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Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
So...I can Forget About the Alamo?
Crazy man: Did you hear about the tweezers?!
Boy: Ummm... what?
Crazy man: The tweezers! They're good. They're better for your moustache. They help you take the hair out. They're so much better.
Boy: Ok, thank you.
Crazy man: You're welcome. Remember! The tweezers!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sam
Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other
Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode -- it's fucked up. That's why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can't come. I don't really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn't find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don't worry. When we come back, we'll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama's gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama's gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.
--Staten Island Ferry
Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh...
Man: I'm King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]
Man: For slaying Goliath!
--7 train
Overheard by: Matt
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
Why He Couldn't Land the Page Job in Washington
Sniffer: There are pedophiles everywhere. There are pedophiles in this train right now.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: I see them, and I know who they are. I can smell them.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: Yeah, I smell you.
--F train, Midtown
When New Yorkers Try to Do Jolly, It Just Comes Out Scary
Chick: Hey, you're wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What's wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it's hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, 'Get out!' Oh, this is Santa's floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
--Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Staying Me from the Swift Completion of My Demented Rounds
Train begins moving, but stops abruptly.
Crazy lady: Oh no. Uh-uh. Damn. [Sticks head out door] You people getting on or off? This silly shit's gotta stop.
Concerned woman: A gentleman up there has just had a heart attack.
Crazy lady: I'm sure he did. Uh-huh. I'm sure that's it. Always gotta be some bullshit.
--1 train, Canal St
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
I Was Just Licking Some Crumbs Off Your Blouse
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don't touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain't cute! I wasn't tryin' to cop no feels!
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Funny, I Don't Feel Welcome
Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn't hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that's good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.
--C train
Overheard by: Ray
We Don't Serve That Here, Redux
Customer: I would like a coffee, a white coffee.
Barista: Excuse me, sir? You'd like...white chocolate in your coffee? We don't do that.
Customer: Mo, I mean...like a black coffee, but with milk...a white coffee?
Barista: Where are you from, sir?
Customer: Near London, in England.
Barista: That's the fourth one today, you English are crazy!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Adrian
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners' Excrement Adventure
Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Crazy guy: And I'm just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!
--51st & 8th
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!
Woman, 40s: ...so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won't let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn't need no more than that...are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser--leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he's sleeping (there's kids around but y'all know what muscle I'm talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
--4 train
Overheard by: Anna
The Bronx Zoo's Most Controversial Exhibit
Chick: Omigod, look, it's a moose! It's like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that's a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn't look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it's a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they're raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?
--125 Street Metro-North station
Clean Up in Aisle Number 1
Guy: Sir, I have to wee wee!
Manager: Um, OK, our bathroom is--
Guy: I'm going to wee wee in my pants!
Manager: OK, the bathroom is downstairs, I'll have to go with you.
Guy: I'm going to wee on your floor!
--Gristedes, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Jessica
Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation
Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough.
--Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.
--Worth & Broadway
Overheard by: Half Shirt
Office worker: We've lived in New York too long. Instead of saying "ridiculously overpriced" we say "upscale."
--Office, Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: inge
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
--Uptown R train
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!
--Barney's Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Dr. Mary
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jen
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!
--Times Square
Their Intergalactic Enforcement Program Is Top-Notch
College applicant: I want to learn how to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Okay, well, we don't do that here -- it's a Criminal Justice college degree.
College applicant: But they told me I need to learn to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Who's they?
College applicant: The aliens. You know, them.
Admissions rep: I see. Well, maybe you should go to the CIA.
--30th Pl & Thomson Ave, Long Island City
Cue Sunset and End Credits
Hobo: Do you have the time?
Guy: Quarter past seven.
Hobo: Do you think we'll make it?
Guy: To where?
Hobo: To wherever we're going.
Guy: Yes.
--D train
Overheard by: Dan Cunningham
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
Vaguely Christian Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy homeless guy: Ya see, I don't like the Baptists, because I'm a Roman Catholic. But I would hire a Baptist man, because I like the doughnuts.
--4 train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Little boy skipping: I did not commit a sin!
--Central Park
Yuppie chick on cell: It's really easy to convert to Protestantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Martin Luther King style. Okay, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I'd like to know where she studied history
Man bowing head: Hail Mary, full of-- ah, fuck it.
--Northbound Q train
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Something... Something... It's On!
Crazy guy: Next person to stand in the way of the closing doors... Now it's on!
Thugette #1: That's right, mister! Next one that...
Thugette #2: You don't even remember what he just said?
--6 train, 77th St
Overheard by: Drewster
Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners
Man: 'Cause I'm like, 'Seven a.m. is too fuckin' early for Jesus -- too fuckin' early.'
--Union Square station
Overheard by: DM Cook
Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he's on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you -- for men, women, lesbians, gays...
--Uptown 2 train from 72nd St
Overheard by: pimnana
Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.
--Uptown 2 train from 66th St
Overheard by: Avatarded
Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train... Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.
--1 train, 168th St
Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Scott
Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.
--109 & Broadway
Overheard by: trying to stay dry
Only if the Cat is a Starving Vampire
Crazy woman: Puh-scuse me! Puh-scuse me! Where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: What?
Crazy woman: I said, where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: Um, do you mean cat food?
--Duane Reade, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Jennifer Farmwald
Elizabeth Taylor's Going through a Dry Spell
Crazy old woman: I'll be back soon. Are you married?
Newsstand guy: Uh... No, I have not married.
Crazy old woman: Would you mind marrying me?
Newsstand guy: Uh... I have not married.
--92nd & Broadway
Overheard by: he was pretty attractive
That's the Ticket!
Crazy codger: I'm on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We're all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Those Wacky Homeless
Hobo: It's not like I even mean to keep talking. I don't wanna keep talking. They fucked up when they started making Taco Bell Doritos. They take away the molasses! Why? Because they know I like it. I smoked crack with the FBI. Hasta la vista, nigger. Next time I see you, I'm gonna blow crack smoke into your head, you fucking bitch.
