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It Leered at Me and Gave Me the Finger
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
--4 train
You Mean Like Bacon?
Boyfriend: So, my buddy's celebrating Rosh Hashanah tomorrow, and he said he'll bring me some matzah ball soup.
Girlfriend: He's celebrating what? And giving you what?
Boyfriend: Some Jewish holiday. Some Jewish food.
Girlfriend: Ah.
--2 train
Overheard by:
Fuck Yoga
Middle-aged man: Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Middle-aged woman: Well, it hurt.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: turbobread
In New Yorkese, That's "I Laugh at Anything Under 20K"
Valley girl: Ewww, what is that?
Boyfriend: That's a cab.
Valley girl: I want it.
Boyfriend: You want it?
Valley girl: I want to buy it!
Boyfriend, to cabbie: How much is it?
Cabbie: Get bent.
--Broadway
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's a Good Thing You Have a Trust Fund
Girlfriend: Why are you banging your head on the pole?
Boyfriend: I'm making my head stronger.
Girlfriend: You don't make it stronger that way, you just hurt yourself.
Boyfriend: It does both.
--Crowded E train
Overheard by: Laurie
I Still Have the Leash, If You'd Like to See It
Man, on a date with Woman, pointing at a statue of a man with a falcon: I used to do that when I was a kid. Falconry.
Woman: Ummm...
--Central Park
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
A Little-Known Clause in the AA Handbook
Boyfriend in sing-song voice: You drank like a fi-ish!
Girlfriend: So what? So did you.
Boyfriend: Well, I was coming off the summer of fuck, so it was alright.
--West Village
Wow, Med School Is Really Paying Off
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: I hope there's someone sitting in my seat.
Girlfriend with insane tattoos and piercings: Why?
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: So I can crush his larynx!
--JFK
Overheard by: wrong row, wrong time
Because No Spain Is an Island Entire of Itself?
Girlfriend: Spain is an island! With Portugal!
Boyfriend: Look, why do you wanna talk about this?
--Fort Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jcm
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
I'd Even Be Comfortable with Your Discomfort
Tall blonde: I just don't think I'd be comfortable on a nude beach.
Boyfriend: I would be.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Michelle
Unfortunately, Those 10 Years Were the '80s
Woman: What's the average shelf life for a crackhead?
Man: She's doing a lot, I mean...
Woman: But how long can she go?
Man: Crackheads? I'd give' em a good 10 years.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jones
Well, He's Not in a Coma!
Girl: Yeah...but I have my period, so we can't have sex.
Guy: That doesn't matter. See? It just shows that I love you.
Girl: What it shows is that you want head.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: Brock
When Bad Writing Comes to Life
Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.
--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
I Watched Him Take Holyfield in '87
Man, about inflatable rat across street: Look! They got that giant rat outside them. Nobody wants that rat.
Woman: Shit. That rat will fuck you up.
--47th & 6th
I See You As More of an Anarcho-Syndicalist
20-ish guy: What do I want for lunch?
20-ish chick: I don't know... Would you call me a socialist?
20-ish guy: No, not to your face.
--2 train
Overheard by: sarah
I'd Love to Be Able to Touch a Boob at Some Point in My Life
Girlfriend: Check it out. It's an ancient sea cow.
Boyfriend: Whoa. If it's a cow, can you milk it?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Ms. Hazard
When I'm More of a Fat Cow
Chick: You just don't get me sometimes!
Guy: Like how?
Chick: I don't like it when you call me a fat pig!
--1 train
Overheard by: Csmith
We Really Want an Amendment to Protect This?
Wife: Well, we need to hurry. They're waiting downstairs.
Husband: Well, I was ready to go ages ago. I'm hot, tired, and my rash is spreading.
--Macy's
Overheard by: Becca
One Grade Below F
Ghetto boyfriend: You better shut the fuck up unless you want to get your ass whipped in front of all these White people!
Ghetto girlfriend goes to the next car.
Ghetto boyfriend: But I'm still a G!
--F train
I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours
Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Headline by: Tosser
Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Or Wishes to Appear to Be
Lady: That woman I was talking to is in two book groups.
Disinterested husband: What does that mean?
Lady: Well, she's literate.
--Vivian Beaumont Theatre, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Seth
I'm Not Familiar with That Fisting Euphemism
Girlfriend: So let me get this straight, you think that God used the tiger to punish Roy?
Boyfriend: I think it's possible.
Girlfriend: I can't believe I'm dating you. What's wrong with you, you have gay friends.
Boyfriend: Whoa, do you think I'm some sort of right-wing nut? I have no problem with gays. God punished him for dabbling in the black arts.
Girlfriend: Oh...huh?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Peter Lucas
I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It
Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.
--149th & 3rd, Bronx
Headline by: Mariya
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"No," Zuul replied.
Girl: We were in the middle of having sex, and I was screaming, like, "Oh god, oh god." He looked down at me and replied, "There is no God. I am your God."
Guy: Uh huh.
Girl: It sucks because since then I haven't been able to sleep with atheists. You're not an atheist, are you?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Sabrina
You're Sure This Is a Good Anniversary Present for My Wife?
Metrosexual: Do you think she's a Volvic kind of girl or more of a Poland Spring or Crystal Geyser?
Girlfriend: Ummm, I see her as a Volvic... Maybe not.
Metrosexual: I think I'll go with Poland Spring. I hope she likes it.
Girlfriend: I hope you're right.
--Deli, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Maybe she likes the Hudson...
So He Dressed Up Like a Middle-Aged Lesbian?
Middle-aged man: Clint Eastwood dressed up like a woman?
Middle-aged woman: Well, he wore a poncho...
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mupa-san
A Mini, No Doubt
Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I'll buy you an iPod.
--Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Calliope
Tip of the Day: A Virus is Not Bacteria
Hipster girl: Baby what's that smell? Is that your feet?
Hipster boy: What? I don't know, probably.
Hipster girl: Oh my god. The smell, I can't take it.
Hipster boy: It doesn't smell as bad as the old cooter did the other night when we were screwing. You didn't hear me say anything when you shoved my face into that crockpot of bacteria.
