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Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Like Harvey Fierstein
Teen girl #1: My teacher bought this awesome notebook for me.
Teen girl #2: Why?
Teen girl #1: 'Cause she likes me.
Teen girl #2: Is she gay?
Teen girl #1: No. She's Jewish.
--Mahattan-bound N/W Train
As Good a Jew As You Are a Baptist, Sweetie
Ghetto black lesbian: Look, you are Time Magazine's Person of the Year.
Jewish lesbian: That is so lame.
Ghetto black lesbian, picking up a card instead: What does 'shalom' mean? Does anybody know what 'shalom' means?
Jewish lesbian: You are asking the wrong Jew.
Ghetto black lesbian: What kind of Jew are you? What good are you?
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Reade
Overheard by: Just trying to buy some cards
You Need to Work on Your Technique
Jewish guy: Fat Jewish girls love Tasti D-Lite.
Jewish girl: So do Jewish guys.
Jewish guy: That's because I'm trying to find a wife.
--3rd St & 92nd Ave
They're Not Horns -- They're Just Really Big Ears
Little girl, pointing: Jewish people!!
Mom: Shhh.
--F train
She Kinda Missed This When the Family Moved to Boise, Though
Hasidic man offering out a lulav: Are you a Jew? Are you a Jew?
Girl, running away: Yes, but I don't want to!
--W 4th & Broadway
Used, But Still Serviceable
Guy #1: What was that guy trying to sell you on?
Guy #2: Judaism.
Guy #1: Oh.
--42nd & Park
How About Gefilte Fish and a Halogen
Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don't know....what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it's not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he's Jewish. And his room is dark.
--Union Square
Overheard by: curious
He Should Be Getting Her Drunk
Man: Do you work or go to school?
JAP: I work.
Man: Really? Because you look young.
JAP: How old do you think I am?
Man: 19?
JAP: Do you really think you should be hitting on a 19 year old girl?
--Falucka, Bleecker Street
Is It Crown Heights Day Already?
Jewish man: But I was here first! I was waiting!
Black chick: All right sir, just calm down. It doesn't matter. Get a life.
Jewish man: Why don't you go back to jail?
Black chick: Yeah, and why don't you go get some viagra or something?
Jewish man: Yeah, I'd need it for you.
Black chick: Fuck you, bitch!
--Court Street Office Supplies, Brooklyn Hights
Overheard by: mrmcd
Drunks Make the Best Gawker Stalkers
Drunk to the fat guy from Lost: Oh shit, nigga. I guess your ass got off the island, huh?
Old Jewish lady: I knew it!
--6 train updown
Overheard by: Zdub
So I Can Hit Them Up for Some Change
Jewish guy, to young white couple: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hobo: Man, do they fucking look Jewish?! Leave them the fuck alone, and get the hell outta here!
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: 54
Headline by: Michael DeLong
Runners-Up:
· "Go Circumcise Somebody Else!" - John
· "Jesus Returns to Do Some Street Work" - Sim Etrias
· "Let My People Go, Bitch!" - jenna
· "Moses Had Such A Temper" - Dion
· "Sorry, Didn't Notice He Was Short One Foreskin." - Sheathed
· "Where Can I Get a Hobo Bodyguard?" - Ashley
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's an Elephant Bending Over
Shiksa, to Jewish friend wearing a chai necklace: What exactly is your necklace? I'm trying to decide if it's an elephant or someone bending over.
--Starbucks, Upper West Side
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part 3)
Four teenagers in a convertible at a stop-sign speaking about me as I cross the street right in front of them, in Vancouver: "Hey, he looks Jewish!"
The Unicorns Stood for White Power
Girl #1: ...so, my professor started talking about The Diary of Anne Frank.
Girl #2: Oh, Anne Frank! I used to love her! I had the diary, the notebooks and the pencils and everything.
Queer: What?
Girl #1: I think she means Lisa Frank.
--27th & 7th
Obviously Reformed
A Gentile Yuppie: I once dated a Rabbi's daughter, in the Hamptons. I went to a family barbeque, and he asked me, 'Do you want cheese on your hamburger?' and I thought, 'Ah--this is a moment of truth--one of those key moments in a relationship, where the family will judge me--what should I say?' and I said, 'Yes, I would'--and then the Rabbi responded, 'Great! Then Cheese for Everybody!'"
-- Bar Tabac, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn
Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?
Child, after hurting himself: Jesus!
Grandma: Oh, no. Don't say that tonight.
Child: Christ!
--Seder, UWS
Overheard by: bobby bo bobby
Headline by: AL
Runners-Up:
· "Sawww-eee." - Sameer
· "All that colorful Yiddish I taught you, and this is the best you can do?" - MB
· "Blasphemy is allah the same to me" - Yugan
· "Either way, it's still not kosher" - Peter
· "Wait until after we kill him" - bobofthejungle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Holy Moses, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Professor: So, when we last left the Jews they were suffering. But, then, we can take that for granted.