--W Train
What do You Mean, 'Jewish'? I Thought This Was Some Kind of Giant Robot Cartoon!
Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.
--60th & Madison
And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa
Old lady: So, it sounds like you've really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.
--Terminal 9, JFK
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
Paper Moon
Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!
--Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan cuervo
Hobo's Quick with the Puns
Hobo: So you two ladies want to go with me, I have a room at the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Are you sure?
Girl #2: Please leave us alone.
Hobo: Okay, I'm a gentleman. See, I'm going to leave you alone. So will you come with me to the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Okay. See I'm a gentleman, I'm going to leave you alone. You have a nice night.
Girl #1: Bye.
Hobo: Don't fucking patronize me!
--32nd & 2nd
The Secret History of Wednesday One-Liners
Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.
Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush -- I'll eat the cake!
--Houston & 6th Ave
Professor: Sometimes there's even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.
--Silver Center, Washington Square
Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That's right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don't read the papers?!
--6 train
Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.
--Wall St & Broadway
Where Are They Now?: David Dinkins
A crazy man takes out a whole frozen fish from his bag and bangs it on the side of the bus repeatedly.
Crazy man #2: You should pretend that's the mayor.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Erika Strum
Let's Pluck Him and Stuff Our Coats
Businesswoman: It's mighty ducky today.
Hobo: Quack!
--Wall Street
I'm Pretty Sure She Means Harvard
Woman on cell: Yeah, my flight to Kansas City is delayed...Well it's either this or back to the mental institution.
--Women's restroom, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: morgan from missouri
Hence the Soup
Guy: You can pour all the soup on it you want, that still won't make it pancakes.
Woman, desperate: You don't seem to realize, cigarettes are addictive!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Liz
If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number
Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can't do that! This is a passenger train...The blood of Jesus Christ! You can't do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!...That is the devil's drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can't do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?
--F train
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday Blood-Liners
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
--1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
--Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn't it done? Why isn't it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
--41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
--1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I'm going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I'm going to cut it off! Yes! I'm going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you... Yes! I! Am! Well, I can't think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators
Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We're here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?
--New Yorker Hotel elevator
Overheard by: Alyssa
I Think It Was the Poop Fights That Brought Me Back from the Brink
Redhead: When I was dying, I had a thing with monkeys.
Ponytail: Really? Monkeys?
Redhead: Yeah... they were everywhere!
--New Amici's, 187th St, the Bronx
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
Cherry-Poppin' Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!
--No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Jas
Old lady: Enter the train... She ain't no virgin! Get in, get in!
--F train platform
Overheard by: Ritika
Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary's a virgin as of today. That's a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You're tellin' me that they got married, but Joseph wasn't hittin' that?
--4 train
Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin... No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat...
--N train to Astoria
God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I'm praying for his virginity.
--L train
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
Just tell him "PLUCK U"! It's the name of your fucking store!
Crazy customer: So you're the manager?
Manager: That's right.
Crazy customer: OK, then I needed to talk to you. Now, I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble. But this order is for my boss and she's a flat out bitch.
Manager: OK...
Crazy customer: The last time I was here, I ordered your boneless wings. And I got buffalo wings.
Manager: Wow, I'm sorry about that.
Crazy customer: Then I've got to go back to the office and hear about it. And your man there wasn't being helpful at all.
Manager: Well, try to put yourself in his shoes. Sometimes things get really busy and you can get swamped being the only guy at the register, and maybe you're not as polite as you should be.
Crazy customer: I worked at Wendy's, McDonald's AND Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Junction. I took a lot of crap from general managers.
Manager: Right.
Crazy customer: If someone wanted their sandwich upside down, that's how I gave it to them. I got buffalo wings and then I've got to eat it. I don't want them!
Manager: Well, here's your order. Thanks for saying something.
Crazy customer: So this is ten boneless wings?
Manager: Yes.
Crazy customer: Thanks. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. It's just that I'm going to hear it from her if it's wrong, and she's a bitch. She just called me and she wanted me to get her to downtown Brooklyn in an hour. Excuse me? Do I have a rocketship?
Manager: Right, right.
Crazy customer: So these aren't buffalo wings, right?
Manager: Ten boneless wings with bleu cheese.
--Pluck U., East Village
That's Pretty Much What They Invented Clubs For
Two guys and a girl are walking down a street when a strange man sitting in an office chair rolls toward them.
Chair guy: Ah, this girl got two boyfriends! Mmm...Can a black man join the club? Can...a black man....join the club. Join the club.
--4th & Jane
Overheard by: marissa
There's No One-Lunatic-Per-Car Quota
A white guy in a suit hangs from the center bar upside-down on a crowded train for about five stops.
Hobo: And you all think I'm crazy.
--6 train
Overheard by: paulybrklynny
Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
--F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
--27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
--54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
--World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
--Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
--19th between 7th & 8th
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Where is King Syphilitic Dementia's "Fireplace"?
Hobo: I am the king, bow down before me...The president of the United States is a retarded fuck. American people don't care about life. Why fight for America? Fuck sending a bunch of people over there to kill and be killed. It's ridiculous. Bush thinks it's okay. He's the dictator, he's the bad man. If I ever get my hands on him, I'm gonna torture his ass. I'll cut his dick off. I'll take a pipe from the fireplace and stick it up his ass. I'm the king. I'll always be the king. I say this...Don't ever believe America. America is godless. The people are full of shit. Anyone who goes to war for America has got to be out their motherfuckin' mind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: psd
I Hope Blogging About It Is Okay
Crazy guy: Yo! Hey, Superman!
A dude with a Superman shirt looks horrified.
Crazy guy: Yo, man! I'm just like you! I'm Spider-Man!
He pulls up his shirt and yanks his underwear up out from under his pants, revealing a Spider-Man logo.
Crazy guy: See? You know, if you wasn't a dude, I wouldn't have shown you.
The Superman dude sees two younger girls watching and laughing.
Crazy guy: Yo, don't talk about me when you get off the train!
