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Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner
Guy: I can't wait 'til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist.
--Class, W4th & Mercer
Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I'm pre-med. I'm qualified.
--Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University
Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse
Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it's like, 'I gave her my heart, she gave me... her urine sample.' Should we give him my number?
--Beth Israel Medical Center
Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can't shit... Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I've entertained about anal sex are gone.
--12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: What the...
Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner.
--Lexington subway station
Wasn't This an Eddie Murphy Skit?
Hobo: You're all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
--M train
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
It's the Werewolves that Are the Issue Here
Weird guy: You're talking about in a movie, right?
Homeless guy: No, I'm talking about real life. But just because there are real vampires, and just because it is my job to kill them... That doesn't mean shit.
--51st & Park Ave
They Eventually Agreed on a Dime for, 'I Wouldn't Kick You Out of Bed'
Hobo: Spare a dollar?
B&T chick: Ew, no.
Hobo: ... You have nice legs?
B&T chick: Still, no.
--Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
I'm Now Chemically Resistant to All Varieties of Blame
Angry female vagrant: So it's my fault?! Fuck you! It's got nothing to do with me. I never do anything wrong!
Male vagrant, just as angry: How?!
Female vagrant, bellowing: Because I'm a drug addict!
--Outside the Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Emma
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
It's a Field Waiting for a Go-Getter Like Her
Chick #1: I think I would be a good homeless person. I would definitely be able to do it!
Chick #2: How? What the hell do you mean?
Chick #1: I can fall asleep anywhere now, and I could live off of beans and water... What? I could.
--175 Water St
Overheard by: Raquel
Careful, He Wants You to Drop Your Guard
A large bearded black man is holding a big white sign that reads: NINJAS KILLED MY FAMILY. I NEED $$ TO LEARN KUNG-FU AND GET REVENGE.
Drunk yuppie: Ha, ha. So dude, are you really going to become a ninja?! Ha, ha!
Black guy: Nah, man. This is just for humor. This ain't for real.
--Broadway & 76th
Overheard by: M-Co
Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners
Man: 'Cause I'm like, 'Seven a.m. is too fuckin' early for Jesus -- too fuckin' early.'
--Union Square station
Overheard by: DM Cook
Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he's on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you -- for men, women, lesbians, gays...
--Uptown 2 train from 72nd St
Overheard by: pimnana
Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.
--Uptown 2 train from 66th St
Overheard by: Avatarded
Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train... Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.
--1 train, 168th St
Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Scott
Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.
--109 & Broadway
Overheard by: trying to stay dry
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
She Meant Anal Virgin
Girl #1: Yo, it'd be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you're not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain't a virgin, you must be a ho! Don't come back to this church. This is God's place.
--St. John the Divine
Overheard by: a fox
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna Get Dirty
Girl on cell: I feel so dirty...He rubbed oil all over my body. He's short, but he has blue eyes...so hot...I'd let him crawl all over me!
--Hoboken PATH
Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I'll rub hot oil all over your body ... and God bless the child, that's got his own, that's got his own.
--F train downtown
Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked--and that was fun--but there ain't no love like the love of Jesus.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Ben Beckley
And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire...
Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin'?! I smoke Newports! You can't get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin' me some money? It's for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady's boyfriend: Wow, there's evil! So much evil comin' from this one. You're good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It's the feel of the crack of yo' asshole burnin'! [Homeless guy runs away.]
--Bleecker, near Sullivan
Headline by: pheeze
Runners-Up:
· "Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum" - Angus McIntyre
· "Jesus Is My Roid Cream" - en_ki
· "That Port Hasn't Been New In Years" - dan
· "The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons" - Jon Trudel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hygienic Wednesday One-Liners
A homeless guy is sleeping
Other dude: You smell like you want to be alone.
--A train
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
It's Time for NYC Short Stories
Guy #1: What time is it?
Guy #2: One o'clock.
Guy #1: What? How long has it been one?
Guy #2: Less than a minute?
--57th & Lexington
Mom: Hey! If you're hungry I'll buy you a hot dog. Don't bite your brother...Hey! What did I just tell you?
She flicks his ear; he yelps.
Mom: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
--Stop & Shop, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Chris B
A woman gets on the train and begs for money. She is upset that other people ask for money and spend it on the wrong things. She promises she is being sincere and that she isn't going to spend it on drugs; she needs it to buy food for her 93 day old baby.
Four days later the same woman gets on the train, telling how she is being honest and needs the money to buy food. Only now she claims her baby is 76 days old.
Funny how she's begging for money, when she should really just sell that time machine.
--Q train
Overheard by: Jill
Guy: Hey man, wanna make some quick money moving some equipment for me?
Hobo: I don't have time right now.
--30th & 7th
Overheard by: theallegedother
It's Probably Because of Copyright Violations
A hobo has a cardboard sign that says "Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons."
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don't know why. I've already had five police come by and bother me today.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
Give Me Abs or Give Me Death
Guy #1: Hey man, do you want these chips?
Urchin boy: No.
Guy #2: I guess beggars can be choosers.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Mathew J
And His Union Has Never Paralyzed the City
MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we're not moving. You can't play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You're just jealous that I make more than you.
--R Train at 53rd St station
Red-handed, Huh? With What Were They Stained?
Girl #1: I saw this homeless girl on the street who looked our age and I felt so bad.
Girl #2: So did you give her money?
Girl #1: No, my nails were wet.
--62nd & Lexington
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
"If I was you, I'd give me a dollar."
Hobo: Please man, can I have 25 cents? It's to eat, ya know...
Man: Here you go. But if I was you, I'd eat something else.
--Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island
Overheard by: Helniev
I Was Striving For More of a Dysentery Fragrance, With Overtones of Colon Cancer
Lady: Ewww! It smells like someone made a dump!
Bum shrugs.
--Queens Blvd, Forest Hills
Homeless Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Anyone have any spare change or medicine for lice?
--Christopher St. station
Overheard by: Matthew Dyke
Hobo: Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you have change for a 12?
--West 4th Street
Singing hobo: I just spilled, I just spilled, I just spilled my blackberry brand-ayyyy.
--14th St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: wayne mitchell
Watch Out! They're About to Explode!
Guy: You see that bum? He wouldn't even look me in the eye. I know him from the Bronx. Evvverybody knows everybody in the Bronx, especially if you do drugs. He's a liar...His daughter did die, but 3 years ago. He got so much money hustlin' on the D train, but now they all know it's bullshit, so he came all the way to Queens....what, he gotta bury his daughter every year? He gonna ask for money when the girl died 20 yrs ago?...And if you don't got money for a burial, the city gives it to you. He fulla shit.
--7 train
Overheard by: MR
Standing in line is a guy with a massive 12-roll pack of toilet paper. His buddy comes up to join him and says: I always knew you were full of shit.
--Rite Aid, Irving Place
Overheard by: Vera Farrelly
It's Her Ex
Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.
--East Village
He's on a Strict Sushi Diet
Panhandler: Forty dollars...anybody got forty dollars so I can eat? Anybody, forty dollars?
Businessguy: Forty dollars?
Panhandler: You want to make a deal? All right, thirty-five dollars.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Heather
A Book About You
Yuppie #1: I really want a drink
Drunk Homeless man (to Yuppie #2): What are you reading?
Yuppie #2: I'm reading a book on sobriety.
Drunk Homeless man (looking over her shoulder): Oh
Yuppie #2: Yes, it's also about drug additions..valium, etc.
Drunk Homeless man: Really that's interesting
-- Union Square Park
With New Yorkers, That's a Safe Bet
Subway entrepreneur: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am homeless and in need of your assistance. If you cannot give, I will not make you feel bad. I will accept anything you can give. [Continues for five minutes, ignored.] Ain't nobody gonna give? Y'all just a bunch of cheap-ass motherfuckers! [Disembarks.]
Sincere child: I thought he said he wouldn't make us feel bad.
--Myrtle Ave stop
Overheard by: Confused Commuter
Guess You Haven't Interviewed in a While
Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!
--72nd & Broadway
He's Clearly Just Labelled "Guy"
Guy: Hey, how you doin'?
Bum: Ah, shit. It's the White man!
--116th & Amsterdam
He'd Have Done It for Free
Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have 'em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can't believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.
--Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Anna Meyer
Wednesday One-Liners: Cha-ching!
Guy on cell: Don't play games with me or I'll break your fuckin' nose. Have you got the money? Where's the fuckin' money?
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don't want to play football? ...Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!
--M14 bus
Hobo: God, lady, I'm not asking for a million dollars; I'm just asking for some change!
--14th between 5th & University
Overheard by: theNJl
Biker dude: She's a shrink and a psychiatrist, so you know she's rollin' in money.
--Starbucks, 27th & Park
Overheard by: Brawny McBrawnerson
So That's Where David Horowitz Went
Ranting woman: We should be boycotting products from all those big corporations like Microsoft, and General Motors, and Nike, and--
Hobo: Shut the fuck up before the corporation gets to you and tortures you to death.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ting
A Wealth of Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Folks, help me out. I am trying to get my rotor blade fixed on my helicopter!
--W. 10th and 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Connecticut woman: It was such a joke among my friends; I was always going out with artists or unemployed people...which I guess is the same thing.
--Cuppa Cuppa, East Village
However, He Should Have Grabbed His Crotch for Emphasis
Hobo: I want to cum on your face.
Young woman: Uhhh... Well, at least he's being up-front -- putting all the cards on the table. I guess I respect that.
--27th & 10th
Overheard by: Julia C
And Welcome to Dick Cheney's America
Homeless woman: I've had a hard life. Just yesterday I was raped on the subway...
Man: Quit complaining! [Car laughs.]
--1 train
The Circle of Life
Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.
--St. John's Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who always suspected this
Just Another Five Minutes, Mom
Woman tapping bum who passes out leaning against newly-arrived train: Excuse me, sir... Sir! You're leaning against the train and it's about to leave!
Bum: Oh! Huh? Thank you.
Woman: Excuse me, sir? You're still on the train... Get off of that train, you fucking bum!
Bum: Yes ma'am!
--Downtown 6 platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: off white
Plus Tax
Hobo #1: Bitches is crazy, crazy. Had no choice but to fuck that squirrel.
Hobo #2: Nooo, nooo.
Hobo #1: Yup, yup. That squirrel was worth five cents.
Hobo #2: Nooo, I'll tell you how much that squirrel was worth. $15.98.
--St. Johns Pl, Park Slope
Consider Making Your Greeting Less Specific
Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! ... Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you're very close.
--West 4th St
Nah, Just Kidding.
Princess: So are you, like, bored?
Man: No. I'm homeless.
Princess: Oh!
--Port Authority
Now, Mr. Rogers, You Know That Isn't True
Woman: Go panhandle in your own neighborhood!
Young panhandler: I don't have a neighborhood.
--23rd & 8th, Chelsea
Overheard by: mike pratt
Wednesday One-Liners Dropped Out of Lamaze
Girl: And it's, like, strike two. You're totally not getting a baby gift when I find out you're preggers on Facebook.
--M23 bus
Suit on cell: My dad was making out with the nurse while I was being born...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Miss Rach
Homeless lady: God's pregnant! He wants the city dead! God's pregnant!
--46th St & 5th Ave
Young boy pumping arms at sides and thrusting pelvis: Fertilize me!
--Starbucks