--Stern Building, NYU
Overheard by: Jayso
Woman to queer: ... All the Jews I've ever seen have had the most marvelous penises.
--E 4th St & 2nd Ave
Drunk girl looking at Jewish frat boy: Wearing a kippah is like wearing a cage around your penis.
--Frat party, Columbia
Overheard by: I never go to frats bc.....
Long Island girl: Wait... What is Friday Night Lights? Is that a movie about Shabbat?!
--LIRR
Well, My Family Does Call You Wanton
B&T shiksa: What is "kreplach"?
Jewish sugar daddy: Kreplach. It's like wontons.
B&T shiksa: Why don't they just call it wontons?
--Carnegie Deli, 55th & 7th
We'll Let You Know If We Hear Otherwise
Old Jewish lady #1: That's a gorgeous ring. What is that, 5 carats?
Old Jewish lady #2: Yes. I'm going to give it to my granddaughter when she turns 16. Maybe 18. As long as I know she's still a virgin.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Stephanie
Dating in NYC: A Short Story
Asian chick #1: The thing is, he's a Jewish guy? And like, ya know, a lot of Jewish guys are in to Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah?
Asian chick #1: Yeah. I think it's like because, like, both cultures are so, like, into family? Like Jews are really into family and Asians are really into family?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: But also? I think he kind of has an Asian fetish?
Asian chick #2: I hate that.
Asian chick #1: Yeah. He's like...ya know. A nerdy Jewish guy who likes to date Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: Yeah, but he's really cute in that way that he's nerdy but he loves Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
--N/R 8th street station
A Jewish Hipster? For Real?
Hipster Girl: Hipsterism was made for Jewish guys and Asian Girls.
-- Williamsburg
The Next Marketing Trend: Playing Hard to Get
Orthodox woman, holding bag of almond meal: What do you mean it's not kosher?
Grocer person: Well, if it doesn't have a kosher symbol I would assume that means that it isn't kosher.
Woman: Does it have a kosher symbol?
Grocer, politely: You have the bag in your hand, miss. Does it have a kosher symbol?
Woman: No it doesn't. Why do you not carry kosher almond meal? I have been buying this for years and now you tell me it's not kosher.
Grocer: I can only guess that the reason we don't carry it is that then people like you would shop here.
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: matthew andrew pryatel
Dude, That's Yesterday's News
Man: You wore red panties to your brother's funeral?
Woman: Yeah, I wore green shoes too...You wanna say something about it?
Man: Oh...very...Christmasy.
Woman: I thought you were Jewish?
Man: Well, I am. But I've heard of Christmas before!
--Canal & Mulberry
The Diminutive Diverts Attention from the Large Nose
JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn't he comfortable being a Bob?
--Central Park
Tell That to the First Catholic Chick
Girl #1: There are like, so many orthodox Jews at the law school. Why would they come to a Jesuit school if they're orthodox Jews?
Girl #2: Well, it's not like everyone else is Catholic.
Girl #1: But Jews are like the opposite of Catholics, they're, like, not even close.
Girl #2: You're a slut; that's not very Catholic.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: IDigGraves94
Jesus: Not Just for Pale, Hairy People
Woman: Yo, I just saw somethin really racist.
Man: What?
Woman: There was a sign in the subway that said "Jesus for Jews, Jews for Jesus."
Man: Oh, that's a religous group. Haven't you ever heard of Jews for Jesus?
Woman: That shit's racist! Jesus for everybody. Jesus for people of all colors!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Steph
It's Getting Harder and Harder for Hamas to Compete
Woman #1: Didn't she send her children to Israel?
Woman #2: No, that was Germany. It was free, one of those "Sorry we killed your family, come back and see us sometime" things.
--Sunnyside, SI
Like my sister.
Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know -- Jews are pretty inbred. I'm probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running -- big and athletic.
--Central Park Reservoir
Headline by: Brooklyn Twang
Runners-Up:
· "But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything." - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine" - Uberjim
· "The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics" - quazarfreez
· "The Final Solution 2.0" - Scott Gresham
· "They're Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That..." - Caitorade
· "You Know, Someone Who Could Win a "Master Race"" - Mike T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He's About Six Million Short
Guy #1: You should feel honored to live in New Jersey.
Guy #2: I like living in Jersey. It just really sucks commuting here every day.
Guy #1: It's like the Jews being kosher. It's the price you pay for being chosen.
--12th & 5th
"I can't read Arabic."
Woman: I want to report that there is a drawing of Hitler at the bottom of these stairs.
MTA lady: Well, is there anything anti-Semitic written with the drawing?
--225th Street 1 station
Overheard by: adam
Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well
Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don't think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Alex
Drunk girl: I don't want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
--1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Kira
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
--150 5th Ave
Addiction expert: I don't think he's addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers' asses.
--6 train, 68th St
Old Jewess: I couldn't tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
--1 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Kimdog
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
--Times Square
Guy: She's kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.
--Hughes Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Where are the Jewish Girls?