--L train
Overheard by: Matthias
He Ate the Rest of His Litter
Guy #1: That's a cute dog.
Guy #2: Thanks, she's my daughter.
Guy #1: ...How is that possible?
Guy #2: Yeah, that's right: I gave birth to her, she came out of my vagina.
--98th & 5th
When Queer Eye Attacks
Nut: Fucking homosexual! Watching another man do his business. You must be gay.
--Union Square
I'll Eat It, but the Fungus Love Is Out
Woman babbling in Spanish: Mushrooms! Fuck him! I can't even tell you how... Fucking mushrooms... Michael Jordan? Really? Oy... It's like... Uh... I didn't catch him at the right time, you know?
Man: I don't know Spanish. You cookin' dinner tonight? Shit.
--6 train
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Well, He Didn't Specify What Kind of Second He Wanted
Greenpeace guy: Do you have a second for Greenpeace?
Woman: Meow.
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: JJ
Not So Different. You Suck Blood, and I'm in Advertising.
Scarecrow guy: You know, I'm pretty normal, for someone who's completely out of control.
Woman: Right.
Scarecrow guy: We're in different worlds now. I'm pretty Goth, and we're trying to convince people we're vampires. You're a college grad. Different worlds, you know.
--LIRR
Overheard by: college grad's friend
I Eat Cannibals
An old lady is crossing the street with a small dachshund. As they approach Gray's Papaya, the woman looks down and asks: Jimmy, did you say you wanted a hot dog?
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jonathan
Stranger Things Have Happened on Endor
A couple walks by holding hands, a tall man and a short woman.
Chick: What's with the Wookie-Ewok love?
Guy: Dude, that's harsh.
--13th & University
Girl: You know her, she's making stuff up again!
Crazy woman: Hey! Did you just call me Chewbacca?
--1 train
Overheard by: poptart
Wednesday One-liners Go Potty
Chick on cell: It's a long story involving a lot of urine, but the gist of it is, we can't use that refrigerator ever again.
--Madison Square Garden ladies' room
The New Comeback to Anything, '06
Woman: Um...excuse me...But...are you all right?
Teen boy: Juilliard audition!
--JFK
Overheard by: Sydney M
They Come Out at Night to Feed
Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t-shirt that says "BEAR". He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.
Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You're a very attractive woman. I'd like to give you my number.
Fat man: It's the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.
Fat man: I've got 31 movies--31 movies!--I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.
Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work...you'll lose weight, you'll get married, you'll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I'm a saint. I'm a guru--I don't call myself a guru. I'm a saint. I save people.
Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It's terrible to watch these things.
--Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mollie
If Anything, Lassie is a Trannie
A big crazy man walking his dog says: So whadda ya wanna do? You wanna watch Lassie? Or how 'bout Rin Tin Tin? Or whadda 'bout da Little Rascals?...Hmm...OK...Yeah, you're right, let's not watch dat. Lassie is a fucking lesbian and Rin Tin Tin is a fag.
--Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Brock
"Haven't you heard of reverse?"
Crazy guy: Slow down!
Bus driver: I'm stopped at a light; I can't get much slower.
--Q60 bus
Overheard by: Ben
Her Name, Not Her Sentence
Crazy guy: You gots some pretty eyes.
Woman: Thank you.
Crazy guy: What's your name, pretty?
Man: My wife!
--A train
Overheard by: tommy Lo
Yet It's OK for Him to Kill His Son...
Crazy lady: I hate my fucking mother and I want to kill her. I want to watch her bleed. She is a fat lazy bitch. She was nothing but a container!
Guy: God will not forgive you if you kill your mother. Can you also keep it down please?
--PATH train
Overheard by: JMK
Spring is Here, New York!
Hobo: You remember me?
Bag lady: Yeah, I remember you; I still don't like you.
Hobo: I still don't like you either. You still gotta wash your ass. Stop smokin' crack and wash your asshole!
--1 train
Overheard by: Nico Medina
Presenting the New Catchphrases for 2006
Guy #1: Yesterday this girl said she wanted to throw herself in front of the train and I'm like, "This bitch is crazy."
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: I mean, I see that motherfucka coming and that shit ain't gonna happen, you know?
Guy #2: Maybe she was depressed.
Guy #1: Are you kidding? That shit is pancake style...bitch is crazy.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Nander
Wednesday One-liners Believe in Holy Ghosts
Girl: I know you're not religious, but do you believe in dinosaurs?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sasha
He's Channeling the President
Crazy guy: Yeah, I don't have to remember. I know. What are you looking at? I'm gonna kill you, you keep it up, I'm gonna kill you. I don't need to be no CIA, FBI, Special Agent Man, whatever the fuck you got. I battle evil! I'm gonna kill you.
Man from window: Shut up!
Crazy guy: Fuck you. I battle evil! I battle evil every day. You're a coward. I'm gonna blow up that building. I don't like evil. I'm a peaceful man and I battle evil.
Man from window: Go away then.
Crazy guy: I battle evil!
--10th St between 1st & A
Overheard by: A guy trying to be invisible while standing right next to the crazy guy
Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Happy Halloween)
Man on cell: I have two phobias. The post office and the library. And you want me to go to the post office for you?
--University & 10th
College girl #1: What do you think is the saddest emotion or feeling?
College girl #2: I'm not sure, maybe fear.
College girl #1: Yeah, that's a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger.
--71st between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Lizz Tooher
Girl: Yeah, I always wear black...I'm, like, scared of colors.
--Elevator, Parsons School of Design
Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler's a scary motherfucker, 'cause you never know what that nigga be sayin'. He be all "robble robble robble robble" and shit!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Tacologic
Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you supposed to be anyway, Hercules?
Man: I'm Thor. Mighty son of Odin.
--N train
Better He Take the Elevator Than a Plane
Man: Jesus is coming, are you prepared?
Hipster guy: Well, he ain't getting on this elevator!
Woman: Oh Jesus, who let this nut in the building?
--Elevator, 42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Cirrus Monk
Get This Man a TV Show!
