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Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Think That's Her Real Number?
Pudgy guy: I got her number.
Female friend: Oh, you did?! Wow, you must have been charming.
Pudgy guy: I know!
Female friend: I wouldn't give you my number.
Pudgy guy: Oh, I know... The alcohol helped.
--89th & 3rd
You Mean She Was Eyeballing You?
Girl #1: It's so obvious she's into you.
Girl #2: I know, I gotta tell her I'm not into girls. Last time I was there, she practically raped me with her eyes.
--86th & Lex
...But Not Really
Girl: When I look back on my life, I'm not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I'll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That's horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!
--86th and Lex
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
But It's Only a Matter of Time before We Put a Cross on the Moon
Middle-aged lady: Wait -- isn't there supposed to be a separation between church and space?
Young lady: No! Well, yes...
--87th & Lex
Overheard by: hbomb
Deadbeat Dad's Day III: Overseas Edition
Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.
--58th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Alvin Khaled
Yup, in His Side Pocket
Hipster chick: ... And then the cops came in and busted him for cocaine possession.
Old mom: Oh, goodness.
Hipster chick: Yeah, he totally didn't have that much.
Old mom: Did he have an eight-ball?
--66th & Park
Overheard by: ashley
You Need to Work on Your Technique
Jewish guy: Fat Jewish girls love Tasti D-Lite.
Jewish girl: So do Jewish guys.
Jewish guy: That's because I'm trying to find a wife.
--3rd St & 92nd Ave
Isn't He Too Busy Trying to Harpoon Kirstie Alley?
Stoner #1: We're married now.
Hoochie: We are?
Stoner #1: Yeah. We just met a sea captain, and he married us.
Stoner #2: Oh, Ahab?
--89th & York
Or a Dead Hooker's Gas?
Woman #1: So I had to go over there because his super called to say there was an odor coming out of his apartment.
Woman #2: What kind of odor? Gas or dead hooker?
--89th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tangerine
Sorry, We Can't Allow That
JAP #1: When I grow up I want to be purple.
JAP #2: What? I'm putting that on Facebook!
JAP #1: Why? I was just talking to myself... Fuck, I was talking to myself.
--82nd & Lex
Now Hurry Up and Cum So I Can Take a Shower
Thug: You a fat slut!
Thugette: I ain't fat, nigga!
--86th & Lex
That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms
Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.
--86th & Lex
I Need to Get Me Some of That Time-Travel Pussy
Grocery stock boy #1: Man, I need to get me some foreign pussy. Out of town, out of state, out of country -- shit, I just want to see what it's like.
Grocery stock boy #2: Word.
--E 79th & York
Overheard by: PBT
God's a Little Harder to See, but I'd Try
UES mom #1: We're going to Italy in August. You've taken your kids there, haven't you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there's a lot to do in Rome, but one thing -- it's expensive, but worth it -- you should go meet the pope.
--92nd & Madison
The Real Reason She Prefers Doggy Style
Man: Hey! I didn't expect to see you here.
Woman: Just gotta find a quick read.
Man: Wow. I didn't know hookers could read.
Woman: Yeah... I gotta do something while you fuck me.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lex
There Are Two Kinds of People. . .
Guy: Have you ever been to D.C. before?
Girl: Yeah I used to go there and go to museums all the time for spring break because I'm not a, you know, go-to-Mexico-and-get-date-raped kind of person.
--119th & 2nd
Overheard by: epsd101
Pure Goyish Goodness
Father: You dip it in pork?
Son: I dip it in pork.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
--Central Park
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
--Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?
--86th & 2nd
You Can Fake the Attitude, Even the Look, But In the End, Either You Have a Horizontal Vagina or You Don't
Dude #1: She's just got this, y'know, Asian air about her.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: She's got this, like, totally anime look.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah, but I wish she were really Asian.
--88th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
Think We Should Tell Her What I Got Pierced?
Woman #1: Rhoda! Did you see Chrissie's tattoo?
Woman #2: Oh no!
Woman #1: And here.
Woman #2 to teen: Are you crazy? Do you know what that shit is going to look like when you get pregnant and it stretches all out and hangs there? I ought to kick you both down these steps throwing good money away.
--Met Steps
Overheard by: Blondie
Those Are Called Babies
Girl: You feed the rats?
Man: It's not the rat's fault it's a rat.
Girl: Yeah, but rats carry diseases.
Man: So do most chicks.
--96th Street 1/2/3 station
What's More, He Has a Job He Has to Show Up at Almost Every Other Tuesday
Guy #1: Yeah, I got a lot of responsibilities being a single dad. I got three kids... I have a lot of responsibilities taking care of them. I see them every three weeks in Buffalo.
Guy #2: Yeah.
--63rd & 1st
Overheard by: Mr. Rictus
These Company Retreats Are Getting Weirder and Weirder
Jogging yuppie #1: Yeah, and then we went climbing up a cliff.
Jogging yuppie #2: Naked?
--69th & Park
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
Where Rosie Perez Was a Joy Forever
Woman looking at designer sunglasses in store window: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Man in pea coat: My man John Keats said that. John Keats, that's my man.
Woman: Where do you know that Keats line from?
Man in pea coat: White Men Can't Jump.
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Geez
... More Than Any of the Other Nuns
Stoner: She did coke, like, six times last week and was bleeding out of her nose.
Black girl: Ahhh, I love her.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: yoni
Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?
Girl, dejected: You know, it's just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah... Plus, it's a felony.
--66th & York
Overheard by: Dave C
It's Been Good Not Talking to You
Guy: You know it was just like...
Girl: Yeah...
--88th & 2nd
Hillary Knows How To Host a Re-election Party
Girl #1: Remember at that party when that stripper picked up a dollar bill with her pussy lips?
Girl #2: Ohhh, yeah -- that wasn't a stripper. That was a full-on whore.
--77th & 1st
Overheard by: mjg
Headline by: clink
Runners-Up:
· "... and It Wasn't a Dollar Bill. That Was a Full-on Penis" - Caro
· "America DOES Have Talent" - Staci Lynn
· "Because I Saw That Thing Give Change" - nicky c.
