Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Customers (Best Of) All Categories > People > Customers
Recent | Best Of
Not Too Hot, Though
Customer, impatiently: Give me an iced coffee. And make it with steamed milk.
Shop assistant: Iced coffee? With steamed milk?
Customer: What, you can't do that? Okay, okay -- make it a regular coffee with steamed milk, then.
--Coffee shop, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Nic Oatridge
What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?
Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.
--Stop & Shop, Long Island City
Overheard by: mshorty
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
Deli Fun
Lady: Let me get a half pound of ham, sliced thin,
Deli guy: Is this thin enough?
Lady: Yeah, so long as I can watch TV through it.
--Bensonhurst
Unless You've Got a Fucking Fairy Godmother
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can't you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma'am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
--Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
We Don't Serve That Here, Redux
Customer: I would like a coffee, a white coffee.
Barista: Excuse me, sir? You'd like...white chocolate in your coffee? We don't do that.
Customer: Mo, I mean...like a black coffee, but with milk...a white coffee?
Barista: Where are you from, sir?
Customer: Near London, in England.
Barista: That's the fourth one today, you English are crazy!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Adrian
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
Self-worship is Still Prayer
Guy: Hey, can I get some cigarettes?
The newsstand man just rocks back and forth mumbling something.
Guy: Excuse me, can I get some cigarettes?!
Newsstand man: ...Yes, sir. Cigarettes. Sorry, I was praying.
Guy: Oh. I thought you were masturbating.
--Times Square newsstand
And Is Your Refrigerator Running?
Customer: Do you have pancetta?
Deli guy: We have white cetta and orange cetta.
Customer: Okay. Do you have prosciutto?
--The Met, Smith St, Brooklyn
There Goes That Young Man's 10-Cent Tip
Old UES lady: We want to split the salad. Can they do that for us?
Waiter, patiently: I'm sorry, we don't split the salads in the kitchen, but I can bring you an extra plate.
Old UES lady: Ugh, I just find that so offensive.
--Candle 79 Restaurant
Overheard by: sypmathetic former waitress
Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?
Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.
--Express, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: I would have to agree
How Could You Not Love This Town?
Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods
Then May I Suggest the Grilled Water?
Woman: Does the breakfast burrito come with fries?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman: Uh-uh. I can't be having a tortilla and potatoes -- I'm working on my pretty.
--Blue Moon, 17th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full
Middle-Aged man: I hope we don't get caught.
Prostitute: Don't worry, I never have.--81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean
Runners-Up:
· "...Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force." - Ingwall
· "Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "He Was Looking For, ''Cause Then We'd Have to Be Punished...'" - alex
· "I've Got My Lucky Condom" - Sheri
· "Is Hugh Grant Considered 'Middle-Aged'?" - Matthew McGuirl
· "My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour" - Lois
· "Skip the Condom. She's Been Tested, Too" - Andy Adelewitz
· "Take Your Father to Work Day" - Sean Mc Grath
Honorable mentions:
· "Charge Me If You Can" - petch
· "If You Can't Beat 'Em (in Public)" - Heather
· "They Were Talking About Their Braces." - Allison
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"Where's the Beef?" or "You Got Beef?" Will Work
Customer: I see barley, but no beef.
Cafeteria worker: The beef has been melted into it.
--MSKCC cafeteria
"...but hold the cheese!"
Server: Oh no, not you again! Whatchoo want?
Customer: 'talian col' cut.
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: I said 'talian col' cut!
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: Damn baby, I want you on it!
Server: Shit, you wouldn't even know what to do with me!
Customer: Damn baby, I eat that shit!
--Bed-Stuy deli
No, We Only Have Pot
Man: Do you sell cannabis?
Florist: Cannabis?
Man: Yeah, it's a plant.
--28th Street
It's a Trap! Buy the Schopenhauer!
Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.
--Barnes & Noble, Broadway between 82nd & 83rd
The Aptly Named Checkout Counter
Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I'm just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it's a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.
Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I'm twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.
--K-Mart, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
You Kooky Capitalists
Customer: Can I pay by debit?
Checkout Hippie: Yes. [laughter]
Customer: Why are you laughing?
Checkout Hippie: Because I thought what you said was funny.
Customer: OK...
--Organic Market, East Village
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
That's Mistress Mayhem to You
Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?
--Gourmet Garage, Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip
Lady: I'm looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I'm vegan. I don't wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don't kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there's a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?
--Forest Hills shoe store
Overheard by: MG
Racist to English Dictionary
Customer: I rescue cats in the Bronx.
Shopgirl: You know sometimes poor families with children that aren't taught well don't know how to treat animals. I wish there was something that could be done about them. You know it's not fair for the animals if they get placed into a bad home like that. If they don't have enough money to take care of their children, how are they going to take care of an animal? And they [sic] don't even treat their children right.
--Purty Girl Boutique, Thompson St.