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle
Peeing is Neither Mental nor a Disease
Hobo: If you see me pissin' on your lawn, it's my disease. I have mental illness. I just got out of psychiatric.
At this point he whipped it out and proceeded to water a tree.
--Washington Square Park
He Plays with Himself on the Subway
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you're not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I'm not.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um--
Hobo: You might be surprised!
--1 train
Overheard by: emzor
She Worked the INS in McDonaldland
Crazy lady: Yo! Uh...man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren't you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: No! I know Diedre. Now don't be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I'm prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That's very nice. That'll be 5.98 total, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I'm gone now. You can't see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.
--Papaya King, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg
Blondie is a Group!
Crazy man: Why do blondes only hang out with other blondes? Why do blondes only hang out with other blonds? Why do blonds only hang out with other blonds?
Chick: Shut up.
Crazy man: Hey Blondie, I wasn't asking you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
The Mayoral Contest in One Scene
A crazy man is walking around with headphones and a walkman trying to interview people, using the walkman as a microphone.
Crazy man: Who loves New York? I love New York! How about you...Who loves New York?
He holds the "mic" up to the guy.
Guy: Is this for ABC?
Crazy man: Fuck ABC, Fuck NBC, Fuck CBC. This is me. Who loves New York?
--31st & 6th
Overheard by: P. Mills
The Nuclear Option
Riders scurry away as crazy woman yells at them and pokes them with her cane for sitting on one of her seats. Young woman boards train and sits.
Crazy woman: Wooo! Go! Go! Go! Wooo!
Young woman: Hey, you have three seats, and I'm just sitting on the edge of this one so you can have half. I am not getting up.
Crazy woman: Wooo!
Young woman: See all those people standing? It's not fair for you to have four seats. [Crazy woman pulls down pants and starts peeing. Young woman gets up] Okay, you win.
--Manhattan-bound D train, Brooklyn
The PATH Train at 33rd (A NYC Short Story)
Hobo: Where are you going?
Drunk guy: Bermuda. I'm connecting to the plane.
Drunk guy: Is that your cousin?
Hobo: Yeah!
Drunk guy: He didn't even say nothing to you. That's fucked up!
Hobo: My name is Peter. Peter Parker. I'm Spider-Man's father.
The hobo shows the drunk guy his bottle. The drunk guy takes out a can of beer and a bottle of whiskey
Drunk guy: So what? You trying to beat me? You started a competition and I beat you. I came prepared.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Tony Gabriel
Maybe If You Shaved Your Balls?
Crazy woman: Get out of my way Andrea!
Guy: Wow, I didn't know my name was Andrea; maybe I should grow my hair out so I at least look the part.
--Fairway, 74th & Broadway
Crossbreeding Humans and Bees: A Cautionary Tale
Woman #1: Ooh, the Macy's Flower Show is out. We should go see it.
Crazy guy: Psst! Psst! Flowers? I like flowers! Where are they, where can we go see them?
Woman #2: The Macy's Flower Show is going on right here.
Woman #1: I actually don't think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Flowers? I like flowers!
Woman #2: It hasn't started yet but it will be at Macy's.
Crazy guy: I'll go in this entrance to see the flowers.
Woman #2: But I don't think it started yet.
Crazy guy: What entrance are you going in to see the flowers? I like flowers.
Woman 2: I don't think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Oh. Well I'm gonna go see them cause I like flowers.
--33rd & Broadway
That's Just What They Said About Jesus
God Squad guy: Jesus is the answer! Come to Jesus and he'll hold you in his arms! Come home to Jesus!
Guy #2: By the way, just so you know, the rest of us all think you're fucking nuts!
--St. Marks between 2nd & 3rd
overheard by: tourist girl
A Naked Shitflinger is Our Second-Best Customer
Security guy: You missed all the action!
Tailor guy: You mean the guy who defecated in the dressing room and then ran around here wearing just his shoes and a sweater? I'm the one who called you about it, young man! I was hiding over by the
stairs. Did you kick him out?
Security guy: No...you see, he's not "all there" in the head.
Tailor guy: Really? He looked quite sane to me!
--Syms, Trinity Place
Overheard by: Ben Lunsford
Wednesday One-liners Mispronounce Zoology
Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form...
--34th & 8th
Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I'm a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!
--42nd & Lexington
Suit on cell: I can't wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt Murdock
Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny...so I thought of you.
--Washington Square
Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it's a bulldog.
--West 4th & Cornelia
Overheard by: Raphael
Girl: I've never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.
--71st & 1st
Guy: ...yes, I'm going to put that in my octopus.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Jenny + Pete
Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.
--1st & 1st
Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it's over. I'll throw worms on his ass if I have to.
--Fordham Road
Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It'll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don't have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.
--D train
Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin
Insane NYC Scenes
A man throws a paper coffee cup on the ground, walks a few steps, then shouts: Clean that shit up!
--45th & 6th
A bag lady approaches a stranger and says: You gotta stop lyin' to people.
--110th & Broadway
Bird's Eye for the Straight Guy
Man digging through trash can: Hey, this shirt isn't bad. I could use it for my bird.
--Spring St.
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
Wednesday One-liners Flip Channels
Guy on pay phone: Hey Tom, it's Jerry.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matthew Suss
She's Going to Transfer to Bellevue
Woman: ...get on the bus because I'm running late for work.
Crazy lady: I don't give a rat's ass if you're late for work! I don't care if you get to work and your boss punches you in the face and breaks your nose! I have the right to look for a seat!
Bus: ...
Crazy lady storms off the next bus.
Woman: Every day she does that. I can't take it anymore.
--X37 bus
Stupid Answers to Snappy Questions
Guy: Make your own ammonium nitrate! Ask me how!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
A Lot of Buddhists Like That Film for Some Reason
Man in Jews for Jesus t-shirt sits while well-dressed young man across from him unbuttons shirt, takes out black marker, and writes 'Buddhist 4 Mohammed' on his undershirt, standing and aggressively staring down Jew for Jesus.