Gentile Yuppie: When I was in the synagogue, all of these girls kept on coming up to me and trying to pick me up--but they were all Jewish!
It's Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah
Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I'll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?
--Stabrucks, 78th & Lex
There Were Piles of Matzoh Balls Everywhere
Girl: Is that soup place the Soup Nazi? Did he go out of business?
Guy: Yeah, ever since Soup V.E. Day...
--55th & 8th
Overheard by: Lindsay Robertson
"I said holiness, not assholiness."
God squad guy: Jesus is the way, Jesus is the way, take a prayer book because Jesus is the way!
Man: Look, buddy, it's New York. We're all Jewish in one way or another. Try Jersey.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: CW
Yeah, But We Got to Kill the Bastard
Woman: I know why you're doing this [handing out flyers.]
Jew for Jesus: Oh, why?
Woman: Because you're jealous that we have Christmas and you all want to be able to put up a tree and lights and decorate!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
It's Going to Be One Long Yom Kippur
Guy #1: So how was your Rosh Hashanah?
Guy #2: I got a blowjob at a movie theater. Since I was watching Flightplan does that count as mile high?
--23rd & Lexington
Overheard by: dan levin
We'll Never Live Down That Technicolor Dreamcoat
Girl #1: These paintings are so bright and colorful, but sad.
Girl #2: I know what you mean. Chagall does that. It's like really bright crazy colors but then makes you feel awful.
Girl #1: It's so Jewish.
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Vicki
Get to Atoning, New York
Smoker guy #1: ...I won't be in on Thursday cause of Yom Kippur.
Smoker guy #2: You can't come to work?
Smoker guy #1: Can't work, can't eat, can't drink.
Smoker guy #2: Can't eat or drink anything?
Smoker guy #1: Nothing from sundown to sundown.
Smoker guy #2: Jesus!
Smoker guy #1: Wrong.
--49th & 8th
Part of a building under construction fell off into another house, summoning 10 fire trucks.
Lady: See? Maybe this will teach those Jews from building them so high.
--Williamsburg
Boss lady: She needs to get her ass back to work and finish this shit up. I hate these 2 days Jews; tomorrow she'll be eating a bacon cheeseburger.
--Office, Wall Street
Maybe That Worked on Your Mormon Girlfriend
Skinny white guy: I'm like, really excited for that Israel parade. Like, I think it will be a really nice experience for me.
Jewish girl: Mmhmm.
Skinny white guy: No, I'm serious. I love Jews. And like, I'm not just saying it to get into your pants.
--Penn Station
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Five)
Man walking down the street in downtown Vancouver to the woman next to him: "I'm Jewish, but my family has been in Canada for three generations"
Woman: "Oh. I have one Jewish friend."
How Was Your St. Paddy's Day, New York?
Hobo: Spare some change for the leprechaun? I just need four dollars to get back over the rainbow.
--1 train
Baked with Christian Blood, or Split Hooves
Girl: Excuse me, is you popcorn kosher?
Counter guy: Um...I, ah, I dunno.
Girl: Do you even know what kosher means?
Counter guy: Hey, Geraldo. Is our popcorn kosher?
Geraldo: What the fuck's kosher?
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6
Signs of the Apocalypse
Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.
--Midwood High School
Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner
It's Every Jewish Mother's Dream
Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend...what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I'll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I'll be like, oh Styx just called me.
--98th & Madison
Overheard by: nathalie
She Means the Greeks
Chick: How come we're always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um...This is "Introduction to Jewish-American Literature".
Chick: ...Yeah, but still.
--Waverly Building, Waverly Place
Blame the New Snarky Anne Frank Translation
Guy: So I was talking to my grandfather last night.
Girl: The one who survived Auschwitz?
Guy: No, the one who died there.
--A train
Overheard by: Greg Pierce
The Self-Loathing Is Also Strongly Suggestive
Jewish boy: If I wasn't Jewish and saw Passion of the Christ, I'd walk out of the theaters screaming, "Let's kill those Jews for killing our Lord and Savior!"
Black woman: Boy, you shouldn't be goin' 'round screaming that.
Jewish boy: Um, but I am Jewish.
Black woman: How am I 'sposed to know that?
Jewish boy: By the fucking thing on my head and the fact that I keep checking for my wallet every second I'm talking to you.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: David
As Fucked Up As "Working Her Like a Slave"?
Jewess: My roommate won't let me use the oven because it hasn't been made kosher yet.
Jew: Hey, just tell her we'd all be burned in the same oven. That'll go over well.
--Flatiron Building office
Ooh, the New Volkswagen!
Guy #1: Your car is totally Jewish.
Guy #2: My car is not Jewish. My car is a Jew hater.
--10th & Hudson
"Why Not the Jews? No One's Ever Thought of Killing Them!"
Intellectual: Dude, after September 11th, we had to go kill somebody. Someone had to die.
--Midtown office
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
After the First Time, She Swore She'd Never Be Caught Unprepared
Bearded, earlocked rabbi jumping out of mitzvah mobile: You, you're Jewish -- come in and hear what we have to say.
