, people! I can't stress this enough: you only have two hands. If a third one is in your pocket, make some noise! I'm sure other passengers will help you out. You don't want anyone having a merry Christmas on your hard work. [Long pause, then singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [Another pause] There are only six shopping days left. Ho, ho, ho!
--A train
Overheard by: he brightened my day
Tourist watching erection of Rockefeller Christmas tree: What's the big tree for?
--Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: B.W. McAdams
Some People Have Pride in Their Work
Conductor: Dyckman Street's next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street's next, nigga!
--1 train near 191st
Overheard by: vegannramember
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Permit for That
Woman: So he wakes up trippin' in the middle of the night, telling me to go get him a gun.
--Queens Blvd & 82nd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Conductor: This is an express train. Express. Express. Express. No Fordham, no Bronx. Express, express, express. Well...I wanna shoot myself!
--Metro North train
Overheard by: Jeff
Man: Hey baby, nice body ... Get fat and I'll shoot ya.
--Classon Ave & Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sheila
Hobo: My grandma isn't here anymore to send me to the store to buy her a Colt 45, but I can still love Jesus!
--Uptown 3 train
Overheard by: jane shields
Ghetto guy: Man, my boy just got shot!
--Stanton St & Orchard St
Overheard by: Kris
Thug: A gun? You gotta shoot that bitch with a crossbow.
--L train, Lorimer Ave
Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I'll pretend to do something here.
--Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
--1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It'll get you on the train, it'll get you on the bus.
--A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn't let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
--over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
Wednesday One-liners Practice Good Conduct
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen on the platform. Yes, this is a C train. If you are waiting for the F train you have gots to get on this train, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Just get on this train, and we will discuss it as we roll.
--C train
She's Been Listening to the New Stern Show
Old lady: Please stop!
Conductor: I didn't see you.
The train pulls away.
Old lady: Fuckhead.
--23rd Street F station
And His Union Has Never Paralyzed the City
MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we're not moving. You can't play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You're just jealous that I make more than you.
--R Train at 53rd St station
When One Door Closes. . .
Conductor #1: Uh, Jack?
Conductor #2: Yeah Joe.
Conductor #1: We need to stop.
Conductor #2: Stop? What do you mean stop?! We're in the middle of a tunnel!
Conductor #1: A door just opened.
Conductor #2: What the.....
--N train
Overheard by: melissa
Wednesday One-liners Use Public Transport
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen...this is not good.
--N train
Overheard by: Melissa
Overheard by: Anonymous
Making Up for Lost Time
Conductor #1: Hey, hey! We're stopping here!
Conductor #2: No, we're not.
Conductor #1: Yes, we are! Stop here, we're stopping at this station!
Conductor #2: Too late. Next stop Hunters Point.
--7 train
Overheard in the Headlines: The Strike
Old lady: They are going to strike? They should put up signs fuckers! I see you looking at me you skinny bitch, fuck you.
Conductor: The doors are closing.
Old lady: Can't put up signs but the fucker is telling me the doors are closing.
--F train
Hobo: Don't worry about the strike, we'll all fly to work! Flap our wings and fly!
--14th & 7th
Guy: I was there at the strike in 1980; I remember it well. It went on for two weeks. Of course, they could never have it that long now. The population of the city has doubled since 1980.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: greek goddess
Conductor: Shit, I'll get nasty right now. I'll pull the brakes, see how they like that.
--1 train
Overheard by: Priscilla Castillo
Tween boy: So how's the strike going?
Bus driver: If there was a strike I wouldn't be here, you moron.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Sara's Hot
Wednesday One-liners by Storm Field
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this Q train is currently making local stops due to the 12 cups of snow outside.
--Q train
And Don't Call Me Roger
Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: One of the intoxicated
Wednesday One-liners Announcements
Loudspeaker: Spirit Airlines is paging Islam Mohammed. Islam Mohammed, please report to gate B6 for an ontime departure.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Joe Helfrich
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, in a crowded car like this, remember you only have two hands. If you notice a third hand in your purse or your pocket, I am sure your fellow passengers will help you get rid of the third hand.
