Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Manhattan (Best Of) All Categories > Places > Manhattan
Recent | Best Of
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Add a High-Speed Cab Ride and a Couple of Hot Dogs, and That's Pretty Much It
Tourist: Okay, that was so weird last night. I mean, you took me to a bar, and in the bathroom there was a window that looks out on a gay bar!
Guy: Well you said you wanted the authentic New York experience.
--SoHo
Overheard by: grr
101 Famous Conversation Enders
Woman in stall #1: ....I can't believe he said that!
Woman in stall #2: I can't believe I'm taking a shit in public!
--Mary Ann's West, Broadway
Overheard by: Sarah Glazer
She's a Vegan -- Pass the Cheesecake
Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you're actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I'm so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that's why I drink soy.
--Veniero's, 11th St & 1st Ave
And We Can Smell Enthusiasm
Tourist girl #1: Oh my God, I feel like I'm in Sex and the City!
Tourist girl #2: Shut up, the natives can hear you.
--Central Park station
Overheard by: Spazza McChicken
That Sounds More Like Polish
Cop: How do you say "dog" in Spanish?
Starbucks guy: Perro.
Cop: Okay. How do you say "dog" in Mexican?
Starbucks guy: Usted es un idiota.
--Starbucks, 47th & 5th
This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla
Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.
--3rd & B
You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?
Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!
--LaGuardia & W 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Good Source of Protein
Little boy, to passerby: That's why I ejaculated in your mom's nose!
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Chick: See, I don't like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We'll Discuss It
Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We're from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it's because in New York we know that you can't bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can't?
Woman: No, you can't. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y'all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.
--Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Lynne & Craig
She Said Stupid, Not Comatose
Teen girl #1: I am so in the mood to get drunk tonight...
Teen girl #2: Yea! Tonight is such a good drunk night.
Teen girl #1: I can't wait to be drunk!
Teen girl #2: I can't wait to be stupid!
Teen boy: You guys say that every night. And have I gotten into either of your pants? No.
--Penn Station
A Nice Set of Wednesday One-Liners
Modest hoochie: Yeah, I can always tell if a guy's a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits.
--Penn Station
Teenage girl: That's 'cause Puerto Ricans come up to you and be like, "Hey, Mami, lookin' hot," but Dominicans come up to you and be like, "Yo, Mami, you got nice tits!"
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: erlinflask
Woman in tight shirt: I just know, you know, that at some point I'm going to have saggy boobs.
--Ave A between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Nathan
Guy: I contend that if you're going to allow someone to breast-feed in a public place, then I should be allowed to stare.
--Wd~50, Clinton St
Overheard by: Evan
Toothless Brooklynite: I'm sayin' she used to have some good pussy and some big ole titties. I'm talking double E-E's. And she went to the doctor and had them cut off. Her titties was cut off!
--A train
Overheard by: The Law Professor
Teen girl to mother: Maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I'll just give myself a boob job with a rusty butter knife and water balloons!
--N train
Guy: Well, it's not like you can't say you've never had your bosom in somebody's elbow before.
--Stage door, Eugene O'Neill Theatre, West 49th St
Don't Say That 'til You've Seen Me Shake My Tail
Teen girl to friend: Do I look like an animal?
Friend: You look like a stripper.
Teen girl: That's not an animal, per se.
--Broadway
Overheard by: i think she is a stripper
Oh Hell, Maybe I Am Racist
Girl: Who was she with?
Hairdresser: I'm not, like, racist or anything, but she came with two guys, one was Puerto Rican and one was black!
--Supercuts, 3rd and 32nd
Overheard by: Joe
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
A New York Welcome -- Blink, and You'll Miss It
Black girl: Hey white girl, where is the party?
White girl: What? We don't know.
Hispanic girl #1: Y'all know where all the parties are.
White girl: We are from Cali.
Black and Hispanic girls: Ohhhhh.
Long pause.
Black girl #1: Welcome.
Black girl #2: What the fuck are you, the welcome wagon?
--Times Square
Have We No Standards Anymore?
Hot chick: So, I just wanted to let you know I'm just coming out of a relationship.
Buff dude: Oh. Well, then I should tell you that I used to be a stripper in Chicago.
Hot chick: Hmm...I have herpes.
Buff dude: That's ok, I have two cats.
--Scruffy Duffy's, 8th Ave between 46th & 47th
She Has Wretched Refuse on Her Wish List
Chick: Why doesn't anyone give monuments as gifts anymore?
Teen boy: ...Ha, ha, ha!
Chick: No, you know what I mean, like the Statue of Liberty.
Teen boy: Wouldn't it be great to blindfold someone, telling them you've got this great surprise for them, then take them to the Statue of Liberty, take the blindfold off and say: "It's for you!"
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Chloe Amara
Where's the Climax to This Story?
Guy #1: Last summer I was hangin' out in Richmond for a weekend and me and some other people were havin' a party and someone gave me and this girl a pill and told us it was painkillers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Sounds like...fun.
Guy #1: Well the next day, after we had had sex in a pool in front of like 30 people for about 10 hours, the girl who told us it was painkillers told us it was actually Cialis.
--CVS, 23rd & 1st
Overheard by: katie facada
Wednesday One-Liners Still Can't Get Over Joey Picking Pacey (That Dumb Bitch)
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.
--N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
--Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
--79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
--Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
--114th & Broadway
The Answer Is Shitting in the Wind
Man on a park bench #1: Betcha never seen a dandelion turn from yellow to white. Even catch one half-way in between.
Man on a park bench #2: Betcha ain't never seen no baby pigeons. Ain't noboby never seen no baby pigeons. See all them big fat ones? Where's the babies at?
--Central Park
The New Crunch Marketing Strategy
Girl on cell: Seriously George, I gained twenty pounds while I was in LA, and now every black guy in the city can't stop talking to me about my ass!
Guy slowly driving by and waving out window: Oooh girl, you so fiiiine...you gorgeous.
Girl on cell: Jesus Christ! There's another one! I've gotta call you back, I'm going to the gym.
--Broadway & Bleeker
Maybe It's Maybelline
Chick: I have to run in here and get more ChapStick.
Guy: You just bought chapstick yesterday.
Chick: My dog steals them and eats them.
Guy: That must be why his lips are so soft.