Shiksa: I'm not Jewish.
Bearded, earlocked rabbi: Yes you are, I can tell. Your mother is Jewish.
Shiksa: No one in my family is Jewish.
Bearded, earlocked rabbi: Maybe no one in your family practices, but Jewish blood is strong, and I can tell you have it.
Shiksa: Leave me alone or I'll throw bacon at you.
--5th Ave
Hamas Has Won Here, Too
Man: Is this kosher?
Vendor guy: Um...there's kosher salt in the bacon.
--Union Square
Yum! Wednesday One-liners
Queer: You are all a bunch of crackers...What are you laughing at, Jew? We have a cracker and a Jew, it's like a Lunchable.
--1 train
Plus, We Consider It a Fucking Mitzvah
A family of Hasidic Jews--mother, father, 4 children--are on the boat. A young boy turns to his father and asks: Why do they have so many kids?
Father: Well, after World War II, they had to get their numbers back up.
--Statue of Liberty Ferry
Overheard by: Lux Garner
But you aren't?
Yuppie: You're such a third-generation American Jew.
-- Upper West Side
More Like a Mausoleum at This Point
Old Jewess #1: So this hooker comes up to us, both of us, and offers us a menage a trois.
Old Jewess #2: I once visited that museum.
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
The Proverbial Woman Who Wears the Pants
Yarmulke guy #1: Well, I mean, like for me one of the biggest issues was religiosity.
Yarmulke guy #2: So, was she more or less than you?
Yarmulke guy #1: Much less.
Yarmulke guy #2: Yeah?
Yarmulke guy #1: Let me just put it this way: two days after we broke up she was wearing pants.
--1 train
Have a Happy Kwanzaakkah!
Waiter: Hey, wassup? I'm Sean. What's your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well...'cause, you know, I'm Jewish.
Guy: ...Okay.
Waiter: Uh, 'cause you know, Kwanzaa's a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn't know that.
--Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
And She's the Only One Who Knows for Sure
Jewish guy: Are you Jewish?
Hot blonde shiksa: No... But my hairdresser is!
--Brooklyn College campus
Overheard by: Mars
'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'
Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!
--30th & 3rd
Just Don't Spell It "Heil"
Law chick #1: I assume you passed the corporate accounting exam?
Law guy: Yeah, somehow. I couldn't get the balance sheet to add up so I just added $130,000 in cash to assets to make it balance. It was a total Hail Mary but it worked...Wait, can you do a Hail Mary at a Jewish law school?
Law chick #2: Sure you can. There's less interference.
--Cardozo School of Law, 12th & 5th
He's Not Allowed to Give Directions on Saturday
Tourist guy: Excuse me, do you know how to get to the PATH train?
Hasidic man: Are you Jewish?
Tourist guy: No.
Hasidic man: Ask the policeman.
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: B. McClintock
We Call It "Little Israel"
Guy: So you guys are Jewish?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Are you from Brooklyn? I live there now, and there are a lot of Jewish people there.
Girl: No, we're from Staten Island.
Guy: Oh. Are there a lot of Jewish people there?
--Finnerty's, Union Square area
Overheard by: Becka Dash
When Stereotypes Come to Life
Hasidic Jew: How much is this detergent?
Cashier: $2.99.
Hasidic Jew: Never mind. I'll put it back.
--Rite-Aid, Bensonhurst
Without a Yarmulke
Young Yuppie: You're such a third-generation American Jew.
-- 6th Avenue, West Village
That's Being Chi-curious
Girl #1: Wow. Akiva Goldsmith's really made something for himself...for a Jew.
Girl #2: God you're a racist.
Girl #1: What makes me a racist? I'm part Jewish.
Girl #2: An hour ago you asked me why all Asians look the same.
--Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street
Overheard by: Pop Iris
Go Back to Israel!
Jewess: That's the third time you mentioned Jews. What's wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh...Baptist.
--Times Square
Overheard by: J. Peter Jones
The Sphinx' Other Riddle
Ghetto guy #1: You got a Hasidic for a boss? Ha, ha, ha.
Ghetto guy #2: Yeah, that guy is cheap.
Ghetto guy #1: Yo. They got all the dough. All the dough...Dude wear the same clothes every day!
Ghetto guy #2: Ha, ha, ha. Yo, that motherfucker is cheap.
Ghetto guy #1: Same clothes, man. You got the little boy shit, the teenager shit, then the man shit. Three sets of clothes for the entire life. They got all the dough.
--Verb, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jarrah TG
We Like Getting on Trains That Don't Kill Us
Tourist guy: ...Huh. What religion are you, anyway?
Hasidic guy: Um...I'm Jewish.
Tourist guy: Oh. Do you like America?
--L train
Should Have Gone With "Jewish Rabbi?"
Guy #1: With that hat and beard you look like a Jewish rabbi.
Guy #2: Dude, it's not cool to make fun of people who aren't Jewish.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Justin
Wednesday One-liners Are Upright Citizens
Suit on cell: Hey, yeah...Yeah, I just got back from 100 Centre Street. Yeah, Georgie Boy was drooling over counselor's dick...You know, Georgie Boy: Boy George...That's right, on his knees drooling over counselor's dick. Moron lives on Mulberry, right around the corner from 100 Centre Street. They found like six bags of blow, says lots of people stay there, not his, whatever. But he's shitting in his diaper...What?...Yeah, just six bags, whatever. But he's drooling over counselor's dick. I told him, "Don't worry Georgie Boy"--we only call him "Georgie Boy"--I told him, "Don't worry, you have a Jewish lawyer." Do you really want to blow me?...Huh? What?...No!
--Russian & Turkish Baths, East 10th Street
Overheard by: Trey Desolay
Wednesday One-liners Read Vogue
Girl: Did you see those capris? They looked like the girl had her vagina on sideways!
--Windsor Terrace
sU R skooB
Teen boy: What you readin'?
Hasidic man: It's the Bible in Hebrew.
Teen boy: Oh...Where'd you get it?
Hasidic man: In a store that sells books in Hebrew.
--F train
A cheap Jew? No...
Middle-aged man, into his cell phone: It's an oneg-shabbat. It's just a big dinner where everyone can meet each other and talk. It's only a few hundred dollars for you to sponsor it. [pause] Well, it's really not a dinner. It's just some fruit and plates for people to pick at.
-- Midtown
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
It's Her Ex
Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.
--East Village
It's on the Bonus Track
Rasta steel drum guy: This next song is about the comin' of the Messiah.
Jewish woman: Yeah! We're still waiting!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Robin Christiansen
It's Pronounced Schwartz (Happy Halloween!)
Drunk girl #1: So I think I am going to go as something I totally hate for Halloween.
Drunk girl #2: What are you going as?
Drunk girl #1: I think I am either going as a Jew or a Chinese person
or a tourist.
Drunk girl #2: Hey, you know I am Jewish, don't you?
Drunk girl #1: I don't care, I am definitely going as a Jew.
Drunk girl #2: Shots?
--37th & 3rd
Overheard by: Brian McCormick
What an Explosive Question
Hasid: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hipster: Excuse me, are you Muslim?
--Williamsburg
And All the Proofreading in the World Can't Save Me
Young man: I think you should have put LIFE and not LIVE on your sign.
Jesus freak, holding sign reading THROUGH JESUS WILL YOU FIND ETERNAL LIVE: Oh, thank you. Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Young man: No, I'm a dirty Jew. I'm going to hell.
--42nd & 7th
What If I Get a Long Identifying Number on My Forearm?
Guy: So you don't think neck tattoos are sexy?
Girl: No.
Guy: What do they make you think of?
Girl: Prison.
Guy: What if I get my name in Hebrew?
Girl: Jewish prison.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh
Wednesday One-liners: It's Time
Rabbi: It's been two weeks and that's pretty long for me.
--34th & 7th
Angelina is Such a Trendsetter
Old Jewess: Where are you from originally?
Preggers: China.
Old Jewess: Oh that's good, because you know everyone wants an Asian baby now.
--Filene's Basement, 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Barth
Note She Said "Until", Not "Unless"
Girl: I've seen pictures of you as a child. You didn't look Jewish. Hitler would have loved you. Well, until he saw your penis.
Guy: Wow...uh...wow.
--78th & Columbus
A German Barbeque, to Be Precise
Suit #1: Smells like barbeque.
Suit #2: It's just us Jews.
--Union Square
By "Crises" He Must Mean "Circumcisions"
Guy: He's 31 and already he's going through a mid-life crisis.
Girl: You're 30 and you've been going through crises after crises after crises.
Guy: But I'm a Jew.
--19th & 5th
That Explains the Boots but Not the Crop
College girl: Oh. Did you use to ride horses as a kid?
Jappy guy: No. I'm just rich
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Mehler
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
Oddly, $3 Buys a Bacon Cheeseburger
Guy: I'm like Jewish, but I'm not. I look Jewish.
Girl #1: Yeah, this one time we were at a diner and he was like, "What can I get for $3?"
Girl #2: So, that's why you assumed...
Girl #1: Yeah, he's so Jewish.
--1 train
Overheard by: Alix
You Know, the Wrong White
Little girl: My birthday is next week.
Woman: Oh? What sign are you?
Little girl: I'm Italian and Jewish.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Chris D.
You Just Stand on Your Head
An Israeli guy is reading a newspaper in Hebrew.
Kid: What language is that? Russian or something?
Israeli guy: No, it's Hebrew. It might look a little like Russian, but you read it from right to left
Kid: Really? That must be hard.
--3 train
Chosen for What, Is the Question
Teen girl #1: Yeah, so being Jewish is worlds of fun. We are better than everyone else.
Teen girl #2: I want to be Jewish!
Mom of girl #1: Sorry, honey, we are the chosen people.
Queer passerby: Not with that nose, honey.