--A train
Overheard by: Miss Babette
Bus driver: First, next and last stop!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Palaverist
Loudspeaker: OK...The downtown E train is leaving...Close it up, close it up, close it up...downtown E train...close it up...now serving Wade, party of 2...Wade, party of 2.
--E. 51st Street station
Overheard by: Tim
Those Garbled Wednesday One-liners
Condutor: If you would like to operate the doors, please take the test to become a conductor. In the meantime, please release the doors, because there are a lot of people on this train who would like to get to work on time.
--A train
Overheard by: Aryn M
Here's a Hint: She Gave Birth to You
A guy runs down and holds the train doors open. Guy: Yo! Yo! ...Yo!
Conductor: Next stop West 4th, stand clear.
The doors close.
Conductor: ...I wanna know who "Yo" is.
--A train
Overheard by: p. vale
It's Like the Movie Hitchcock Never Bothered to Film
Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I'm not!
--E train
They're Really into Big Scenes There
Conductor: If you see someone trying to steal from you, make a lot of noise, create a big scene, and I'm sure someone will come to your aid.
Man: Clearly this guy is not from New York. Maybe he's from Utah or something.
--A train
Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let's go!
--N train
Overheard by: Julia
Wednesday One-liners Will Be Making All Stops
Conductor: You know which train it is; you know where it's going; step in, stand clear.
--W train
Remember, Lying Sacks of Shit Work in Every Occupation
Conductor: Attention, passengers, this J Train is now going express to Myrtle. You hear me? Express. Express! There is a local train right behind this one. This train is going express! [Mob of angry passengers exits train.] Psych! This is a local J Train to Manhattan. Next stop: Chauncey. Please enjoy the leg room brought to you by the New York City MTA.
--Broadway Junction Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: JRider
Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.
--1 train
Overheard by: Traveler Bill
Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.
--R train
Overheard by: Mark
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they're not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.
--N train
Overheard by: SP
Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!
--MetroNorth train
Overheard by: alyssa
Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.
--6 train
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one...ten degrees cooler.
--6 train
Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!
--F train
Overheard in the Headlines: The Train Bridge Fire
Conductor: We're experiencing some slight delays. There seems to be a power outage in the station. Or on the tracks. Or there might be an Amtrak line down. You should probably get off now and take the PATH. And if you didn't hear this message the other three times, I'll be saying it again in 30 seconds.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: gigglechick
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're on Track A, which is normally an eastbound track. We're waiting for written instructions to depart. They're probably making copies for us right now. Thank you for your patience.
--Newark Penn Station
Overheard by: gigglechick
Fighting Communism was Funnier than Fighting Terrorism
A Russian lady mutters to herself: I want to be at the front of the line so I can pick my seat, I'm not sitting by some fat, smelly person.
She tries to cut to the front of the line, unsuccessfully.
Russian lady: I was here the whole time! I was standing right next to this lady!
This lady: No, she wasn't.
Conductor: You better get to the back of the line, ma'am.
Russian lady: But I was here the whole time! Where's your manager? I want to talk to the manager!
Conductor: Please step to the back of the line, you've gotta wait in line like everyone else.
Russian lady: I know what your problem is! I bet you don't like white people!
Everyone else in line burst out laughing, and she was escorted away by security.
--Port Authority
Woman: Well, at least the Mexicans are friendly and they're always working. Unlike those goddamn Russians! You know what I mean!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
More Improvisational Theater from the Good People at the MTA
Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You're only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off!
Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on.
Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We're going express!
--7 train, Junction Blvd
How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso
Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!
--Crowded 2 train
Overheard by: CeLia
How You Know You Have a Gambling Addiction
Conductor on intercom: Eh, Bill, we have two guys in wheelchairs near the middle of the platform...
Bill, the driver: ... Are they racing?
--Metro-North to Dobbs Ferry
Overheard by: Eleanor
Another Subway Kidnapping
Conductor: This is a downtown C train making all stops. Spring Street, World Trade Center, we go there. We do all the stops. Get on this train! [Pause.] Hey, you, still on the platform -- did you not hear what I said? Why didn't you get on?
