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Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
So...I can Forget About the Alamo?
Crazy man: Did you hear about the tweezers?!
Boy: Ummm... what?
Crazy man: The tweezers! They're good. They're better for your moustache. They help you take the hair out. They're so much better.
Boy: Ok, thank you.
Crazy man: You're welcome. Remember! The tweezers!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sam
Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other
Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode -- it's fucked up. That's why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can't come. I don't really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn't find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don't worry. When we come back, we'll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama's gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama's gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.
--Staten Island Ferry
Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh...
Man: I'm King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]
Man: For slaying Goliath!
--7 train
Overheard by: Matt
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
Why He Couldn't Land the Page Job in Washington
Sniffer: There are pedophiles everywhere. There are pedophiles in this train right now.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: I see them, and I know who they are. I can smell them.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: Yeah, I smell you.
--F train, Midtown
When New Yorkers Try to Do Jolly, It Just Comes Out Scary
Chick: Hey, you're wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What's wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it's hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, 'Get out!' Oh, this is Santa's floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
--Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Staying Me from the Swift Completion of My Demented Rounds
Train begins moving, but stops abruptly.
Crazy lady: Oh no. Uh-uh. Damn. [Sticks head out door] You people getting on or off? This silly shit's gotta stop.
Concerned woman: A gentleman up there has just had a heart attack.
Crazy lady: I'm sure he did. Uh-huh. I'm sure that's it. Always gotta be some bullshit.
--1 train, Canal St
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
I Was Just Licking Some Crumbs Off Your Blouse
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don't touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain't cute! I wasn't tryin' to cop no feels!
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Funny, I Don't Feel Welcome
Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn't hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that's good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.
--C train
Overheard by: Ray
We Don't Serve That Here, Redux
Customer: I would like a coffee, a white coffee.
Barista: Excuse me, sir? You'd like...white chocolate in your coffee? We don't do that.
Customer: Mo, I mean...like a black coffee, but with milk...a white coffee?
Barista: Where are you from, sir?
Customer: Near London, in England.
Barista: That's the fourth one today, you English are crazy!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Adrian
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners' Excrement Adventure
Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Crazy guy: And I'm just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!
--51st & 8th
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!
Woman, 40s: ...so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won't let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn't need no more than that...are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser--leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he's sleeping (there's kids around but y'all know what muscle I'm talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
--4 train
Overheard by: Anna
The Bronx Zoo's Most Controversial Exhibit
Chick: Omigod, look, it's a moose! It's like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that's a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn't look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it's a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they're raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?
--125 Street Metro-North station
Clean Up in Aisle Number 1
Guy: Sir, I have to wee wee!
Manager: Um, OK, our bathroom is--
Guy: I'm going to wee wee in my pants!
Manager: OK, the bathroom is downstairs, I'll have to go with you.
Guy: I'm going to wee on your floor!
--Gristedes, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Jessica
Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation
Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough.
--Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.
--Worth & Broadway
Overheard by: Half Shirt
Office worker: We've lived in New York too long. Instead of saying "ridiculously overpriced" we say "upscale."
--Office, Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: inge
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
--Uptown R train
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!
--Barney's Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Dr. Mary
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jen
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!
--Times Square
Their Intergalactic Enforcement Program Is Top-Notch
College applicant: I want to learn how to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Okay, well, we don't do that here -- it's a Criminal Justice college degree.
College applicant: But they told me I need to learn to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Who's they?
College applicant: The aliens. You know, them.
Admissions rep: I see. Well, maybe you should go to the CIA.
--30th Pl & Thomson Ave, Long Island City
Cue Sunset and End Credits
Hobo: Do you have the time?
Guy: Quarter past seven.
Hobo: Do you think we'll make it?
Guy: To where?
Hobo: To wherever we're going.
Guy: Yes.
--D train
Overheard by: Dan Cunningham
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
Vaguely Christian Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy homeless guy: Ya see, I don't like the Baptists, because I'm a Roman Catholic. But I would hire a Baptist man, because I like the doughnuts.