--Columbus between 89th & 90th
Like a Big Blue Monster Sitting in Your Heart
Guy #1: Cookies!
Girl: I don't know if I want to bring in the cookies tomorrow; they're so heavy.
Guy #2: You know what's heavier? The guilt you'll feel for disappointing us.
--The Strand
"What is this, a spelling test?"
Girl: Wait, what are you doing?
Guy: Huh? What do you think?
Girl: I mean, why are you putting your credit card into this box-thing?
Guy: To...um, get money?
Girl: Money? This machine gives you money if you have a card?
Guy: Um...this is, like, an ATM.
--Deli, 13th & 5th
Overheard by: Halli Civelek
Putting Up Buildings, Tearing Down Builders
Construction guy #1: Hey, pretty boy! Whatcha got under that skirt?
Guy in skirt: Your girlfriend's fantasy.
Construction guy #2: Oh, shit. He got you there, dude.
--Broadway & 39th
Fun with the Homeless
New York's Friendliest Hobo: Your hair looks nice. MISS! YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
Fashion Week Concludes on an iNote
Woman #1: Wow, everyone is wearing their iPod. I only wear mine to the gym.
Woman #2: Well, if you have a commute, it is good to take it with you.
Woman #1: Really, so it works underground?
Woman #2: Yea, it even works when you are wearing green.
Woman #1: Fuck you.
--43rd & 5th
Overheard by: dave
Let's Get Some Ice Cream and Give Him a Call
Girl: Oh my god. Don't even mention his name to me. I hate him so much.
Guy: You mean hate him like you'd wanna set him on fire hate him?
Girl: I mean hate him like I wouldn't even shit on him if someone else set him on fire.
Guy: Uh... I believe the phrase is "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
Girl: Yeah, whatever. It's all the same when you're lactose-intolerant.
--Greenwich Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: happy milk drinker
His Mom Says It's to Die For
Girl: I've never had venison before.
Guy: Order it. You can taste Bambi. You can taste the innocence. And the fear.
--"A" Restaurant, Columbus Avenue
But Did You Notice How He Held His Spoon?
Woman #1: I think Tom was kinda weird.
Woman #2: Yeah, he was really into Nazis.
Woman #1: Yeah, there's that.
--21st & Broadway
The Real Reason She Prefers Doggy Style
Man: Hey! I didn't expect to see you here.
Woman: Just gotta find a quick read.
Man: Wow. I didn't know hookers could read.
Woman: Yeah... I gotta do something while you fuck me.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lex
There Are Two Kinds of People. . .
Guy: Have you ever been to D.C. before?
Girl: Yeah I used to go there and go to museums all the time for spring break because I'm not a, you know, go-to-Mexico-and-get-date-raped kind of person.
--119th & 2nd
Overheard by: epsd101
That's the Way for the Men
Chick #1: I really think this is the way to go.
Chick #2: I told you, I'm not ready. They don't even know me. I don't want them to always think of me as "that lesbian girl." I said no.
Chick #1: I meant Eighth Avenue.
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Mchelly
Any Alley Will Do
Drunk queer #1: Hey, let's get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don't have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That's alright. Papi will pay...if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?
--17th & 5th
If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
--Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.
--Lindy's, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.
--Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.
--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!
--Times Square
Grandma Has Just Two Settings
Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don't know.
--7th & Christopher
He'll Have to Wait for the Rest of the Cars to Leave
Old woman: Where'd you park our car?
Old man: I don't know. What's it look like?
--Outside McDonald's, Fulton St
So Did It Work?
Old man: [hiccups]
Old lady: I'll kill you, dead!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Raychel Tumin
Seems the Rancor is Alive
Dad: Do you think I want to talk about princesses 24 hours a day?
Little girl: No.
Dad: What do you think I want to talk about?
Little girl: Star Wars.
--Rector & Greenwich
Let Me Rephrase That.
Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.
--777 3rd Ave
Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth, Though
Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.
--50th & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
He's Been Setting Them Two Minutes Slow
Street vendor: Watches -- five dollars.
Guy: Five dollars? What's the catch?
Street vendor becomes nervous and looks around.
Street vendor: They'll never catch me!
-- Fulton St
Overheard by: elephant
He Gets Cranky Without His Yoohoo
Vendor: I hate customers like you, with your big bills for a 95-cent drink.
Ghetto thug: I could always shoot your old ass, and have the soda for free if that makes making change any easier.
--207th & Broadway
More Like France
Dad: Do you know what a eunuch is?
Teen boy: Sure, it's a place in Germany.
Dad: No, it is a man whose balls have been cut off.
Teen boy: In Germany?
--27th & 6th
Too Good to Be True, Too Dumb to Be False
Chick #1: NYU is taking over the city. Soon they're gonna have to
start calling it "New York" City.
Chick #2: It's already called New York City!
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly Raz
The Bronx Zoo's Most Controversial Exhibit
Chick: Omigod, look, it's a moose! It's like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that's a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn't look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it's a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they're raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?
--125 Street Metro-North station
Words to Live By
Thug #1: I don't know what happened -- I bought her a shot!
Thug #2: Yo, you can't be buyin' shots for fat chicks -- they be drinkin' 'em anyway.
--W 4th, outside Down the Hatch
Overheard by: NCS
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That
Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
--49th & 9th
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
--46th & Broadway
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
--M11 bus
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?
--Broadway between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Still Not Coed
Guy at register: So, where do you go to college?
Girl checking out with mom: Erm, Wellesley.
Guy at register: Oh no way! I went to Wellesley! How is it these days?
--Columbia University
How About Gefilte Fish and a Halogen
Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don't know....what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it's not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he's Jewish. And his room is dark.
--Union Square
Overheard by: curious
That's Why They Call It a . . . Never Mind
Chick #1: Ahh! Why am I, like, sweating?
Chick #2: What is your shirt made of, cotton?
Chick #1: Well, it's from Forever 21, so it's probably dead Chinese children.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Magnolia Thunderpussy
Those Are Called Babies
Girl: You feed the rats?
Man: It's not the rat's fault it's a rat.
Girl: Yeah, but rats carry diseases.
Man: So do most chicks.
--96th Street 1/2/3 station
Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air
50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.