Buddhist guy: Give me zee money, Lebowski! I fucks you up! We want zee money, Lebowski! Give us zee money or we fucks you up! [Steps to the left, and in a different German accent] Ya, give us zee money, Lebowski. My girlfriend cut off her toe 'cause she thought we would get zee money. Iss not fair.
Jew for Jesus: [Silent, calm.]
Buddhist guy calmly sits back down and buttons his shirt, turning to small Hispanic boy next to him: And that's where babies come from.
--6 train
Out of Towners: Meet the Black Israelites
Black Israelite: I blame all our problems on white people, you fucking cock-sucking slave owners. My kippa brothers are gonna get you, you hear me?! They gon' get you.
--125th St. & 4th Ave.
Overheard by: Ting
Spring is in the Air (Alongside TB)
Hobo #1: I love you.
Hobo #2: Get the fuck out of here.
Hobo #1: What?
Hobo #2: You are going to fuck with me and you are going to get yourself hurt. I mean it!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: bebe
Spinach and the Insane
Nut: The original voice of Popeye was Allen Swift.
Patron: Allen Swift, huh?
Nut: You don't believe me.
Patron: No, I'm just, um, impressed that you know so much about Popeye.
--Museum of Television and Radio
That Doesn't Sound Like Aramaic
Yarmulke guy: Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista! Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista!
Woman: Do you think he's Orthodox?
Man: He's Orthodox crazy.
--G train
Overheard by: quitecontrarian
It's a Down Payment Toward Freeing Those Pesky Alien Ghosts
A tourist stops in front of the Free Stress Test table.
Tourist lady: How much for the stress test?
Scientologist guy: 8 bucks.
--Times Square station
Wednesday One-liners Like Cuckoo Clocks
Crazy guy: Pawns and shields. Pawns and shields and a meal ticket. That's all kids are good for.
--L train
Overheard by: Thomas Byrd
The Infinite Crisis of Wednesday One-liners
Man on cell: If it weren't for the soap suds I wouldn't have super-powers.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Marc Dombrowski
Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he'll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say "Good-bye" to Sri Lanka!
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Edwin Lam
Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don't look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don't need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.
--6 train
Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
--L train
Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz
Drunk old Black guy: ...people, we got these rhythms... rhythms that just don't connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no...we can't. That's what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can't dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.
--13th & 6th
Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y'all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!
--Port Authority
Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
--M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner
Wednesday One-liners Sit on the Throne
Woman on cell: Hold on, I have to juggle, I'm pushing a stroller, walking the dog and holding a big bag of poop.
--189th & Broadway
If Only He Could See What He Was Saying
A blind Black man with a Star of David is holding court.
Black man: The Pope is a faggot. They molested my kids. I want to go to church, but I can't because they molested my kids...now all White people are faggots.
Hispanic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Silence, you will wait until I have finished speaking...can't no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That's why we all in prison and they trying to kill us, but we will kill them. Can't nobody sing like Luther Vandross.
Hispanic guy #1: But--
Black man: Wait until I have finished...now the Hispanic people, like Dominicans and Cubans are also the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel...now you may address me.
Hispanic guy #2: What about Black Puerto Ricans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can't stand Black Puerto Ricans!
--West Farms bus stop, The Bronx
That Can and Will Be Used Against Him
Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I'm back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It's hard to piss out your stomach when they're tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.
--Central booking, Centre Street
Overheard by: the holding cell across from them
Girl, You'll Be a Latter-day Saint Soon
Crazy lady: You some kinda rabbi or something? What are you?
Uncrazy chick: What?
Crazy lady: What ethnicity are you?
Uncrazy chick: Uh, Mormon.
Crazy lady: Woman?
--98th & West End
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Sure It Does!...Just Nothing Interesting
Crazy lady: Canada doesn't do this. You see this? You see this open gate blocking the sidewalk? Canada would never do this. This would never happen in Canada. Look at all these garbage bags on the side of the street. Now, that's glamorous. Real glamorous. This would never happen in Toronto. Canada would never do this. Hey, you! Canada doesn't do this.
Guy: Canada doesn't do a lot of things.
--12th Street between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Cari
Chef Boyardee Raped My Family
Girl #1: He was a great cook.
Girl #2: All the lunatics are, my dear.
--Vermicelli, 78th & 2nd
NYers: Should People Eat Children?
Woman: Don't let your personal freedoms infringe on other people's rights!
Girl: Who is she talking to?...Holy shit, I love crazy people.
--40th & Broadway
Yuppie chick #1: Pork, it's the other other white meat.
Yuppie chick #2: No you idiot, that's baby. Pork is just the other white meat.
--Bryant Park
Nah, He Never Needs to Transfer
God Squad lady: Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!
Girl: Well, is he going to be getting off the S train? 'Cause I'll just meet him there.
--Port Authority
Someone Needs to Go to the Learning Annex
Man: Watch where you're going.
Woman: Why don't you get out of the way?
Man: Fuck you, lady.
Woman: You come from the land of yonder where animals exist!
--23rd Street F station
Overheard by: jill Bee
Now That You Mention It...
Crazy Old Lady: I can't do it. What could I do? Do you want to kill me?
--Bensonhurst
Where Are They Now?: Dr. Laura
Bag lady: Can you spare some change?
Woman: No, I'm sorry.
Bag lady: Is that your boyfriend? Lose him.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Husband.
Crossing Delancey (A NYC Short Story)
I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: ...and when I don't take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don't like to take it because it makes me feel different...New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they'll say "Hi" back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared.
Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him.
Crazy man: This city's full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks.
He looks at me and says: They're all rude or scared. Scared that you'll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean?
I don't answer and am looking away from him.
Crazy man: See! See! Rude...scared.
He opens a NY Post.
Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though?
I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you're being followed?
--Delancey Street station
Overheard by: Matt
They Went in Through the Back Door
Crazy lady: They schtole my teef, too!
Hipster guy: Really? How did they get in there to take them?