--4 train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Little boy skipping: I did not commit a sin!
--Central Park
Yuppie chick on cell: It's really easy to convert to Protestantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Martin Luther King style. Okay, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I'd like to know where she studied history
Man bowing head: Hail Mary, full of-- ah, fuck it.
--Northbound Q train
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Something... Something... It's On!
Crazy guy: Next person to stand in the way of the closing doors... Now it's on!
Thugette #1: That's right, mister! Next one that...
Thugette #2: You don't even remember what he just said?
--6 train, 77th St
Overheard by: Drewster
Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners
Man: 'Cause I'm like, 'Seven a.m. is too fuckin' early for Jesus -- too fuckin' early.'
--Union Square station
Overheard by: DM Cook
Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he's on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you -- for men, women, lesbians, gays...
--Uptown 2 train from 72nd St
Overheard by: pimnana
Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.
--Uptown 2 train from 66th St
Overheard by: Avatarded
Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train... Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.
--1 train, 168th St
Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Scott
Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.
--109 & Broadway
Overheard by: trying to stay dry
Only if the Cat is a Starving Vampire
Crazy woman: Puh-scuse me! Puh-scuse me! Where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: What?
Crazy woman: I said, where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: Um, do you mean cat food?
--Duane Reade, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Jennifer Farmwald
Elizabeth Taylor's Going through a Dry Spell
Crazy old woman: I'll be back soon. Are you married?
Newsstand guy: Uh... No, I have not married.
Crazy old woman: Would you mind marrying me?
Newsstand guy: Uh... I have not married.
--92nd & Broadway
Overheard by: he was pretty attractive
That's the Ticket!
Crazy codger: I'm on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We're all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Those Wacky Homeless
Hobo: It's not like I even mean to keep talking. I don't wanna keep talking. They fucked up when they started making Taco Bell Doritos. They take away the molasses! Why? Because they know I like it. I smoked crack with the FBI. Hasta la vista, nigger. Next time I see you, I'm gonna blow crack smoke into your head, you fucking bitch.
--W Train
What do You Mean, 'Jewish'? I Thought This Was Some Kind of Giant Robot Cartoon!
Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.
--60th & Madison
And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa
Old lady: So, it sounds like you've really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.
--Terminal 9, JFK
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
Paper Moon
Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!
--Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan cuervo
Hobo's Quick with the Puns
Hobo: So you two ladies want to go with me, I have a room at the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Are you sure?
Girl #2: Please leave us alone.
Hobo: Okay, I'm a gentleman. See, I'm going to leave you alone. So will you come with me to the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Okay. See I'm a gentleman, I'm going to leave you alone. You have a nice night.
Girl #1: Bye.
Hobo: Don't fucking patronize me!
--32nd & 2nd
The Secret History of Wednesday One-Liners
Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.
Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush -- I'll eat the cake!
--Houston & 6th Ave
Professor: Sometimes there's even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.
--Silver Center, Washington Square
Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That's right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don't read the papers?!
--6 train
Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.
--Wall St & Broadway
Where Are They Now?: David Dinkins
A crazy man takes out a whole frozen fish from his bag and bangs it on the side of the bus repeatedly.
Crazy man #2: You should pretend that's the mayor.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Erika Strum
Let's Pluck Him and Stuff Our Coats
Businesswoman: It's mighty ducky today.
Hobo: Quack!
--Wall Street
I'm Pretty Sure She Means Harvard
Woman on cell: Yeah, my flight to Kansas City is delayed...Well it's either this or back to the mental institution.
--Women's restroom, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: morgan from missouri
Hence the Soup
Guy: You can pour all the soup on it you want, that still won't make it pancakes.
Woman, desperate: You don't seem to realize, cigarettes are addictive!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Liz
If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number
Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can't do that! This is a passenger train...The blood of Jesus Christ! You can't do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!...That is the devil's drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can't do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?
--F train
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest