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Not Too Hot, Though
Customer, impatiently: Give me an iced coffee. And make it with steamed milk.
Shop assistant: Iced coffee? With steamed milk?
Customer: What, you can't do that? Okay, okay -- make it a regular coffee with steamed milk, then.
--Coffee shop, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Nic Oatridge
What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?
Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.
--Stop & Shop, Long Island City
Overheard by: mshorty
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
Deli Fun
Lady: Let me get a half pound of ham, sliced thin,
Deli guy: Is this thin enough?
Lady: Yeah, so long as I can watch TV through it.
--Bensonhurst
Unless You've Got a Fucking Fairy Godmother
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can't you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma'am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
--Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
We Don't Serve That Here, Redux
Customer: I would like a coffee, a white coffee.
Barista: Excuse me, sir? You'd like...white chocolate in your coffee? We don't do that.
Customer: Mo, I mean...like a black coffee, but with milk...a white coffee?
Barista: Where are you from, sir?
Customer: Near London, in England.
Barista: That's the fourth one today, you English are crazy!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Adrian
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
Self-worship is Still Prayer
Guy: Hey, can I get some cigarettes?
The newsstand man just rocks back and forth mumbling something.
Guy: Excuse me, can I get some cigarettes?!
Newsstand man: ...Yes, sir. Cigarettes. Sorry, I was praying.
Guy: Oh. I thought you were masturbating.
--Times Square newsstand
And Is Your Refrigerator Running?
Customer: Do you have pancetta?
Deli guy: We have white cetta and orange cetta.
Customer: Okay. Do you have prosciutto?
--The Met, Smith St, Brooklyn
There Goes That Young Man's 10-Cent Tip
Old UES lady: We want to split the salad. Can they do that for us?
Waiter, patiently: I'm sorry, we don't split the salads in the kitchen, but I can bring you an extra plate.
Old UES lady: Ugh, I just find that so offensive.
--Candle 79 Restaurant
Overheard by: sypmathetic former waitress
Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?
Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.
--Express, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: I would have to agree
How Could You Not Love This Town?
Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods
Then May I Suggest the Grilled Water?
Woman: Does the breakfast burrito come with fries?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman: Uh-uh. I can't be having a tortilla and potatoes -- I'm working on my pretty.
--Blue Moon, 17th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full
Middle-Aged man: I hope we don't get caught.
Prostitute: Don't worry, I never have.--81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean
Runners-Up:
· "...Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force." - Ingwall
· "Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "He Was Looking For, ''Cause Then We'd Have to Be Punished...'" - alex
· "I've Got My Lucky Condom" - Sheri
· "Is Hugh Grant Considered 'Middle-Aged'?" - Matthew McGuirl
· "My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour" - Lois
· "Skip the Condom. She's Been Tested, Too" - Andy Adelewitz
· "Take Your Father to Work Day" - Sean Mc Grath
Honorable mentions:
· "Charge Me If You Can" - petch
· "If You Can't Beat 'Em (in Public)" - Heather
· "They Were Talking About Their Braces." - Allison
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"Where's the Beef?" or "You Got Beef?" Will Work
Customer: I see barley, but no beef.
Cafeteria worker: The beef has been melted into it.
--MSKCC cafeteria
"...but hold the cheese!"
Server: Oh no, not you again! Whatchoo want?
Customer: 'talian col' cut.
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: I said 'talian col' cut!
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: Damn baby, I want you on it!
Server: Shit, you wouldn't even know what to do with me!
Customer: Damn baby, I eat that shit!
--Bed-Stuy deli
No, We Only Have Pot
Man: Do you sell cannabis?
Florist: Cannabis?
Man: Yeah, it's a plant.
--28th Street
It's a Trap! Buy the Schopenhauer!
Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.
--Barnes & Noble, Broadway between 82nd & 83rd
The Aptly Named Checkout Counter
Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I'm just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it's a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.
Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I'm twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.
--K-Mart, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
You Kooky Capitalists
Customer: Can I pay by debit?
Checkout Hippie: Yes. [laughter]
Customer: Why are you laughing?
Checkout Hippie: Because I thought what you said was funny.
Customer: OK...
--Organic Market, East Village
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
That's Mistress Mayhem to You
Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?
--Gourmet Garage, Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip
Lady: I'm looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I'm vegan. I don't wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don't kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there's a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?
--Forest Hills shoe store
Overheard by: MG
Racist to English Dictionary
Customer: I rescue cats in the Bronx.
Shopgirl: You know sometimes poor families with children that aren't taught well don't know how to treat animals. I wish there was something that could be done about them. You know it's not fair for the animals if they get placed into a bad home like that. If they don't have enough money to take care of their children, how are they going to take care of an animal? And they [sic] don't even treat their children right.
--Purty Girl Boutique, Thompson St.
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
Order Up
Taco Bell Lady: 1 Beef Burrito.
Customer: As in 296? Is that order 296?
Taco Bell Lady: Yeah.
Customer: Are you sure? I don't want to take someone else's.
Taco Bell Lady: Uh huh.
Customer [under his breath]: Do you know where you are?
--Taco Bell, West Village
The Greatest Submission Ever
The cashier hands coupon back to customer.