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
Order Up
Taco Bell Lady: 1 Beef Burrito.
Customer: As in 296? Is that order 296?
Taco Bell Lady: Yeah.
Customer: Are you sure? I don't want to take someone else's.
Taco Bell Lady: Uh huh.
Customer [under his breath]: Do you know where you are?
--Taco Bell, West Village
The Greatest Submission Ever
The cashier hands coupon back to customer.
Customer #1: So the coupon is expired? What does that mean? It's no good?
Customer #2 tells her friend: We should soooo submit this to Overheard.
--Staples, 6th & 23rd
Overheard by: Customer #3, submitting this in case #2 never got around to it.
He Should've Given Her a Break on the Water
Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?
--E 68th & 3rd ave
My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel
Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can't open it.
Guy: It's already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I'm not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it's open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can't open it.
3 minutes of this ensue.
Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?
--Sunnyside post office
Just tell him "PLUCK U"! It's the name of your fucking store!
Crazy customer: So you're the manager?
Manager: That's right.
Crazy customer: OK, then I needed to talk to you. Now, I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble. But this order is for my boss and she's a flat out bitch.
Manager: OK...
Crazy customer: The last time I was here, I ordered your boneless wings. And I got buffalo wings.
Manager: Wow, I'm sorry about that.
Crazy customer: Then I've got to go back to the office and hear about it. And your man there wasn't being helpful at all.
Manager: Well, try to put yourself in his shoes. Sometimes things get really busy and you can get swamped being the only guy at the register, and maybe you're not as polite as you should be.
Crazy customer: I worked at Wendy's, McDonald's AND Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Junction. I took a lot of crap from general managers.
Manager: Right.
Crazy customer: If someone wanted their sandwich upside down, that's how I gave it to them. I got buffalo wings and then I've got to eat it. I don't want them!
Manager: Well, here's your order. Thanks for saying something.
Crazy customer: So this is ten boneless wings?
Manager: Yes.
Crazy customer: Thanks. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. It's just that I'm going to hear it from her if it's wrong, and she's a bitch. She just called me and she wanted me to get her to downtown Brooklyn in an hour. Excuse me? Do I have a rocketship?
Manager: Right, right.
Crazy customer: So these aren't buffalo wings, right?
Manager: Ten boneless wings with bleu cheese.
--Pluck U., East Village
Not Giving The Elderly Their Medicine Is Better
Nutty Old Bat: 90 bucks for my pills? I don't have that kind of money with me. You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am, that's the price and we need your prescription.
Nutty Old Bat: I don't have my prescription. I'm coming from the emergency room! How much for a pill? I need it. I haven't had a pill since this morning.
Pharamacist: I can't get you one pill. I need your prescription. Just get one and come back tomorrow.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am. I can't help you.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that!
Pharmacist: Have a good day ma'am.
Nutty Old Bat: Unbelievable! She doesn't want to do better than that!
--Bryant Park Duane Reade
Overheard by: Felson Sajonas
Well, Those Are the Two Options
Chick: So, you're working here now?
Barista guy: Well, had they taught me karate from a young age like they were supposed to I would be fighting shoguns in Japan right now.
--Park Slope coffee shop
Overheard by: kendell chambers
Trust Us, Einstein: The Girl's On To You, See?
Man: I want to change my access code. My girl's got my access code and I don't want her to have it no more. I don't want her seeing my messages, see?
Customer service lady: OK. But that's a Sprint phone.
Man: So?
Woman: This is the Verizon store.
Man: Oh. Really?
--Verizon, 86th between Lexington & 3rd
Overheard by: Carolyn
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I'll have a twelve-inch wheat --
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um... twelve inches. Isn't that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you're missing something here.
--Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
The Acting's a Real Killer
Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn't there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it's in stock. But that's one of our most shoplifted items.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Why Isn't Blood Red an Easter Color?
Woman: Oh, look at these.
Man: They're Easter colors.
Woman: I thought they were Shrek colors.
--Staples, Vesey & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan
Well, Alexander Hamilton Is My Idol
Storeworker: Can't you at least pick up what you dropped?
Customer: I can't bend. I have a bad back.
Storeworker: Why don't you pretend it's a ten dollar bill? Bet you'd dive pretty quick for that, wouldn't you?
--Marshall's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Bait and Switch
Customer: I'd like a bagel with Honey Walnut cream cheese.
Cashier: No Honey Walnut. Strawberry.
Customer: Is there anything besides Strawberry that's sweet?
Cashier: We have Vegetable. But that's not sweet.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Bensonhurst
Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"
Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?
--Penn Station
We Don't Serve That Here
Customer: A hot coffee, please.
Cashier: Huh?
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
"Yeah, all those kids look alike."
Asian guy: I want to spike my hair.
White guy: So grow out the sides and spike the whole thing.
Asian guy: What do I look like, one of those Dragon Ball Z kids in Chinatown?
--Office, Old Slip
Overheard by: Kevz