Man: I'm waiting for the A.
Conductor: I'm going wherever the A's going. Get on my train!
--C train
Al-Qaida Has Gotten a Lot Less Crafty
Conductor: Borough Hall. Next stop, Heaven...excuse me, Nevins.
Woman: Um, should I get off here?
--5 train
Overheard by: James
This Wednesday One-liners is Going Local
Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors.
--B train
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Kelly Wittman
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law.
--R train
Conductor: ...we are told the delay is indefinite...for future reference "indefinite" does not mean the train won't leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you're on your way!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust
Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: The way this train is moving you'd be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown.
--F train
Overheard by: Matt
Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever.
--Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue
Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don't pee on the seats people.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Susie P
Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St...by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick.
--F train
Overheard by: RMC
Stand Clear of the Wednesday One-Liners, Please
Conductor: We know it's Monday, and we're sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Hates Mondays
Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.
--LIRR
Overheard by: vm
Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.
--Uptown D train
Overheard by: tired commuter
Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.
--Uptown A train, 207th St
Overheard by: How far north can you go?
Conductor: Stand clear of the...uh...opening doors.
--Q train, 57th St
Overheard by: K. Chas
Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Taylor G.
Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it's Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It's 7:54. You've got plenty of time!
--1 train
Those ATVs Can Do Anything
Voice over PA: This train will not be continuing and we need to evacuate the train. There is a car in the station so we are going to have everyone walk forward.
Guy #1: There's a car in the station?!
Guy #2: Yeah, a car from this train...
Guy #1: Oh, thank GOD! I thought someone really fucked up.
--Manhattan-bound F, stopped just short of East Broadway Stop
Overheard by: That Guy
The Hutts Staff the Post Office
Conductor: This is a Manhattan bound N train. The next stop is Grand Avenue.
Guy #1: Ha, ha, ha! Yo, listen up! Darth Vada's running da train!
Guy #2: Dat's some funny shit, man.
--N train
I'll Be Late for Pilates!
Conductor: Due to train traffic ahead, this train will be going local to Roosevelt. Local to Roosevelt.
Three-year-old kid: Fuck!
--F train
Overheard by: Big J
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize
Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.
--4 train
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain't playin'! Stand clear the fuckin' doors!
--E train
Conductor: Listen, folks. I'm paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.
--3 train
Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!
--C train
Overheard by: The Man
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don't hold people! People hold doors.
--R train
Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.
--3 train, 14th St
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Wednesday One-Liners Couldn't Get into Stuyvesant
Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn't graduate... Don't major in Chemistry. Also, don't smoke crack.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: not planning on it
Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside -- this train is not made of spandex.
--F train
Overheard by: BellaFrancine
Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.
--Dorm room, Columbia campus
Overheard by: college girl
Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? ... How many things are wrong with that?
--Salvation Army store, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
For Wednesday One-Liners, Sexy Never Went Away
Teen boy: I really think that in Dracula the vampire dude is trying to bring the sexy back to England.
--F train
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.
--6 train, 59th St
Overheard by: Katey
Girl: That was a sexy garbage can...
--Stuyvesant High School
Little boy in stroller: I'm bringing sexy back!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: sarah B
They Really Should Have Rehearsed
Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.
--6 train
Overheard by: pberg
Wednesday One-liners Watch the Calendar
Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!
--PATH train
Overheard by: elise n
MTA: Select Trains Will Now Feature Relationship Counselors
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
--1 train, 14th St station
Overheard by: Next stop was Houston
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We're having a door problem -- someone at the front of the train is holding them open.
--3 train, Franklin Ave
Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors... Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.
--2 train
Overheard by: mo love
Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I'll kick your ass!
--1 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don't stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!
--2 train
Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.
--Shuttle Platform, Grand Central
Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.
--S train
Wednesday One-Liners, Your Guides to the Underworld
Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.