Customer #1: So the coupon is expired? What does that mean? It's no good?
Customer #2 tells her friend: We should soooo submit this to Overheard.
--Staples, 6th & 23rd
Overheard by: Customer #3, submitting this in case #2 never got around to it.
He Should've Given Her a Break on the Water
Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?
--E 68th & 3rd ave
My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel
Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can't open it.
Guy: It's already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I'm not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it's open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can't open it.
3 minutes of this ensue.
Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?
--Sunnyside post office
Just tell him "PLUCK U"! It's the name of your fucking store!
Crazy customer: So you're the manager?
Manager: That's right.
Crazy customer: OK, then I needed to talk to you. Now, I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble. But this order is for my boss and she's a flat out bitch.
Manager: OK...
Crazy customer: The last time I was here, I ordered your boneless wings. And I got buffalo wings.
Manager: Wow, I'm sorry about that.
Crazy customer: Then I've got to go back to the office and hear about it. And your man there wasn't being helpful at all.
Manager: Well, try to put yourself in his shoes. Sometimes things get really busy and you can get swamped being the only guy at the register, and maybe you're not as polite as you should be.
Crazy customer: I worked at Wendy's, McDonald's AND Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Junction. I took a lot of crap from general managers.
Manager: Right.
Crazy customer: If someone wanted their sandwich upside down, that's how I gave it to them. I got buffalo wings and then I've got to eat it. I don't want them!
Manager: Well, here's your order. Thanks for saying something.
Crazy customer: So this is ten boneless wings?
Manager: Yes.
Crazy customer: Thanks. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. It's just that I'm going to hear it from her if it's wrong, and she's a bitch. She just called me and she wanted me to get her to downtown Brooklyn in an hour. Excuse me? Do I have a rocketship?
Manager: Right, right.
Crazy customer: So these aren't buffalo wings, right?
Manager: Ten boneless wings with bleu cheese.
--Pluck U., East Village
Not Giving The Elderly Their Medicine Is Better
Nutty Old Bat: 90 bucks for my pills? I don't have that kind of money with me. You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am, that's the price and we need your prescription.
Nutty Old Bat: I don't have my prescription. I'm coming from the emergency room! How much for a pill? I need it. I haven't had a pill since this morning.
Pharamacist: I can't get you one pill. I need your prescription. Just get one and come back tomorrow.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am. I can't help you.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that!
Pharmacist: Have a good day ma'am.
Nutty Old Bat: Unbelievable! She doesn't want to do better than that!
--Bryant Park Duane Reade
Overheard by: Felson Sajonas
Well, Those Are the Two Options
Chick: So, you're working here now?
Barista guy: Well, had they taught me karate from a young age like they were supposed to I would be fighting shoguns in Japan right now.
--Park Slope coffee shop
Overheard by: kendell chambers
Trust Us, Einstein: The Girl's On To You, See?
Man: I want to change my access code. My girl's got my access code and I don't want her to have it no more. I don't want her seeing my messages, see?
Customer service lady: OK. But that's a Sprint phone.
Man: So?
Woman: This is the Verizon store.
Man: Oh. Really?
--Verizon, 86th between Lexington & 3rd
Overheard by: Carolyn
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I'll have a twelve-inch wheat --
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um... twelve inches. Isn't that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you're missing something here.
--Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
The Acting's a Real Killer
Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn't there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it's in stock. But that's one of our most shoplifted items.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Why Isn't Blood Red an Easter Color?
Woman: Oh, look at these.
Man: They're Easter colors.
Woman: I thought they were Shrek colors.
--Staples, Vesey & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan
Well, Alexander Hamilton Is My Idol
Storeworker: Can't you at least pick up what you dropped?
Customer: I can't bend. I have a bad back.
Storeworker: Why don't you pretend it's a ten dollar bill? Bet you'd dive pretty quick for that, wouldn't you?
--Marshall's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Bait and Switch
Customer: I'd like a bagel with Honey Walnut cream cheese.
Cashier: No Honey Walnut. Strawberry.
Customer: Is there anything besides Strawberry that's sweet?
Cashier: We have Vegetable. But that's not sweet.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Bensonhurst
Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"
Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?
--Penn Station
We Don't Serve That Here
Customer: A hot coffee, please.
Cashier: Huh?
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
"Yeah, all those kids look alike."
Asian guy: I want to spike my hair.
White guy: So grow out the sides and spike the whole thing.
Asian guy: What do I look like, one of those Dragon Ball Z kids in Chinatown?
--Office, Old Slip
Overheard by: Kevz
"Steamed, if you have it."
Girl: Hi, I'd like a medium iced coffee with lots of ice, skim milk and Equal, please.
Cashier chick: What kind of ice?
--Dunkin' Donuts, Penn Station
Overheard by: devila
It's Ham, Roasted Honey
Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven't really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin....So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It's lunchmeat. You just eat it.
--Greenpoint market
"Yeah, I like to eat out every once in a while."
Coffee guy: Good morning, sir.
Sir: Medium coffee.
Coffee guy: Milk and sugar, sir?
Sir: Yes, please.
Coffee guy: ...you go down, sir?
Sir: Excuse me?
Coffee guy: You go down? Down the town?