· "But We Call Her Aunt Gladys" - Mark Paul
· "I Was Just Shocked She Did It through Her Jeans." - SAtCW
· "Kind Of Like the Difference Between Maury Povich and Springer" - alana landa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"...I kicked my Mom in the testicles from the womb!"
Dude #1: I'm gonna stand up as I turn. I'd like you to kick me in the nuts. The idea is to black out, end up in the hospital, and push this off on someone else. Ready?
Dude #2: I was born ready.
--59th & Park
All Hat and No Cattle, As It Were
Old lady: I tell you, if you've seen one naked cowboy, you've seen them all!
Friend: Oh!
--87th & Park
Frankly, She's My Role Model
Columbia girl #1: His parents invited me out to Greenwich this weekend, so I took time off from my internship and was all ready to go...
Columbia girl #2: You're not going to go?
Columbia girl #1: Well, no. You know that rash I had on my right boob? It's back.
Columbia girl #2: No way!
Columbia girl #1: Seriously. You're not getting that thing near a bikini with my future mother-in-law anywhere nearby. She sniffs stuff like that out in no time. Like a bloodhound.
--E 74th St & Park
Wednesday One-Liners: Never Too Gay to Play
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
--40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he's gay...Because, well, at least he'd be gay.
--The Cloisters
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
Okay, Like Some Horrible Hybrid
Chick #1: Jessica, I'm not kidding, he looked like a beaver!
Chick #2: Christine, that's vulgar!
Chick #1: No, but seriously -- like a chipmunk!
Chick #2: But why wouldn't you say 'chipmunk' instead?
Chick #1: Because he seriously looked like a real beaver!
--77th & Madison
It's a Field Waiting for a Go-Getter Like Her
Chick #1: I think I would be a good homeless person. I would definitely be able to do it!
Chick #2: How? What the hell do you mean?
Chick #1: I can fall asleep anywhere now, and I could live off of beans and water... What? I could.
--175 Water St
Overheard by: Raquel
My Advice: Cut Holes in Your Shirt
Hot girl: I mean, dudes are going to be staring at you anyway, but if your nipples are poking through your shirt then it's just all over.
Nerdy Guy: Wow... Yeah!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: rad dude
"It's a date!"
Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don't have to worry about leaving the country...not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it's not an issue...This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it's a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you're my professor, and female, but not to say you aren't good looking...
Professor: Um, okay, so let's pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I'll see you on Friday.
--Hunter North Building, East 69th Street
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Girl: I guess I'll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine's.
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Toby Boudreaux
Hold the Mayo
Woman: Having sex with him was the same as eating a slice of plain Wonder bread while looking in the window of a Crate and Barrel.
--York & 70th
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So That's Who Sparks Wrote Their Song About
Girl #1: All old people talk about is food.
Girl #2: Well, all we talk about is sex.
--71st & 3rd
Overheard by: sandy fishnets
That and Watch a Lot of Daytime TV
Girl #1: Oh my god! I haven't seen you in ages!
Girl #2: I know, it's been a while -- you look great!
Girl #1: You do, too! Your hair has grown a lot since I last saw you.
Girl #2: I know what you mean -- it's all it does.
--E 86th St and Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Keeps Failing the Entrance Exam
Woman: She worked in a lesbian bar... She is not a lesbian.
Man: Well, she should be a lesbian.
Woman: Yes, exactly.
--87th & Lex
Kinda Like How Standing Next to You Makes Me Feel Thin
Biotech: Like, the only reason I like living in Brooklyn is because everyone's a mess, so it makes me so feel normal, you know?
Friend: Yeah.
--E 77th, between 2nd & 3rd
"Makes Sense": Delegating Sovereignty to Brussels
Girl: How come music downloads here cost $1 and they cost $0.10 in Europe?
Guy: Because anything that makes sense can't happen in America any more.
Girl: Fair enough.
--86th & 1st
Wow, That's Like, Kant or Something
Girl: [chuckling] You know what's funny? We always manage to notice how much other people stink but we could never gauge how bad we smell.
Guy: Heh. That's so true!... Wait, you said that just to tell me how bad I smell.
Girl: Yeah.
--94th & Park
Overheard by: hunter 05
He's a Service Rat
Deli guy: You can't have that dog in here.
Lady: But he's a service dog!
Deli guy: What? We'll get a ticket if you have a dog in here.
Lady: He's a service dog. He's just like a seeing eye dog.
Deli guy: What is he, a chihuahua? A poodle? He's not a seeing eye dog.
Lady: He's a Pomeranian! And he's a service dog! He even has a little vest, do you need me to put him in his little vest?
Deli guy: He look like a rat with a wig on.
Lady: He's a service dog! You can't make me leave! He's just like a seeing eye dog!
Deli guy: But you're not blind!
Lady: I could sue you if you make me leave! I'll put him in his little vest, then you'll see!
--Bagel Mill, 88th & Lex
Overheard by: Loretta P.
So I Lured Him into the Sauna and Locked Him in with a Store Mannequin
Hoochie #1: He was so drunk he just pushed my legs together and started humping them.
Hoochie #2: How did that work? Wasn't it dry?
Hoochie #1: He was sweating so much it acted like lube!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter
Eh, He Saw It in the Rack by the Register While He Was Waiting in Line
Woman #1: Oh, and he bought a cow.
Woman #2: He bought a cow?!
Woman #1: He just went off and bought a cow!
Woman #2: Huh... What he need a cow for?
--110th & Lenox
Awww, Wednesday One-liners
Little boy to his mother: Mommy, remember the last time you made a mistake?
--Manhattan-bound A train
Boy with ice cream: Does the five-second rule apply to sidewalks?
--92nd & Madison
Little boy to duck: Uh, what the fuck, dude?
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: robin b
What do You Mean, 'Jewish'? I Thought This Was Some Kind of Giant Robot Cartoon!
Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.
--60th & Madison
Just Give It a Minute
Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?
--John Jay Park
Try Ben & Jerry's Next Door
Guy: I need a cigarette...I need a cigarette...I need a cigarette!
Barista chick: Yeah, well I need a blunt but I can't get one right now!
--Starbucks, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: Caro
Not Even Bong Barbie?
Hipster chick: Ugh, dolls. Dolls are so creepy. I'm never letting my kid have a doll. Drugs, yes. Dolls, no.
--UES
Distinguishing Characteristics
Where: E. 86th St.
Mother to kindergartener: "You do too know who Derek Jeter is! He da one with da nice butt--BOOM!!"
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I'm just saying, I think it's weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
--Outside Bergdorf's, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready... The one for the video... You can't hear me? I'm on a bus, not an airplane! It's not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you're telling me you can't understand what I'm saying... Yes, I have her ready for the video... The girl! ... About twenty minutes... Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
--M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn't paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up... Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we'll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
--Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
"Yeah, and my mom married an alcoholic."
Guy: Dad, you had to see this broad; she must have been 200 to 250.
Dad: Like you're some prize. You are 40, divorced, have 3 kids and live at home with your parents.
--68th & York
Overheard by: Anthony DiGangi
Maureen Makes the Transition to Casual Celibacy
Young girl #1: The guy hasn't called me in, like, a week...
Young girl #2: His loss.
Young girl #1: But I didn't even get to hook up with him!
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: MattyG
She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square
Little boy: She's just a freakin' cheater. That's all!
Old lady: Don't call your mother that.
--79th & 2nd
Even If She Lives
20-something girl: You know, it's just not in Donna... It's just not in her hema-... hema-... What's it called? It's just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she'll just never look good.
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Abby
They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?
Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.
--61st & 10th
NewsFlash: More Little Boys Can Locate the G-Spot Than Can Locate Maryland on a Map
Little boy: Sometimes I get confused. Daddy does it like this.
Mom: It's not about the motion. See, look at my finger...
--89th & Park
Overheard by: MojoSaves
No, We're Just Going to McDonalds
Old woman inside apartment: You gotta come here and look at this!
Old man: Do I gotta put my pants on to come see it?
--80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jo
I'm Just a Poor Sport, I Guess
Suit #1: I don't know why you only take pictures of dead golfers.
Suit #2: Haha... I know.
--E 64th St & Park
He Gave Her Directions off the Queensborough Bridge
Tourist lady: Ahem ... excuse me sir ... em .. Could you tell us how to get to Central Park from here?
Dude: Sure, just take a left on 72nd and walk straight on.
Tourist lady to husband: See, I told you New Yorkers aren't rude if you talk to them nice.
Dude: I'm from Idaho, ma'am, I'm just here for Memorial weekend.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: Jason
America's Next Top Cripple
Man: Miss! You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your hair! Are you interested in modeling?
Chick: Uh--
Man: I love the way you walk. Imagine! Down a runway!
Chick: It's because my heel is broken, you fuckhead.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Passerby
The Black Israelites Are Usually More Conspicuous
Bag lady: Hey, can I bum a smoke?
Hipster guy: I bummed this one.
Bag lady: Ching-chong, ching-ching-ching-ching-chong!
She enters CVS and comes back.
Bag lady: Ching-chong, ching-chong.
Hipster guy: You're a fat ugly bitch.
Bag lady: You're a chink.
Hipster guy: Why don't you say that to my face?
Bag lady: I will. My boyfriend will kick your ass!
Hipster guy: Why do you have to start with me right now?
Bag lady: Because you're a chink. You're Chinese, right?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Japanese?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Umm...Korean?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Asian?
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Nakul Patel
Seems Like More of a Gustav Klimt Conversation
Woman: So ummm, what do you think about this painting?
Man: I can't believe you said I kiss exactly like my brother!
Woman: I love Monet, he uses such vivid colors...
Man: Yuck, now it feels like I've kissed my brother as well!
--The Met
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When he Started to Bomb me Over Christmas Break, That Was the Last Straw
Volunteer #1: So, any presidents this week?
Volunteer #2: No, only Henry Kissinger.
Volunteer #1: Oh, I went to high school with him and his brother. They both asked me out, but I wasn't going to go out with a German refugee.
--The Guggenheim
Overheard by: ash
Welcome to NY; Now Get the Fuck Out of Here
Tourist: Excuse me, but do you know how I can get to Penn station?
Woman in camo: Do I look like a fucking tour guide?
Tourist: Now that's what I came to New York to find!
--5th & 82nd
Oh, Oh -- Stand Back!
Young woman: I drink a tea for that.
Middle-aged yenta: Does it make you poop? I should drink some of that.
Young woman: You couldn't handle it.
Middle-aged yenta: Is it that bad?
Young woman: No, you just don't know when to expect it. It could come at any time.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
Or a blind Venetian, more likely
Woman: He's so horny he'd fuck a venetian blind.
--Starbucks, UES
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
He Should've Given Her a Break on the Water
Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?
--E 68th & 3rd ave
Wednesday One-liners Found "The One"
Suit on cell: It's sex: somebody's always taking advantage of someone else...Oh shit, this girl just gave me a look. That's gonna be on Overheard tomorrow, I just know it.
--45th & Lexington
Overheard by: No, not her
Nothing Makes Me Come Like Some Zyklon, Redux
Queer: Why do you like him? The guy behind us in the black shirt is so much hotter.
Hag: Ew...
Queer: You know I like those big, rough German types...if he put me in a camp, just imagine all the terrible things he would do to me.
Hag: ...Would you stop staring at him?
Queer: I so want him to rape me.
Hag: Get over it, he's not gay!
Queer: Whatever, if we were in prison he'd so be doing me.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Smack Jack
Guy: This is going to sound awful but Ryan Gosling was really hot in that movie where he played the Nazi with the shaved head.
Girl: Yeah, he was a hot Nazi in that movie. A hotzi, if you will.