--L train
Overheard by: emdashes
I'm Michael Malice, and I Overheard This Message
Strand Guy: Hey, John! How are you?
John: Seven days, man. Seven days.
Strand Guy: Hopefully the world will be safe for democracy.
John: I dunno. Halliburton has some no bid contracts.
Strand Guy: You believe that?!
John: Yeah.
--Strand Basement
Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners
Teen boy: "Romanian"? What's that, Italian?
--N train
Tuesday One-liners...Psyche!
Crazy man: Psychology that! You know how to fuck the devil, but you don't know how to use your fuckin' mind!
--St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Leela Corman
Wednesday One-liners Are Pastafarians
Man: ...and then she's gon' ask me, "How was church?" I'm like, get the fuck outta here. How many times have I asked her to go to Goddamn church with me? Every fuckin' Sunday, I ask that bitch to go to Goddamn church with me. Never! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, "How was fuckin' church?".
--Sephora, 19th & 5th
Overheard by: yassira diggs
Mormon guy: So last time I was here, I was trying to get to Columbia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, "I can't believe I'm the only white person here!" And sure enough, I was the only white person there. I mean, I was wearing a tie!
--flight into JFK
Woman: Oh boy, you are in trouble girl. Jesus says to come over here right now. Jesus says come over here now!
--Brooklyn Museum
Guy: So I really need your advice. My wife was driving on the LIE, and she had a vision from God telling her to sleep with this other guy, so she did. Well, I finally got her to move back in with me, but now she says I'm full of shit and everything I say is a lie. I really want to work this out with her, you know?
--Penn Station
God Squad guy: I love all y'all in the name of Jesus, 'cause I got Jesus! I'm blessed, you're stressed. I'm anointed, you're disappointed!
--4 train
Overheard by: saltylips
God Squad woman: Here come da Jesus, fire from his mouth!
--1st Avenue L station
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Girl: Jesus there's like a restaurant every two feet here.
--46th between 8th & 9th
Man: ...come to think about it, my grandfather was in charge of the marshmallow burning during Joan of Arc's burning, so I guess it's in my heritage!
--45th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Alex Venguer
Clothes Make the Wednesday One-liners
Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Ron Caldwell
Boxes and Boxes of Cocoa Puffs
Old woman: Have you seen Charlie?
Guy: No..he said he was gonna check himself into the hospital, and probably stay for a long time.
Old woman: Because I have some food for him...Now Patrick, have you seen Charlie? I have some food for him.
Old man: Charlie done checked hisself into the psycho ward for two months.
Old woman: I guess I gotta throw the food out then.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Heiny Kleist
He's Crazy Because She's Totally a 7
Girl: One pack of Parliament Lights.
Vendor guy: You 18?
Girl: Well, I'm actually 22.
Crazy guy: Girly, you look like you are 10...but it's okay. I like that.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley Graffeo
Even a Penny Helps Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: What the fuck? Why's the train so crowded? Used ta be between 9 and 5 the train'd be empty. Don't anybody fucking have a job anymore?
--N train
Hobo: I had to go all over the goddamn world. Canarsie! Staten Island! Jersey City! Timbuktu!
--65th between 2nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: I have closed my windows. I have pulled my curtains. I have put up my air conditioner...and now you will lock down block 340 like you will lock down every other block in the city of New York, the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and to some extent Connecticut, but not all of Connecticut.
--4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Drunk hobo: I have a lottery ticket. My father played the lottery every week. Must've had about a hundred fucking tickets. What if I find out I won and I'm on the subway? No one's getting away. I'm taking down everyone's number. We're going to dinner. Your family too. No cousins.
--N train
Drunk hobo with megaphone: Don't ride the trains! Those a-rabs are going to blow this thing up! It's gonna be bloody! Those a-rabs and the black men from north Africa!
--A train
Old hobo: ...and there's a girl in the well. And he got a dog! You seen dat shit?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: K-Na
Hobo: I ain't got no money, but I got the honey, just for the women, not the men. And I ain't no one minute man, ain't no three minute man. I'm a one-hour man!
--4 train
Overheard by: eb
It's Kind of Like 666, But More Efficient
Crazy woman: 66?
Guy: Huh?
Crazy woman: 66?
Guy: Are you asking if it's 66th Street?
Crazy woman: Do you speak english?
Guy: ...no...I don't.
--9 train
Overheard by: Petey Mills
That's What We're All Talking About
Middle-aged man: So they say to me, 'Ken, just because you have that gun on us doesn't make you any better than us'.
Friend: Um, yeah.
Middle-aged man: And I said to them, 'That's what I'm talking about, man, that's what I'm talking about!'
--Delancey St.
Overheard by: cityrag.com
I Propose a Series of Experiments to Test the Theory
Scared tourist #1, whispering: Did that crazy guy just say his dick was bigger than my heart?
Scared tourist #2, whispering back: I think he said his dick was bigger than yours.
Crazy guy: I said my dick is bigger than your heart.
--A train
Overheard by: Mike
We've Got Scabs Ready, TWU
Loudspeaker hijacker #1: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. The monkey bit the conductor.
Loudspeaker hijacker #2: Ladies...and gentlemen--Awoo!--please extinguish all crack pipes and prepare for lift off.
--D train
Overheard by: Michael Squeglia
A Pink Triangle of Wednesday One-liners
Crazy man: Why you gotta stick your dick in a man? How can you be a Latin King and stick your dick in a man?
--6 train
Overheard by: Dirt "Chainsaw" Dog
Tell Him New York Wants to Have a Talk
Crazy guy: Hey! How are you?
Lady: Hello.
Crazy guy: This is my Ethiopian friend, we are going to get Osama!
--81st & Columbus
It's Wednesday One-liners, Crazy
Too tan woman: It's the first day in a week that no one has called me a psychopath....yet.
--W. 66th between Broadway and Central Park West
Guy: I thought when I got up I was going to lose control. Then it went away.
--54th between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
Big guy: That girl's a serial killer. She murders men and then leaves panties on their face.