--Café Henri, West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots
Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem -- his thing is very small...
--Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th
Overheard by: notrob
Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a 'Yes, that is true' laugh, or what?
--Columbia University Med Center
Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.
--Golden Theater
Overheard by: Colleen
Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this -- I'm not shy, I just have a small penis, and I'd really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.
--2 train
Overheard by: Man with the big penis
We Come Full Circle
Girl #1: Oh my god! I just heard that Katie Holmes had her baby! Katie Holmes had her baby, everyone!
Girl #2: Xenu commands you to shut the fuck up while I'm on the phone with my dealer.
--6th Avenue & West 4th Street
Overheard by: Robin M.
(cf. When we broke this story.)
That Depends on Phase Three
Girl: Wow! Did you see the rack on her?
Guy: Where?
Girl: Over there...
Guy: Man! You're not kidding!
Girl: See what I do for you? Who's the best girlfriend ever?
--Rockefeller Center
Ride 'Em, Cowgirl!
Chick #1: Yeah, but I can't keep fucking him.
Chick #2: Why not?
Chick #1: Because I'm not in love with him.
Chick #2: Oh. Well, how did you fuck him till now?
Chick #1: Usually with me on top.
--Clinton & Rivington
Nor Should You Have Confirmed It For Us Publicly
Chick #1: So was he cute?
Chick #2: He was cute enough.
Chick #1: What does that mean?
Chick #2: I mean, like, I wouldn't lick his butt or anything.
Chick #1: Ew!
Chick #2: Oh, like you never licked a guy's butt!
Chick #1: I should never have told you that.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: Manhattman
Your Mobile Is Kind of Crappy
Girl in stall: Oh, shit, I dropped my phone in the toilet!
The phone rings.
Girl in stall: And how the hell am I supposed to answer that now?!
--2nd Ave Deli bathroom
Overheard by: Rue Silver
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I'm not even buying anything. I'm just here to be seen.
--Trader Joe's
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
--Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
--W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who's ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior... But he was black.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won't fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
--St. Mark's Pl
He Hasn't Jerked Off to the Land's End Catalog in Months
Construction worker #1: Damn, look at that piece of ass!
Construction worker #2: Those are like National Geographic boobies!
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Joe
A Soundtrack of Tinny Audio Leakage From Sixteen Million Earbuds
Boy #1: Damn it! I forgot my iPod.
Boy #2: Don't worry. The city is a soundtrack in itself.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Liz
Now He Tells Me
Guy #1 peeing in urinal moans loudly.
Guy #2 peeing in urinal: You ok, man?
Guy #1 peeing in urinal: God, I should have used a condom!
--28th & 10th, Crobar
Here's to the Huge Fight You're Going to Have When You Get Home
Drunk guy to entire restaurant: Everyone I want to make a toast, raise your fucking glasses. Alright -- My girlfriend had an abortion, we are not having a baby!
--Silk Road Palace, 81st & Amsterdam
You'll Get a Contact High
Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Confused white person
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
$50 Says Mo Would Take That Scarecrow Out
Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I'm gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other's eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, "Rock on, I'm in a death cage!" And Maureen Dowd would be like, "Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?"
--Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
The Heroic Restraint of Subway Conductors
Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn't hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I'm going to hang myself.
--A train, 59th St
She Just Likes the Taste
Man: What's that you're putting on your cheesecake?
Woman: My cholesterol medication.
Man: Um... I don't think that's how it works.
--Carnegie Deli
Overheard by: Julie
We End with Revelation
Chick #1: So I need to get me a Bible.
Chick #2: Why? Aren't you atheist?
Chick #1: They say Bible paper makes good rolling paper for your joints.
Chick #2: Really?
Old lady: You two are disgusting.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Glynnis O
Meet Katrina Levy
Drunk girl #1: I have so many beads.
Drunk girl #2: Stop showing your tits!
Drunk girl #1: I can't!
--Mars 2112 ladies' room, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
Kerry Who?
Woman (night of the New Hampshire primary): KERRY WON!!!!
Friend: What, American Idol?
-- Manhattan
Because You're Worth It
Cropped girl #1: Why doesn't Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.
--13th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Lola
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
It Was One of Those Lady and the Tramp Moments
Southern college boy: I never knew a month of Xanax would turn into a six-week relationship.
Girl: Was it you or my sister that ate it?
College boy: Both.
Girl: Nice.
--Martinetti's, 1st & Houston
Overheard by: why didn't i think of that
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
This Price Ain't Right
Woman: I'll give you one up the butt if you let me be a stay at home mom.
Man: Once for every year you stay home.
Woman: Once per child.
Man: Once for every two years, or I'll be the stay at home.
Woman: Fine.
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.
--Time Warner Center
Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Leah Beirne
Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body... Not if it only died for a few hours.
--Target, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: barbat
Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don't die now!--52nd & 5th
Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth--if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!--125th StOverheard by: slightly intrigued
Woman: You're born, yadda yadda yadda...You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.
--24th & 7th
Overheard by: Dennis
Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose...[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it's not my fault.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
It's a Great Way to Pick Up the Mothers of My Future Fetuses
Ghetto Girl: I wonder how come you don't see more men here...
Gangsta #1: Shit, 'cause they ain't got patience for this shit. I been here for four hours!
Gangsta #2: Yo nigga, that's why I go shopping.
--Planned Parenthood waiting room, Bleecker St
Number Three, Step Forward
Queer #1: Do you know anyone named Jonathan who is here tonight?
Queer #2: I know five Jonathans who are here tonight. Why?
Queer #1: Because this guy named Jonathan just came up and started making out with me and then left.
Queer #2: That sounds like all five Jonathans.
--View Bar, 22nd & 8th
You're Just on the Wrong Service Plan
Benchwarmer #1: Yo man, what is that thing?
Benchwarmer #2: Oh, it's a Verizon PDA. It has a typing pad, camera, and e-mail.
Benchwarmer #1: Wow. What doesn't that thing do?
Benchwarmer #2: Suck my dick.
--Central Park baseball field
How Were Your Holidays, New York?
Guy on cell: Yeah, is it Mother's Day or something?...Oh, I think it's either Mother's Day or my mom's birthday, and I wasn't sure which...Are you sure it's not Mother's Day? Because there's a lot of people walking around Penn Station carrying flowers.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: LiAps
Guy: I'm gonna go over to D'Ag and get some groceries.