--92nd Street Y
Overheard by: Kelly
Wednesday One-liners by Eve Ensler
Teen boy: You aren't pussy-whipped. She's your mother.
--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Carl G
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers
Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, 'Partly sunny.' Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, 'Party cloudy.' They're all different.
--NYU residence hall, Lafayette St
Overheard by: Rusty V
Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of
Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.
--Hamilton Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: alex
High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn't rain... I don't know, I haven't read that far yet.
--Spring St
Overheard by: Dan
Suit on cell: It's raining like a whore!
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Own Eight-Sided Dice
Loud, nerdy guy: They're basically a bunch of shitty MySpace kids with mutant powers. Like the hedgehog kid: his power is that spikes come out of his body, what the fuck is that? I could roll around in glue and syringes and get that guy's power.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Zoh
Middle-Aged man: I think vampires are kind of stupid. They seem to care an awful lot about how they look and what others think. It's like, who cares? You're six hundred years old and on your way to hell, hello?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Someone who thinks he has a point
Asian girl: One of my cousins is a dragon.
--32nd St
Overheard by: sneakyintern
Wednesday One-Liners Failed Third Grade, Just Like Einstein
Queer: Fuck you! I'm a smart gay!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Accidental ironist: Yeah, obviously he has no sense of smartness.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Casti
Hipster guy: I erased two years of my life with drugs. Two solid years! But I'm too smart to erase more than that.
--Chinatown bus
Girl on cell: They said that I'm smart, and that I can articulate well. But I'm not... you know... Oh, whatever.
--Queensboro Community College
Overheard by: LizDayglow
Tween boy to dad: I'm looking for a girl who's younger and smarter.
--71st & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Frank Lloyd Wright Is Spinning in His Ugly-Ass Grave
Guy #1: What's that? A parking garage?
Guy #2 [alarmed]: That's the Guggenheim!
--Across the street from the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Mary T Helmes Sheely
She Knows What "Wishful Thinking" Means
Girl #1: I despise books about political science.
Girl #2: I just despise books.
Girl #1: You know, if I paid attention in class, I would know what, like, half these words meant.
--Shakespeare & Co., 69th & Lexington
Welcome Back to School, New York
Professor guy: Remember, next week's exam will cover all the material from the past three weeks.
Chick: Uh, 'scuse me? When are we going to get to the Zodiac signs?
Professor guy: Um, you do know this is astronomy and not astrology, right?
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Hello Clairice
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
Wednesday One-Liners Think Ancient Greece Is the Word
Old lady, standing in front of the Leda and the Swan statue: Gee, I guess she must really like that swan.
--The Met
Frat boy: She was real "Helen of Troy" pussy.
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: the fiend
Wednesday One-liners Make Me Sick
Black lady: I don't eat fried food. Grease is the enemy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted fried food all the time. This one day, I left work to go eat some fried fish, and I ate it. And I stayed there. And you know what happened? The grease came up and the fish stayed down.
--Precious Nails, 94th & 3rd
Suit #1 to suit #2: We can do whatever you want today. I just don't like the stuff you make me do that makes me throw up.
--AJ Maxwell's, 48th & 6th
Overheard by: their waitress
No, We Really Don't
Chick: You know how you wanted to call him up and say it's not personal, you just want to be friends? Don't. They need to be told. They don't know that they're idiots.
--Our Place, 3rd Avenue
Yuppie Fantasies
Young Woman #1: I have to go to this "dungeon" for my Sexual Psychology class. Do you want to come?
Young Woman #2 in her mid-twenties: Is it like an S&M thing?
Young Woman #1: I don't know. It's like they act out different sexual
fantasies with whips and stuff.
Young Woman #2: OK, that sounds cool.
-- Upper East Side
Beautiful and Witty
Drunk guy: Why should I invite you up to my apartment?
Drunk girl: Because I'm beautiful ASSHOLE!
--80th & 2nd
What is Hardcore? (NYC Short Stories)
Girl: Wow, last night I was so drunk. I can't believe that I got so
wasted off only a pint of gin. In first year I could drink like twice that amount and party all night.
Guy: So you were hardcore then?
Girl: Naw, I wasn't hardcore, I was just an idiot.
--NYU A bus
Guy: Have you ever drank the worm?
Girl: Oh, hell yeah. And that's hardcore 'cause I'm a vegetarian.
--McCabe's Liquor Store, 3rd Avenue
And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier
Older woman: What's the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o'clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I'm sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it's seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Arun
The Goyim Say 'Jew-Pimples'
Teenage girl #1: Do you say, "Goose-pimples"?
Teenage girl #2: No...Jewish people say that.
--81st St
Overheard by: JAP
It's Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah
Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I'll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?
--Stabrucks, 78th & Lex
Then Stop Talking to Me Already
Urinal user: Hey!
Stall user: Yeah?
Urinal user: You doing number one in there?
Stall user: Um . . . yeah.
Urinal user: Good! Because if you're talking when you're doing number two it don't come out right.
--87th & 1st
I'm Rubber, You Sniff Glue
Woman #1: I think you're an alcoholic.
Woman #2: I think you're an alcoholic.
Woman #1: What is this? An intervention for fifth-graders?
--96th & 1st
Tovarish, I Suggest You Go Do Just That
Russian guy on cell: Who wouldn't want to fuck me? I'm tall, handsome, talkative, and intelligent. Hell I want to fuck myself.
--68th & 1st
Overheard by: laura holden
Teaching the Golden Rule
Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let's go in that one.
She points to the men's room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can't go in there until you're 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.--Panorama, 85th and 2nd
Headline by: Michael Johns
Runners-Up:
· "Hoochie-mama Knows Best" - senzanome
· "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" - William Levy
· "Daddy Always Lets Me" - David Kafrissen
· "Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party" - Marc
· "Old enough to pee, good enough for me" - Big Jacobi
· "Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception" - MarcusJ
· "Mind Your Pees And Queues" - Dave Barnette
· "This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi" - RyRy
Honorable mentions:
· ".... And he's really good looking, or he has coke" - Ryan
· "It's also OK if you're dragged" - Steve Estes
· "Don't forget to put the seat back up when you're done." - Deek
· "Therapist session (retroactive)" - noa
· "Passing the Torch" - Jessy B
· "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden" - M. Walker
· "Barfly: Generations" - Derek L.
