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Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
That's Not Gonna Hold Up In Court
Attorney: Do you know where the 26th Precinct is?
Police officer: No...Wait, that's where I left my gun...No, I don't know where it is.
--Manhattan Criminal Court
Overheard by: Bemused Public Defender
Bush Figures Out His Tailors Tricked Him
Mother: When is the president coming by? My children want to see.
Police officer: Well, nobody will be able to see the president because we were told no one will be able to face the motorcade.
--Chambers & West
Five minutes later their car was stolen.
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Pepperoni Dreams
Three policemen are talking to a man inside Two Boots Pizza behind the security gate and locked front door, 9 am Sunday morning.
Cop: How did you get in here?
Man: I woke up here in the middle of the night!
Cop: Do you work here?
Man: No!
--Avenue A
The Pot Calling the Kettle NYPD Blue
Walkie-talkie: Need backup on 49th & Broadway...
Cop #1: 49th & Broadway! Isn't that us?
Cop #2: No, they've already got someone there.
Cop #1: Yeah, us...You're an idiot.
--D train
Overheard by: Nate Luce
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
Two boys were playing on a fire escape.
Boy #1: Okay. Now I'll be the policeman, and you be the fireworks on Coney Island.
--Windsor Terrace
I Saw Frank Open a Beer Bottle With His Labia
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Even Get me Started on Lifeguards...Bunch of Pussies." - Lindsey
· "Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?" - Bones
· "Don't Get Him Started on Meter Maids..." - colin
· "Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey" - Hunter North
· "It Makes For an Interesting Calendar" - travis
· "That's How the Poles Stay so Smooth" - Syd O'Banion
· "They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation" - Johnny D
· "Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries" - Jenina
· "You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection" - Matthew
· "You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was." - Paul
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Puerto Rican Pride
Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, 'I'm out with the guys and I won't be able to be home by 2.' So I say to him, 'Just don't come home at 6 am!' and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin'!
--Precinct 90, Williamsburg
Even There, They Will Not Be Treated Like Family
Tourist: Yeah, we're looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Seriously?
I Don't Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
New York's Funniest: Unsung Heroes
Two cop cars are after someone, heading downtown on Fourth Avenue, sirens going. One cop brakes abruptly and throws it into reverse and makes a backward left turn onto 86th Street, where a civilian is sitting in his car, waiting for the light to change. The cop car smashes into the front of the civilian's car, and the cop announces on
his megaphone: Wake up, dildo!
--Bay Ridge
What could he be talking about?
Policeman: "...of course I would accept the money! Do I look like I'm rich?"
- Bedford L subway station
There Won't Be Any New Exhibits Until Next Month
Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
But Now It's a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
It's Okay-- It's His Job to Stand There
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Isaac
Meter Maid by Day, Scalper by Night
Guido: Why don't you get a real job?
Meter maid: I got a real job. And I give real tickets.
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Dan Hughes
Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old
Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can't miss 'em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight...Go up the stairs...when you get to the top...make a left.
Old woman: So I'm making a right, then going up the stairs...
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn't he rude!
Cop lady: Ma'am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I'll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma'am.
The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mshorty
The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Makes Me Question My Masculinity
Cop #1: Whoopie, whoopie, whoopie...
Cop #2: What are you talking about?
Cop #1: You know -- [twirls finger].
Cop #2: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Cop #1: I hear she's a real wild fuck!
Cop #2: Yeah, I just never saw myself working for a woman.
--24-hour diner, 52nd & 8th
My Son is an Honor Student...and a Vandal!
Suit #1: ...so he's got one hand on the car's aerial, and with the other hand he's punching a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while running alongside. At this point it becomes destruction of property.
Suit #2: And that's when the campus police got involved?
--52nd & 6th
Overheard by: Meredith
Wednesday One-Liners Live Life on the Edge
Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great... And I don't know if I want to take that risk.
--Train to Glen Rock
Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a 'rip' noise, and then it broke.
--West End Ave
Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C'mon, c'mon! If they get hit, they get hit.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian
Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you're going to hit him whether he's deaf or not!