Girl: I think it's closed.
Guy: Ugh! I forgot the whole world is in church today.
Girl: Shut up, you Jew.
--Greenwich Hotel elevator, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: Jen C.
Chick on cell: You ate pizza on the first fucking night of Passover? Jesus Christ, you're a bad Jew!
--Marcy Avenue station
Overheard by: katie, a princess
Mom: I am so thirsty, I really would like a Coke. Only two more days 'til I can get one. Do you think this is how Jesus felt when he was in the desert for 40 days?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
Overheard by: Audrey
Girl on cell: I must've gained, like, 10 pounds after the two Passover seders I went to...and I still have Easter dinner to worry about!...What? No, I'm not having a religious identity crisis!
--14th & University
Overheard by: Amelia D
Girl: So what's with the 40 days of Lent thing?
Guy: Jesus walked the Earth for 40 days after resurrection.
Girl: Oh! So he was like a zombie! That's so cool!
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: a catholic
Chick on cell: Dude, let's go to church before we get fucked up. It's fuckin' Easter, you know!
--Fulton & Nassau
Mom: But it's Easter!
Chick: I'm not religious.
Mom: Yes, you are.
Chick: Plus, I've already been to two seders this week: one on Wednesday and one on Thursday. We made latkes, they were really good!
Mom: Yeah, and you also made those potato pancake things.
--Paprika, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: lish
Manager lady on phone: Hi, there.... Oh, I'm just sitting at my desk eating matzoh and turkey, and I'm just bitter. Just very, very bitter. What a stupid holiday! Anyway, how are you?
--Office, 37th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jillynyc
Girl on cell: C-Town doesn't sell matzoh, I guarantee it. Just fucking rice and beans everywhere...What? You're not eating bread for the whole week?...Didn't you just tell me you made a ham?...Oh my god, your mother would fucking have a heart attack.
--Metro-North train
"Mr. Barton, phone call on line two."
Girl: I'm not going to the gym today.
Queer: Oh my god, this is like the gazillionth time you've cancelled. Honey, no offense, and I didn't want to have to tell you this, but you give me no choice. You're starting to get fat. You need to start going to the gym, like, every day or no man's gonna wan't you.
Girl: You gays are so fucking judgmental. Oh, and since I'm such a fat cow, you can go find someone else to help you stretch and have to deal with your sweaty balls in their face.
--Starbucks, Park Row
Welcome to George Bush's America
Chick: Hi, how much are these?
Vendor hippie: Ten, or two for 18.
Chick: Oh.
Vendor hippie: Yea, on Macdougal they sell them cheaper, but they're made by Chinese kids who make one-fifty an hour. Capitalist bastards.
Chick: Oh. Are you going to be here tomorrow?
Vendor hippie: Well, tomorrow it's going to rain, and then for the next fifteen days the government is paying me to take ecstasy and play on the computer while they observe me.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emily Leonard
That's Not What the Bird Said
Guy: Motherfucker of God!
Chick: That would be Joseph.
--60th & Broadway
Overheard by: James Wolf
I Don't Think Andy Dick is a Fan
Girl: I may be misinterpreting Rocky Horror Picture Show, but what gay man doesn't love a movie about singing transvestites? These queens are so picky.
--30th and 5th
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
I Know Shakespeare, and He Didn't Say It -- That God Guy Did
Girl #1: As Shakespeare once said: "Thou shall not kill."
Girl #2: No, that would be God.
--11th & University
Heather Duke Redux
Drunk girl #1 coughs.
Drunk girl #2: If you vomit, I swear to God this friendship is over.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: kellianne
He's Just Like Brad but with Less Expensive Packaging
Girl #1: So I got that, like, Wal-stat stuff. Whatever the generic brand of Monistat is.
Girl #2: Dude, don't skimp when it comes to your vagina. That's an area where you really want quality.
Girl #1: Says the girl who slept with John!
--1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: djlindee
Now You Won't Get to See the Pictures
Man on cell: I tried to call you yesterday but you weren't home. Where were you? What? Colonoscopy? Did he at least buy you flowers and talk dirty to you? Sorry, yeah that was out of line. I'll cut the crap now. Oh, ha, ha, I just made an unintended pun. No...no, sorry, man...hello? Hello?
--Penn Station, LIRR waiting area
I'm Thinking Tisch
Girl: How do you like NYU so far?
Guy: I like it a lot.
Girl: So, are you at least bi-curious yet?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelvin M Loh
Guy: Hey, I haven't seen you in, like, two years.
Girl #1: Yeah, not since that time we made out at Cristina's party...then you went to Paris.
Guy: ...I'm gay now.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #2: NYU boys should really come with warning labels.
--Waverly Building elevator, Waverly Place
Don't Look at Those Socks
Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas ladies' room
If You Look Closely, You Can See Estelle Getty's Nipples
Quasi-thug #1: So if I got the first season, you would watch it with me?
Quasi-thug #2: Fuck yeah. It's the fucking Golden Girls, yo.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: djlindee
You Should Hear What Puerto Ricans Say About Pride
Queer #1: When is the Puerto Rican Day parade?
Queer #2: Omigod, today!
Queer #1: Hmm. Don't people get gang-raped at those things?
Queer #2: Maybe, I guess? Let's go!
--West Side Highway & Jane St
"Wow, That's Awesome"?
Guy #1: You know what we need? A nice breeze.
Guy #2: What the fuck are you talking about? It's cold as balls.
Guy #1: I was being ironic.
Guy #2: That's not ironic. Ironic is like...shit, I don't know. Like that song.
Guy #1: Naw, man. That's what people think, but ironic is when you say some shit but you mean some other shit.
Guy #2: Motherfucker, that's facetious.
Guy #1: Yeah...Then what's ironic?
Guy #2: How the fuck should I know? You the nigga with the GED.
--49th & 7th
Serving or "Acting"?
Waiter: May I take your orders, or do you need a few more minutes?
Guy: Um, we had a waitress come by and take our drink orders...
Waiter: Yes, well, I can take your food order if you're ready.
Guy: What happened to our waitress?
Waiter: She quit.