· "Paris Hilton's First, And Last, Babysitting Gig" - John P.
· "Never To Early To Have Penis Envy" - Brian Drew
· "Void Where Prohibited" - Dave Barnette
· "Or completely out of money" - Natalie
· "How to raise a winner" - Adina C
· "Because that's how you'll get respect, honey" - Amanda
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Must Be an Existentialist
Guy #1: Man, what's wrong with your eye? It's all red.
Guy #2: Nah, man, I'm just tired, that's all.
Guy #1: You're tired in one eye?
--116th & Lexington
Overheard by: Sam J. Miller
"Or Daddy's hentai?"
Little girl: Mommy, what's this?
Mom: Japanese art. You know, like in Mulan.
--The Met
He Must Have Been Following Orders
Queer: What? Are you calling me a nerd? Do I look like I pay attention in class? I got a D+ so in your face, bitch! Oh, guess who I fucked last night?
Girl: Could you say that any louder? Who?
Queer: Myself.
--Hunter West Building, 68th & Lexington
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
He Ate the Rest of His Litter
Guy #1: That's a cute dog.
Guy #2: Thanks, she's my daughter.
Guy #1: ...How is that possible?
Guy #2: Yeah, that's right: I gave birth to her, she came out of my vagina.
--98th & 5th
Wednesday One-liners, Minority Report
Girl on cell: Ya know, it's the smart people not having kids, or maybe having one or two. Its the uneducated that are reproducing more uneducated people. You know that 64% of kids born today are minority. We should build that fence bewteen us and Mexico.
--Ray Bari, 56th & 3rd
Very busy person: In class I start saying "African American" and then I'm like, fuck it, and I say "black black black..." I don't have time to be saying "African American."
--27th & 10th
Wednesday One-liners Count Calories
Woman on cell: Caviar? Nigga, ain't no caviar in Harlem.
--57th & 8th
It's Not Capitalism If There Aren't Hobos with AIDS
Woman #1: I'm talking about beggars who ask for money, say they have AIDS, and will spit on you.
Woman #2: That's not really begging anymore, now is it?
Woman #1: No...that's called Free Enterprise.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
Popeye's Does the Voodoo Stuff
Teen girl #1: We're not going to KFC! Their food is, like, poison.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, they kill their chickens alive.
--96th & Lexington
Overheard by: AG
Temporal Displacement?
Chick: Let's go to the other wing. I'm not that interested in seeing the modern art.
Guy: Then why are we at the Museum of Modern Art?
--The Met
Overheard by: djlindee
Goats Will Eat Anything
Visitor lady #1: What was the name of your vibrator? Was it Pedro or Paco?
Visitor lady #2: No, it was my first one: Sergei.
Visitor lady #1: What? Why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?
Patient guy: ...My first goat's name was Pedro.
--Mount Sinai Rehabilitation Center, Gustave Levy Place
Overheard by: Lindroid
Yes, It's Called Tanning
Guy: Your dad has really cool sunglasses.
Girl: Yeah, they're the kind that get darker when it gets light.
Guy: I knew a girl like that once.
--93rd & Park
More Things Parents Just Don't Understand
Mother: What did you say? He's a professor of cold-cut studies?
Daughter: No, mom! He's a professor of Holocaust studies!
--74th & 3rd
Actually Sunday's the Day When God's Asleep
Father: You wanna go pee-pee here?
Son: No!
Father: C'mon, I'll hold you up, you can go in the trash can.
Son: No! I don't wanna, they can see!
Father: Who? Oh, don't worry, it's not Sunday.
--84th & Park
Overheard by: Gabriel Lombardi
It Was More of a Simile
Guy #1: Is this that beer I left here last time?
Girl: No, I just can't open it.
He tries to, fails, and says: Oh I see, you mean you can't open it physically.
Guy #2: As opposed to what, metaphorically?
--UES apartment
Overheard by: ian
Pencil Envy
A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil.
Boss: I don't ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger?
--UES
Overheard by: Mindi Laine
I would do it too if I could
Yuppie: "And I thought, why are you climbing down a hole if you're wearing a $2,500 shirt?"
-- Upper East Side
Even Ebert Didn't Catch That
Man: Is Tom Hanks married to Rita Wilson?
Two women: Yeah.
Man: Is that why they called the Volleyball "Wilson" in Cast Away?
--97th & 5th
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
It's Probably More Like Thirty-seconds
Suit #1: I screwed one of the new piece of ass last night.
Suit #2: You mean the li'l one, the new one?
Suit #1: Yeah, Jen, the new girl on 15.
Suit #2: Dude, I just smashed her the other day at lunch! Are you fucking kidding me?
Suit #1: You're clean, right?...'cause I'm going back for seconds.
--75th & Lexington
The LA Flames Have Reached Manhattan
Piano Player: This song from 1980 by Christopher Cross is my favorite song in the whole world.
--Piano Bar, UES
Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)
Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?
--Cafeteria, the Met
Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!
--Brooklyn bound C train
Overheard by: ryan
Girl: Man, it's hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!
--American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg
Idle dreamer: Man...I wish I had, like, 59 butts.
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i still sell the iPods
Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!
--Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens
Teen boy: I'm gonna spread your booty cheeks.
--108th & Manhattan
Overheard by: N
Man: Shit, I'll eat a pig's ass if they fry it right.
--471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Uh Oh, She's Radioing for Backup
Cashier girl: You have more than 10 items.
White man: Who are you? Are you the items police?
Cashier girl: You're only allowed to have 10 items.
White man: Fine, but I have two of the same items, so does that count as one item or two?
Cashier girl: I have to call the manager.