--F train
Overheard by: Gracelyn
At Least I Still Have the Rats to Flush for Me
Girlfriend: There's too many roaches in the apartment!
Boyfriend: Look, no matter where you go in New York there's going to be a lot of roaches.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I'm from the goddamn city! I don't want roaches crawling on me when I'm pooping!
--Maujer St, Brooklyn
Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing
Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.
--Subway to Archer Ave
Overheard by: Just a girl
"I See Dyed People"
Wifey: There was another one! A dark-headed one with blonde hair!
Suit hubby: Wait... What?
--F train
Overheard by: Happy I'm not the Skunk Person
Yasser Takes Way Too Long in Front of the Monets
Husband: We'll go to the museum around four.
Wife: I don't know...
Husband: Come on, Marge. You love everyone at the museum. Except Yasser Arafat.
--Hampton Inn
Overheard by: Leah
Overheard at The Gates II
Informed yuppie: ...yeah, no city money was wasted, it was all self financed.
--The Gates
Grandpa: You're not listening to me!
Grandma: Well, if I listened to you what would you ever have to yell about?
--The Gates
Overheard by: Martha Gelnaw
Little boy: Where are the rides? Mommy, I want to go on the rides!
--The Gates
She Should Not Have Asked to Watch
Boyfriend: Oooh, you look pretty in that dress.
Girlfriend: You're revolting. Don't touch me.
Queer buddy: Jeremy, this is your stop. Penn Station. Get out.
Boyfriend: No it isn't. This is 96th Street.
Girlfriend: Do you have any idea how much I hate you? Stop touching me.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: Shane
Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.
Wife: I hope it's from the ass, because that's where I just raped you.
Husband: God, I love you.
--Central Park
He Kept Uploading from His Floppy
Guy: I really don't watch that much porn.
Chick: I woke up in the middle of the night that one time, and you were totally sitting in your desk chair watching porn!
Guy: I was just switching files between hard drives and I wanted to make sure the porn file still worked.
--D'Agostino, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
You Stick to Strip Poker, Mr. Hobo
Girl: What the fuck are you doing?
Guy: It was the train.
Girl: No, it fucking wasn't.
Guy: I thought it would be fun.
Girl: You know what would be fun? Me kicking you in the balls.
Guy: That wouldn't be fun.
Hobo: That would be a shitload of fun! Can I play?
--A train
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
There is, But It Involves Being Chained in a Dark Cave
Boyfriend: Baby, that was amazing last night.
Girlfriend: I know...
Boyfriend: Really. that was the best head you ever gave me. Easily in the top five.
Girlfriend: Top five ever? Or just from me?
Boyfriend: Um...
Girlfriend: Who was better than me?
Boyfriend: That's a ridiculous question. There's no Platonic ideal of blowjobs.
--2nd Ave. & 5th St.
Overheard by: Franklin
Okay, Now You Can Go
Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn't mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.
--Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan m
An English Muffin?
Big guy: Yo, it's like I was stuck between a rock and butter.
Little girlfriend: I think you mean you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Big guy: No, who would want to be stuck next to a huge pile of butter?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Allison
I'm Creaming of a Pearly White Christmas
Girl: Jack, it's snowing!
Guy: That explains why I'm hard...Sorry...Kiss me.
Girl: I hope it breaks off.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: timothy leary
She Only Cheated on You with Two Contractors
Wife: l'll just be two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me.
Wife: Two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me
Wife: Three minutes.
Husband: Yeah, that's what I thought.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Don Willmott
And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire...
Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin'?! I smoke Newports! You can't get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin' me some money? It's for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady's boyfriend: Wow, there's evil! So much evil comin' from this one. You're good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It's the feel of the crack of yo' asshole burnin'! [Homeless guy runs away.]
--Bleecker, near Sullivan
Headline by: pheeze
Runners-Up:
· "Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum" - Angus McIntyre
· "Jesus Is My Roid Cream" - en_ki
· "That Port Hasn't Been New In Years" - dan
· "The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons" - Jon Trudel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
They Sleep with Me
Girlfriend: I don't wanna talk to you.
Boyfriend, chasing after her: How many times must I tell you?! I don't sleep with guys!!!
--36th & 10th
Hey, We're the Ones Who Invented It
Guy: But I should get extra consideration since you named [Melanie] and [Alexandra].
Preggers: I did not name them. What the hell are you talking about? We named them together.
Guy: No we didn't. You came up with names and I agreed with you. You named them. It's my turn.
Preggers: Leave it to the white man to rewrite history.
--1 train
What Do I Want, Again?
Old queer #1: Don't pull out your money here!
Old queer #2, putting wallet away: I'll do what I want!
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
Low Expectations: The Secret to Happiness
Tourist husband: Hey, look, a Starbucks.
Tourist Wife: Ooo...
--44th & 8th
He's Just Not That Into Your Calendar
Girl #1: So he told me that no matter what happens on June 31st, he will come to my house and we'll discuss our wedding.
Girl #2: I wish my boyfriend would be there for me.
Girl #1: It sounds nice, doesn't it? Except there is no 31st of June.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ting
Catholic schoolgirl: I am so mature! I'm gonna be 16 soon. That means I can drive.
Boyfriend: That's awesome.
Catholic schoolgirl: How many months is that in?
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Catholic schoolgirl: Let's see...June, July, August, September, November...December? No, that's not right...January, February, April, May...
--N train
Overheard by: Olga Kogan
That's How You Know You're Doing It Right, Guy
Girl: I can't stop thinking about having sex with you.
Guy: Uh, aren't you being a little loud about that?
--University & 8th
Overheard by: Lauren
I Thought It Went: Love, Marriage, Baby in Carriage
Guy: Bitch took everything...my watch, my ring, the ring she bought
me...she took the ring I bought her. She came and took everything.
Baby carriage lady: I told that bitch go ahead, take everything, she could have all that. 'cause you know what? I have your
husband.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: remyzero
Ummm, I'm the Pilot
Wife: Honey, she's the waitress.
Annoyed husband: She is not the waitress.
Wife: Yes, she is.
Annoyed husband: She's the stewardess.