--Aquavit, East 55th Street
Overheard by: Not telling
Whipped But Not Pinched
Hubby: That woman just grabbed my ass!
Wifey: Yeah, you wish.
--Outside the Hard Rock, W 57th St.
Overheard by: Ron Marler
If It Is a Good Morning...Which I Doubt
Man on cell: Good morning! How are you?
Man: Tell me the bad news...
Man: No, really... Tell me the bad news
Man: You're PREGNANT? How did that happen?
Man: I know how it happened...but I mean...I thought you were on the pill!
Man: Well, what are we going to do about this? [pause] I can't have a kid with you. [pause] I'M MARRIED!
--47th & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Cynthia Frawley
Showered with Golden Sunshine
Chick: Today is such a good day; my class was cancelled, it's sunny, I'm so relaxed.
Guy: Yeah, and I fucked the shit out of you.
Chick: Yeah, I love you.
--7th & B
Overheard by: meme
He Took Another Swipe at Her 18 Minutes Later
Girl: I accidentally bent my MetroCard and now it won't swipe.
MTA guy: How do you accidentally bend it?
Girl: Um, I didn't mean to...
MTA guy: Did you want me to replace this card with a new one that's not bent?
Girl: Yeah, that would be great.
MTA guy: Because we don't do that.
--Wall Street 2/3 station
That's Social Darwinism
Guy #1: Communism is like anarchism. Everyone owns everything.
Guy #2: You dumbass, no one owns anything in anarchism.
Guy #1: So everyone's poor?
Guy #2: How are you not dead already?
--Gay Street
So Long as She Spells Bra With a D
Guy #1: She may be the stupidest girl ever.
Guy #2: I think she just pretends she is stupid.
Guy #1: Dude, she spelled Missouri with a Z, and Kansas with a U.
Guy #2: She does have a huge rack, though.
Guy #1: Tremendous!
--34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Oren Shapiro
The Economics of Clubs
Outside a Manhattan club: "Of course we'll get in. We're their customers. And of course those girls will get in first -- they're the product!"
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
Overheard by: sean
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Jess is hot.
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.
--Prince & Broadway
He Means 'Know Him' in the Biblical Sense
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street to pick up a friend. A second, random guy hurries on the bus as well.
Bus driver, to random guy: Yo, this ain't no bus stop.
Random guy: Oh, I saw you pick him up, so...
Bus driver: Yeah, well I know him.
Random guy: Hi, I'm Dan.
--M1 bus, 110th & Madison
Secrets of Pick-Up Artists
Drunk guy: Lemme get a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Cashier: Sorry, we don't have bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I have it on a bagel then?
Cashier: That's not the problem. We don't have any bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I just have a bacon, egg and cheese?
Cashier: Sir, there is no bacon, ok?
Drunk guy: Can I just have your number then?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 83rd St.
Overheard by: Maunica
It's Not Luck, It's Planning
Yuppie businessman on cell: I don't care who designed them, you're taking them back... You spent $600 on a pair of fucking shoes!?Unbelievable... Ok, whatever, I don't care, this conversation is over... Goodbye! [to friend] Can you believe this shit?.... Lucky for her she lets me fuck her in the ass.
--46th & Madison Ave.
Overheard by: Douglas Quade
"We were in Narnia; her wardrobe malfunctioned."
Guy #1: So, I had this dream about Janet Jackson last night.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: She told me, "Mitch, get your shit together".
--9th Street & 1st Avenue
She Made Her Own Uggs
Girl #1: I wanted to see if it was possible to walk here from campus in 20 minutes.
Girl #2: So is it?
Girl #1: No, it took me 22, and I think my boots are filled with blood.
--26th & 2nd
"It's a date!"
Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don't have to worry about leaving the country...not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it's not an issue...This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it's a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you're my professor, and female, but not to say you aren't good looking...
Professor: Um, okay, so let's pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I'll see you on Friday.
--Hunter North Building, East 69th Street
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Girl: I guess I'll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine's.
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Toby Boudreaux
Some Shot!
Young Woman: Are you part Italian?
Older Woman: I'm Italian by injection!
--Private party, NYC
Eat Some Wednesday One-liners
Nylon sweat suit guy: I need a nice homecooked meal. I think I'm gonna go to Tad's.
--50th & 6th
Blonde: I don't diet. I just eat moderately.
--Maggie's, 47th & Madison
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
Intelligent Designing 101
Guy #1: Damn that girl is fine. I'd give my left nut to get her a night.
Guy #2: Dude, why your left nut?
Guy #1: Because it's attached directly to your heart.
Guy #2: Oh my god, what bio class have you been taking?
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Kiuu SMith
The Other Kind of Baby Shower
Girl #1: ...but I mean, it would have been so cute if we had gotten pregnant at the same time...
Girl #2: Yeah, i'm kinda bummed...
Girl #1: We would totally get our abortions together!
Girl #2: Oh my god, we would!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Penelope Galleon
Those Are Totally Knockoffs
Bags woman: Ladies...Gucci, Prada, Louis! Ladies...
Hot dog guy: Ladies, get your Gucci hot dogs here...Prada hot dogs!
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Lori
A Statement of Policy
We wanted to point out that we've now enabled comments on our entries. While it's rude to speak in public about something someone else said, here we encourage it.
--The OverheardInNewYork.com Staff, NYC
Fleet Week, Day 7
Drunk guy #1: Man, I gotta get laid tonight.
Drunk guy #2: I'm sure there's a costume shop around here somewhere. You'd totally increase your chances if you wore a sailor outfit.
Drunk guy #1: Yeah... but I like pussy.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Peebs
There Go the First Two Rules
Drunk guy #1: Let's start the East Village Fight Club.
Drunk guy #2: I'm in.
Drunk guy #1: The only rule of this particular fight club is you have to let your victim know you are beating the crap out of them for being too hip.
--7B, Avenue B
He Thinks That Means a Blanket
Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That's why I always pack heat.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
Science without Science
Yuppie: I was just teaching the scientific method to my students.
Nerd: Oh, so you teach them induction and deduction?
Yuppie: [long pause] The students aren't that smart so I don't teach them big words like those.
-- Party, Manhattan
Julie London?
Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.
--10th St & Greenwich
Overheard by: Intimidated by children
I Bet It Was an HMO
Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I'll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, "Whoa. You're my shrink! I'm paying you to listen to me!"