--D'Agostino, 76th & Lexington
Overheard by: Andrew Saint John Goodwin
The Bedwetting She's Made Her Peace With
Woman: ...I am just trying to figure out why you thought it was okay for you to pack for a weekend at my parents' home, in a backpack.
Man: What's wrong with my backpack? You know I don't own an overnight bag.
Woman: How can your only alternative be a fucking backpack? You can't understand how that would be embarrassing for me? Jesus, Adrian, you're 37 years old and you're still traveling with a backpack?
--70th & 3rd
Overheard by: K. Bumsted
Another Dot-com Victim
Into an unplugged phone, a hobo yells: Honey, honey, I told you not to call me in the office!
--LES
It's Every Jewish Mother's Dream
Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend...what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I'll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I'll be like, oh Styx just called me.
--98th & Madison
Overheard by: nathalie
Here Come the Octuplets
Guy: You want to have lunch with me next week?
Girl: Sure, but not on Monday. I'm getting married.
Guy: You are? Really?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: To who? Is it Norman?
Girl: No, it's whoever my dad chose.
--68th Street station
Overheard by: Babs Monroe
Wednesday One-liners with an Attitude
Girl on cell: Can you hear me when I roll my eyes?
--82nd & York
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung
It's a Late Wednesday One-liners Lunch
Guy: I really hate the concept of Starbucks, but they really have the best product.
--85th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
Phase Two: Forced to Eat Their Kids
Girl: I never understand why people run on treadmills. It's like they're gerbils or something.
Guy: Yeah. They should be forced to eat all their food in pellet form.
--67th & 1st
Overheard by: BSinnott
Upon Hearing How Dated and Tacky They Were, the Klan Immediately Decided to Disband
Tween girl on cell: I can't believe there are still Ku Klux Klan members around. Isn't that, like, so fifties?
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: Like, so someone who overheard this
Why They Got Rid of Open Admissions
Dad: See that building, honey?
Little daughter: Yeah
Dad: It's Hunter College. It's where they train hunters! Elmer Fudd goes there.
Little daughter: Uh hum.
--M79 bus
Where Are They Now?: Mr. Drummond
Hobo: Where the fuck is Park Avenue? What is going on? What the fuck? Where the fuck is Park Avenue?
Girl: If you just take a right at the next street and keep going, you'll hit it.
Hobo: I don't fucking care! If I had a gun I'd fucking shoot you! Pow!
--87th & 2nd
That's for Bulimics Only
Woman: Oh, I wanted a large popcorn. I thought you said this size was the biggest?
Movie guy: It is.
Woman: What about the bucket over there? It looks bigger.
Movie guy: It is.
Woman: Well, if this is the large, what's the bucket?
--City Cinemas, E. 86th Street
Overheard by: JDH
She Could Have Said "Uterus"
Girl #1: Ugh! It's horrible out! It feels like I'm in someone's lung!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: It's just so moist and warm out here; it's like being in a giant lung.
Girl #2: ...that's the most disgusting description I think I've ever heard.
--74th & Madison
Overheard by: Sarah
Sure Sounds Like "Yes" to Me...
Tourist guy: Excuse me! Are you a New Yorker?
Woman: No!
--34th & 7th
Man: Do you want to go into any of these shops?
Woman: Um...
Man: Oh, that's a yes. Whenever a woman responds with anything other than an emphatic "no", it means yes.
--78th & Madison
Cribs With N-Man: Yo, Dog, Check My Cell
Intern #1: So I was watching this thing on TV about Nelson Mandela.
Intern #2: I don't remember him.
Intern #1: He's famous.
Intern #2: Oh yeah, didn't he used to be a host on MTV?
--59th & Lex
Red-handed, Huh? With What Were They Stained?
Girl #1: I saw this homeless girl on the street who looked our age and I felt so bad.
Girl #2: So did you give her money?
Girl #1: No, my nails were wet.
--62nd & Lexington
How to Do Laundry, NYC Edition
Woman: Excuse me. I have to put something in my dryer.
Girl folding clothes: Oh, okay.
Woman: Excuse me! I have to put something else in my dryer.
Girl: O-kay...
Woman: Now I have to take something out of my dryer...unbelievable.
Girl: Wow, you're a case!
Woman: I'm a what?!
Girl: A case. I've never seen anybody so worked up over laundry.
Woman: Well, you haven't lived very long, have you?
Girl: Not as long as you!...Have a nice day!
Woman: Fuck you!
--York Launderette, York Avenue and E. 82nd
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
Screw Ewe, Too!
Teen boy #1: ....So yeah, I was like, "fuck those sheeps, man!"
Teen boy #2: Wait, did you really say that?
Teen boy #1: Nah, I said "sheep." "Sheeps" isn't a real word.
--outside the Met
Wednesday One-liners Miss Lilith Fair
Girl: If anybody is gonna bring back the cape it will probably be a
lesbian.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Bright Lights, Big Sprinkles
Businessman lady: I'll have a light latte please, with brown sugar. You do have brown sugar, don't you?
Countergirl: Um, no.
Businessman lady: Well, then give me your finest, finest grade sugar, all right?
Countergirl: Oh. Sure.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 93rd & 1st
Overheard by: Gina Loiacono
Wednesday One-liners by Athletes, for Athletes
Dude: Shit man, slow down. Slow down. Whatcha runnin' to?Yoga? Nigga's runnin' to yoga. White man runnin' to yoga. Thought yoga was supposed to cure that shit.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-liners Love Bathroom Humor
Old woman: My mother kept saying that she wants to have carpet installed over her stone floors, but I don't think that's such a good idea. She's incontinent, and as I always say, "carpeting and
incontinence do not belong in the same sentence!"
--Office, 66th & York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
Well, Cajun Life at Least (Too Soon?)
Little girl: Mommy, I'm getting wet! I don't want to get wet!
Mommy: Yeah? Well, I'm getting wet too, Samantha! That's life!
--116th & Lexington
Overheard by: JMP
Except for All Those Fetuses
Girl #1: I think that most men prefer it closed.