--JetBlue, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
The Bedwetting She's Made Her Peace With
Woman: ...I am just trying to figure out why you thought it was okay for you to pack for a weekend at my parents' home, in a backpack.
Man: What's wrong with my backpack? You know I don't own an overnight bag.
Woman: How can your only alternative be a fucking backpack? You can't understand how that would be embarrassing for me? Jesus, Adrian, you're 37 years old and you're still traveling with a backpack?
--70th & 3rd
Overheard by: K. Bumsted
"The more you ignore me, the closer I get."
Man: I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that I've wanted to listen to Morrissey lately.
Woman: We can go back to my place and listen to Morrissey later.
Man: No one has sex to Morrissey.
--The Raven, Avenue A
Us Non-Retards Read What's Actually on the Lines
Chick: You talkin' to me like I'm retarded! I can read between the lines...I can read under the lines and above the lines! But you're talkin' like I have a mental condition!
Guy: Sorry, baby...
--5 train
Overheard by: Brian Vitunic
From the Forthcoming Strom Thurmond Bio-Pic
Husband, to wife: In all eyes I am above you. [God] says you must do everything I say without question. If you weren't pregnant, I wouldn't even feed you.
--D train
Overheard by: jason
I Can See Why Bill Had a Stroke
Wife: Bill can't fly because of the wheelchair. He can't get out of it.
Husband: Surely there are planes with wheelchair access. We should ask for him.
Wife: Please, like he never asked himself? He just can't fly, ever.
Husband: That's not true. What do you think Teddy Roosevelt did when he wanted to go somewhere? He was in a wheelchair and he was the President so he had lots of places to go. Of course there had to be planes with wheelchair areas.
Wife: Oh, I never thought of him. You're right. We should really tell Bill about that.
--JFK
This is Funny if You Like Vitreous Humor
Guy: I touched your eyeball, doesn't that mean I love you?
Girl: Touch it again!
Guy: No you freak!
--N/W Broadway station
This Just Went from Bad Taste to Mindblowingly Bad
A boyfriend and girlfriend are making out publicly. She stares at his crotch.
Girlfriend: I think I see a suspicious package...
Boyfriend: Ooh, do you wanna detonate it?
Girlfriend: Well damn, not on the train, babe!
--2 train
Because America Needs More Armed Retards
Hetard: What did you do that for?
Shetard: Because I love you.
Hetard: Why do you love me?
Shetard: If I have to answer that again this week, I will shoot myself.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Candi Deschamps
The Adolescent Female Hybrids Are Strangely Weepy
Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.
--7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: I really hope they're gardeners
Someone's Not Getting Laid Tonight
Girlfriend: It's just because she's so...unconventional.
Boyfriend: By "unconventional", do you mean "pretty"?
--86th & Park
Overheard by: CStix
They're Both Looking to Trade Up
Girlfriend: Wait, so they're engaged?
Boyfriend: They're engaged... in the Murray Hill sense.
--Duane Reade, 33rd & 3rd
Overheard by: mb
Don't Ask Her About the Pigeons
Lesbian #1: I love you.
Lesbian #2: Do you love me even when we're like Bert and Ernie?
Lesbian #1: Of course! Wait, who's Bert?
Lesbian #2: Me. I've been so uptight.
Lesbian #1: Great. So you're the tall, thin, uptight one and I'm the short, fat, stupid one.
--Union Square
But Then You Yell, "Ho, Yes! Ho, Yes!"
Guy: Why do you always have to be a ho?
Girl: I'm good at it.
Guy: Why can't you do other things you're good at? Head, yes. Ho, no.
--Lit Lounge, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: kepler
Get the One That Folds Into a Suitcase
Woman: He's not getting a new cell phone until the technology improves.
Man: Oh yeah, well I'm not commuting to work anymore until I get my flying car!
--Public Theater, Lafayette Street
Overheard by: Sean McArdle
She Shouldn't Have Gone to That Chocolate Factory
Girl: If I don't take a monster shit soon, I'm going to explode.
Guy: You should have a salad.
Girl: Salads don't make me shit. Coffee and cigarettes make me shit.
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Overheard by: Gorodish
There's the Reason Not to Be into Sex
Girl: It's not that I'm not attracted to you, it's just that I'm not as into sex as you are.
Guy: That's bullshit -- you're only 22 and you've fucked 24 people. You are definitely into sex.
Children from school bus directly next to the couple, all leaning out the window: Seeex!
--Irving & Eldert, Bushwick
Overheard by: alex
Oooh, and Asparagus
Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Paradox: If All Men Are Liars, Did he Cheat or Not?
Girl: Just tell me!
Guy: Well what do you think? Do you think I cheated on you, yes or no?
Girl: No!
Guy: Wrong.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Emma
Something's Not Kosher
Boyfriend: Fucking tourists!
Girlfriend: Seriously!
Boyfriend: Let's go to J&R.
Girlfriend: It's Saturday.
Boyfriend: Fucking Orthodox!
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Overheard by: Joe Baranello
For a Pre-Marital Look at a Pussy
Woman: Her parents are Republicans! They must be! I knew that I would eventually become a target of the Republican conspiracy.
Man: Why do you say that?
Woman: Don't you see? They're obviously trying to turn our son against us by taking him out of the country.
Man: If they're Republicans, why would they be bringing him to France?
--Cobble Hill
How Cheap Can You Get?
Woman: Oh! That's one of the books I want you to get for me.
Man: I'm not sure if they have it at the library.
--Barnes & Noble, West Village
Overheard by: Caren Lissner
I Don't Need to Take This from a Pregnant Stripper
Angry girl: What do you mean you didn't fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn't fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!
--Sandwich shop, Bleecker
Overheard by: Catie
Translation: Married 5 Years
Woman: Every time I try to explain it to you, you don't understand--
Man: I'm killing your dreams?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Sean Schuyler
Melinda Experiences Multi-Level Embarrassment
Guy: I have a confession to make.
Girl: Can't you make it to me after the movie?
Guy: I can't help it, but I took a picture of your butthole last night while you were dozing.
Girl: You what?!
Obese lady in front row: Would you queers shut the fuck up?! I'm trying to watch this shit!