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I'm definitely not going back to him.
--Von, Bleecker & Elizabeth
Overheard by: Blondie
You're Saying It's Not a Representative Sample?
Girl: Well, Christy works with three people who are getting sex changes.
Guy: Yeah, but she works at a vegan restaurant.
--Ave A & St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: jenny wallace
You Take a Compliment Where You Can Get It
Crackhead: If my wife looked like you, I would stop smoking crack and get a job.
Businessgirl: Thanks.
--53rd & 7th
NY1 Top Story: Child Protection Services Taken Over by MTA
Voice over PA, as train is pulling out of the station: How you gonna let your child run around like that? You call yourself a mother? I could've closed the doors on your child and then what? You would've been all sad and shit but I was nice, I chose to keep the doors open. You call yourself a mother... lettin' your child run around on the subway...
--1 train
Overheard by: LSB
Sarcastic Anal Is the New Blow Job
College girl on cell: I need that like I need a dick in the ass.
Random guy: I can help with that.
Girl, to guy: I was ... being metaphysical ... metaphorical?
Guy: I'll take it either way.
Girl: Yeah, sarcastic ... what she said [points to phone].
Guy: Well, I was being serious.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Lizzerd
This One's Eau de Toilette
Girl #1: I know it smells kind of cheap, but I like it because it's the perfume I was wearing when I lost my virginity.
Girl #2: I thought you were wearing Ralph when you lost it.
Girl #1: No, that was my other virginity.
--60th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lindsay Hall
That's the Official New York Passport
Suit: Goddamn piece of fucking shit.
Old lady: Geez.
Suit: What's your fucking problem?
Old lady: The dumbing down of our language; everyone is so crude. Suit: Where are you from, the Little House on the Prairie?
Old lady: I'm from New York, you fucking asshole.
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Anne Turner
Tourist lady: Wow, it's like a sea of people!
B&T guy: Welcome to the city that never sleeps!
NY woman: Fuck all of you.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Emily A
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.
--Christopher & 7th
Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!
--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
--6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
--Victoria's Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
--56th & 9th
Pimp: The New Game from Electronic Arts
Dude #1: You have to make a decision -- between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah...
--East Houston
Were They Piercing?
Frat boy #1: Did you see that?!
Frat boy #2: What?
Frat boy #1: That guy just fucked you with his eyes.
--12th & University
Overheard by: Eyefucker's straight friend
What Did He Ever Do to Her?
Hipster girl: Hi, how are you?
Dressy-casual guy: Hi, you look great!
Hipster girl: Thanks. You look like you're from Oklahoma.
--Makor/Steinhart Center, W 67th St
Overheard by: Alex
Why New Yorkers Are Always Going Underground
Little girl: What's that, mommy?
She points to double-decker site-seeing tourist bus.
Mom: That's what the tourists use to look at us.
--46 & 8th
It's Saying, "Let's Do the Time Warp"
Hipster chick: Why are you lying on the ground?
Drunk Peruvian starts doing pelvic thrusts.
Hipster chick: Are you talking to me with your crotch?
--Bowery Ballroom
Overheard by: Siegal
His Dad Is Small Potatoes
Little boy: So far, this is the worst day of my life.
Mom: Oh, no. You're still a small fry.
Little boy: I am not a "small fries!" Why do you keep saying that?
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: Manhattman
Not As Good As He Is
Twentysomething girl #1: Why didn't you go in his room and see if he was home?
Twentysomething girl #2: So I could go in there and see him with his dick out? Porn all over the place, passed out like he exhausted himself? I'm good. No thanks.
--33rd St. PATH train
Overheard by: Teen
Maybe He Already Packed It
Man on bike: I seem [pause] to have misplaced [pause] my fudge.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lane & Oliver
Must Be a Booty Call
Drunk girl #1: God, I have to take a piss. I hope this chick hurries up.
Phone rings.
Drunk girl #2: Is that your phone? I love that ring. Who is it?
Drunk girl #1: It's Richard. Who the fuck is Richard?
Drunk girl #2: Well, answer it and find out.
Drunk girl #1: I'm not answering if I don't know who the fuck it is.
They stare at each other and think real hard.
Drunk Girl #1: OOHHH! Richard's my dad.
--Milady's, Soho
Overheard by: rhyno
This Conversation Is Going Up the Tubes
Teen boy #1: I make the best scrambled eggs!
Teen boy #2: Nah son, I make the best eggs.
Teen boy #1: Ok, but when you eat my eggs... mmm... it's like eating pussy.
Teen boy #2: Whoa! You crossed the line there.
--97th & Central Park W
Overheard by: SEK
Jon Heder is Such a Princess
Waiter: How would you like your eggs?
Guy: Can I get two eggs scrambled, one sunny side up?
Waiter: Um...I...Um...I don't...
Guy: Whatever. Give me three scrambled eggs. God.
--Ben Ash Delicatessen, 7th Avenue
One Guess Where They're Staying
Grandma: Who is that? What's the commotion about?
Teen girl: It's Paris Hilton.
Grandma: Who is that?
Teen girl: She's a media blowjob, Nana. Let's get a move on, we're
late and Daddy's waiting for us at the hotel.
--41st & 6th
Overheard by: Brian Otano
But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
Don't We Own the Internet?
Wealthy tourist man, pointing at a Starbucks: That must be one of those internet cafés.
--28th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dustin
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!
--Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.
--23rd between 5th & 6th
She's Got a Nice Pair of Assets
Guy: Did you hear back from the modeling agency?
Girl: Yeah, it was Foot Fetish Palace. I have to call them back.
Guy: Oh my god you're in porn?! This is why we're friends.
--20th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: I'm just trying to get to the theatre
Soon to Be a McD-Cup
Thirtysomething mom on cell: That boy of your is too fat. [Pause] Well, you keep feeding him hamburgers. That's why he has titties. He's an A-cup.
--M15 bus
Typical Taxpayer Mentality
Yuppie lady: Excuse me! I've been calling for someone and waiting in aisle 2 for ten minutes, and no one came! This is ridiculous! You people are incompetent! You have things stacked so they fall! Look at my pants!
Black woman: ...So why are you telling me?