--19th & 5th
They're Equally As Funny
Man #1: Yeah, so all comedians are Jewish. Jon Stewart, David Blaine--
Girl: He's Jewish? God, I totally want to have sex with David Blaine.
Man #2: Do magicians count as comedians?
--B11 bus
I'd Guess Not Unlike Star Jones
Woman #1: ...she's also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She's a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: ...What do the kids look like?
--Central Park reservoir track
Resistance is Futile
Queer: Does your family have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner?
Girl: We can't have ham on Christmas, it isn't kosher. We have turkey.
Queer: Why are you celebrating Christmas if you're Jewish?
Girl: Dunno. Good question.
--East Village
Finally, Someone Defends the Black Guy
Crazy dude: Daffy Duck is my favorite character, but Walt Disney was an anti-Semite and I'm a Jew. I used to watch cartoons but someone stole my television.
Dude #2: Daffy Duck stole your television?
Crazy dude: No. Daffy Duck is my best friend.
--F train
Overheard by: Gunner
"Get the halal out of here!"
Tween boy #1: Fine, fine. I'll buy you a BLT. How 'bout that?
Tween boy #2: A BLT? I'm Jewish, you idiot.
Tween boy #1: Oh, whatever. I see you eat a BLT every day, liar.
--64th & Park
Overheard by: Andrea C.
Wednesday One-liners Love Jim Beam
Yuppie lady: When all is said and done, I was drunk in Banana Republic...
--51st & Lexington
Overheard by: Karen Adverb
It's a Train, Not a Glass Elevator
Yarmulke man: Excuse me, where does this train go to?
Do-rag guy: Florida.
Yarmulke man: Florida? Texas? California?
Do-rag guy: Yep.
Yarmulke man: Okay! Good.
--6 train
Overheard by: Rachel
They Missed a Few in NYC
Columbia guy #1: It's a small world.
Columbia guy #2: Yeah, especially when they killed six million of us.
--Miller Theatre, Columbia University
Lady: ...yeah, but when they're all being led into gas chambers again, they'll be crying in their beer.
--Miller Park, The Bronx
Overheard by: Roisin Ni She
Book guy: I don't see that big swastika.
Girl: No, I don't either. And that big swastika was going to be my dad's birthday present.
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Overheard by: Jon Zebraskey
They Grow Up So Fast
Asian Kid: The fucking Triads are on your tail, bitch. Run!
Hispanic Kid: Fuck that! The Latin Kings will pump lead into your asses.
Black Kid: Nah, the Bloods and Crips will beat you down.
Jewish Kid: Yo...Um...I'll get my yarmulke peoples to smack you all, son. What now nigga spic chink bitch ho? Suck my matzoh balls, bitch!
--Canal Street
Overheard by: Jonathan Harris
The Buddhist Guys Are Too Fat
Girl #1: You should date the Jew; he would take you out to dinner and then they bone you.
Girl #2: Oh, as opposed to the Catholic ones that we just bone and skip dinner altogether?
--3rd Avenue & 10th Street
Oh, No! You Didn't Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
--14th St, in front of Purim Truck
At Least He's Not Promiscuous, Like the Catechism Kids
Little boy leaving temple: Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!
Mother: Kyle!
Little boy: What? It's a new word I learned in Jew school today!
Mother: Hebrew school!
Little boy, in a whisper: Schmuck...
--87th & Madison
Think Chaim Pocket
Tourist dude: What's a...knish?
Tourist chick: I think it's like...a Hot Pocket?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: JayBee
Then Explain That St. Ignatius Menorah
Guy #1: She's really religious, she even goes to a Jesuit school.
Girl #1: Oh! Like JTS?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: What? Isn't Jesuit another word for Jewish? Like Orthodox or something?
Guy #1: Um, no.
--Columbia University
It's Not a Harem If You Just Play Scrabble
Girl #1: How bad am I? I'm going to have sex tomorrow and then pay a shiva call.
Girl #2: Who cares? You've got needs.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Girl #2: Remember when you had a harem?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I didn't have sex with any of them. I just fooled around with them.
--Bleecker Street Bar
But That's, Like, The Worst Hampton!
Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn't believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she'll be ok. I mean, she's gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she'll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she'll be ok.
Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.
Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.
--The Dalton School
Overheard by: Vicksburg
#14: The Washington Monument
Jessica Cutler: Twelve of my last sixteen boyfriends were Jewish.
--Happy Ending, Broome Street
Readers: Answer This Mindboggling Question
JAP: Didn't it fall down back in the early nineties too?
--Ground Zero
He Let His Lucky Subscription Lapse
Hobo: Damn girl, yo ass look fine in them Levis!
Jappy girl: What? These are True Religion!
--47th & Lex
He Just Wants to Find Out What Tzatziki is Called
Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That's rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you're dumb.
--F train
Overheard by: Steph Gold
The Centuries of Oppression are All Part of Their Cover Story
Jewish guy #1: See if you can buy that broken cookie for a good deal.
Jewish guy #1 and #2 at same time: Fifty cents, yeah!