--47th Street & 5th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian
It's Talk Radio, Live!
Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.
--F train
Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections
Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor's office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!
--34th Street station
Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud
Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What'd you think I was going to do?
--Penn Station
Player: Yo, baby. New York's a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?
--34th & 7th
Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!
--4th Street between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.
--Bensonhurst
Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You're not drinking enough milk...from a penis!
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Victor Preuninger
Missing Pieces of Wednesday One-liners
Bald spot chick: I'm bipolar, depressed, and I have a personality disorder, but the doctor says if I quit pulling out my hair he'll change me from twenty-four medicines to nineteen.
--Broadway & 51st
Woman: I don't care how blind you are, you gotta cover your ears when that happens.
--23rd & 7th
Woman: There aren't enough websites for club-thumbs on the internet.
--Midtown office
I Use a Gun Now
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!
--F train, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Milo
Wednesday One-liners' Ark
Crazy lady: We are ready to explain! She, however, will be with the dog...What do you think about that walker-talker? Why don't you go walk and talk!"
--F train
Overheard by: Oh Miss Lauren
Griping About the Priest (A NYC Short Story)
Junk shop owner: No coffee?
Lady #1: We'll have coffee tomorrow. Thursday.
Junk shop owner: Coffee at Starbucks is $5. Special coffee. Why don't you go to your house, then your house, and your house?
Lady #2: Why don't we come here?
Junk shop owner: You pick a date. I'll sell you 4 chairs, $5.
Lady #2: What, you sit on them, they break?
Junk shop owner: We don't sell chairs that break. How many people were in church? 10? I hear he's gonna start counting how many people are going. What are they gonna do, close the church? Doesn't anybody have a hook in the Father, know what's going on?
Lady #1: Nobody goes anymore.
Junk shop owner: He has no activities for the people in the neighborhood! No card parties, no bingo...$150 per kid to make communion! Where the hell do you come off making a price like that?
Lady #2: I never heard of that.
Junk shop owner: Well, you heard it now.
--Carroll Gardens
So That's Where David Horowitz Went
Ranting woman: We should be boycotting products from all those big corporations like Microsoft, and General Motors, and Nike, and--
Hobo: Shut the fuck up before the corporation gets to you and tortures you to death.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ting
"Because if you did, you got me all wet."
Woman: Oh my God?! Did you just pee on me?
Man: I dunno what you're talking about, you crazy.
--NY Public Library, 5th Ave & 40th St.
Overheard by: Sabrina Braswell
Oh, No! You Didn't Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
--14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Good Points Were Made on Both Sides
Crazy crackhead to himself: Bitch! They stole my fucking money! You know they did this one! You just fucking fall asleep and they just jacked me. Fucking cunts. [Undressing] I mean, fucking seriously! I just paid them and I just pass out and they just fucking steal my money. Those fucking asshole cunts. Where the fuck is my stash?!
McDonald's manager: Sir, please put your pants on. There are children around.
--McDonald's near Madison Square Garden
The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round
Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y'all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell 'em you won't be home tonight. Vegas!
--M103 bus
Overheard by: Tina
Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.
--Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing
Overheard by: Jo
Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the...uh...I don't even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?...Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.
--Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave
Overheard by: vegannramember
Wednesday One-liners for English Class
Crazy guy: Fresh! I been made for this. Apostrophes don't count.
--C train
Psychic Wednesday One-liners
Tourist: You can tell it's raining because everybody here has umbrellas.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Joel Guilbert
Nut: I have powers, she has powers, and she knows that I have powers!
--Astor Place
Are You Still Having Fun?
Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.
Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.
Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?
Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.
Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You could definitely be my angels.
Hipster chick #1: Goddammit. They're fucking fairy wings!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
In Order: Decaf, Unicorns, and the Tides
Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I'd tell my mom about them and then a month later they'd get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented.
--2 train
Wednesday One-liners Go Off on Rants
Hobo: Oh shit, baboons. They might bite me. I gotta be careful!
--54th & 7th
Crazy lady: Of course, as you can see, there are Fiddlywumps in there, and that's the number one sign that you should leave the area immediately.
--14th & 7th
Crazy man: You know how da fish swibbles as it follows da current on da waves? It's a baddacudda outta control. Dat's what happens in ya mind. Ya know, da mind waves?
--42nd & 6th
Wheeltard: I'm a fucking genius! I'm a fucking genius! Hitler was amazing, everyone hail Hitler!
--7th Avenue & Grove
Hobo: Man, I'm going to fuckin' Hong Kong. I'm sick of dodging bullets every day.
--110th & Morningside Drive
Overheard by: Laird
Taxi driver: There's too many fucking buses in this city! And they all empty! And now you going to go kill all the Arabs for the gas for the empty fucking buses!
--5th Avenue cab
Overheard by: Megan E.
Crazy guy: Geraldo Rivera and his army. Is his wife in there? Bring her too.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: KJD
Crackhead: I can't get married because first they took the land from the Indians and then they tried to take money from the poor and eliminate races!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Vanessa
They Managed to Shift Him to Screwing the Elderly
Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.
--La Grolla, UWS
At the Dementia Semifinals
Crazy guy: ... And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange -- I own them all... And you invest in them with my peanuts... And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money -- it's all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
"Eccentric Town" to the Wealthier Residents
Man: Do you know what station this is going to?
Passenger #1: Crazy town!
Passenger #2: [Nods.]
Man: [Backs away slowly.]
--Port Washington train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt
Nuts for Wednesday One-liners
Chris Noth: I talked to her for 10 minutes and figured out she was crazy.
--15th & Irving
Overheard by: Ameha Beyene
There Must Be a Good Book to Explain It
Crazy guy: Only God lives forever! You do not understand!
Drunk girl: Sir, would you like a balloon?
Crazy guy: Those balloons are beautiful. You keep them...Only God lives forever! You white people do not understand!
--N train
Overheard by: Lee
How Could This Not Work?