--AMC Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Scott
When You're Here, You're Dysfunctional Family
Blonde looking in compact: I need a new nose.
Boyfriend: I need a new apartment.
Blonde, whiny: It's always your needs! What about mine?!
Boyfriend: You just spent five thousand dollars on your fucking tits with my money!
Server waiting to take order: I'll come back when you two are ready...
--Olive Garden, Chelsea
Although You Do Get Pretty Excited When I Just Lie There
Girlfriend: I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it's only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms...
--Grand Central
Someone's Getting the Teeth Tonight
Girl: ... And then I was like--
Guy, exhausted after 10 minutes of her chattering: --Are you on your knees?
Girl: What? No.
Guy: Then shut your mouth.
--A train
Overheard by: thinking the same
But Let's Not Talk about Eggs, Okay?
40-ish woman: I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but I feel like people are looking at us when we're together and wondering why I'm so much older...
20-ish guy: You shouldn't let it get to you. Look, you're not an egg salad sandwich -- you're not going to go bad after a certain date.
40-ish woman: That's a beautiful thing to say.
20-ish guy: Yes, I'm quite a catch! You should be enjoying it more and worrying less!
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl
That's Just Bullshit
Guy: I'm domestic.
Chick: You are so not domestic.
Guy: I'm a lazy domestic.
Chick: You leave bags of garbage on the floor of your room for days at a time!
Guy: Whatever. Domesticated cows shit inside.
--111th between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: djlindee
"The problem is, I loved the dog."
Wife: I don't know what you've got to be so sad about. Your boss loves you, the kids love you, I love you, the dog loves you!
--JFK airport bar
You Can Just Stop Angling for a Two-Guy Threesome
Chick: So, David*, do you long for the protective touch of a man?
Guy: I'm your boyfriend.
Chick: So? Sometimes I think you long for a strong man to hold you and shelter you...
Guy: Goddammit, I am not gay!
--6 train
...to Love, Honor and Obey...
Wife: Do whatever you want...it's not my mother who died!
--JFK
But Do You Think You Can Live on $0.50 a Day?
Man on sidewalk: You ain't nuttin' but a whore! I fed up payin' fo' yo' shit! You gonna go broke!
Woman four stories up: Sweetheart, I got a pussy! I ain't never gonna go broke!
--11th & 1st
Overheard by: muffin girl
But You Promised to Do My Taxes!
Chick: I can't believe you can talk about how much you love your country, and you don't even pay taxes!
Dude: I've paid more taxes than you've sucked dick. Which is a lot.
Chick, after long pause: I don't know why you're walking so fast -- nothing's happening when we get to your apartment.
--4th St & the Bowery
Let's Just Hope They Don't Write Their Own Vows
Girl: You're so strong and handsome!
Guy: You're so skinny and fuckable.
--East Village
God Sentenced Him to Eternity in the Dr. Phil House
Black guy: So, are we going to fuck tonight, or what?
White girl: I can't, I have my period.
Black guy: Your mouth isn't bleeding, is it?
White girl, giggling: Okay, fine.
--F train
Overheard by: Carrie
Gypsies and Germans? Sounds Familiar...
Girlfriend: Is that a caravan outside Deutsche Bank?
Boyfriend: Pikeys.
--Wall & William
Hold Her Close
Chick: That bartender has such huge tits. Are you sure you don't wish I had bigger tits?
Dude: Honey, you know I love you just the way you are.
Chick: You're just saying that because I blow you every single night.
Dude: Well, it doesn't hurt.
--Bar
Overheard by: Debra, The Barmaid Blog
I Believe You're Thinking of Your Marriage to Jennifer
Guy: So, when did you guys get married?
Husband: March.
Wife, at same time: May.
Husband: Uh-oh.
--6 train
Should We Even Stay for the Movie, Then?
Girl: This popcorn is soft. I hate soft popcorn.
Guy: I know, I hate soft-core, too. It's such a tease.
Girl: No, no. I was talking about the popcorn -- it's soft. But I agree: if there is no penetration, it's not worth my time.
--Ziegfeld Theater
Why You Should Not Model Your Life After TV Commercials
Man, yelling: I love this woman! I love this woman!
Woman: So where's the ring?
--51st & 7th
Overheard by: kt
No-Nookie Night in Tribeca
Tuxedo: Oh, you should have called us! We could have gotten you into Spago. We go there all the time! The guy there is, like, our best friend! Honey, what's the name of that guy at Spago?
Trophy wife: We've never been to Spago. You went there with Jennifer.
--Greenwich & N Moore
Overheard by: annulla
Who's Determined Never to Go Back to Jail
Donation guy: You love animals, don't you? [Shoves binder in woman's face.]
Tough guy, to girlfriend: I'll knock him out if he comes at me like that.
Donation guy: You love animals, don't you? [Shoves binder in tough guy's face.]
Tough guy: No, thank you, sir.
Girlfriend: You didn't knock him out.
Tough guy: Yeah, I'm a pussy.
--14th & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: I Would Have Punched Him
Every Lifetime Movie, in a Nutshell
Girl: Get the fuck outta here! I'll fucking kill you!
Guy: So, I was thinking about...
Girl: I just threatened your life and you have nothing to say?!
Guy, shrugging: I love you.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: LiveNY
Fine, Fine. But Don't Forget to Pick Up the Check
Girl on first date: Are you texting someone?
Guy on first date: No, I'm just playing Tetris.
Girl on first date: Okay... You know what? I gotta go, it's getting late.
--Sushi bar
Honesty Cures It
Drunk goth chick to couple making out: Public displays of affection cause cancer!
Man, taking a break: Really?
Drunk goth chick: No. Just jealousy.
--9th & 3rd
... So I Maced Him.
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it's my fault 'cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, 'Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?'
College girl, excitedly: That's exactly what my dad said!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Congratulations! You've Just Become Obsolete.
Chick: Are you coming right home after work? I need sex so badly.
Guy: Yeah, I can tell... Why don't you use your Valentine's Day gift?
Chick: The Rabbit? It's not the same.
Guy: Why isn't it the same?
Chick: Well, it doesn't talk.
Guy: Wait -- so if it talked, you wouldn't need me at all? Is that what you're saying?