Yuppie lady: Because you work here!
Black woman: No, lady...I don't.
--Gristedes, West 64th Street
Overheard by: vegannramember
I'm Considering Getting Out of Sales
Freezing passerby: It's so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah... You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won't keep you warm.
--Rockefeller Center
How to Get a Tourist Back on the Train
Woman on a payphone, with a hand over the receiver, yelling out to a man walking by: What city is this? What city am I in?
Man: Brooklyn!
--33rd & 9th, Manhattan
No, That's the Guy Who Did Lord of the Cock Rings
Guy #1: Yeah, he's a pretty good director... what's his name again? The hobbit guy?
Guy #2: Uhhh...Peter something...
Guy #1: Yeah, Peter North! I love that guy's movies.
--AMC Empire 25, Times Square
That Old Line Again
Girl #1: I just got waxed. Feel my legs, they're sooo soft.
Girl #2: Ooohhh. Sooo smooth.
Girl #1: Yeah, you should feel my cooch.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Gabrielle E Wolf
Just Give It a Minute
Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?
--John Jay Park
He Plays Solitaire
Guy #1: You are such a nerd.
Guy #2: You mean because I'm on my laptop during sex?
Guy #1: What?
--42nd & 8th
The Unicorns Stood for White Power
Girl #1: ...so, my professor started talking about The Diary of Anne Frank.
Girl #2: Oh, Anne Frank! I used to love her! I had the diary, the notebooks and the pencils and everything.
Queer: What?
Girl #1: I think she means Lisa Frank.
--27th & 7th
That's "the Stupidest Thing"?!
Chick: The waiter said I couldn't sit on his lap. Then he said not only couldn't I sit on his lap, that the people next to us complained that I was sitting on his lap! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life, that you can't sit on someone's lap in a restaurant. And to blame the people next to us, who were lovely?
--Our Place, 3rd Avenue
Wednesday One-Liners Carry Razor Blades and a Mirror
Thug on cell: Will I accept payment in what? In coke? Fuck no, I won't accept an eight-ball as payment. No. No way, bitch, I don't care how pure it is. Uh-uh, the only coke I do comes in five dollar rocks. I can't afford to get hooked on that expensive shit.
--49th & 7th
Oveheard by: Prefers the expensive shit
Drunk guy, to his date: The reason I'm buying all of this coke is so that we can fuck.
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Danielle
Girl: Can you imagine saying your vows when you're that coked up?
--Remsen St, Brooklyn Heights
Party girl: Oh my God, she took a picture of me one time while I was doing a line, and I was, like, so pissed!
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Dude: America runs on cocaine.
--W Broadway
Overheard by: ritajones
Goth chick: I just want to buy some fucking groceries so we don't spend all our money on coke.
--Whole Foods, 14th St
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
Every Long-Term Relationship Has Its Challenges
Amiable but very intoxicated hobo: I don't believe this, how long you been a seargent?
World's weariest transit copy: Eight years Miquel, you drunken jackass.
--Port Authority
I Know a Gift Shop That Has Everything
Girl #1: So where's Matt?
Guy #1: I don't know, is he outside?
Girl #2: I don't think so...
Matt: Hey everybody! I'm back, I got the dildo!
--Top of the Empire State Building
Overheard by: brian h
Always Whining About Their Eggs
Guy #1: I stayed the night at her place and woke early. She was still asleep.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I got up and was going to make myself breakfast. But when I cracked the egg open it got away from me.
Guy #2: Where did it go?
Guy #1: It slid down a crack between the counter and the stove.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I put everything away and climbed back into bed.
Guy #2: You know that shit is going to stink!
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it will.
--97th & Broadway
That's What Got Him There in the First Place
Wheelchair guy: Hey, let me see that football.
Dude: No, sorry.
Wheelchair guy: What, are you afraid I'm going to run away with it?
--125th & Lexington
Overheard by: brian corcoran
Homer and Apu Share All the Time
Guy #1: Did you know Bush agreed to share nuclear technology with the Indians?
Guy #2: Why do Indians need it? Oklahaoma is already a part of the US.
Guy #1: Dude, Indians as in citizens of India, a country in Asia.
Guy #2: I was never good at history.
Guy #1: You mean geography.
Guy #2: Asshole.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: margaret
No Dressing, Hold the Buns
Guy #1: Who, Trisha? Hell nah, She never calls me. She sucks.
Guy #2: Nah nigga, she doesn't suck; she licks.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: Isn't she a lesbian now or some shit?
Guy #1: I don't know!
Guy #2: Well I heard she is and like I said, she doesn't suck. She licks. The bitch eats vagiburgers.
--McDonald's, 42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shanny O.
He's Feeling You Out, Dude
Guy #1: So my daughter saw me peeing the other day and says, "Daddy, what's that?" And I say, "Penis." And she's like, "Peanuts?" And I'm like, "No, penis!" And she's like, "Peanuts!" And I'm like,
"pe-nis!" And she's like, "pea-nuts!"
Guy #2: Why are you holding your arms out when you say "penis"?
--Heartland Brewery, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: GeeGoo
I Can See Why He Proposed
Businessman lady #1: See, she always finds a way to make things about her!
Businessman lady #2: Um, she just found out she has cancer.
Businessman lady #1: So? I am getting married, it should be all about me, focus all on me. Now we have to make it about her! Ugh.
Businessman lady #2: You're not getting married till next year.
Businessman lady #1: I know that, but I am getting married. Anyway, cancer is like the flu, almost everyone is going to get it. She is not going to die from it.
Businessman lady #2: I can't believe you. You are so crass sometimes. Ugh.
Businessman lady #1: Oh, shit! What if she really does die? Then it will really be all about her. Crap.
--Wall & Water
I'm Glad I Aborted His Baby
Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.
--Starbucks, Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
--1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs...
--1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can't believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
--18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?!
--Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, tilted! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.
--23rd & 6th
It's a She, and She Would Like That
Big girl: Oh my goddd! Your doggy is soo adorable -- I just want to eat him!
Dog owner: Umm -- Thanks, I guess. [To her friend] Is that the most endearing thing she could come up with?
--37th & 7th
Overheard by: Russ
Velour Trip
Guy on drugs: What are you on?
Girl on drugs: Um, a couch?