--Manhattan-bound C train
Overheard by: Fish
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
--Crowded F train, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jas
Conductor: Go on, now -- walk out the door. Just turn around now... Last stop.
--LIRR
Overheard by: not welcome anymore
Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that -- just stay still for, like, five seconds... God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don't stop doin' things, I'm gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little-- [mic turns off].
--F train, East Broadway
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we're stopping, but I'm not opening the doors!
--njt
Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Run This City
Conductor: Attention! You've boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you're trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
--5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for... Aw, hell, there ain't no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
--E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn't the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
--Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
--LIRR
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
--Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn't open. If you don't listen, I don't really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain't saying it again!
--LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y'all, these suckahs gon' be on this train for hours!
--1 train
Wednesday One-liners; Let's Make Them "I Do"
Girl on cell: Oh no! I dropped a bunch of papers that I don't need!
--Pace University elevator
Overheard by: shawn mac
Conductor: The next stop will be...Hell, I don't even know what it is!
--B train
Overheard by: Miss Babette
Guy: You know, when I was doing those breathing exercises, I realized: I don't think I've been able to breathe out of my left nostril since 1995.
--General Store, DUMBO
Overheard by: Beth
We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination
Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...
--Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour
Overheard by: Vinnie
They're Caught in the Doors
Conductor on loudspeaker: Release the doors. Release the doors now!
Crazy guy, screaming: Release my nuts on your face!
--Queens bound E train
Overheard by: I hope its not my face
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
But Now I'm Thinking It Would Be Funny If We Suspended Service
Woman on platform as crowded rush hour train packs full: Is there going to be another train after this one?
Conductor, closing the doors on people: I sure hope so, stupid.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Queemys Mommy
Me? Oh Thank You, Mr. Perfumed Butt Pirate!
Conducter. Stand clear of the closing doors... Stand clear everyone... Please stand-a clear of the closing doors.... In the front car, you, with the hat, in or out already!
Queer: I think he means you, Mr. Smelly Homeless Man.
--145th St Station
Overheard by: CI
I Feel I Have Earned These Seats
Conductor: Please sit up.
Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won't everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]
Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.
Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that's why I look like this.
--A train
Overheard by: Urban Cowboy
Subterranean Homesick Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor, as the 7 connection pulls from the station across the platform: All of you can thank the passenger in the fifth car down for holding the doors at 59th and making all of you miss your connection.
--N train at Queensboro
Conductor: All right, you had your chance... doors are closing.
--Downtown 1 train @ 42nd st
Overheard by: Mark Manne
Conductor on speaker: We will be stopping in this station for an unspecified amount of time due to our hour delay. There is no scheduled departure time for this train. Once the maintenance is finished we will be departing unannounced. I repeat, we will be leaving unannounced. So if you do decide to step off the train, remember: the train didn't leave you--you left the train.
--Amtrak train Penn Station
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: Attention on the platform. There is no F service in Brooklyn this weekend. For F service to Manhattan, please get on this G train and listen for announcements. Otherwise, you will be waiting here until Monday morning.
--Queens-bound G train, Bergen St.
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the world. Transfer here to everything. Bye.
--7 train station, Times Square
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Due to destruction, there is no service on the 1 train. Repeat, due to destruction, the 1 train is suspended.
--Downtown 2 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Manhattan-bound N train. Now everybody throw their hands in the air! This is going to be fun! Whee!
--N train going around bend, pulling into Queensboro Plaza
You Leave It Where It Is but Secretly Know It Belongs to You Now
Conductor: Due to a stalled train at Lorimer Street, there is no L service to Manhattan.
Hispanic lady: Why would someone stole a train? Where they gonna put it?
--M train
I'm a Quid Pro Quo Volunteer
Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here -- he doesn't get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope -- I won't save you!
--LIRR
It's Not Like He Can Crash It
Conductor, doors closing at East Broadway: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop Steinway Street.
Conductor, doors closing at Delancey: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop 23rd Street.
Girl: Should I be worried?
--F train
Overheard by: Suzanne
NewsFlash: After Renovations, MTA Announces Elimination of 'Gap' Accidents, Along With Total Immobility of All Trains
Conductor: When exiting, please watch the gap between the train and the station platform.
