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It Leered at Me and Gave Me the Finger
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
--4 train
You Mean Like Bacon?
Boyfriend: So, my buddy's celebrating Rosh Hashanah tomorrow, and he said he'll bring me some matzah ball soup.
Girlfriend: He's celebrating what? And giving you what?
Boyfriend: Some Jewish holiday. Some Jewish food.
Girlfriend: Ah.
--2 train
Overheard by:
Fuck Yoga
Middle-aged man: Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Middle-aged woman: Well, it hurt.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: turbobread
In New Yorkese, That's "I Laugh at Anything Under 20K"
Valley girl: Ewww, what is that?
Boyfriend: That's a cab.
Valley girl: I want it.
Boyfriend: You want it?
Valley girl: I want to buy it!
Boyfriend, to cabbie: How much is it?
Cabbie: Get bent.
--Broadway
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's a Good Thing You Have a Trust Fund
Girlfriend: Why are you banging your head on the pole?
Boyfriend: I'm making my head stronger.
Girlfriend: You don't make it stronger that way, you just hurt yourself.
Boyfriend: It does both.
--Crowded E train
Overheard by: Laurie
I Still Have the Leash, If You'd Like to See It
Man, on a date with Woman, pointing at a statue of a man with a falcon: I used to do that when I was a kid. Falconry.
Woman: Ummm...
--Central Park
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
A Little-Known Clause in the AA Handbook
Boyfriend in sing-song voice: You drank like a fi-ish!
Girlfriend: So what? So did you.
Boyfriend: Well, I was coming off the summer of fuck, so it was alright.
--West Village
Wow, Med School Is Really Paying Off
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: I hope there's someone sitting in my seat.
Girlfriend with insane tattoos and piercings: Why?
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: So I can crush his larynx!
--JFK
Overheard by: wrong row, wrong time
Because No Spain Is an Island Entire of Itself?
Girlfriend: Spain is an island! With Portugal!
Boyfriend: Look, why do you wanna talk about this?
--Fort Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jcm
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
I'd Even Be Comfortable with Your Discomfort
Tall blonde: I just don't think I'd be comfortable on a nude beach.
Boyfriend: I would be.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Michelle
Unfortunately, Those 10 Years Were the '80s
Woman: What's the average shelf life for a crackhead?
Man: She's doing a lot, I mean...
Woman: But how long can she go?
Man: Crackheads? I'd give' em a good 10 years.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jones
Well, He's Not in a Coma!
Girl: Yeah...but I have my period, so we can't have sex.
Guy: That doesn't matter. See? It just shows that I love you.
Girl: What it shows is that you want head.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: Brock
When Bad Writing Comes to Life
Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.
--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
I Watched Him Take Holyfield in '87
Man, about inflatable rat across street: Look! They got that giant rat outside them. Nobody wants that rat.
Woman: Shit. That rat will fuck you up.
--47th & 6th
I See You As More of an Anarcho-Syndicalist
20-ish guy: What do I want for lunch?
20-ish chick: I don't know... Would you call me a socialist?
20-ish guy: No, not to your face.
--2 train
Overheard by: sarah
I'd Love to Be Able to Touch a Boob at Some Point in My Life
Girlfriend: Check it out. It's an ancient sea cow.
Boyfriend: Whoa. If it's a cow, can you milk it?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Ms. Hazard
When I'm More of a Fat Cow
Chick: You just don't get me sometimes!
Guy: Like how?
Chick: I don't like it when you call me a fat pig!
--1 train
Overheard by: Csmith
We Really Want an Amendment to Protect This?
Wife: Well, we need to hurry. They're waiting downstairs.
Husband: Well, I was ready to go ages ago. I'm hot, tired, and my rash is spreading.
--Macy's
Overheard by: Becca
One Grade Below F
Ghetto boyfriend: You better shut the fuck up unless you want to get your ass whipped in front of all these White people!
Ghetto girlfriend goes to the next car.
Ghetto boyfriend: But I'm still a G!
--F train
I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours
Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Headline by: Tosser
Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Or Wishes to Appear to Be
Lady: That woman I was talking to is in two book groups.
Disinterested husband: What does that mean?
Lady: Well, she's literate.
--Vivian Beaumont Theatre, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Seth
I'm Not Familiar with That Fisting Euphemism
Girlfriend: So let me get this straight, you think that God used the tiger to punish Roy?
Boyfriend: I think it's possible.
Girlfriend: I can't believe I'm dating you. What's wrong with you, you have gay friends.
Boyfriend: Whoa, do you think I'm some sort of right-wing nut? I have no problem with gays. God punished him for dabbling in the black arts.
Girlfriend: Oh...huh?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Peter Lucas
I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It
Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.
--149th & 3rd, Bronx
Headline by: Mariya
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"No," Zuul replied.
Girl: We were in the middle of having sex, and I was screaming, like, "Oh god, oh god." He looked down at me and replied, "There is no God. I am your God."
Guy: Uh huh.
Girl: It sucks because since then I haven't been able to sleep with atheists. You're not an atheist, are you?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Sabrina
You're Sure This Is a Good Anniversary Present for My Wife?
Metrosexual: Do you think she's a Volvic kind of girl or more of a Poland Spring or Crystal Geyser?
Girlfriend: Ummm, I see her as a Volvic... Maybe not.
Metrosexual: I think I'll go with Poland Spring. I hope she likes it.
Girlfriend: I hope you're right.
--Deli, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Maybe she likes the Hudson...
So He Dressed Up Like a Middle-Aged Lesbian?
Middle-aged man: Clint Eastwood dressed up like a woman?
Middle-aged woman: Well, he wore a poncho...
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mupa-san
A Mini, No Doubt
Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I'll buy you an iPod.
--Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Calliope
Tip of the Day: A Virus is Not Bacteria
Hipster girl: Baby what's that smell? Is that your feet?
Hipster boy: What? I don't know, probably.
Hipster girl: Oh my god. The smell, I can't take it.
Hipster boy: It doesn't smell as bad as the old cooter did the other night when we were screwing. You didn't hear me say anything when you shoved my face into that crockpot of bacteria.
--F train
Overheard by: Gracelyn
At Least I Still Have the Rats to Flush for Me
Girlfriend: There's too many roaches in the apartment!
Boyfriend: Look, no matter where you go in New York there's going to be a lot of roaches.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I'm from the goddamn city! I don't want roaches crawling on me when I'm pooping!
--Maujer St, Brooklyn
Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing
Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.
--Subway to Archer Ave
Overheard by: Just a girl
"I See Dyed People"
Wifey: There was another one! A dark-headed one with blonde hair!
Suit hubby: Wait... What?
--F train
Overheard by: Happy I'm not the Skunk Person
Yasser Takes Way Too Long in Front of the Monets
Husband: We'll go to the museum around four.
Wife: I don't know...
Husband: Come on, Marge. You love everyone at the museum. Except Yasser Arafat.
--Hampton Inn
Overheard by: Leah
Overheard at The Gates II
Informed yuppie: ...yeah, no city money was wasted, it was all self financed.
--The Gates
Grandpa: You're not listening to me!
Grandma: Well, if I listened to you what would you ever have to yell about?
--The Gates
Overheard by: Martha Gelnaw
Little boy: Where are the rides? Mommy, I want to go on the rides!
--The Gates
She Should Not Have Asked to Watch
Boyfriend: Oooh, you look pretty in that dress.
Girlfriend: You're revolting. Don't touch me.
Queer buddy: Jeremy, this is your stop. Penn Station. Get out.
Boyfriend: No it isn't. This is 96th Street.
Girlfriend: Do you have any idea how much I hate you? Stop touching me.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: Shane
Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.
Wife: I hope it's from the ass, because that's where I just raped you.
Husband: God, I love you.
--Central Park
He Kept Uploading from His Floppy
Guy: I really don't watch that much porn.
Chick: I woke up in the middle of the night that one time, and you were totally sitting in your desk chair watching porn!
Guy: I was just switching files between hard drives and I wanted to make sure the porn file still worked.
--D'Agostino, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
You Stick to Strip Poker, Mr. Hobo
Girl: What the fuck are you doing?
Guy: It was the train.
Girl: No, it fucking wasn't.
Guy: I thought it would be fun.
Girl: You know what would be fun? Me kicking you in the balls.
Guy: That wouldn't be fun.
Hobo: That would be a shitload of fun! Can I play?
--A train
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
There is, But It Involves Being Chained in a Dark Cave
Boyfriend: Baby, that was amazing last night.
Girlfriend: I know...
Boyfriend: Really. that was the best head you ever gave me. Easily in the top five.
Girlfriend: Top five ever? Or just from me?
Boyfriend: Um...
Girlfriend: Who was better than me?
Boyfriend: That's a ridiculous question. There's no Platonic ideal of blowjobs.
--2nd Ave. & 5th St.
Overheard by: Franklin
Okay, Now You Can Go
Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn't mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.
--Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan m
An English Muffin?
Big guy: Yo, it's like I was stuck between a rock and butter.
Little girlfriend: I think you mean you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Big guy: No, who would want to be stuck next to a huge pile of butter?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Allison
I'm Creaming of a Pearly White Christmas
Girl: Jack, it's snowing!
Guy: That explains why I'm hard...Sorry...Kiss me.
Girl: I hope it breaks off.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: timothy leary
She Only Cheated on You with Two Contractors
Wife: l'll just be two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me.
Wife: Two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me
Wife: Three minutes.
Husband: Yeah, that's what I thought.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Don Willmott
And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire...
Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin'?! I smoke Newports! You can't get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin' me some money? It's for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady's boyfriend: Wow, there's evil! So much evil comin' from this one. You're good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It's the feel of the crack of yo' asshole burnin'! [Homeless guy runs away.]
--Bleecker, near Sullivan
Headline by: pheeze
Runners-Up:
· "Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum" - Angus McIntyre
· "Jesus Is My Roid Cream" - en_ki
· "That Port Hasn't Been New In Years" - dan
· "The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons" - Jon Trudel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
They Sleep with Me
Girlfriend: I don't wanna talk to you.
Boyfriend, chasing after her: How many times must I tell you?! I don't sleep with guys!!!
--36th & 10th