Guy on drugs: No, what are you on?
Girl on drugs: A couch!
Guy on drugs: What drugs did you take?
Girl on drugs: Acid?
--Roxy, W 18th
So True or Complete Bullshit? You Decide
Asian guy: The freshman at Stuyvesant are more attractive than the sophomores this year.
Asian girl: That's because they lowered the standards for them last year. And dumber people are obviously way hotter than smarter ones.
--Tasty Dumplings, Chinatown
He's Got an Urgent 1 O'Clock to Get To
Hobo: You have a quarter for a cup of coffee?
Suit: Excuse me, can't you see I'm on the phone?
Hobo: I don't have time for games!
--42nd & 7th
Yeah, It's Not Like We Know What We're Doing
Guy #1: Excuse me, sir, but do you know you're white?
Guy #2: Yes, I do know that. Now will you stop following me?
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: Suriya
Who's Your Daddy?
Man: Ay, Mami, looking good today...
Woman: Can't you see I am with my son?
Little boy: You're his mommy too?
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Constantino
"Ah. The Tara Reid concealer, then."
Cosmetics guy: I was going to ask if you would like your makeup done but I can see it's perfect. You are a little red, though. Maybe some concealer? Is it allergies?
Girl: No, I'm drunk.
--Barney's, Madison Avenue
Overheard by: David Miss
More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates
Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.
--292 Lafayette St
You're Both Right!
Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!
--Edison Diner, 47th St
Overheard by: I like Dick
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch
Dude: It's all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
--L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
--Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!
--112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
--Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!
--Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
How About a Rubber Nun's Habit With a Kicky Red Headband?
Fashionista #1: We really spent a lot of money on ourselves today.
Fashionista #2: Yeah, we did some damage.
Fashionista #1: Next week we need to, like--
Fashionista #2: --Do charity work?
Fashionista #1, laughing: Seriously. Can we buy something cute for that?
--50th & 5th
Overheard by: Amused
Korean Is Halfway in Between
Hipster girl #1: Oooh. She's all Chinese and thinks she's cute. I hate her.
Hipster girl #2: Actually, she's Japanese. I'm pretty sure there's a difference.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, the price of the food.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Amber Lowery
Multitasking, the Next Level
Guy in line to pay, on cell: Hi. I'm calling to say I want a divorce. I keep calling and calling, and leaving messages, and sending you texts, but you never get back to me. So I guess this is it. I'm going to have papers drawn up unless you call me back. Okay, bye.
--J&R Computer Store, Park Row
Overheard by: Just trying to buy a PSP case
I Guess He Never Called
Teen girl #1: The only time I ever gave head I was really drunk. I just remember when he started cumming, I jumped up and screamed "Ew, gross!"
Teen girl #2: Ha, ha, ha. Who was it?
Teen girl #1: Well, that's why I think third base is disgusting. I just skip over it.
Teen girl #2: Who was it?
Teen girl #1: In conclusion, don't go to third base. Ever.
Teen girl #2: Alright.
--MoMA
No More Wireless Hangers-on, Ever!
Woman: So, has your little friend Jamie text messaged you recently?
Man: No, actually she hasn't.
Woman: That's right, because I called that fucking bitch up and told her to find her own man.
Man: Are you kidding me?
Woman: No. And by the way, your mom made me do it.
--Candela, East 17th Street
Snuffy Ain't No Secret Anymore
Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They're full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.
--13th & A
"Yeah, and my mom married an alcoholic."
Guy: Dad, you had to see this broad; she must have been 200 to 250.
Dad: Like you're some prize. You are 40, divorced, have 3 kids and live at home with your parents.
--68th & York
Overheard by: Anthony DiGangi
..And This is How They Undress
12 year old chick: You see? I told you! This is how the grown-ups dress.
--East Village
You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself
Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.
--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Victor
Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships
Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.
--Dunkin' Donuts, E 14th St
Overheard by: MK
Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that's not what I said, that's what you heard.
--1st & Ave B
Overheard by: Mollena
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.
--San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you'd totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.
--West Building, Hunter College
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
I'd Have to Grab My Own Package
Lady: If the doormen went on strike, what would they do?
Guy: They would stand outside their buildings and picket.
Lady: How is that different from their job other then the fact that
they would be holding a sign?
--3rd & A
JDate Just Crashed
Hobo: Hey baby, will you marry me? Wanna get married?
Girl: No thanks.
Hobo: Will if you won't marry me, will you at least go on a date?
Girl: I guess I'd be paying.
--Astor Place
Best Double Negative Ever
Girl #1: I have to go soon, I have a child at home.
Girl #2: Oh, an undead abortion?
--Hi Fi, Avenue A
Makes for Easy Carpet/Drapes Matching
Suit: Have you ever seen Conan in HD? His face looks like a scrotum.
--Maggie's Place, E. 47th Street
Overheard by: Grimbil
Don't Knock It 'til You've Tried It
Guy: I'o'really mess with Queens, or people from Queens. [pause] 130th Street and 5th Ave, that shit is mad weird! You ever been to his house! That shit is mad white! You never gonna get in a fight there. [pause] Who eats ketchup -- by is'self?
--Puebla Mexican Food & Coffee Shop, 1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: C-Dub
It Was a Meeting, Not a Holocaust
Suit #1: That was a pretty good meeting...
Suit #2: Yeah, we got a lot done.
Hobo: Was Liam Neeson in it?
--51st & Madison
Overheard by: BDA
Look at How Stretched-Out Her Vagina Is
Boyfriend: Y'know, you can tell she was really pretty... What?
--Bodies exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: also stared
He Was Always a Performer
Black street performer guy: I'm going to tell you something I've never told you before....I am your father.
Young white boy volunteer: ...mommy?
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Amanda
They Must've Rehearsed That for Weeks
Drunk guy: Hey there! Have we met before? I'm sure we have.
Sober girl: No, we haven't.
Drunk guy: Yeah we have! Where do I know you from?
Sober girl: No where. We've never met.
Drunk guy: YES, we have! I know we have!
Sober girl: Yeah, now that you mention it. We have met.
Drunk guy: See! I told you. Where did we meet again?
Sober girl: Your dreams, drunkie.
--Sutton Place, 53rd & 2nd