Jewish guy #3: That's why we run the world.
All three: Yeah!
--Starbucks, 60th & 1st Ave
Overheard by: jeremy
He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday
Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.
--3 train
Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People
Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.
--The Gate, Park Slope
A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?
--Broadway & 80th
Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, "Arr, you're a pirate?" and her mom was like, "Actually, she had her eye put out."
--27th street office
JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for "tall, dark and handsome" and all I ever end up with is "short, hairy, Jewish". I guess I should just accept my fate.
--Starbucks, 48th & 3rd
Black guy: I ain't Jewish, so I don't be doin' no Yom Kippur.
--D train
Overheard by: Nash Astor
Shalom, Wednesday One-liners
Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.
--F train
Overheard by: bluesdog
Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don't know. I have to consider it. I'm not super Jewish and he's not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.
--Union Square
Lady: I just don't get smoking, or people who smoke...smoking and bacon; I don't get it.
--UWS elevator
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
I Hear the New Treatments Work Wonders
Hasidic Jew handing out flyer: You! You! Are you Jewish?
Blonde shiksa #1: Oh my god! He totally thinks you're Jewish!
Blonde shiksa #2: Ewww! I cannot believe he thinks I look like some fucking Jew!
Blonde not-so-shiksa: Wait a minute, bitch -- I'm Jewish.
Blonde shiksa #2: Oh, sorry. It's not your fault.
--32nd & 5th
Nazi Skinheads: 'We Knew It!'
Chinese girl: I just think it would be a little weird.
Jewish girl: Why?
Chinese girl: 'Cause I'm not Jewish.
Jewish girl: What are you talking about? You're Chinese. That's practically Jewish.
Chinese girl: ...True.
--SoHo
An Omniscient God Doesn't Need Functionaries
21-year-old Jewish guy #1: Is Jesus a saint?
Male Christian friend: He's Jesus. He's, like, the president of the saints.
21-year-old Jewish guy #1: Then who's the treasurer?
Female Christian friend: [Blank stare.]
21-year-old Jewish guy #2: Probably whoever the patron saint of money is, huh?
21-year-old Jewish guy #1: And what about the secretary?
Female Christian friend: [Blank stare.]
21-year-old Jewish guy #2: Yeah, probably the patron saint of note takers.
Female Christian friend: I'm pretty sure it's not really organized like that.
--Grace Church, 11th & Broadway
Overheard by: patron saint of laughing your ass off
I Was Just Messin' Wit' Jew
Hasidic Jew: Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish?
Man: Yes.
Hasidic Jew: The Messiah is coming soon. [To black woman:] Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish? I was just kidding.
--2 train
Overheard by: the rat
Uh-Oh
Rabbi: So, what was the best part of your week?
College Jew: Hmmm... I guess reading for three hours in the library.
Rabbi: Oh? What did you read about?
College Jew: Hitler.
--NYU Hillel
Overheard by: YJD
Because Nothing Says Hilarity Like Catholicism
Suit #1: No sir, the kids don't have school off tomorrow. You believe that?
Suit #2: Wait, the Catholic Schools don't close for the Jewish holidays? You're kidding me!
--Elevator, Park & 33rd
Overheard by: Nick Jezarian
Her People Love Fashion at a Bargain
Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn't know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It's not a burqa, it's a poncho. I'm Jewish. It's for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.
--53rd & 7th
Overheard by: Pam
Where Unitarians Come From
Gentile #1: I'm thinking he looks more like a rabbi. Can't you just picture the yarmulke on his head?
Gentile #2: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of wood.
Gentile #1: Clay!
Gentile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay... see, that's what makes me not Jewish.
Gentile #1: Believe it or not, in Catholic school during Hanukkah they had us play dreidel games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gentile #2: That's very weird.
Gentile #1: Hey, it was better than reading the Bible.
Gentile #2: Touché.
--New School for Social Research
NewsFlash: Bible Misinterpreted. Film at 11.
Little old Jewish lady #1: So that Moses -- who was his mother? Why'd they put him in that basket, anyway?
Little old Jewish lady #2: I think it was because they were going to kill him... Something like that.
Little old Jewish lady #1: It's so sad when loving families break up like that. They should've given him to a cousin.
--Chinese restaurant, 16th & 3rd
Overheard by: ysabet
Scene from The Devil Wears Prada, Director's Cut
20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don't you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I'm sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That's an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one...
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.
--Elevator, 62nd & 2nd
Wednesday One-liners Are Cooking with Gas
Girl on cell: ... a roma tomato, lime... I mean lemon, either one... omigosh, this is the wrong number! [hangs up]
--Staten Island Ferry
Trichinosis Is God's Punitive Weapon of Choice
Jewish guy: I have to study a lot today.
Spanish guy: Dude, you had the whole weekend to study!
Jewish guy: I had the funeral, and I got food poisoning!
Spanish guy: I can understand the funeral, because, well... But the food poisoning is all your fault -- you ate pork and you're Jewish!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: liz
Most New York Conversation Ever
Dude #1: I want a new printer but they're too expensive.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to find a good cheap one.