Chick: Um... No?
--Carnegie John's, 56th & 7th
Overheard by: cheech
Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples
Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.
--Iggy's on Rivington
As with Organized Religions, All Are Equally Unpalatable
Passionate man: You have to be able to voice your own opinion! Stand up for yourself! You're the CFO of a four billion dollar company -- you have to be able to make these kinds of decisions!
Lady with him, totally baffled: I was just so overwhelmed -- I've never seen so many different kinds of rice pudding...!
--Outside Rice to Riches, Spring St
Overheard by: leah
Because You Love Me, Right? Honey?
Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?
Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.
Girl: Oh.
--Central Park
Overheard by: dead letter b
Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness
Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
... Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Guy: I'm exhausted as fuck.
Chick: Good for you.
Guy: Shut up, you twunt.
Chick: Did you just try to combine 'twat' and 'cunt'?
Guy: Some of my friends created it.
Chick: No wonder it's retarded. It completely takes away from both insults, which are perfectly functional and to the point by themselves.
Guy: You're such a little bitch.
--181st & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: LSB
See Dick Run. Run, Dick, Run.
Girl: So, are you still getting me pregnant this weekend?
Confused boyfriend: ... What?
Girl: Oh. Did I not tell you about that?
--TKTS booth, Times Square
Overheard by: Kevin
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "Did You Not Get the Memo Stapled to the Condom?" - Ashez
· "He shoots, She whores!" - Qasar
· "I Want To Have Your Abortion" - travis
· "The Girl's Guide to Getting Your Boyfriend to Listen: Part 1" - Heather S
· "Yeah, I'm Obligating." - kerm
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Need More Gay Friends
Girlfriend, brandishing perfume: What do you think of this?
Boyfriend: Between 'I don't know' and 'What the hell are you talking about,' I'd say a three.
--Sephora, Times Square
Too Bad We Can't Say the Same for You
Drunk boyfriend at party: Babe, get me some chicken on a stick.
Annoyed girlfriend: Get it yourself.
Drunk boyfriend: But I might make a mess and embarrass you...
Annoyed girlfriend: I don't care anymore.
Girl passerby, handing him chicken on a stick: Here, have some chicken!
Annoyed girlfriend: Maybe you should date her.
Male passerby: Yeah, she seems like a keeper.
--Gibson Studios, W 54th, between 9th & 10th
That Makes Their Interest Rates Quite Reasonable
Girl: Look at the line at FAO Schwartz.
Guy: No honey, it's FAO Schwarz. Schwarz. It's like Schwartz, but without the Jew.
--58th & 5th
Overheard by: Jonas
Good Thing She Doesn't Work at the Post Office
Girlfriend: Was that cocaine on your toilet seat this morning?
Boyfriend: No, that was Gold Bond.
Girlfriend: Oh... Because I put some on my teeth just to check.
--42nd St & West Side Hwy
... Without the Ball-Gag.
Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dizzle
Two If We Get Arrested Again
Woman: Do you wanna go into those bushes and do it?
Man: Nah, we always fuck in Central Park. Let's go to Washington Square.
Woman: Fine, but you have to buy me a funnel cake later.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jimmy Dailey
He Knows
Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he's cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You're kidding, right? You're so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we're fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn't work.
--W train
Overheard by: green with envy
Maybe If You'd Stop Comparing My Penis to Fermented Vegetables...
Blonde: What? I can't say 'I want to fuck my Korean boyfriend' out loud in here?
Embarrassed Asian guy: Please not here. Keep your voice down. We'll talk about it when we get home.
Blonde: What's a girl gotta do to get some kimchi around here? I'm dying. You've got to give up the goods more.
--Duane Reade
Geez, Let's Get You Drunk, Then
Girl: I want to fuck you when I'm drunk.
Guy: I just want to fuck you.
Girl: I just want you to be taller.
--Astoria Beer Garden
Dr. Frankenstein Promised Me Free Upgrades
Girl maker-outer, pulling away: Why you so ugly?
Guy maker-outer: Don't you worry 'bout that, baby. [They continue making out.]
--F train
Overheard by: steph
Not Even if I Tied you to a Chair, Sawed Off Your Legs, and Twirled Them Like Batons?
Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.
--Central Park
Dare We Ask about the "New Anal"?
Girl wielding pen: Sometimes I want to write on your face.
Guy: That's okay. Sometimes I want to cum on your face.
Girl: Yeah, I know you do. I saw your porn collection.
Guy: So sue me. But look, I'm not talking about covering your face in jizz. Just a little on the side.
Girl: A little on the side?
Guy: Like on your cheek or the corner of your mouth.
Girl: I don't think so.
Guy: You should. It's only polite. Especially if you like me. It's like the new swallowing.
--Fish Bar, East Village
Overheard by: John-John
Can't Be Too Careful after That Whole "Original Sin" Thing
Girl on first date: I love animals.
Guy on first date: I love animals, too, but I see a snake and I'll shoot it in the face.
--Union Square
We'll Have to Take the MUH-TAA to Get There
Lady: Hey, I have to get going to that puh-taa meeting tonight.
Husband: That what meeting?!
Lady: Puh-taa. For the school...
Husband: ... You mean the P.T.A. meeting?
Lady: You know that's what I meant!
--W 5th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Patricia
When Everything's Permitted, Everything's Boring
Man: Okay, so here's what we're going to do: we're going to drive to Kim's downtown. I'm going to pull up outside and give you 20 dollars, and you're going to go in there and pick out whatever Nazi porn movie your little heart desires.
Chick with Hebrew tattoo: Any one I want? Even SS Experiment Love Camp, or is that one too gruesome?
Man: You pick. Any one you want. Anything my sexy girl wants.
Chick with Hebrew tattoo: Awesome! Thank you!
--112th & Broadway
I Told You I Have a Protein Deficiency, Okay?
Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.
Boyfriend: That's 'cause you're a whore.
Girlfriend: ... I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad 'cause you suck too much cock.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! You're such an asshole!
Boyfriend: I love you, baby.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: sweetpea
Why J.Lo and Affleck Broke Up
Teen boy: You need to stop eating Chinese food.