Older woman: Why don't they just fix the gap? Then they wouldn't have to bother saying that.
--LIRR
Overheard by: glad I don't live in LI
If It's a Mugging, You're in Luck!
Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm... Hope you find what you're looking for, son.
--125th St station, Harlem
Hopefully Not Someone Too Chunky
Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.
--Grand Central-bound Metro-North
If Only CNN Were This Succinct With Its News
Conductor, on loudspeaker: Who won?
Yankee Fan: Twins!
Conductor, on loudspeaker: Shit.
--Manhattan bound D train
Overheard by: Julie
Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal
Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.
--Long Beach-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Matt P.
Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard... And you don't want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place...
--Metro-North
Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you're having a bad day, don't try to have a good one. That's just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.
--6 train
Overheard by: freckles
Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?
Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.
--A train
Overheard by: McF.
Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.
--7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!
--Q train
Overheard by: Zvi
The Right to Walk to Work
Conductor: Uh, ma'am, you can't stand in the doorway.
Woman: Why not?
Conductor: Because then the train won't move.
Woman: And who's it to you to tell me what I can and can't do on this train? I'm a New Yorker, I have rights!
Conductor: I'm the conductor.
Woman: Well, then I don't want to be on your train!
--A train
Overheard by: Calmandodd
Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops
Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!
--N train
Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why's it gotta be Kings Highway?
--B train, Kings Highway station
Overheard by: I feel his pain
Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you're screwed.
--1 train, 34th St
Overheard by: Nettle
Conductor: There's another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I'm sure there is another F train behind us.
--F train
Overheard by: I can see the light too
Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train... Oh... I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we're going uptown, so it doesn't matter.
--2 train
Overheard by: andy kleiman
Conductor: We're not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York's finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we're the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!
--A train, between 125th & 59th St
But at Least It'll Be a Quick End!
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to backups on the F, this train is going to make express stops only at Delancey Street all the way to Brooklyn. Passengers who would like to get off at 2nd Avenue and East Broadway please get off the train and take the next train right behind us.
Sephora shopping bags woman: Right behind us, my ass! We're all gonna die!
--F train
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
The Zen of Metro North Maintenance
Conductor #1: Folks, if you're looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full.
Conductor #2: Or half empty.
--Metro North train
Since Kathie Lee Left, Regis Has Become More Volatile Every Year
Conductor: Next stop, 110th. This one goes to Van Cortlandt.
Tourette's man: I know, you fuck! Stop yelling at me!
--1 train
I Had a J in Jamaica Once, Dude
Conductor #1: This is a J train all the way to Coney Island. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor #2: What?
Conductor #1: What?
Conductor #2: Dude.
Conductor #1: J train to Jamaica!
Conductor #2: Dude.
--Jamaica-bound J train
Overheard by: bdogg
Oh, Wait, It's Mine
Conductor: The train is crowded. Please -- arms, legs, bags, coats, hats, scarves -- pull them in. I cannot close the doors.
Dude: You know it's someone's ass...
--1 train
Overheard by: wasn't my ass
God That Felt Good. I'm Shivering Here
Conductor over loud speaker: In case you didn't stop to look at what train this is, listen up, because I'm telling you now. This is the C Train. This train will be running express from here to Canal Street. I repeat: This train is running express from here to Canal Street. If you need to get to a local stop in between, you must go to 14th Street and take the C uptown. Uptown trains are stopping at all stations. Next stop: 42nd Street.
Teen girl, as train approaches 42nd: Excuse me, is this train stopping at 23rd Street?
Conductor: You didn't listen to the announcement at all, did you?
Teen girl: No.
Conductor: Then I'm not telling.
--C train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: i love a tube with tude
Cover Me, I'm Goin' in
Conductor, angrily: Stand clear of the closing doors!
Passenger: She need to get laid.
--F train
Overheard by: i do too
Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?
Man in nearly empty train: There's an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There's a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No... I think it must belong to somebody.