--Roach coach, Franklin & Church
Overheard by: Bailey Wier
More Bookstore Fun
Woman: Excuse me, where are the literary journals?
B&N Guy: Them's over there.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
He's Only Happy When It Rains
Male customer: Yeah, give me one of them Win for Life tickets.
Female customer: Is that a good one?
Male customer: Woman, is you crazy? You know they all bad!
--Bodega, 157th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan S.
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung
I'm Saving It for Marriage
Barista: Would you like to try a cappuccino muffin?
Customer: No, thanks. I don't want to start my appetite yet.
--Starbucks, 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cat
Headline by: Mandaliet
Runners-Up:
· "And i don't want to have to shove this down your fucking throat, but i will if... Whoa... Too much soft jazz, if you know what i mean... Sorry." - Mike Chmiel
· "Its Bad Enough My Lungs Keep Breathing" - Chuckie
· "Stomach: Let's Get Ready To Rummmmmmmble!" - Paul K.
· "The first step is admitting you have an appetite." - greg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It Must Have Been Cotton
A chick been caught stealing by security. For some inexplicable reason, they let her yell at them.
Chick: This is not the United States of White-ass Bitches; this is the United States of America.
Chick: I'm owed this shirt because I'm black, bitches. I don't owe nothin' to you white folks. I'm owed this shirt because of slavery.
--Banana Republic, Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: helen r.
The Customer is Always Dumb
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: Cream cheese?
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: French toast bagel, yes, but did you have cream cheese on it?!
--Au Bon Pain, 44th & Madison
Special Sale on Whipped Cream
Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!
--St. Mark's Gourmet Market, St. Mark's Place
Tragically, the LP Died
Customer: Do you have a recording of Astrud Gilberto singing, "The Girl from Emphysema?"
--Times Square
How Vanilla Ice Cream Becomes a Chocolate Milkshake
Man: This is no good. It's sour. I want one that's fresh.
Employee: I put ice cream and milk.
Man: I don't care what you put in it. Maybe it's the milk, maybe it's the ice cream. You taste it, or bring out a manager to taste it, either way I want one that's fresh.
Employee: You come tomorrow. Speak with manager. Change with him.
Man: So what am I supposed to do? Stick this in my ass until tomorrow?
--Baskin-Robbins, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Jenn Milazzo
Wow, what a dick.
Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won't work for me. My dick's too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I've never seen a customer with that problem. Let's see what else fits your.. you.
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Headline by: jgordon
Runners-Up:
· "A cock and bull story" - Guy
· "Finally, it matters." - Ben Allaire
· "Try to contain yourself" - Jenny
· "We'll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too" - Silvyr
· "Talk about a suspicious package..." - girlhattan
· "Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut" - JB
· "Everybody Wants to Fit In" - Dave Barnette
· "Pop Goes The Weasel" - Paul
· "He has the same problem with hats" - Kendal
· "If she keeps talking like that, they'll fit even worse." - bill
· "Quite a Pickle" - Dave Barnette
· "Speedon't" - Sean McGurr
· "Too big for his britches" - suzie g
· "I am one size fits all" - twosko
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's More of a Reflection on You
Head waiter: I'm sorry sir, but you can't smoke in here.
Cigarette guy: I can't smoke in here? Next thing you'll tell me I can't fuck in the bathroom.
--Cipriani's, 42nd Street
Overheard by: trey constant
Think of It As a Mobile Garnish
Lady #1: Oh, shit! Is that a cockroach?
Manager, yelling to co-worker: Go kill that, quick!
Lady #2: Oh my gawd, that is the biggest cockroach I ever seen.
Lady #1: We better be gettin' some free chicken 'cause of dat shit.
--Popeye's, Myrtle Ave & Broadway, Brooklyn
But It's Covered in Bugs
Clerk: Sir, please check your bag.
Customer #1: The money's in the bag. If you take the bag, I won't spend the money.
Customer #2: Here's my ticket. But I want that bag.
--Forbidden Planet
No, We Don't Sell Dictionaries
Customer: Is that banner going to be permanent?
Cashier: For a little while.
--Forbidden Planet
Have a Happy Kwanzaakkah!
Waiter: Hey, wassup? I'm Sean. What's your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well...'cause, you know, I'm Jewish.
Guy: ...Okay.
Waiter: Uh, 'cause you know, Kwanzaa's a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn't know that.
--Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
Every Wednesday One-Liner Is Sacred
Girl: I mean, I never want to get married. Like... never. But I really want babies. So I guess I'm just going to have a bastard.
--Marquet Cafe, 15 East 12th St
Overheard by: Grace
You Misunderstand the Nature of an Enema
Guy #1: They don't have my supplement here.
Guy #2: Try the health food store.
Guy #1: I would, but every time I go in there that woman tries to clean my aura.
--CVS, Bleecker Street
Treats and Tricks (Happy Halloween)
Queer: Can you hold this shirt for me 'til tomorrow?
Shop trannie: No, we can't put costumes on hold.
Queer: Well, I want to be, like, this Louis XIV go-go boy, and I already got the short shorts and everything, and this shirt would go perfect but I just can't afford it 'til tomorrow.
--Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: sharyn jackson
Girl: Do you have any more slut-nurses?