Homeless busybody: Cheap?! That's why you're a fucking Jew!
Dude #2: Actually I'm not Jewish, but I'm glad you're homeless!
--W. 4th St.
Only with Less Food
Old Jewish man #1: Did you see the Yankees last night?
Old Jewish man #2: Watching the Yankees play baseball is like sitting shiva.
--14th & 7th
Wednesday One-liners, American Idols
Tourist: Oh my god! That's Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's like, actually walking down the street!
--Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
--The Prime Grill, 49th Street
Twentysomething woman on cell: I'm gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore's dog.
--in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave
Wait, What Was the Old White?
Latina: Like white people. You know, like you.
Jewish guy: I'm not white, I'm Jewish.
Latina: Didn't you heard, Jew is the new white.
Jewish guy: Oh.
--4th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Noemi
Judaism Sneaks Up on You Like That
Hasidic guy holding flower: Hey!
Greek guy: ... Hi.
Hasidic guy holding flower: You Jewish?
Greek guy: No...
Hasidic guy walks away.
Greek guy to friend: Why does everyone think I'm Jewish?!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy
Overheard by: wtf?
Would You Like Me to Hit You in the Face?
Drunk girl: So, how have you been doing lately?
Jewish guy: Oh, fine, I guess. I'm just -- ugh -- like, so sick of having to play the part of the Jewish fucking intellectual who likes to go see plays. I hate fucking seeing plays. I would rather get hit in the face than go see a play. I'm sick of having to lie to my Jewish friends when they ask me, 'Oh, have you seen that new play?' And I have to say, 'No, but I want to go see it!' I don't want to go see the fucking play!
Drunk girl: Hmmm... Yeah, that is rough.
--E 3rd & 2nd
It's Like Catholics Who Get Divorced or Have Abortions
Shiksa girl #1: Oh, now I get it!
Shiksa girl #2: Get what?
Shiksa girl #1: Jews for Jesus. See, Jews don't usually believe in Jesus, but these ones do.
Shiksa girl #2: That totally makes sense. That's why they're called "Jews for Jesus"!
Jewish dude: They're not Jews. They're Christians.
Shiksa girl #2: But it says "Jews for Jesus"!
Jewish dude: If you believe in Jesus, you aren't a Jew.
Shiksa girl #1: I don't get it.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
When Your Therapist Has a Degree from Bartending School
Jew: She's been on dates with 87 guys from JDate? Eighty-seven?!
Jewess: Yeah, her therapist told her that she can't complain about guys from JDate again until she's been on 100 dates with guys from JDate, and now she's really excited for the last 13 so she can start complaining about them again.
--Stay, East Village
All the Makeup Isn't Camouflage - It's Just the Way They Like to Look
Suit on cell: No, she's not ugly. She's just a Jew.
--Water St
Gee, I Thought It Was an Easy One
Young Hasidim selling menorahs: Are you Jewish?
Old WASP lady in fur coat, disgusted: What kind of question is that?!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Afrocurl
City Mouse Needs to Get Out More
Observant girl, pointing at something on the sidewalk: Is that an animal?
Downright perceptive guy: No. That's a pair of pants.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Horan
The Suppressed Eleventh Commandment: 'Thou Shalt Not Bogart the Roach'
Boy 1: Hey, what was that Exodus story about the burning bush? You know, didn't God give him something?
Boy 2: Yeah, God gave him the holy weed, and he smoked it.
--F train
Overheard by: Fareeda
In as Much as a White Castle Burger can be 'Real'
Jewish girl: Did you get bacon on your burger?
Jewish guy: No. I'm keepin' it real.
--White Castle, Hillside Avenue, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
Kind of a Lapsed Jew
Jewish guy: You know, all the famous people are Jewish, like Einstein, and--
Black guy: Man, shut the fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with you? Ain't you ever heard of Martin Luther King, Jr.? He ain't Jewish; hell, that motherfucker ain't even white. Jesus Fucking Christ!
Jewish guy: Very good! Jesus Christ!
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
Only Perfectly Healthy Pig Asses Went into These Babies
Jewish kid: Are these hot dogs AIDS-free?
Hispanic vendor, defensive: No, ese, no!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Lynne
Just Remind him You Control the World Entertainment Industry
Rent merchandise peddler: Free Rent tote bag with a purchase of a Rent t-shirt!
Jewish father: How much is the Rent t-shirt?
Rent merchandise peddler: $25.
Jewish father: Hell no! 25 bucks for a t-shirt?!
Jewish teenage son: Dad! Stop being such a Jew!
--Nederlander Theatre
We're Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher
Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What's your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I'm Jewish.
Blonde: So?
--21st & 1st
You Don't Have to Be Jewish to Smell the Trap
Jewish girl: You have to come up to this new synagogue with me. It's supposed to be really good.
Jewish guy: Is it traditionalist?
Jewish girl: Yeah. And the singles scene is supposed to be awesome.
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