--Harlem line, Metro-North
Overheard by: getting off the next stop
Call Me If You Need a Spokeshobo
Conductor: This train will be going express to 137th Street. The next stop on this train will be 137th Street.
Hobo: 137th Street! And if you don't like it, buy your own train!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?
Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven't showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please... I'll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.
--Long Beach bound LIRR
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.
--C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
--B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
--N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
--C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
--Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"
--Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
--F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
--A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to...This is an A train to... to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we're going?
--A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there's a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin', get to steppin'!
--1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!
--PATH train
I Guess I Should Get Back to the Wheel, Then
Conductor: Does this train stop in Jamaica?
Passenger: Uh, yes.
Conductor: Oh. Good.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
It's For Sale!
Conductor: Due to a problem at 14th St-Union Square, this train will be going express to Brooklyn Bridge. This train will not stop at any local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Switch to an uptown 6 train for all local stops. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. The next stop will be Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge is next.
Man: What was the next stop?
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: Petey Mills
What Did the Wednesday One-liners Just Say?
Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Joyce Shen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you're running late for your train, try calling out "please wait." Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I'll wait.
--F train
Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?
--B train
Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!
--QM1 bus
Overheard by: MissDona
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you're not on an airplane.
--MetroNorth train
Overheard by: Nic
Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.
--D train
Overheard by: Camodee D
PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.
--4 train
Overheard by: OJ-Gangas
Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.
--D train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Little Dance Number, Too
Drunk singing to tune of 'Proud Mary': But I never did the Macarena, and I never caught the gonorrhea...
--Stanton St & Clinton St
Conductor: Folks, I've been having a recurring dream that I'd like to share with you. [Singing in high falsetto voice] I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...
--A train
Girl singing at fax machine: I'm bringing faxin' back, yeah!
--Kinko's, 54th St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: jarett
Conducter over intercom: This is the last stop on the G train. [Two minutes later, conductor raps over intercom] G train -- nah mean? Nice and clean for you bums that stayed on this train.
--G train, Court St
Overheard by: I Just Missed My Stop
Conductor singing over intercom: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the blah blah blah...
--A train
Overheard by: Heather
Panhandler singing: I will pay you back!
--7th Ave & Christopher St
Overheard by: Rolfer
Wednesday One-Liners on the Disoriented Express
Conductor at Van Wyck: This is... not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?
--Manhattan-bound E train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180... This is the E Train to 170... This is the F... This is the... Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.
--Most definitely the F train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don't know. What are the express stops?
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Pam
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street... Shit... Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!
--L train, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: erin b
Conductor: Captain, we've lost power -- we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: scared passenger
Conductor: The Queens-bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.
--7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown... [long pause]... Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.
--6 platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Johnny
Hope That Guy in the Middle Doesn't Puke
Conductor: You can get off and switch trains if this one is too crowded. There is an empty train right behind us.
Thug to friend: Why should I believe that guy? He just wants us to get off this damn train.
Conductor: But I guess none of you people gonna believe me.
--1 train
Overheard by: sgeness
Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct
Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out... I'll see you in Babylon...
--LIRR train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Reese
Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we're off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.
--Metro-North
Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan... apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.
--D train
Overheard by: i don't like that dude
Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.
--F train
Overheard by: Eileen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don't think I know how to swim.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: mark
Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Care
Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren't, it still is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York
Conductor: This is the last stop -- Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y'all have a nice day and be good, now... But if you can't be good, be baaad.
--6 train
Overheard by: Paul Schroeder
Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!
--Connecticut-bound Metro-North train
MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!
--8th St N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: bKSquared+AV
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door -- well, it is not scholarship material. Let's use our brains, people. Then you won't have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.
--A train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn't open for you at the last station, they won't open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!
--Hempstead-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Nathalie
Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I'm lonely back here.
--Metro-North
Conductor: And now... the mass exodus!
--F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
The ACLU Filed Suit Moments After
Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say "stay clear of the closing doors", that means don't push a closing door back open. Don't stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don't hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn't rocket science. God, it's not even high school science.
--1/9 train
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