Counter guy: No, we're all out of slut-nurses, but we have some slut-devils and some slut-flight attendents.
--Ricky's, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
Guy: What's she going as for Halloween?
Girl: A newsie.
Guy: Oh.
Girl: I knew she'd steal my idea, stupid ho-bag.
--Elevator, Water Street Residence
Overheard by: Dan & Travis
Guy: I've always loved this mask, it's so cool.
Girl: Yeah, I guess.
Guy: I mean, I guess I should, considering...
Girl: Right.
Guy: I mean, I was in the movie.
Girl: That was like a decade ago.
Guy: So?
Girl: Yeah, but you were a fucking extra. And you didn't even have a single line.
--Ricky's, 22nd & 3rd
Guy: What is this, All Harlots' Eve?
--3rd Avenue & 8th Street
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
She Has to Rebuff Him Three Times Before Answering the Question
Middle-aged female shopper: Excuse me, can you tell me where the matzoh is?
Fairway employee: Matzoh? I don't know. What is that, a drink?
--Fairway Market, Red Hook, Brooklyn
Highest Maintenance
Anal Man: I want a grilled chicken wrap. But I don't want cheese and I want a little bit of dressing on the bread as you're making it. Some places don't put dressing.
Cashier: We don't put dressing here.
Anal Man: Just a bit of dressing. Not too much.
Cashier: Do you want the combo?
Anal Man: No!
--Ranch 1, Union Square
And Remember Us for All Your Asphyxiation Needs
Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.
--CVS, 25th & 6th
Someone Just Failed the Turing Test
Woman: Hi.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Hi.
Cashier lady: Oh.
The cashier finishes checking the lady out.
Lady: Thanks.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Never mind.
--Fine Fare, Clinton Street
Overheard by: Heather
Not As Much As You Hate Geography...
Employee: Would you like to try a new Portuguese wine?
Customer: I love South American wines!
--Cabrini Wines, Hudson Heights
If He Stabbed Her That Would Be the Perfect Punchline
Black girl: Did you put butter on that bagel?...That's too damn fast to be any good. Hey, hey, don't use that knife, it has egg on it and I do not eat eggs!
Deli guy: This is not eggs. This is cheese.
Black girl: And so what is your point?
--LA cafe, 23rd & 5th
"I'll also take some chardonnay. Here's my prescription."
Customer: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Wine guy: Sure.
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: What?
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: Like...are you asking if it can be eaten by itself?
Customer: Yeah.
--93rd & Broadway liquor store
It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet
Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!
--Macy's men's shoes department
Overheard by: Chris Noland
"...and where's that pepper bar like in your ads?"
Woman: I want a vanilla coffee creme.
Barista chick: I can get you a cup of plain coffee with vanilla
syrup, and you can put the milk in over there. Unless you want a
latte or something?
Woman: What's a latte?
Barista chick: It's espresso with milk.
Woman: Oh, espresso! I think that's a little strong... What about a cappuccino? Do they have those here?
--Starbuck, West 4th Street & Washington Square East
Warning: Cross-dressing has been found to cause cancer in laboratory animals
Customer: I'm looking for a book. The computer said it was in stock when I was here before but it wasn't on the shelf. Can you check to see if it's saying that it's still in stock?
Clerk: Sure.
Customer: It's called Drag Diaries.
Clerk: Yeah, it's saying that there's one in stock but we sold a copy in May. That might be the one we're showing as still in stock.
Customer: Right.
Clerk: It would be in gay studies. You can check again.
Customer: Then do you have anything on crystal healing?
--The Strand
Technically That Means That We Suck
Art Dealer: Have you been following the election? Are you going to vote?
Man: They both suck.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Ray Hannigan
Both, Plus a Touch of LaToya Jackson
Guy: I'm looking for something Onassis-like.
Salesgirl: Jackie or Ari?
--Sunglass Hut, Spring & W Broadway
Overheard by: Bette Davis Eyes
I Only Date Action Figures
Where: Time Square Toys R Us
Cashier: May I have your phone number, starting with the area code, please?
Customer: You're not my type.
But Those Are the Only Presidents We've Had Who Were Related, Right?
Man looks down at Time magazine with Theodore Roosevelt on the cover.
Man: Wait. We had two President Roosevelts? When did that happen?
Supervisor: Yeah. There was, um, [looks at cover] Teddy, and, uh, shit. What was the other one named?
Man: I don't know. Shit, man, history's hard because, you know, there's just so much of it. It's, like, impossible to really understand it, I think.
Supervisor: Yeah, that's true.
--K-Mart, 9th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: appalled customer buying swim trunks
8 Million People Bitching About 8 Degree Weather
Lady Patron: It's freezing outside.
Man behind counter: Let's move to Florida!
Lady Patron: No, thank you.
--Coffee Shop, Hudson & King Street
Only Dead Pimps Give Up The Bling
Dude: Do you guys sell bling?
Store guy: All the way in the back, under the skeleton pimp.
--Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Hank Luxford
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Chick: Ugh! These aren't even cold! I can't believe this! Who's the manager? I said, who's the manager? Well, where is he?
Deli guy: Uh, over there.
Chick: Look! Look at these drinks! How do you expect me to drink these? They aren't even cold!
Manager guy: We just put them in there.
Chick: I don't care! I want a cold drink now!
Manager guy: I'm sorry you're upset but it's very hot today and we're selling drinks faster than we can restock them.
Chick: I don't care! I expect you to find me something cold to drink!
--Marche Madison, 74th & Madison
Overheard by: sarahg
Chick on cell: So, when are you going to watch the fireworks? Like, in the evening?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Andy Travis
This Might Have Continued Indefinitely Had It Not Been for the Robbery
Customer: Hi, I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: We're out of roast beef.
Customer: A ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: I told you, there's no roast beef.
Customer, slower: A sandwich with ham and cheese?
Deli worker: But there's no roast beef.
--Broadway & Exchange
And It Wears Off in Six Hours!
Toy soldier doorman: Sorry, sir, the store is closing and we're not letting anyone else in.
Guy: But I have an enormous expense account!
--FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: Dugan Hayes
Now That's More Like It
Woman: Guess what? I just saw one of the Golden Girls on my way
here.
Hairqueer: Oh really? Which one?
Woman: I don't know. She was the flirty one on the show. I guess
she was the prettiest one...
Hairqueer: Oh, Rue McClanahan! I've done her hair.
--Hair Salon, 47th & Lexington
I'll Take 36 Inches of Rice, Please
Woman: How's the paella?
Waitress: It's good. It comes with clams and the whole nine yards.
--Panchito's, Macdougal St.
Nothing Healthier Than Being Unable to Start a Fire
Dude: Do you have any matches?
Shop guy: Buddy, this is a health store, I sure hope we don't have any matches.
Dude: Oh...yeah...I guess you are right.
--Matany Health Food, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jason B.
What Arthur Got Was More of an Expectoresso
Customer: I'll have a large espresso.
Barista: Coffee?
Customer: No, black tar heroin!
Barista: Right away, sir.
--Starbucks, Staten Island
Furthermore, What the Fuck Are Trousers?
Customer: Do you think this shirt would match with these trousers?
Sales guy: Don't ask me. I'm color blind.
--Urban Outfitters, Broadway
Overheard by: Gladys M
Sounds Likes Quails Makes for Easy Shoplifting
Store guy: I don't get it. If I lost my kid for 5 minutes I'd be crazy.
Customer man: You'd be hysterical. You'd be a madman.
Store guy: Meanwhile, the kid must have been in the store for 45 minutes before I noticed him!
--Quails, SI mall
... You Deluded Fatbag
Customer: I'd like to return this shirt. It fits me just right, but the tag says 'Large,' and I don't wear a size Large.
Returns person: Okay, no problem.
--H&M, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
France Just Seems Small, Because It's So Easy to Conquer
Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you're Greek.
Waitress: No, that's my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you're from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It's the former USSR. It's between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It's not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It's the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you'd better.
--Diner, Park Slope
Is That Mayonnaise in Your Coffee?
Middle-aged white lady: What are you trying to do? You are so rude! I can't believe you! I am going to get you fired!
Clerk: [Silence.]
Middle-aged white lady, to entire line: Can you believe these people? They are so rude! I can't believe they are trying to short me my coffee! It's unbelievable!
Young black man: Stop being so white.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Atlantic & 4th, Brooklyn
Now I Don't Think I Can Finish My Meal
Girl to friend: Man, every time I pass this place the people sitting outside talk shit about me.
Outdoor customer to friend: Check out those ugly boots.
--13th & 3rd
Yeah, Sure, Whatever. It's My Turn to Bring Them to Work
Customer: I'll take four glazed, and you pick the others.
Donut guy: So, fill up the rest with stale ones?
--Dunkin Donuts, Chambers & Church
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
That 's Up to You, Sir
Cranky old guy looking at belts: Is this real fucking leather?!
Pakistani vendor: Yes, sir. It is real fucking leather.
Ethnically ambiguous 20-ish male: Are these real fucking hats?
--St. Mark's Pl, between 3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: MC Sluttner
Where Can I Get Some of That, by the Way?
Bodega guy: What do you want?
Redneck: Camel Lights. Hard pack.
Bodega guy: $6.95.
Redneck: What? You fuckin' kiddin' me? That's higher than a giraffe's pussy!
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Marc
Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her
Customer: How you doin'?
Postal worker: I'm working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it's better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.
--Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex
Like Being Pummeled by Thousands of Tiny Penises
Salesman demonstrating massager on self: It's supposed to be heavy so that the weight of it helps massage your shoulders.
Middle-aged woman, unimpressed: What about that one?
Salesman, picking up new massager: This is a vibrator.
Middle-aged woman: [Stunned silence.]
Salesman: Uh, I mean, it operates using vibration -- the first one's called a percussion massager. It's just a... different type of massager.
--Brookstone, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: she didn't buy either one
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
Where Lawyers Come From
Spazzed customer: Yo, dude, I need something to help me concentrate. I have to take a really big test and then I can forget it all. I have to take the bar -- have you heard of that? It's for being a lawyer.
Employee: Um, well, we have this herbal product to increase the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed customer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Employee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed customer: Great. You take credit cards?