Odd-Looking guy: Attention, humans. I am an angel. An Earth angel. I used to speak on behalf of Jesus Christ, but I have been promoted to be an angel on Earth, to teach others how to become earth angels. I can teach you how to become an Earth angel. I can only teach females.
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: Shira
Thank You! Here's $10
Hobo #1: Spare some change?
Wall Street woman: No, sorry.
Hobo #2: Nice camel toe!
--William & Beaver
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
Wednesday One-liners City Scenes
Man: When I told her I worked for the State of New York she seemed to
lose interest.
--F train
Wait Until Overheard Gets to 2006
Crazy guy: 3 fucking white kids talking to a chink.
Chick #1: Little does he know that's not the most offensive thing we've heard tonight.
Chick #2: Yeah, by comparison it was politically correct.
Chick #1: Yeah, it was kinda a relief.
--4 train
Hobo: This shit happens now! Y2K my ass, the world will end this New Year's Day, 2006! Coming to a theatre near you...
--A train
Overheard by: Nina
Wednesday One-liners Stand for Good Hygiene
Crazy guy: Shaving is so much more important than your cell phone.
--6 train
Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed
Asian guy: She's crazy. She's obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she's hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she's crazy...but she's hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?
--F train
Overheard by: emdashes
Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.
--St. Mark's Place
Shalom, Wednesday One-liners
Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.
--F train
Overheard by: bluesdog
Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don't know. I have to consider it. I'm not super Jewish and he's not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.
--Union Square
Lady: I just don't get smoking, or people who smoke...smoking and bacon; I don't get it.
--UWS elevator
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
It's Way Too Early for Good News
Religious guy: ... And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!
--PATH train
Overheard by: Nick
From The Sensuous Nazi
Girl #1: What would you do if a guy took you to a hotel for Valentine's Day?
Girl #2: I guess I'd be like, 'Oh, how sweet...' Get into bed... Then shove a glass vase up his ass and run away. Naked. If he moved the glass vase would break and tear up his asshole, and he'd be pooping shards of glass out for a week.
--Park Slope
Of Course, I've Only Been Home Twice in the Last Twenty Years
Tourist with map: I don't get it. What's the difference between the dot stations and the circle stations?
Eccentric New Yorker: Oh, I have no idea. I travel by process of elimination. I get out at a station and see where I am until I get to the right place. I've been everywhere. Sheepshead Bay, Kew Gardens...
--Q train
Overheard by: A White Bear
Lunacy Does Deplete Electrolytes
Food cart man: Would like some chicken, miss?
Random crazy lady: Yes, I'll have some Gatorade.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Kathy I.
They're Caught in the Doors
Conductor on loudspeaker: Release the doors. Release the doors now!
Crazy guy, screaming: Release my nuts on your face!
--Queens bound E train
Overheard by: I hope its not my face
Too Bad the Choice Is Not in Our Hands
Chick #1: Fucking aliens, man!
Chick #2: I know. They're in power.
Chick #1: I started to watch X-Files the movie last night. Fucked up shit, dude.
Chick #2: I couldn't watch it after a while.
Chick #1: Fucking government. They are so involved. They know. They know what the fuck is going on.
Chick #2: Oh, I know this. People need to understand -- they want us dead. I should not get started on this. Yo, war of the worlds -- so fucking true.
Chick #1: The aliens are going to fucking come from under ground, and they are just going to tear shit apart!
Chick #2: Stop... We have to sleep soon, and this kind of talk will not help our dreams.
Chick #1: If I'm going to go, I hope it's quick. I don't think I could handle living on a ship and being tortured.
Chick #2: You're right. You are right.
Chick #1: But, yo--
Chick #2: --This is some serious shit! I have been saying this for a long time!
Chick #1: Fuck. Bring the dinosaurs back instead!
Chick #2: You are out of control.
Chick #1: No, no, no. I would rather have T-rex roaming the streets than some lanky, big-eyed motherfucker that can blow you up with its mind!
Chick #2: Okay, you have a point.
Chick #1: See?!
--L train
Overheard by: stephers
From the Trailer for Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille
Woman: You know how those animal people are, though. I mean, I speak to them, though! I've done pigeon rescues and stuff before. I love animals.
Man: Did you ever bury your rats?
Woman: No... I just can't bring myself to do it.
Man: How long has it been? Three years?
Woman: Yeah. They're still in my freezer.
Man: Just bury them already!
Woman: I can't bring myself to do it! They were my favorite!
Man: But they're IN YOUR FREEZER! Why not have them stuffed, then?
Woman: What? No! That would be wacky!
--A train, 207th St
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Uh, Your Urine Is Burning a Hole through the Floor, Ma'am
Thug: Yo... You just pissed your pants.
Woman: You don't think I noticed?! [Continues own conversation nonchalantly.]
--1 train
Overheard by: Maria
Ever Wonder Why They Call the Train Driver a 'Conductor'?
Crazy man: [gibbering]
Sane man: Man, you're crazy.
Crazy man: I'm not crazy. I'm just an instrument out of tune!
--2 train
Overheard by: Claire
Oh, for Chrissake, Alice -- It's Not a Fucking Hymn!
Middle-aged lady: Okay, we're here. Do you want to do this? [Friend shakes head.] Well, you said you wanted to. Come over here with me. This is what we were planning. [Friend doesn't move.] Let's do this now. [Begins to sing] Imagine there's no heaven...
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
Wednesday One-liners Ain't Too Proud to Beg
Hobo: You like rap? I started that shit. I did. I started that rap shit. Way before hip-hop. You don't like rap, you ain't shit.
--4 train
Overheard by: Aaron
It Would Explain Why Her Hands Keep Shaking
Crazy lady: Excuse me. Listen, you got some of that witchcraft put on you.
Old lady: Uh huh, yeah.
Crazy lady: You gotta get that lifted, or those spirits, you know, they be comin' at you, they be on you.
Old lady: Yes.
Crazy lady: All right, take care.
--M86 bus
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...
Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!
--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: Nick Draven
James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times
Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan