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Anything in the Middle of Nowhere Counts As 'Down South'
Haitian worker #1: Yo, no offense, but that's what I don't like about black girls.
Haitian worker #2: Yeah...
Haitian worker #1: You gotta find yourself a good white girl. And not just one from, like, Baltimore, 'cause they mad ghetto. You gotta find a good white girl from, like, Indianapolis, You know, down South.
--Gray's Papaya, Chelsea
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like
Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.
--JackRabbit running store
Gimme a Hand with This Back Flap, Okay?
Receptionist #1: Yo, my skin is peeling off.
Receptionist #2: Why?
Receptionist #1: 'Cause I'm gross!
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: retarded receptionist
Put That Hose Away, Would Ya?
Fireman #1: You never hook me up!
Fireman #2: Uh...
Fireman #1: How many years have I known you, and you never once hooked me up?
Fireman #3: Well, that's 'cause you're disgusting.
--Fire Dept., Great Jones St
Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Dicker
Little gangster kid: Yo, the last time I went fishing I got a fishing lure stuck in my dick.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Hobo: Everybody's somebody on my dick!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Girl, to male co-worker: Can you be a little more subtle and not such a dick-swinger about your Amstel Light?
--Conde Nast Bldg, 57th & 8th
Overheard by: Kenzi
Woman: At least I don't suck dicks for free!
--Broadway and Putnam, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tommi
Drunk college student: My redeeming factor is I will suck fucking dick to make money.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: dank
Guy on cell: Take it like a bowl of dicks.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Johnny Bonsanto
Fat guy: So I asked her, and she gave me her number, and then it was disconnected. So I went back the next week, and she wasn't working there anymore. So I wondered, did she quit her job just to avoid sucking my dick?
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: Caroline
Acute Case of Wednesday One-Liners
Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!
--Hudson & Vandam
Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.
--Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.
--Hudson St
Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method
Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.
--Sephora, Broadway
Overheard by: linzz
Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."
--Spring St
Overheard by: boston bobby
College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: roo
Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Wondering how that works
Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.
--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!
--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th
Overheard by: EE Grimshaw
NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?
--NYU bus
Overheard by: tj
Hair Today, Heard Tomorrow (NYC Short Stories)
Accounting lady: What did you do to your hair?
Mailroom guy: It's called the wet look.
Accounting lady: Oh yeah? What's that?
Mailroom guy: I sprinkle some water on my head.
--Office, 58th & Broadway
Girl #1: I'm getting my hair cut when I go home next week. I don't trust New York hairdressers. Last time, they charged me too much and gave me a crappy cut where one side was longer than the other.
Girl #2: It was probably some sort of hipster thing, that's why it cost so much.
Girl #1: What, like I'm paying a licensing fee to rebroadcast her creativity on my head?...I guess so.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
And Correlate Them to Market Trends, Will You?
Female trader: Oh my god, I've been so busy lately.
Eager new hire: Is there anything I can help you with?
Female trader: Well, I've actually been too busy to read ABC blog* and XYZ blog* today. If you could write me up a summary, that would be great.
Eager new hire: Uh, sure.
--Trading Floor
Overheard by: PageSixisBetter
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Witness Protection Rule #198: When Asked about Your Past, Act Stoned
Boss calling out from office: Eric*, what's your city of birth?
Employee #1: Oh, I don't know. I put down a variety of places.
Employee #2: You don't know your city of birth?
Employee #1: Well, it's either the town or the city it's near... The place... It's like an umbrella.
Employee #2: Oh.
--Hedge fund office, 57th & 5th
Overheard by: the silent temp
So at First I Didn't Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers
Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: red
I Have Lost My Ability to Pick Up a Hanging Plant
Counter girl #1 : That's that shit you gotta get -- a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don't fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that's what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Wednesday One-Liners Wouldn't Say They're Missing Work
Manager to resigned employee: It's okay. If I worked here I'd be looking for another job as well.