Girl #2: You think? I would figure open to be easier access.
Girl #3: Oh, for God's sake! No one has ever rejected me because of my vagina!
--61st & Madison
If You Axe Me, It Sure is a Secret
Guy: Where do you fall in the debate over wearing deodorant versus body odor?
Girl: Um, I didn't realize there was a debate.
--70th & York
Quit Lying, You Horny Prick
Lanky guy: I really don't like these new jeans you got me. They're way too tight in the waist and legs, but baggy in the butt, and at least two inches too short. Plus they're boot cut, and I don't wear any boots!
Girl: Those are my jeans.
Lanky guy: Oh. Well, that would explain the lack of room in the crotch, then.
--64th & Lexington
Overheard by: Adria
I Sense a Craigslist Ad Coming
Chick #1: What's the matter?
Chick #2: My fucking tits are sore and I'm starting to get horny. My period is probably coming. Shit.
Chick #1: That happens to you too? I thought it was just me.
Chick #2: I am so fucking horny I would fuck any man right now.
Chick #1: You got it bad.
Chick #2: I'll just go home and use my vibrator, what the hell.
--68th & Lexington
Overheard by: princess
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Nike Does -- They're Called Knee Pads
Girl #1: I think I should get these high heel shoes 'cause Joe is really tall so I need to like, be able to reach him when I'm giving him head.
Girl #2: But...how would that help? You're gonna be on your knees anyway.
Girl #1: Oh, that's true. Hmm, do you think Steve makes something for that?
--Steve Madden, 83rd St.
Overheard by: Amanda Fox
That International Five Ring Circus
Woman: So the Olympics are in Italy?
Man: Yeah, Torino.
Woman: Where's that?
Man: Italy.
--Bryant Park
Wednesday One-liners Don't Speak Truth
Guy on cell: Oh, wow, that's too bad. You know I would help you out if I were in New York. I am on the West Coast, I flew out yesterday, I am standing on Rodeo Drive.
--73rd & 3rd
Wednesday One-liners Prefer Metro
AM New York guy: AM New York! Get your same shit, different fucking day newspaper! AM New York! Same shit! Different fucking day!
--96th & Lexington
Overheard by: Owen JG
Finishing Together Should Be Easy by Now
Very old lady to husband: You asshole! YOU ASSHOLE! I hate you.
Old husband: Wha?
Old lady: You didn't wait for me, you fucking asshole.
--Clearview Cinemas, 62nd & 1st
Sir, Kim Cattrall is With Flaw
Guy #1: I met this girl, she was perfect.
Guy #2: Whaddya mean?
Guy #1: She was like a mannequin.
Guy #2: Interesting concept...
--77th & Lexington
Overheard by: Jules Cattie
Costello's Reincarnation Seeks a New Partner
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: What?
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: "Perhaps"?
Woman: Yeah, there's this dog called Perhaps that hangs around here. Yours looks just like it.
--Carl Schurz Park, Upper East Side
Overheard by: guillermo echevarria
Someone's Not Getting Laid Tonight
Girlfriend: It's just because she's so...unconventional.
Boyfriend: By "unconventional", do you mean "pretty"?
--86th & Park
Overheard by: CStix
Mark Felt Hands Over His Title
Teen girl #1: So I was like, "Ew dude, stop, you're too small. I don't even feel nuttin'!"
Teen girl #2: Yo, he gotta be at least 10 inches for me to even consider it.
--68th & 2nd
Overheard by: Monique
She Worked the INS in McDonaldland
Crazy lady: Yo! Uh...man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren't you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: No! I know Diedre. Now don't be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I'm prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That's very nice. That'll be 5.98 total, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I'm gone now. You can't see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.
--Papaya King, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg
He Went There So He Could Announce It Publicly
Girl: Do you all have a financial planner? I think it's very important.
Guy: I didn't go to Harvard Business School just to let some guy from Cornell manage my money.
--Artisanal, Park Avenue
Overheard by: Swirve
What An Ass
Guy: I don't want to be drunk in front of her.
Girl: What? Why not?
Guy: I don't want her to see me like that.
Girl: But face down on the floor is really the only way to see you.
--84th & 2nd
Overheard by: mortimer stackendanch
Too Bad Investment Bankers Aren't Tired of School Boys
HS girl #1: I'm just so tired of school boys.
HS girl #2: Yeah. Me too. I'm pretty much all about investment bankers now.
HS girl #1: Oh my god. I'm so going to invite you to my next investment banker party.
--78th & Lex
But There's No 'Where' There
Chick: So where in Iowa are you from?
--UES
I Expect Steady Progress Toward Quiet Desperation
Seven-year-old: I want to take a year off.
Dad: You are not taking a year off.
Seven-year-old: But I want to party.
Dad: You cannot take a year off to party!
--83rd & Park
And All She Ever Ate Was JFK's Penis
Middle-aged, overweight woman #1: How can these brownies be low fat? Look at these ingredients! Walnuts, almonds... This can't be low fat!
Woman #2 points to a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall.
Woman #1: She was a size twelve, you know.
--Cafe Bacio, 71st & 1st
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Hillary Doesn't Look a Day Over 70
Woman #1: Well, how old is she?
Woman #2: She's about 77 and almost blind, but she's still a raging liberal.
Woman #1: Really.
Woman #2: Yeah, she's not too old to still call George Bush an asshole.
--83rd & Park
We're Considering Branding Wednesday One-liners
Woman: This is my favorite part...of the worst song ever.
--MTV Studios, Times Square
Man on cell: No, it is not like the time I farted at Target and blamed in on that old woman!
--22nd & Park
Overheard by: Bill Ray
Drunken yuppie guy: I want my Subway sandwich! I want my Subway sandwich! Tuna and onions! Yeah, you heard me. Girls love big cocks. Girls love big cocks! These girls know. I'm on...I'm on Comedy Central! I'm a redneck on Comedy Central! My name is Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! I'm from Texas where girls suck cock for a dime!