--Bedford Park, Bronx
Overheard by: Cousin It
Go-go dancer boy: I'm totally the only one who hasn't fallen off the bar yet.
--Pier 45, Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn
Complete with the "Experimenting"
Cop: All right guy, you have two options--
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Toon
About Last Night
Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don't have to. It's free today. Tomorrow, New Year's Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don't know. They pay me to.
--UWS
Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I'll pretend to do something here.
--Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
--1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It'll get you on the train, it'll get you on the bus.
--A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn't let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
--over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
He Got Served...Literally!
Cop: Excuse me sir, did you drop this Metrocard?
Asian guy: Oh thank you so much, I've been looking for it all over the place!
Cop: You littered. Here's your ticket.
--Kew Gardens station
Overheard by: Ting
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
It's Probably Because of Copyright Violations
A hobo has a cardboard sign that says "Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons."
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don't know why. I've already had five police come by and bother me today.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
New York's Finest Dermatologist
Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It's a big pimple.
Cop #1: It's fucking gross, dude.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Eric L.
"Now can you point me to Yoko's house?"
Teen girl: Excuse me, have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye?
Cop: Yes.
Teen girl: Do you know where the ducks go in the winter? The ones in Central Park; do you know where they fly to?
Cop: Oh, yeah. They just go to the duck house.
--47th & 5th
Cue Big Musical Finale
Tourist guy: Officer, what's happening?
Cop guy: What's happening? Rush hour's happening!
--Times Square station
"...he put it in my holster 9 months before you were born."
Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don't want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter: So I can carry a gun.
Mother: You don't need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain't no cop and he has a gun.
--F train
Overheard by: Paul Swenson
When You've Watched 30 Minutes of CBS
Cop: If the meter is broken, you can park there for an hour.
Driver guy: But how do you know when it's been an hour?
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jennifer Morehead
Yes, Shrapnel is Hi-larious
Cop #1: That was a fun job. That was exciting.
Cop #2: Oh, come on.
Cop #1: When he said, "I'll go in, you stay here", I really thought we had a bomb there.
--Bay Parkway Subway Station
The Getaway Vehicle Had 1 Horsepower
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.
--50th & 5th
Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not
St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
He Works in the Irony Precinct
Guy: I thought you couldn't write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write 'em, they just don't have to pay 'em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!
--6th between B & C
Also His Answer to "What Is the Meaning of Life?"
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Cop: What?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
--Times Square
Overheard by: I Just Work Here
Dog: I know, right?
Girl #1: Look, that policewoman has a seeing-eye dog! Isn't that cool?
Girl #2: Oh yeah, cool, they have them here for that anti-terrorism shit.
Cop lady: ...Is she friggin' kidding me?
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Tara B
Got a Match?
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
The Actors Received a Promotion
Girl #1: I don't watch CSI, I watch Law and Order.
Cop #1 & #2: Yes!
Girl #2: Can you get us tickets?
Cop #1: Yeah, if you give us $100 each.
Girl #2: How long have you been cops?
Cop #2: 2 years.
Girl #1: Damn, the police on SVU are way more experienced. That show's been running, like, 9 years.
Cop #1: Yes, but the cops on SVU are detectives.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Emma Marie
If Your Finances Are in the Black
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
Try to Punch a Hole Through the World Trade Center Now, Terrorists!
Homeland security cop #1: Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!
He leans over and pretends to vomit in the gutter. Homeland security cop #2 laughs.
Homeland security cop #1, laughing: That was great! Punch me again!
--Federal Plaza, Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Well, Ralph Was Able to Punch Alice to There
Cop: I won't issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly... What's closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I'll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm... the moon!
--Brownsville, Brooklyn
Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances
To Protect and... and.... Damn!
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Start Smashing Judy Garland Records
Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "Chickens have pride, too." - Gobbling Cock
· "Give It The Old College Try" - Paul K.
· "Maybe a Richard Gere costume" - Corydon
· "Now, Dance! And When We Stop Laughing, You May Cross." - Andy Adelewitz
· "That, o