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
Guy pleading into cell: Give me a break! So I have sex with one fuckin' coworker...
--Lafayette & Spring
Overheard by: Jeff in Soho
Late-40s guy: When you get to be my age it's hard to make the big money, to become rich. Sure, I could get a job, but that's not me.
--Bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: How long is this bus ride?
Suit: I mean, if I'm gonna fuck a fatty it's going to be one I don't have to see at work on Monday.
--6 train, Astor Place
Bike messenger: I could die at any time. That's why my job is so great. I clock in for doom.
--37th & Broadway
Just Some Sparring, Followed by Spooning
Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?
--Varick St
A Long, Rambling, Incoherent Scream
Manager guy: You looking for the perfect bag now?
Director lady: There's nothing festive. I don't want to be seen walking with a Duane Reade bag. It screams beggar.
--Office, 39th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Frank I
Which Class Do I Take to Learn About Blaming Jews?
Shopgirl #1: So school starts again soon?
Shopgirl #2: Yeah. School starts soon. But it's not anything interesting, like math. It's like, all history and sociology and ethnics. Ethics.
--American Apparel, E. Houston Street
Overheard by: isti
Where the Pets and Strippers Go
PetCo Woman: Oops, sorry to bump into you. Watch out, I might be going into your pants!
PetCo Guy: I wasn't complaining. As long as you tip me.
--PetCo, Union Square
Bookstore Fun
Strand Girl: Hey, Beth!
Beth: Yeah?
Strand Girl: Phone call.
Beth: Who is it?
Strand Girl: It's Christopher, posing as an English person.
--The Strand basement, Broadway & 12th St.
But Don't Hold Your Breath
Dude: Thanks for showing me that in the computer program.
Chick: Sure! I like to give everyone a piece once in a while.
--Tunnel St, Chinatown
So He Paid Them to Fight Each Other While He Watched
Worker #1: Wasn't he friends with Angelo?
Worker #2: No, Angelo hated him. Angelo hired two bums to beat the crap out of him around the corner.
--32nd & 2nd
When he Started to Bomb me Over Christmas Break, That Was the Last Straw
Volunteer #1: So, any presidents this week?
Volunteer #2: No, only Henry Kissinger.
Volunteer #1: Oh, I went to high school with him and his brother. They both asked me out, but I wasn't going to go out with a German refugee.
--The Guggenheim
Overheard by: ash
Or Just Get One of Those Meat T-Shirts
Shopgirl #1: T-shirt! Deep-fry your t-shirt, and then he'll be all, 'Mmm!' and eat it off you!
Shopgirl #2: Yeah.
--Borders
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
But He Keeps Getting Stopped by Border Patrol
Trendy girl: Yeah, well, it's cheaper to steal cars in the US than to import them.
Fellow employee: Yeah, so he steals these cars and takes them way the hell out to the middle of nowhere... Like, Brooklyn...
--Office elevator, Park Ave South
Overheard by: way too much time on my hands
But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
--Actors' Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
A Scene from the Latest Leslie Nielsen Movie
Guy: My eye won't stop twitching.
Girl: Maybe you should have thought of that before you wiped sarin on the counter. Oh, oops, I just realized that the subway is a bad place to talk about work.
--E train
The Secret is Out!
A Wendy's employee, fresh off his break, pretends to be a customer.
Wendy's Guy #1: Hello, sir. Welcome to Wendy's. Can I take your order?
Wendy's Guy #2: I want a Big Mac.
Wendy's Guy #1: A Big Mac?
Wendy's Girl: I don't want a Big Mac but I want that sauce.
Wendy's Guy #2: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Wendy's Girl: Isn't it just 1000 island dressing?
--Wendy's, Bensonhurst
Movin' On Up
Chick: Why are you all styled out today?
Guy: That's what happens when you move up in the world. I got a promotion.
Chick: What are you now, the owner?
Guy: Assistant manager.
--Quizno's, 23rd St.
Does She Fuck Chicks or Does She Fuck Eggs?
Graphics girl: OK, I'm a chitter-chatterbox.
Editor: Did you just say you're a chicken pederast?
--27th Street office
Neither Does The Internet, But Here We Are
Cashier Lady #1: What I'ma do if I gotta go to the pussy doctor? Tell the boss I gotta itch in my pussy?
Cashier Lady #2: Yeah, you gotta protect your privacy.
Cashier Lady #1: They don't gotta know all about my pussy's issues.
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Carrie
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
"...I do intend to continue lying to us."
Editor: So she went to this party in San Diego and got slipped a roofie. The guy couldn't even get her home. She had to be taken straight to the hospital. It's one of those things that you feel terrible for her, but also find awfully titillating.
Art Director: Wow. Crossing the line...
Editor: Hey, I will not keep secrets from myself or you!
--Midtown office
If She Says a Swingline Stapler, Hire Her. Or Smack Her.
Girl: I have another interview at 3:00 today.
Guy: Didn't you already hire someone?
Girl: Yeah, but this is that Harvard grad. I want to know which office supply she would be.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Peter H
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Notice He Didn't Say Williamsburg
Art store guy #1: No, I don't know where it is...Hey, does anyone know where there's an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.
--Utrecht, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Jason
What's the Bad News?
Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: prciosasoy
Side Effects Include Disgusting Subway Subs
Manager guy: How did you make those sandwiches so fast?
Sammich guy: Performance-enhancing drugs.
--Subway, 23rd & Madison
The Scream Guy
Business executive: We can use that grassroots, online community-building and marketing to create lots of support for the product, just like.... the scream guy did.
Low-level employee: Uh, you mean Howard Dean?
Business executive: Yes, just like Howard Dean did!
-- An office in Midtown
It's Hard to Return Presents When You're Boxed Yourself
Guy associate: I mean, I saw the picture; how dangerous could it
really be?
Girl associate: Well, it would be pretty terrible to die on your
honeymoon. I mean, what's the protocol for that? Do you get to keep
the wedding gifts? Send them back?
--Law Firm, 59th & Lexington
I've Heard of Male PMS, But Not Male MS
Sales guy: I'm been feeling sick all day.
Sales gal: Is it something serious?
Sales guy: Nah, it's not like I'm bleeding from the ass or anything.
--The Strand
I Don't Think You Quite Grasp This Manliness Business
Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
--Movie set of I Am Legend
Overheard by: Another electric guy
I Doubt She Has to Worry About Being Educated
Girl: I can't get food for you guys tomorrow. I have school. I am not
leaving school just to come here and get food for all of us.
Guy: You know education isn't going to feed you.
Girl: That's funny, because my boyfriend said to me last night that
education wasn't going to get me married.
--Office, Old Slip & South
Overheard by: Ioulia Fedorova
The Golden Taste of Pleasure
Woman #1: ...and I was crouching down with my 6 or 7 inches of my bare ass showing, it was so embarrassing, and he stayed there!
Woman #2: Maybe he was a pee fetishist!
Woman #1: But he was young!
Woman #2: Maybe you turned him into a pee fetishist!
--Noho office bathroom
Those Victims D-e-s-e-r-v-e-d It
Old man: I don't like to see musicals about awful historical events, like the French Revolution. Or the Holocaust.
Guy: Or spelling bees?
Old man: No, that one was pretty good.
--Office, Wall & Broadway
No, He Rages Against the Dying of the Light
Store guy #1: Did you hear that JT Leroy is a fake? He never existed.
Store guy #2: What? Dude, are you serious?
Store guy #1: It's true. The New York Times proved it with like receipts and shit. Billy Corgan must be rolling over in his grave.
Store guy #2: Wait, Billy Corgan's dead?
--Kim's Video, St. Marks Place