Employee: Yeah.
Spazzed customer: Great, thanks [leaves the store without buying anything].
--GNC, Astoria
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
Pssst! -- I Think He Means "Beef Cheeks"
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat do you want?
Asian customer: Wedgie!
Chipotle guy: Spiced pork?
Asian customer: Vegetable!
--Chipotle, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: I just wanted chicken
NewsFlash: Woman Buying Rolling Paper Has Memory Loss. Film at 11.
Lady buying cigarette paper: When did the price go up to $1.25?!
Cashier: Three months ago... And you've asked me every day since.
--Blue Diner Deli, 92nd & 1st
Overheard by: Karen Bernstein
I Hate These Clown Shoes!
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I'm trying to quit!
--McDonald's, Queens College
From JC Penney to Stardom Was Just A Hop, Skip, and a Jump for RuPaul
Little boy: Ewww...ewww....
Mom: Stop saying ewww..those are bras..
Little boy: I hate bras
Mom: Don't say that, you'll change your mind when you gets older.
--JC Penney lingerie department, Queens
Overheard by: a fellow shopper
Got any Doritos?
Barista girl: Here's your cappuccino.
Customer girl: I asked for a cafe au lait.
Barista girl: No, you said 'cappuccino.'
Costumer girl: No, I said 'cafe au lait'
Barista girl: Oh, You're right. I'm probably just out of it.
Barista girl to coworker: I'm sorry, I'm high.
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: Aryn
He's Talking About Blast Radius
Nosy customer: So what are you from, Germany?
Guy with accent: No, Austria.
Nosy customer: Ha, close enough.
Guy with accent: Err, no, not really.
--Ess-a-Bagel
Overheard by: Chris
Lunacy Does Deplete Electrolytes
Food cart man: Would like some chicken, miss?
Random crazy lady: Yes, I'll have some Gatorade.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Kathy I.
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
If So, You Should Take My Dad's Card
Father: Will you be in tomorrow?
Techie #1: Unfortunately, no, sir.
Father: Well, then who will I yell at if anything goes wrong with the computer?
Techie #2: You could always yell at me, sir!
Daughter, uncertain: ... Do you... like to be yelled at?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff
Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god... I'm sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but...
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?
--The Shake Shack
Overheard by: craig and cory
I Did, for Christ's Sake!
Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know -- are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay... I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don't know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th -- first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.
--J&R Music, City Hall
Overheard by: Hugh
Yeah, We've Got That
Employee: Welcome to Staples! Can I help you find something?
Lucky guy: Yeah, actually -- staples.
--Staples, Union Square
Schrodinger: I'll Take It! It's for My Cat
Woman: Will this skirt shrink in the dryer?
Saleswoman: I don't know if it'll shrink. My friend said that in her experience it probably won't. But sometimes it does. It depends. There's no way to know. It either will, or it won't.
--Macy's
Overheard by: SDP
It's Because I Ate All the Bananas
Salesgirl: How'd you get that bruise?
Customer: I was jumproping and I fell.
Salesgirl: Aren't you a little old to be jumproping?
Customer: Aren't you a little fat to be working at The Gap?
--The Gap, 48th & 6th
What Wine Goes with That?
Customer: I'm not really much of a meateater. What would you recommend?
Waiter: Another restaurant.
--Peter Luger Steakhouse, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Wednesday Dropped Her Flair
Man: Oh my god, there's a spider in my salad.
Woman: What? That's not a spider.
Man: Well, it's either a spider or four pubic hairs tied together in a knot, neither of which I am willing to consume.
--T.G.I. Friday's, East 42nd Street
Overheard by: StephGold
NYC Rules Require This to Continue Until the First "Fuck You"
Chubby girl customer: So, no fights in here today?
Middle-aged sandwich artist: What happened to you?
Chubby girl customer: I was scared to come back after last time!
Middle-aged sandwich artist: No, I mean, you're gaining weight.
--Subway sandwich shop, Times Square
Overheard by: Emma
This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken
Waiter: Excuse me, sir -- can you finish up your coffee? We're closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It's only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.
--Coffee shop, 20th & 1st
Overheard by: PJ
FTC to Weigh in on K-Y / Land O'Lakes Merger
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It's better and it's cheaper.
--Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
You Owe Us $500. So, Yes.
Client: You don't abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.
--Animal clinic, Queens
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
The News Said E was the new H
Counter Guy: K...K...K!...Okay, turkey and brie!
Customer #1: That's not K, that's H.
Customer #2: H is the new K.
--Liberty Deli, W. 56th St.
Overheard by: Steve
If I Were a Rich... Motherfucker! Ya Ha Deedle Deedle... Shit!
Customer: That guy? He was in a production of Fiddler on the Roof with me!
Bartender: Really? I thought he had Tourette's!
Customer: Oh, he does.
--Bar, 14th St & 7th Ave
Best I Can Do Is Hold It in My Armpit
Patron: I'd like a grilled special.
Waiter: We don't grill 'em.
Patron: Yes, you do. I had one last week.
Waiter: You got lucky.
--Katz's Deli, Houston
In the Same Way that Those WMDs Were 'Sold Out'
Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: No. We don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: ...Yes.
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
They Resist Scratches As You'd Resist a 350-Pound Rapist on Meth, For Example
Customer: Look, see, there's two scratches right there.
Optician: Those two? OK, now you're being picky.
Customer: Picky?! I'm sorry that I set my expectations above your ability to provide me with scratch-resistant lenses without scratches in them.
--Eyes on the Slope, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hmm..maybe Lens Crafters
Plus, He Says He'll Die for My Sins
Hairdresser: So, I'm dating this carpenter...
Client: Oooh, is he cute?
Hairdresser: It isn't so much that he's 'cute' as 'willing to redo my basement if I go out with him.'
--Amsterdam & W 85th
Overheard by: umpazumparoo
And It's Hot As Hell There!
Woman #1: It's hot as Haiti in this store.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Isn't it supposed to be hot there?
Woman #2: I think you mean 'Hades.'
Woman #1: No. It's a place in the Caribbean.
--Banana Republic, 42nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Not Haitian
Dried-Up Spinal Fluid Is So 1994
Customer: So, what's new? Been a while...
Waitress: Not much. Kind of a weird day, though. [The owner] was in here with his kid earlier, though, and he was doing E.
Customer: Wow.
Waitress: 'Wow' is right. I mean, seriously -- who does E anymore?
--Pizza Shop, Mott St, Soho
It Goes Perfectly with Naked Ladies and Stereotyping
Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I'm Jamaican -- I only smoke the herb.
--Scores, East Side
Yes, We Sell Parrots
Customer: So what do I feed it?
Manager: Give it crickets, 2 or 3 times a week.
Employee: You've got to feed it crickets 2 or 3 times a week.
Manager: Otherwise it takes greens and fruit.
Employee: Or greens and fruit.
Customer: What kind of greens?
Manager: Lettuce.
Customer: Regular lettuce or romaine?
Manager: Romaine.
Employee: It needs romaine.
Manager: Kale, chard.
Employee: Kale, chard.
Manager: Anything leafy and green it'll eat.
Employee: Anything leafy and green.
Customer: So it's OK if I leave it for a weekend or a week?
Manager: Yeah, just throw some lettuce in there with it before you go.
Employee: You got that?
--Petland Discounts, Bensonhurst
No, Mom! Not the Face!
Customer: They don't have stars today like we had. This Britney Spears...
Owner: She's a pig.
Customer: She's a pig.
Owner: She's a pig.
Customer: She's a pig! You know what's wrong with her? Her mother shoulda smacked her in the mouth more often.
--Pet store, 25th & 3rd, Sunset Park
Overheard by: Pippa
I Kinda Miss Watching You Sleep
Woman buying bagel: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. I guess you're not sleeping with my roommate anymore.
Bagel cashier: Hey! How have you been?
--Flatbush Ave
Wednesday One-liners Get to Work
Girl on cell: What, did she say she thought I was going to hit her or something?...There was a customer there!
--Broadway & 70th
Overheard by: Vanessa Robinson
You Know, Someone Asked For a 'Book' Again. That's Like the 100th Time Today!
Customer: Do you have The Picture of Dorian Gray?
Employee: What is that?
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes
Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?
--Village Bookstore, St. Marks
Let's See Her Explain Cottage Cheese
Customer: Excuse me, ma'am, I'd like to point out that your bagels are moldy.
Bagel vendor: No, honey, those are just blueberry bagels.
--Bagel shop
Overheard by: Annika
Sad Truth: He Did Know -- He Just Wanted to Make His Home Life Sound Exotic
Diner: That's an interesting accent. Are you Jamaican?
Waiter: No, I'm from Trinidad.
Diner: Oh! My sister spent a year in Kenya!
Waiter: You know that Trinidad is in the Caribbean, right?
Diner: Oh. No, I guess I didn't.
--Alice's Teacup Restaurant, 73rd & Columbus
When Upper East Side Entitlement Attacks! : Next Week on Fox-TV
Customer: What time does the live entertainment begin?
Waiter: Around 11 p.m.
Customer: Can you call and ask them to start early? It's eight p.m., and I'm here now.
--Rafina Taverna, 78th & York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up With Trends
Hostess: Actually, you are sitting on the table.
Customer: Oops.
--Sushi Samba, 7th Avenue South
Overheard by: AJ Stone
Never Come Back Here Again, Mr. Simpson
Customer: Do you sell Lacoste here?
Sales associate: No, but they have a door right down on Spring Street.
Customer: How do I get there?
Sales associate: You go out our front door, make a right, and at the intersection make a left and the Lacoste store is right around the corner.
Customer: And they sell Lacoste there?
--Bloomingdales, Soho
Two Leading Causes of Injury for the Married Man
Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.
--Bar, 78th & 1st
Last Time Egon Did That, He Got Slimed
A well-dressed, middle-aged woman is being kicked out of a restaurant for inviting herself to sit at several other customers' tables.
Waiter: Come on, you have to leave.
Woman: Baby, there is basically an aura about me. Would you care to venture through it?
--Restaurant, W 4th St
Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins
Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.
--East Village
Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
--Uptown 6 train
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
--Playground, DUMBO
Overheard by: grimrosary
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: LSB
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.