--32nd & 2nd
Woman: Did you hear Cooter wouldn't endorse that remake?
--7 train
Overheard by: Todd Horan
Guy: God, I feel like I'm trapped in a fucking Hallmark Card.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Shoshana
Latina: ...and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, "You are a good person" and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy--what is his name?--Yoga said, "He is on the dark side" and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
It Depends On What Your Definition of "Ugly" Is
Woman #1: I'm ready for ugly, if it keeps me warm in bed.
Woman #2: I don't know about that.
--UES
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
I Still Can't Take Her for 18 Hours
Guy: No, I don't wanna see that bitch again.
Girl: Oh, it's not that bad. It's like... You have your arm around me, and you're wearing a bra.
--E 93rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Kerri
Wednesday One-liners Will Miss Greenspan
Chick on cell: I need you to give me a ride home when I get off the bus. My grandma has been standing in front of my house for over one hour...I bet you anything she needs money again.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Julio
Overheard Goes to the Cinema
Girl #1: He fine.
Girl #2: Who? Anakin?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Finer den Usher?
Girl #1: Nah, nobody finer den Usher.
--The Pavilion, Park Slope
Black guy: Yo, fuck the Jedi. It's all about the Dark Side. I'm the other Dark Lord you've been looking for.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Joshua S.
Girl: Oh my god, all this time I thought I was a Buddhist, but I'm really a Sith.
--UA movie theater, Union Square
Overheard by: Lara Evangelista
Wednesday One-liners
Russian lady: She loves to travel. Like some people alcoholics? She
loves to travel.
--Funayama, Greenwich Avenue
Guy on cell: Hey Maria? It's John...from Biology...Oh, you can't talk? OK. I love you. Bye.
--Washington Square Park
Euro chick: No silly, American football is like a girly version of rugby, they have rules and pads.
--66th & Lexington
Man: Look at all these little bananas! I don't want none a these. These little bananas are for ladies.
--28th & Park fruit stand
Woman: You think that the players look at their butts in the mirror to see what we see?
--Yankee Stadium bleachers
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
Now Shut the Fuck Up, You Unwanted Accident
Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
--Upper East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Take Up Hobbies
Middle-aged woman: I really never cared for skiing, but I was so alone in my marriage, I found it was a great way to meet men.
--Burritoville, 77th & 2nd
Meathead #1, to meathead #2: Hey! Want to go to a ballroom club?
--47th & Madison
Guy, to passersby: Game of chess? Play chess? Chess?...Also got chronic.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Phil
Wednesday One-liners Stock Up on Nair
Man with facial hair: You can only really pull off a Fu Man Chu if you're a cop, a gay porn star, or a pirate.
--Virgin Records, Times Square
Guy to his girlfriend: You are one hairy bastard
--78th & 1st
Is That a "No"?
Queer #1: I woke up this morning with a used condom hanging from my ass. Was that you?
Queer #2: You are so disgusting.
--Cilantro's, 89th & 2nd
Overheard by: Srednivashtar
Clearly Education Majors
Girl #1: I always get so much more jazzed after drinking Diet Pepsi than regular Pepsi.
Girl #2: Well, that's because Diet Pepsi has soooo much more sugar than regular Pepsi.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Overheard by: Mallory McMahon
"...and gimme a cheese with nuttin'."
Cashier: Do you want anything on it?
Buyer: What?
Cashier: Do you want anything on your hot dog?
Buyer: Yes.
Cashier: What would you like?
Buyer: Nothing.
--Papaya's, 86th & 3rd
Eddie Murphy is a Liar
Drunk girl: I've never been above ground before.
Dude: Where are you going?
Drunk girl: 96th and Park.
Dude: We're in Queens right now. Queens is not where you want to be.
--N train
Overheard by: Brandi Brown
It's Not Looking Good, Wednesday One-liners
Guy: If Hitler were still alive and he were gay you would have thought he'd decorated that apartment. It was a soulless aesthetic abomination.
--Madison between 60th & 61st
Overheard by: daisy anna freund
I Think I Can Hazard A Guess
Guy #1: Yeah, so I failed fourth grade twice.
Guy #2: Hmm...
Guy #1: They said I cheated on a test, but I didn't, but they still failed me.
Guy #2: So did you fail fourth grade twice or did you just repeat fourth grade?
Guy #1: Oh, I have no idea.
--92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Shanon H.
More Like a Valid Fucking Complaint
Woman #1: He was complaining about how pussy tastes.
Woman #2: Well, that's a fucking valid complaint, if I ever heard one.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
...or a Metrocard
Girl: The party is out in Brooklyn? Are you kidding me? I swear you need a passport to get out there.
--UES
Wednesday One-liners Speak Well English
Girl on cell: Oh my God, I am like so uncoherent today.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Athens Mol
Or Trying to Read It
Girl #1: How does she afford to live here?
Girl #2: You think she is selling her cooch?
Girl #1: No. I should sell mine, though.
Girl #2: That's like trying to sell the AM New York.
--89th & 2nd
How Not to Hook Up in NYC
Chick: I don't get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, "You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs". Well, you're in NY now, honey, and I'm a bitch!
--5th Ave. & 82nd St.
Player: Excuse me miss, you're even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph?
--Fulton Street mall
Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?...I got food stamps!
--Astoria
Overheard by: mj
Oh -- We Are So Moving to Connecticut!
Little girl after dropping lollipop: Shit!
Mother: Madison!
Little girl: What? It's not like I said 'fuck'!
--Dylan's Candy Bar
Wednesday One-liners for Thanatos
Guy: The only reason she was hanging out with those dudes is because she was hoping that one of them would kill me...But that's neither here nor there.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners Miss St. Elsewhere
Guy on cell: I don't think it's time yet to do the professional intervention thing. I mean if she drops down below 90, then maybe it's time. But I'd like to her get down to 95, then she would be hot. As long as she doesn't lose those 5 in her tits. Shit, she has nice tits.
--Whole Foods, Union Square