Teen girl: Why?
Teen boy: Because then your ass is gonna get bigger, and then I'm gonna have to rape you.
Teen girl: Why you gotta say it like that? Why can't you just say 'blow my back out' or something? You rape me, then you'll go to jail.
Teen boy: So?
Teen girl: Then you're gonna get raped!
--Chinese restaurant, Coney Island
Now He's Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
--Magazine shop, Gramercy
Shut Up and Bail
Girl: Oh my god, it's coming out of me!
Guy: What, your blood, or my cum?
--81st & Columbus
Wow. Free Sperm. Thanks, Ted.
Dude: I fuckin' love you.
Chick: I love you, too.
Dude: I will always love and respek you.
Chick: [Coos.]
Dude: You were born into this life to be a woman, to be a wife, and to be a motha.
Chick: [Bats eyes.]
Dude: And I am going to make you a motha.
--M60 bus, 116th St
Unfortunately, You Can Struggle Against Your Own Nature Only During the Early Stages of Courtship
Boyfriend: Don't be mad.
Girlfriend: Don't be gay.
--Union Square Park
Like Tell It about My Wife and Kids
Boyfriend, looking at body pillow: Aw, man! I should totally get this!
Girlfriend: Why would you get that? We're moving in together in like a year. We'll be sharing a bed with each other.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but I can do things to this pillow that I can't do to you!
--Target, Queens Center Mall
I Have to Admire Your Invincible Ignorance
Boyfriend: Yeah, we gotta get some oil.
Girlfriend: No, not oil, K-Y.
Boyfriend: Oil, K-Y -- it's the same thing.
Girlfriend: No, K-Y is a gel. It's water-based. Oil is not.
Boyfriend: Water and oil are, like, the same thing.
--F train
Overheard by: 2WongFu
You Have High Denture Standards
Girlfriend: She fell off her bike and broke all her teeth, so now she has fake ones.
Boyfriend: Well, couldn't she get white ones? I mean, were they not giving out human teeth that day?
Girlfriend, getting up and hugging him: That's why I love you.
--Cafe Gitane, Mott & Prince
Overheard by: tea sipper
I Am So Telling Her about the Lipstick
Man: I love your mom.
Woman: What?! No you don't!
Man: I always speak well of her.
Woman: No, you don't.
Man: I don't say, 'I gave your mom 20 bucks for a cab home last night.' I don't say, 'Tell your mom to stop changing her lipstick -- my dick looks like a rainbow.' I don't say, 'After meeting your mom, all my friends have herpes.' In fact, I don't say anything rude at all.
Woman, cell ringing: It's mom calling.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dave
... Surrounded by Kids with Heart Disease
Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!
--Macy's Parade, Columbus Circle
All 254 Centimeters of Me?
Girl: Boys never use the stalls, do they?
Boyfriend: I do. I don't want anyone to see my 10-inch penis.
Girl: 10 centimeters.
Boyfriend: Aren't inches bigger than centimeters? I think so. 10 inches.
Girl: You're sleeping on the couch tonight.
--Roseland Ballroom
I Asked You to Puke on My Face
Girlfriend: Get up!
Boyfriend, lying flat on back with vomit on shirt: You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had.
--2nd Ave, between 10th & 11th St
Overheard by: Aaay
... But Would It Kill You?
Boyfriend, about punk girl passersby: Man, whatever happened to fake titties and a tan?
Girlfriend, possessing neither: Hey!
Boyfriend: Oh, sorry.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: bemused eavesdropper
And Then You'll Get Depressed and Starve Yourself and Be Skinnier Than Before, Stupid
Boyfriend is trying to force-feed chocolate to his girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Stop, I don't want it. It will make me fat, and you won't want me.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but no one else will either.
--A train
These Days, My Intelligence Is Globally Distributed
Guy: I liked it. What'd you think?
Date: It was okay, I guess. I don't know about the ending, though.
Guy: Well, I'm pretty sure it has some deeper meaning. I'll have to check some message boards and find out.
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
A Legal Conundrum
Drunk boyfriend: Yo! Stop hittin' me! What's your problem?!
Drunk girlfriend: Shut up, haha. I'll slap you if I want to.
Drunk boyfriend: Stop! Or I'm gonna rape you.
Drunk girlfriend: Ohhh, I dare you...
--A train
You Never Like to Hear about Where the Money Comes From
Hobo: What you got?! What you got!? What you got?!
White frat boyfriend: I got hos, yo!
White sorority girlfriend: Hey!
White frat boyfriend: I'm not talking about you. I just mean in general.
--33rd & 7th
Pop Quiz: To Which of These Women Is This Conversation Most Insulting?
Girlfriend: Come on, I really wanna see that movie about Jane Austen.
Boyfriend: She was the one that lived with the chimpanzees, right?
Girlfriend: No, that was Jane Seymour.
--38th & Lex
What If We Both Listen for a While?
Dude: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Chick: It's okay -- I like to hear you talk.
Dude: Well, I like to hear you listen.
--9th & 2nd
Maybe They're Born With It?
Girl: You need more to do. Want to look for a cool coffee table for me?
Guy: What kind? Wood, metal, glass, bamboo, brick?
Girl: I'm not sure. I thought round, wood at first but now I think maybe something more funky like mosaic.
Guy: Why not make one? Then it could be round wood with a mosaic on it.
Girl: But that requires effort on my part.
Guy: So what? It would be fun and worthwhile, you know, instead of putting makeup on HIV people.
--49th & 6th
Overheard by: Scott
You're Not the Only Store in Town
Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!
--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt
Overheard by: Liza
Black Magic Is My Anti-Drug
Guy: What did you do all day?
Girl: Just drinking chicken blood and performing other secret rituals.
Guy: Nice. [They make out on street corner.]
--Houston & Ave C
Thanks. My Feet Feel Better Now.
20-ish female tourist: My feet are killing me. I shouldn't have worn heels.
20-ish boyfriend: Heels aren't that bad. I wore them and a dress for a play in eighth grade.
20-ish female tourist: My dad loves dressing up as a woman.
--C train, Port Authority
Everyone Knows Madame Curie's That Trannie Who Paints Nails at the Beauty Bar
Hipster dude: ... And she ended up renting some movie about Madame Curie.
Hipster chick: That's the wax lady, right? Over at Times Square? I didn't know there was a movie about her.
Hipster dude: I hate you.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Red Genesis
To Say That This Would Hold Up in Court Would Be the Understatement of the Century
Wife: But, sweetheart, that sort of makes you a terrorist.
Husband: Look, just because I like to blow things up doesn't make me a terrorist. I'm white!
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: Adam
That's Your Solution to Everything
Husband: What do you want to do?
Wife: I want to get a massage.
Husband: You want a Chinese massage? I'll put on stilletos and walk on your back.
--12th & 4th
Overheard by: lbp
Your Grandfather Had a Boyfriend? That's So Cool!
Boyfriend: Have you ever heard of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas?
Girlfriend: No, wait... Isn't that your grandfather?
Boyfriend: No... My grandfather's boyfriend was a kleptomaniac. Every Christmas my grandfather would have to rip all the tags off of everything so that no one would know that his boyfriend stole all the gifts.
--6 train
Will She or Won't She?
Drunk boyfriend: Come over here!
JAP girlfriend: Ask nicely!
Drunk boyfriend: Please, bitch, come over here!
--50th & 3rd
Overheard by: REGGIE FACE
Have You Been Trying on Wigs Again?
Woman, while hugging man: What is this?
Man: Huh?
Woman, picking hair off his shirt: This is not my hair!
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Geneedwin
And Today It's Me
Man in full clown uniform: Come on, sweetie.
Lady friend in nice skirt, blouse, and heels: God, this is so awkward.
Man in full clown uniform: Look, I have to work hard so that at least one of us looks good.
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: tickled passerbyer
I Locked the Gryffindor and Hung by My Tits from the Ravenclaws While Slytherin' My Hufflepuff
Boyfriend: So you went home, drank two Smirnoff Ices, watched Harry Potter one and a half times, and masturbated twice?
Girlfriend: Yep.
--City Hall Park
Headline by: Lord Pervdevert
Runners-Up:
· "Nice." - ImmaculatePizza
· "And That's Why You Couldn't Meet My Parents?" - Gerard
· "Best 13th Birthday Ever" - downtown
· "Just Another Night for JK Rowling" - Suzy
· "Rookie" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Underage or Underloved?" - em
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Always Screaming When Bert Comes Inside Him
Man: Bert was a lot quieter than Ernie.
Woman: This train is a lot quieter than Ernie.
Man: Nine-eleven was a lot quieter than Ernie.
--1 train
Overheard by: DL
I'd Rather Date Her
Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you'd be the biggest skank in New York.
--Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th
Headline by: Scott
Runners-Up:
· "And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal." - LORI
· "But at least it flatters my man-boobs" - Andrew
· "I learned from the best" - Breanne S.
· "Putting the "Ho" back in "Homeboy"" - cinekat
· "What She Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her" - Alison R.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Think How Many You Just Wasted on Rent
Frat boyfriend: Wait, 525,600 what? What was that about?
Girlfriend: Minutes, baby. It's, like, how many minutes we have in our lives.
Frat boyfriend: Oh. [Two blocks later] Wait, 525,600 what? Minutes?
Girlfriend: Yes. Minutes.
--Nederlander Theatre, 41st & 7th
She's Imagining a Future Without Him
College-Aged guy: "Imagine"?? I don't get it. What am I supposed to imagine?
Girlfriend: Shhh, let's go!
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: beatle
...That I Suffer from Test Anxiety
Girlfriend: Great! My boyfriend doesn't even know my last name.
Boyfriend: No, I do! It's just...
--Lorimer & Metropolitan
A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko
Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
--W4 station
Overheard by: Ting
But You Have to Ride the Maitre d' to Get us Menus Later
Older wife: How did you get these seats?
Older husband: I had to pinch her titties.
Older wife: That must have been fun.
Older husband: As a matter of fact, it was.
--Row D, Lyceum Theatre, 45th & Broadway
I'm Not Making Any Promises I Can't Keep
Dude: Can you stick out your freakishly long tongue again?
Chick: Only if you promise not to put a macaroon on it.
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: it really was freakishly long
It's Funny, Though -- She Never Calls
Bimbette: Yeah, me and Beyoncé is friends on MySpace. She invites me to all the hot events, like her concerts and parties. She even bulletins me.
Boyfriend: For real?
Bimbette: Yeah, we's like best friends.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Is not friends with Beyonce :(
Out of What, Now?
Old white husband: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for dinner all the time.
Old white husband: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white husband: I don't remember, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They're like pork chops, but made out of lamb.
--D train
Overheard by: daniela
I Share Their Utilitarian Philosophy, Especially Regarding Titties
Girl cooing at boyfriend: You know, I just wanted a mature guy -- they're so rare! And you're very mature in your outlook.
Boyfriend: I am mature. I'm glad you see th-- Oh, look -- Playboy Enterprises!
--5th Ave
And You Should Be Able to Understand Why I Bit Down
Guy: It's just that, well, fucking you didn't live up to my fantasy of fucking you.
Girl, after long pause: Yeah, I guess I can understand that...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Devin
Let's Hope She Finds the Coathangers Next Time
Chick changing baby on bedding display: Do we need to buy this pillow now?
Hubby: Did he shit on it?
Chick: I don't think.
Hubby, smelling pillow: S'all good.
Chick, holding dirty diaper and wipes: Where's that shelf with the trash cans?
--Target, Queens
Headline by: Redneck Jedi
Runners-Up:
· "Mentioning Britney Spears Would Just Be Too Easy" - chelsea
· "Over There, Under the Security Cameras" - Katy
· "Over by That Sense Of Decency You Apparently Can't Afford." - Beryl
· "The New York Native Living Off The Land" - harris
· "Wait.. for the Baby or the Diaper..?" - Mike N.
· "Where Do They Think They Are? WalMart?" - Bill
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
More Demand for That Than You Might Think
Woman: So, what do you do?
Man: Well, I meet new people in new environments... and I kill them.
--Italian restaurant, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Spencer
After I Rob Your Corpse, of Course
Girlfriend: I am going to kill myself and blame it on you.
Boyfriend: Great... I'll sign your suicide note!
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: sneakey black guy
So, You Knew about That?
Girlfriend: Wait, I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Awww, honey, you're so adorable when you have no idea what's going on.
Girlfriend: ... Faggot!
--Waverly Pl & University
Too Late!
Teen boyfriend: I've been watching you.
Teen girlfriend: Ummm...
Teen boyfriend: No, no, don't worry -- not in, like, the creepy 'I've been watching you'-way.
--Central Park
Who Are You?
Guy: I love you like I love sliced chicken...
Girl: Huh?
Guy: ... And I love sliced chicken.
--Mo Pitkin's
And If Wishes Were Bitches...
Boyfriend: I wish I had a dog.
Girlfriend: I wish I were a dog.
--Union Square
Overheard by: arctinus
Too Late
Dude: You really don't look much like your picture.
Girl: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude: I'm still deciding.
--W 3rd & Sullivan
Overheard by: jor
There's No Room Left on the Cat
Woman: Why was the box of cereal in the bathroom with you this morning?
Man: What else was I gonna write on?
--Manhattan-bound D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
I'm Just Saying
Teen girl: What would you do if I ever did that?
Boyfriend: I'd bite your clit off.
--Virgin megastore
Overheard by: angie
Cans and Bottles Only
Girlfriend to boyfriend trying to stick trash down her pants: That's not a garbage can!
--48th St, Sunnyside, Queens
Alice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs
Husband: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I'm sorry I am not Carol-freaking-Brady! We have six fucking kids and I still have no Alice! Give me a break and cook dinner your-fucking-self! The kids are eating PB&J -- end of discussion.
Husband: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don't whistle while they work. I still want Alice!
Husband: You always get the last word. I can't top that! Dammit!
--Soho
Overheard by: Laura
I'm Demoting You to Provisionally-Exclusive
20-ish girl: Dammit, why aren't you coming to my party?
20-ish guy: I told you -- I have to go to DC that night with my family.
20-ish girl: How am I going to show off my terribly attractive boyfriend to all my other less-attractive boyfriends if you're not going to be there?!
--L train
What's This "We" Shit?
Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Aaron Padwee
Headline by: Danny
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
According to My Life-Coach
Black guy: You know what I need to do? I need to eat yo' pussy on the train. I got head three times on the train already.
Girlfriend: Shhh!
Black guy: That's what I need to do. I need to eat yo' pussy on the train.
--F train
Overheard by: Jofo
I'm Sick of This Hypothetical Shit
Guy: So, if I told you that your eyes reminded me of the color of shit, would you be offended?
Over-sensitive girl: Yeah...
Guy: But your eyes are blue!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Caesar22
He Lost All His Points on the "Use It in a Sentence" Section
Teen boy: Shit, man, I can't believe I got an F on that vocabulary test. I didn't study, but I'm utterly devastated. See? I know the vocab!
Girlfriend: I like the word 'utterly' -- it reminds me of cows.
Teen boy: It reminds me of boobs.
--Union Square
Overheard by: CeLia
And Not on TV
Man: We'll be the opposite of the Cosby family.
Woman: Yeah -- white!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Lauren
For Some Reason, after That Game We Drifted Apart
Guy, as David Wright comes up to bat and stadium erupts with cheers: Oooh, all the girls want David Wright.
Girlfriend: He's pretty good-looking... He's a hottie.
Guy: I'd totally do him... Yep, I would fuck David Wright even if he wasn't on the Mets.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Moving a few rows back...
Presenting -- the Classiest Couple on Staten Island
20-ish guy: Can I please put my balls in your hair?!
Girlfriend: No! Knock it off!
--Staten Island Ferry
I Liked the Music, but Not the Sodomy
Boyfriend: I used to really love South Pacific.
Girlfriend: Of course you did.
Boyfriend: I think I used to be gay when I was little.
--Manhattan-bound N train
It Makes It Look Bigger
Girlfriend: So, my Christopher is a little feminine sometimes...
Boyfriend: I spent two hours shaving this morning!
Dude: Yeah, but shaving what, is the question.
Girlfriend: Not that.
Boyfriend: No, that was yesterday.
Dude, disgusted: I was talking about your legs, but thanks...
--Hershey's store, Times Square
Overheard by: equally disgusted
Sorry, Ike, You're on Your Own
Drunk girl: [Singing.]
Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?
--43rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Blaze Boy
Q-Tip: Wear Galoshes
Hobo: Ahhh.
Girlfriend: Ewww, he peed on me!
Boyfriend: And you're wearing sandals!
--Q train
Hold My Ankles, Okay?
Girlfriend, drinking sake: This is the dumbest method of consuming alcohol I've ever seen. And I've seen keg stands!
Boyfriend: I've done keg stands!
Girlfriend: I can't believe I'm dating you.
--Blue Ribbon Sushi
They Were Aiming for Chineseville
Woman: Jeez.
Man: What?
Woman: Suddenly we're in Italiantown. How did that happen?
--Mulberry & Grand, Little Italy
Overheard by: Cannoli Boy
Nothing a Bouquet of Flowers or Some Vagisil Can't Fix
Chick: She's a little angry right now.
Guy: Who, my mom or your cooch?
--4 train
Overheard by: Rachie
I'll Check the Marriage License When I Get Home
Girlfriend: What was the name of that girl?
Boyfriend: Who?
Girlfriend: The one that was totally in love with you?
Boyfriend: Yeah, she was awesome.
Girlfriend: Who?
Boyfriend: No idea.
--Bergen & Flatbush, Brooklyn
I Know That Guy, and His Dick Is Huge
Boyfriend about loud passing motorcycle: You know, guys who clean their pipes like that have small genitalia.
Girlfriend: Well... I'm not so sure about that.
--18th & Park
Overheard by: Bob who likes to walk
All Married People Do This to Each Other
Chick: Oh, yeah, you were gonna call your mom.
Dude: I was?
Chick: Yeah -- about your sister.
Dude: Oh, yeah. What did you want me to ask her?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Antithesis