--D train
Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Hobo Hank
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!
--Goodwill
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't Have the Heart to Tell Her It Was a Gold Jerry Garcia
Trendy female customer: I like your Jesus necklace. Do you believe in Jesus the Almighty?
Sales dude: I do.
Trendy female customer: As you should.
--Marc Jacobs, Bleecker
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
I May Already Have Said Too Much
Customer: Do you guys have eggs and stuff?
Employee: We have eggs, but only before they become muffins.
--Blue Sky Bakery, Park Slope
Welcome to Irony Town, Kid
Guy: Dude, look at their Board of Health certificate on the wall there. It's brown. No, it's dirty!
Girl: Oh my God, that's so filthy. What's that on top there? [walks over] Jesus Christ, it's a cockroach!
--Chinese restaurant, Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lunch Special
Did I Say Rats? I Meant Husbands
Elderly woman: Do you know where the rat killer is?
Younger customer: I am not sure they carry that here. You should speak to a clerk
Elderly woman: A lot of people with pet rats don't want them anymore.
--PetCo, Kips Bay
Overheard by: Glad I Have Dogs
What If I Order Those, but You Hold the Cheese?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Customer: Yeah, I want two Crave Cases with burgers.
Cashier: Will that be hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
Customer: What's the difference?
Cashier: The cheeseburgers have cheese.
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: waiting for the food of the gods
As Soon As I Come Down Off This Acid
Man: Oh my god. This coffee right here -- the best coffee I've ever had.
Employee: And only 85 cents!
Man: 85 cents! Look at that! You can't get anything in New York for only 85 cents!
Girl holding Skittles: Except Skittles.
Man: What is that? What's it called?
Girl: Skittles.
Man: Oh, man, I gotta get me some of that stuff.
--Happy Mart, 8th St
Overheard by: happy customer at happy mart
The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces
Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: alanna
Little Front-Loader-Riding Motherfucker
Customer #1: Hey, kid! Get the fuck out of there!
Customer #2: Don't you dare speak to my boy like that!
Customer #1: Why? Does the little bastard not know English?
Customer #2: Shut up.
Customer #1: I guess not.
--Laundry King, Ave A
Overheard by: Usleich
Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!
Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus...
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don't you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don't you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]
Hurried customer: You know -- Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit -- I don't need your friggin' card.
--Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman
Overheard by: compnerd aka
How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It
Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!
--875 3rd Ave
We've Given Up All Attachment to Outcomes
20-something: Can I get an eggnog steamer cut with skim? Is that possible?
Barista: Ma'am, anything's possible. Next!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Knit One, Pearly Gates Two
Woman #1: This sweater is 80 dollars?! My grandmother could knit this!
Woman #2: Wow, really?
Woman #1: Well, no, she's dead... But you know what I mean.
--The Gap
New York's Fruitifying Effect on Men
Waiter: We do have a great selection of cocktails.
Customer: That just makes me feel queer.
--Max Brenner's, 14th & Broadway
I've Tried the Police, but We Keep Getting Disconnected
Diva customer: How do I find out who was answering the phone this morning?!
Salesgirl: Um... It could have been anybody, I'm not sure...
Diva customer: Pshhh.
Salesgirl: I'm sorry. Why did you want to know?
Diva customer: Because this girl I talked to told me that you all had the Erin Skinny Destroyed jeans in the light color, and now y'all don't have them, and I wanna report her!
Salesgirl: Um... Sorry.
--Abercrombie & Fitch, 5th Ave
The Overprocessed Cow Flesh, However, is Feminine Enough
Where: Wendy's, Caesar's Bay
Mom Customer: "Can you exchange this Kid's Meal toy for me? I need something for a girl to play with."
I'm Putting 10300 Staten Island. Thank You!
Box office attendant: Sir, can I have your zip code, please?
Ticket-buyer: No! You people are not going to call me!
--Beacon Theater
And Can You Tuck? Says Here 'Girl Gets a Free Balloon.'
Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he's thirteen.
Dad: It says here that if you're eleven or younger, you get in free... How old are you?
Teen: Oh. Eleven.--Roxy DeliOverheard by: Kelsey
Headline by: Tom Dorey
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Forget, Your Mom's Your Grandma And She Got That Black Eye Playing Bingo" - Kate
· "And it's cheaper than regression therapy" - Kim
· "But He is 19 on Myspace" - DanC
· "Good Answer. Now Give Me $10 For Your Mother And Me." - Hobo Whisperer
· "Good...now go shave your balls." - Colin
· "If Your Mom Hadn't Lied About her Age, You WOuldn't Be Here Now" - Jason
· "Sorry, Not Applicable to Jews" - djingo
· "Still paying down the debt from Dad's mid-life crisis" - Allison
· "You Know What I Like Better Than Welfare Checks? Nothing." - Amos
· "You know I only get paid for sending them pre-teens" - kasey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Also Sorted the Alpha-Bits Incorrectly
Lady: ...and a half-pound of roasted brussels sprouts with peas.
Counter guy: Those are actually pearl onions, ma'am.
Lady: Well, the sign says peas.
Counter guy: I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, but the person who made that sign is an idiot...No really, that's her over there. Complete dipshit.
--Gourmet Garage, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd
