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Suddenly, Caligula Seems a Lot Tamer
Teenage half-virgin boy: Did you know the official definition of an orgy is three people sitting in a room with their socks off?
Teenage one-quarter-virgin girl: No way! Then we have orgies all the time!
--SoHo
Overheard by: disgusted old lady.
I Think I Saw This on an Episode of Sliders
Hip girl: What's up with that airline?
Friend: What do you mean?
Hip girl: The flight attendants were all straight men.
--JFK
Overheard by: A random
He Had a Nice Supper First, Though
Blonde: Can you say 'Happy Passover' to someone?
Brunette: Passover is a happy holiday, I think. 'Cause it's about food and stuff.
Blonde: Okay. I wasn't sure. 'Cause, you know, Jesus died, so I dunno how that works. That's not too happy...
--Olympic Diner, 8th Ave
... And Got Maced by That Guy in the Penthouse
Skinny chick: Was there scaffolding on his building?
Fat chick: Yeah, don't you remember? I climbed it in my Catwoman costume on Halloween.
--Greenwich & 6th
Overheard by: tj
I Just Like Getting On My Knees Five Times A Day
Hairdresser #1: So, you're a practicing Muslim?
Hairdresser #2: Yep.
Hairdresser #1: So, do Muslims pray to God, or Mohammed, or both?
Hairdresser #2: I don't really get into the details.
--East 19th St & Ave R, Brooklyn
Overheard by: brooklyn blonde
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "I pray to Allah Updo and Crewcut Christ" - katcob
· "I'm just into the hating Jews part." - DaveO
· "I'm more about the accessories" - Ty
· "Islam is in-er than Thai ladyboys this season." - eyp
· "Neither does the President." - Becca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Jeremy-Said-So Defense Totally Stands Up in Court
Teen #1: Is it legal for someone to fuck someone under 18?
Teen #2: Uh, I think so.
Teen #1: Oh, okay.
--7th & Broadway
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
Madonna, Circa 1983
Clerk: What about this one?
40-something woman looking at skin-tight, black leather mini dress: Hmmm... I like it, but do you have anything with a little less leather for church?
--Orchard St
Overheard by: what kind of church does she go to?
Wednesday One-Liners Have Tunnel Vision
Conductor: The next stop is...155th Street.
--Uptown D train, 170th St
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Conductor, over radio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an unusual occurrence report for being on time?
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Mike
Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this...Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I'll kill yo' ass...This is a downtown 4 train making local stops...
--Downtown 4 train
Conductor, over loudspeaker: Come on! Step on the train. Don't just look at the doors. Walk on!
--N train
Overheard by: Lila
Conducter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!
--NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Overheard by: stupid tourist
Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange!
--NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover
Conductor: We're being held up by a C train in front of us. If you're nervous or scared, we'll be moving to our destination in a moment. No worries!
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: wasn't too worried
You Know What a Girl Mustache Means, Right?
College dude #1: You know what I hate about New York?
College dude #2: What?
College dude #1: Female mustaches.
College dude #2: You don't think there are women with mustaches anywhere else?
College dude #1: No, but there are shitloads more here than anywhere else, and no one seems to care.
College dude #2: Touché.
--59th & 10th
Except for Those Who Have a Hairy Dog and Two Big, Stupid Boyfriends
Queer #1: You know the guy I mean? The one with the hairy boyfriend and those two big stupid dogs?
Queer #2: Honey, that could be anyone we know.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question
CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer... What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren't they the same?
--Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza
Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?
--Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Adriane S
Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?
--Mailroom, PR firm
HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?
--1/9 train, 14th St
Overheard by: LA Law Girl
Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?
--Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park
Overheard by: R&S
NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq
Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?
--6 train, 86th St
And Fluffy Never Gets Enough Credit
Friend: So, what did you do last night, Amy?
Woman: Well, I kicked my husband off the bed so I could sleep with my daughter and Fluffy. Men are so overrated.
--5th & Madison
Overheard by: Tjay
Sausage or Smoked Salmon?
Girl #1: I don't know if my sister is a lesbian or not.
Girl #2: I thought she was.
Girl #1: Yeah, but the other day some guy was like, oh yeah, your sister dated Nick for a long time, and now all I know is that she's dating someone who makes omelettes. Omelettes are manly, right?
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: djingo
I Do Have a Revolutionary Unit, Though
Frat boy #1: Dude, are you Karl Marx?
Frat boy #2: Nah, bro. I'm a porn star.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
But It's Only a Matter of Time before We Put a Cross on the Moon
Middle-aged lady: Wait -- isn't there supposed to be a separation between church and space?
Young lady: No! Well, yes...
--87th & Lex
Overheard by: hbomb
The Guy Code Says We Can't Discuss It, Though
Guy #1: Dude, have you ever done it in blood?
Guy #2: Uh, yeah...
--Columbia University
I Had No Idea You Were That Sort of Person
Teen girl #1: What do you want to do now?
Teen girl #2: Get something to eat.
Teen girl #1: Ew!
--59th & Columbus
So Close I Got Squeezed out and Ended up Here
Worker: So, where are you from?
Asian guy: Ummm, Fresh Meadows, Queens.
Worker: No, really, where are you from? Like, overseas?
Asian guy: Taiwan.
Worker: Oh. How do you say 'Hi'?
Asian guy: Ni hao.
Worker: That's like the same as Chinese right?
Asian guy: Yeah.
Worker: Is it because the countries are really close?
--OMG store, Soho
Overheard by: Larry Liou
Save Your Money and Invest It Wisely
Lady facing sign reading "Security": Excuse me -- where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um...
--New York-Presbyterian Hospital
Overheard by: i hate hospitals
He Celebrates Boxing Day
Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!
NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?
--Water & Fulton
More Like the Reason We Need Them
Dad: Let's go to St. Patrick's!
Kid: ... Is that another bar?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Kelly
Here, Take the Address of This Leather Bar
Queer tourist: What are your favorite places to go?
Local girl: I love the Met.
Queer tourist: What is that?
Local girl: The greatest art museum. It is so amazing.
Queer tourist: So, there's art there?
Local girl: Um, yeah. It's an art museum.
Queer tourist: So, it's all art?
--R train platform, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Why Flight Attendants Hate Ventriloquists
Guy: Do you think you'd be able to take a dead fetus on a plane?
Girl: Maybe on a domestic flight.
--Barnard dorm
Overheard by: babs standigio
It's Always Been Gay
Latino: I took my kids to that gay pride parade they have down here. Rainbow flags everywhere. Man, you guys stole our flag!
Queer: Whose flag? Puerto Rico's?
Latino: What?
Queer: What was the rainbow flag before it was gay?
Latino: I don't know.
--BarMinnow, 9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Guess I stole his flag too
I Was Gonna Say "My Family," but You Make a Good Point
Girl: You wanna know something really, really, really fucked up?
Guy: What? Having sex with people?
--Mercer & Greene
Overheard by: waphle
She's Got a Few Yellows for Unsprtsmanlike Conduct
Father: So, do you have a green card?
Nanny: No, but I'm getting one soon.
Two-year-old boy: Do you have a red one, too?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: heading to the darfur rally
Romance Is Dead, but Wednesday One-Liners Keep on Coming
Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming
Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.
--Whitestone, Queens
Overheard by: Michelle
Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship.
--Borders, 33rd & 7th
Overheard by: with a K
Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you're doing to yourself right now.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Alexandra
Woman, to man she's just kissed: What was your name again?
--2nd St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello...Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes... Thanks, honey, you're the best.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Sara Swank
Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin' dumped him.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: buffalo
Sounds Like They Should Be Stand-ups
Promoter guy: Do you guys like comedy?
Girl #1: We hate laughter.
Girl #2: Sunshine and happiness too.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing
Young boy to another, whispering: I'm gonna knock you off ,and then I'm gonna steal your M&Ms.
--FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: amused tourist
Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I'm going to come here and steal all the stop signs.
--Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Suriya
Angry queer suit as a Honda's car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: C. Gray
Thug: Look, these glasses are f'real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!
--125th & Broadway
Hipster chick on cell: Why don't you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?
--2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it's easier to steal things!
--11th & University
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You've Got a Lot of Questions for a Guy Wearing His Own Vomit
Drunk guy #1: Where's Xavier from?
Drunk guy #2: I don't know.
Drunk guy #1: Where's Ohio state from?
--Tonic East
Overheard by: tom
I Said I Don't Know
Girl #1: What sign are you?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I'm Capricorn as fuck.
--44th & 3rd
Overheard by: ana
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: emilia
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.
--B train
Overheard by: Janelle
Guy in hoodie: I don't know -- rain gear just doesn't really turn me on.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ktg
Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.
--Bus to Staten Island
Chick on cell: ... And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, 'Dude, you're rubbing your erection on me...'
--Fordham University
Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: don't wanna know
They Go in Through the Anus
Girl #1: Wow, you got your nose pierced!
Girl #2: Yeah, I got it yesterday
Girl #1: How did they do it? Gun or needle?
Girl #2: Gun.
Girl #1: Ah ok, how do they fit a gun up there?
--McDonalds
Overheard by: Ness
With My Ear
Chick #1: Where's your tooth?
Chick #2: In my shoe.
--18th & 4th
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
To Pop Out and Frighten Small Children?
Girl #1: Why do people get glass eyes? Can you see out of them?
Girl #2: No, I don't think so.
Girl #1: Then what's the point?
--34th St station
Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-liners: Questions
Fat old lady: Do you happen to know who wrong the song "Who Let the Dogs Out"?
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street
Old woman: What do you want me to talk about? You don't want to hear about my dog. You don't want to hear about my cat. What else is there to talk about?
--N train
Overheard by: Nim G
Blueblood woman: Yesterday I was in here and got 2 tomatoes and left them here. Have they been found?
--Bleecker Street grocery
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
Obsessively Gay (for Tad)
Female MTA employee: I ain't seen you in forever! Did you start working nights again?
Male MTA employee: Yeah... It was alright. But then I got bored, so I started watching soap operas again. I can't believe Tad still looks the same.
Female MTA employee: Shit, you like him?
Male MTA employee: Hell yeah, I'm OG.
--4th Ave & 9th St station
Overheard by: Tacologic
That's Why She Got the Job As a DoD Intelligence Analyst
Girl #1: Why don't you know these things?
Girl #2: Because I don't read.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
And I Said, "Is This a Rhetorical Question?"
Guy on cell: So he said, 'If you imagine yourself as a hot dog, would you eat yourself?'
--Tribeca
Overheard by: brrrrrrrrrrrrrt
Throw on Some Parliament and I'm Up for Anything!
Chick in stall: Would you ever eat cereal out of my mouth?
Friend in next stall: Well, if I had that background music... Yeah, sure.
--Bathroom, Joe's Pub
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Maybe We Should Start Numbering the Ceilings Instead
Chick: Why is level two on the third floor? Why isn't there a 'Floor Two'?
Guy: I dunno, hon.
Chick: Isn't that weird, though?
Guy, as elevator goes up halfway: I think this is the second floor. It's a secret level.
--AirTrain elevator, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
He's Back. And This Time, He's Fabulous!
Woman #1: How old do you think I am?
Woman #2: I don't know...
Woman #1: I'm 46.
Woman #2: 46? Really? You look so young!
Woman #1: That's Jesus.
--Fresco Tortilla, 52nd & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz
Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?
--57th St
Overheard by: jesse
Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, 'Do I know you?' 'No, man.' Then he asks, 'Haven't I arrested you before?' And I say, 'Nigga, please! No!'
--E train near W 4th St
Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I'll do anything!
--8th & 5th
Overheard by: jewish girl
Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They're playing our song.
--Columbia University
Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin'! He's a racist! That cop dog's a racist!
--Subway station, Times Square
Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?
--Times Square
Overheard by: knipc
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers
Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I'm sure we can make a deal.
--60th & Central Park South
Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?
--Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: tj
Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we're trying to merge...
--Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Angela
Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to 'Oye Como Va,' then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's what you get for not having a car.
--L train to Williamsburg
Overheard by: Subway Goer
See -- It Has a Yarmulke on Top
Tourist #1: Oooh, what's that?
Tourists #1 and #2 simultaneously: A synagogue!
--St. Bart's, 50th & Park
Overheard by: former Episcopalian
I'll Have to See If He Still Respects Me
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he seemed like a really nice guy. I met him at Shaina's party, we had an actual intellectual conversation, he may or may not have poisoned me...
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, but what if he did poison you? I mean, what then?
--3rd & 1st
Arthur, I Hate This Game
Aged hippie: Would you rather have a housewife on Prozac or a babysitter on acid? [Friend shrugs.] Well, I'd rather have a babysitter on acid!
--Central Park
Overheard by: MRA
If Only!
Man: What? Little Richard isn't gay, is he?
Lady: No, he isn't gay. Isn't Little Richard's daughter Nicole Richie?
--Video store, 14th & Ave A
Overheard by: Such a pretty me baby!
I'm Really Blind
Jersey tween #1: Who needs six dogs?
Jersey tween #2: Seriously... Who the fuck needs six dogs?
Jersey tween #3: Me?
--NJ Transit leaving Penn Station
The Rabbit Never Dies, That's Why
Guy: So, David was asking me about Second Life. I told him I was a giant pink bunny that has cyber sex with his mother.
Girl: You are sick.
Guy: Then I told him his mom's avatar is a clown with an enlarged anal cavity. He still doesn't see why anyone would pay a monthly fee for it.
--72nd St
She Puts the "Pat" in Patent Law Class
Girl #1: Uh... This is the women's restroom, right?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: This is the women's restroom, right?
Girl #2: Yeah. Why?
Girl #1: There was just a guy in here!
Girl #3: No... that's a woman.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #3: Yeah, she's in my class.
--NYU
Headline by: Brady
Runners-Up:
· "Does She Always Stand While She Pees?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "Hermaphrodites 101" - Sami
· "Janet Reno: The College Years" - International Man of Leisure
· "Just because I'm washing my hands, doesn't mean I can't hear you." - aaron Stephenson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Greek-house effect.
Frat boy #1: It's so f-in' cold in here.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, where's the global warming when you need it?
--Subway restaurant near Wall St
Headline by: Dave Faith
Runners-Up:
· "Dubya's College Years Were Ripe With Wit" - Katie
· "It's Busy Killing Your Grandchildren" - bowloftoast
· "It's Busy Melting the Pounds Off Jared" - David Bowers
· "It's Truly Inconvenient" - Nicolbee
· "Just wait a few years and it'll be wireless" - karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Misses Mommy's Heroin Years
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy!
Mother: What is it?!
Little girl: Why you gotta have an attitude?
--Cortelyou & Marlborough, Brooklyn
Overheard by: BWA
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
What's the Word for a Fear of Latex?
Dude: So, did you ever wear a condom in Haiti?
World traveler guy: No.
Dude: Were you scared?
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Not Going to Haiti
Luke.... I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners
Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.
--50th & 8th
Overheard by: Lord...
Black woman on cell: I don't like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I'm Jamaican. I just found out I'm Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don't hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.
--Queens bound 7 Train
Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.
--R Train
Little girl: When I don't want to listen to my dad I just say 'Talk to the hand!'
--Wooster St & Spring St
Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?
--Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop
Overheard by: Steve Grant
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
Details, Details
20-ish chick #1: Does he even know who I am?
20-ish chick #2: The guy who took pictures of you naked?
--Las Ramblas, W 4th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Just the Bottom Half
Girl: My arms are too short for this pose.
Yoga instructor: You're Hungarian, aren't you?
--New York Sports Club, Harlem
Overheard by: Samantha
Who Rides in a Short Bus under the Sea?
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you're acting like SpongeBob!
--St. Catherine's Elementary, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
Headline by: Rock Bottom
Runners-Up:
· "...or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath." - JC
· "Actual Script from Laguna Beach" - Jeremy
· "Dude, You've Been Watching Too Much SquarePant's Anatomy" - Breanne S.
· "How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?" - Philip
· "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Test Campaign #34" - Paul Sheiman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.
Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.
--4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark
Hipster: Yo, what's up with Filene's Basement? That shit's on the top floor!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Tourist: Is that the Enron building?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Robyn
Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?
--Impressionist Gallery, the Met
Overheard by: j-diddy
Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I'd miss the ocean.
--Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy
Overheard by: Olia
Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star--"You are here"? They don't have that?
--(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St
Overheard by: Jo
White hipster girl: Is black semen black?
--86th & Park
Classified by Race
Yuppie #1: "I never put my race down on those forms. Why should I be
classified by race?"
Yuppie #2: "I feel the same way about putting my height down on my driver's
license."
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
Yeah, It's All Just TV
Nerd #1: Didn't Ford's body get shipped to Washington?
Nerd #2: No.
Nerd #1: Oh. Then I must have seen that on 24 or something.
--Union Square
It Smells That Way 'Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman
Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.--Astoria BlvdOverheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim
Runners-Up:
· "A Little 'Piece' of Heaven" - Mistress Squidia
· "And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven..." - smo
· "Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit." - Paul Nielsen
· "From Rear to Eternity" - ilemanzer
· "Heaven i'taint." - Lee
· "Holy Shit" - lounamaa
· "I Don't Think That's What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: 'I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'" - Jenny
· "Must Be a ZoroASStrian" - John P.
· "Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau" - steph
· "Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You're Led to Believe in Church." - J.C.
· "Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?" - kelynsh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No, That Guy in the Alley over There
Girl #1: Which Russian mystic man has his penis on display?
Girl #2: Stalin?
--Marymount Manhattan College
I Mixed It with Sperm
Ana #1: Yeah, I felt so good because all I ate for a month was lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
Ana #2: Oh, really? But I'm afraid of being on a diet without protein!
Ana #1: Don't worry, the maple syrup is full of protein!
--Lerner Hall, Columbia University
The Secret Comedian Cells Spring Into Action
Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Emilia
Suit #1: I know where we are.
Suit #2: Where?
Suit #1: On the corner!
--9th Street & 1st Avenue
Overheard by: Your Mom
Guy: Excuse me, can I tell you a joke?
Girl: ...What?
Guy: Can I tell you a joke?
Girl: ...No.
Guy: Are you su--
Girl: Didn't you fucking hear me, you idiot?
She gets up and starts walking away.
Girl: Jesus Christ, these fucking...
--Central Park
I'm Regretting Removing the Tape from Your Mouth
Guy: You know -- it's Dow Jones and NASDAQ.
Girl: Who are they? Those guys that died?
--14th & Park Ave South
Wednesday One-Liners Are Serfectly Pober
Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar 'n' some shit!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: EthanK
Dude: Yo, this conversation is way too intellectual. Let's go -- I just wanna get drunk and find some hos...
--56th & 8th
Overheard by: JGT
30-ish dude on cell: Yeah, he was so drunk he tried to pay the tab with his health insurance card. Then he got mad when they wouldn't take it.
--43rd & 9th
Guy on phone: That bar sounds awful. I'll be right there!
--53rd & 3rd
Just Some Sparring, Followed by Spooning
Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?
--Varick St
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
Anybody Wants a Kidney, Be My Guest
Guy to girl: I never hooked up when I was blacked out.
Hobo: You never blacked out from liquor?! I'm about to!
--23rd & 2nd
And/Or Strange Men Who Approach You with Non Sequiturs?
Skinny hipster reading Windorphins ad to two buddies, in droll voice: Not only that, they are somewhere between super and duper.
Chubby dude across from them: So, are you guys into Updike?
--5 train
See?
Ghetto girl #1: Do you think I could be a saint?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
Ghetto girl #1: Shut up.
--Brooklyn Public Library
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
A little boy sees his mom's reflection in the window.
Boy: Mommy, are you a ghost?
--2 Train
Some Shot!
Young Woman: Are you part Italian?
Older Woman: I'm Italian by injection!
--Private party, NYC
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds
Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!
--Peculier Pub
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses
Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?
--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: mangledorf
Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St
Overheard by: Jo
Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.
--LIRR
NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?
--NYU
Overheard by: waphle
I Ask You For Help and You Give me Epistemology
Chick #1: Do you have a safety pin?
Chick #2: What's a safety pin?
Chick #1: Are you serious?
Chick #2: Yeah, I mean, what's the difference between a safety pin and a paper clip? I know they both hold shit together, but, like, what's the difference?
--23rd & 1st
Overheard by: Carly
I Think "Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me" Is Explanation Enough
Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I'd rather not.
--NYU Law School
Overheard by: Vitto
Headline by: Alli
Runners-Up:
· "But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself." - Bassmanbish
· "I Don't Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning." - Redneck Jedi
· "Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?" - chris sowell
· "Objection! Asked and answered." - Law School Dropout
· "See 'Billing By the Hour' to Learn Why That's the Wrong Answer" - PhoenixRising
· "The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school." - Steve-o
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we'll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they'll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it's not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What's 50 minus 50?...I went to Syracuse University, I'm a college educated person, and I'm still confused. Is it free?
--Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Two Honks, a Whistle and a 'Nice Ass' Means He Needs Directions
Man in truck: [Honks horn]
Rollerblading girl: What the hell does he want from me?
Man in truck: [Wolf whistles] Yeah, baby!
Rollerblading girl: ...Oh. Sex.--50th & RiversideOverheard by: Vicksburg
Headline by: Jaya
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How I Met Your Father... and Your Father. Oh, and Your Father Too." - michael Levy
· "He Puts the 'F' in 'Keep on Trucking'" - LadyP
· "I Knew Those Knee Pads Would Come in Handy!" - jackster
· "In Germany It Means 'Let's Play Scrabble Sometime'" - briguy
· "It's Called a Chevy Pick-Up" - jason
· "Next on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Mating Calls of the North American Teamster" - Tom Beckett
· "Pointing at Your Crotch Just Doesn't Say It Anymore" - Bevan
· "The Etymology of 'Horny'" - wavyfrog
· "They Usually Want To Discuss Dialectical Materialism" - International Man of Leisure
· "Well That, and Directions to Maryland" - that1dude
· "What's Wrong With a Little Four by Foreplay?" - Elle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Executing Poop Joke in Three... Two... One...
Man #1: Isn't your cousin a big producer or something?
Man #2: No, he's a dog walker.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jon
Let Me Guess: La Boheme
Hobo #1: You know what, man?
Hobo #2: What's up?
Hobo #1: Yo, I balls out love opera.
--Houston & 1st
Overheard by: Jonah Eller-Isaacs
Science without Science
Yuppie: I was just teaching the scientific method to my students.
Nerd: Oh, so you teach them induction and deduction?
Yuppie: [long pause] The students aren't that smart so I don't teach them big words like those.
-- Party, Manhattan
But the Source of Some Great Cheese
Drunk guy #1: Yo, how funny was that when I told him, 'Dude, just stick your balls in her mouth'? Remember that?
Drunk guy #2: Ewww, man, his balls are disgusting!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mrbojangles
When You're in Her, You're Family
Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.
Guy: You're an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you're a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.
Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn't hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.
Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I've been fucking her for a while now...It's like a habit.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: helen r.
Then Stop Showing Us Your Hymen
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, is it wrong that I want him inside me?
Tween girl #2: Uh, yeah, especially since you're like 13 and a virgin.
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, shut up! I don't want all these New Yorkers to know I'm a virgin!
--50th & 6th
No, We Only Have Pot
Man: Do you sell cannabis?
Florist: Cannabis?
Man: Yeah, it's a plant.
--28th Street
You Can't Fix Everything with Explosives
Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?
Buddy: A bomb? ... We already talked about that.
--Home Depot, 23rd St
Overheard by: Benjamin
I Don't Think Normal Has Much to Do with That, Dude
College kid: So, your mom still threw you in the bathtub when you were 12 years old?
Unfortunate friend: Yeah. But, I was, like, a hundred pounds back then!
College kid: But dude, like, sponge bath?
Unfortunate friend, incredulously: Yeah! Like all the normal bathtub shit!
--Washington Square Park
Where the Eggrolls Are Called Bay of Pigs in a Blanket
Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food?--62nd & Broadway
Headline by: clarence rosario
Runners-Up:
· "You're Confusing 'Boat People' With the 'Cardboard Raft' People" - Jo Jo
· "Close, But No Cigar" - andrew harrison
· "Con-Fusion Cuisine" - Greg Costello
· "Either Way You Feel Oppressed Again an Hour Later." - Syd O
· "May I Take Your New World Order?" - jason daniel
· "Michelin Should Have Never Named it the Red Guide" - Fes
· "Public-School Geography Teachers Do Lunch." - Doctor Whom
· "Sum Dim People Think So" - Constant Irritant
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?
20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?
--Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?
--Port Authority
High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what's that mall over there?!
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter
Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier
Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?
--The Met
Only if the Cat is a Starving Vampire
Crazy woman: Puh-scuse me! Puh-scuse me! Where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: What?
Crazy woman: I said, where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: Um, do you mean cat food?
--Duane Reade, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Jennifer Farmwald
Physician, Heal Thyself
MTA employee: What train is this?
Subway rider: Uh... the W.
MTA employee: Does it go to City Hall?
Subway rider: Yes, it follows the same line as the R.
MTA employee: Oh, okay, good. [Upon reaching City Hall] Wow, that was fast.
--W train at Whitehall Station
Mom's Explanations Never Clarify Anything
Eight-year-old boy: So they were poisoned?
Mom: Yes.
Eight-year-old boy: Like the monkey?
Mom: No, like the boy with the Tic Tacs.
Eight-year-old-boy: Oh.
--55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Like he's Going to Admit he Looks at 'Mature' Porn
Skanky woman: Do I know you? You were giving me a look like you know me.
Teenage boy: No.
Teenage boy to fellow train rider: Do you have a pen?
--R train platform
Overheard by: Doc
I Mean, I Assume He's Sleeping with Her
Woman #1: You know that wasn't a real woman, right?
Woman #2: I don't know, I don't know. I gotta ask my husband. He'll know.
--23rd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Do Their Little Turn on the Catwalk
Woman on cell, wearing fuchsia catsuit and clutching stuffed parrot: I'm on the corner of Broadway and 69th in a ridiculous outfit.
--69th & Broadway
Buff guy: You know what they used to call me in jail? "Harry the Robe," because I wore this beautiful white robe after I took showers.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: gina
Girl on cell: I swear, if I have my underwear on inside out today I am just going to snap.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Amused listener
Preppy guy: Is there a philosopher named Kenneth Cole? Because there is this huge billboard with his quote on it.
--Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington between Norfolk & Essex
Guy in black cape and Batman-type mask: No one ever fucks with me when I go out at night rocking this outfit.
--Franklin & Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lil pirate
Girl: Do they even have Prada in Boston? They just have baked beans and Benjamin Franklin, and he's dead.
--Stanton & Orchard
Girl, walking behind another girl who's wearing a pink tutu, white stockings, and a tiara: Let her walk alone wearing this on her birthday.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Not Wearing a Tutu
Dog and Pony Shows, However, Can Be Incredibly Nuanced
Yuppie #1: Yeah, I've been to a few donkey shows... You know there are different types, right?
Yuppie #2, hesitantly: Um, yeah... I went to one once and pretty much got the point.
--Yankee Stadium
This Is the Line for Movin' Out, Right?
Tourist on double-decker bus: What are you guys standing in line for?
Auditioner down below: Cheese!
--Cattle call for Rent
Overheard by: Kelly Mac
Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method
Columbia grad student: ...developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.
--Columbia University
Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That's interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I've got permission... We're never going to get to anything today, are we? I'm so bad at this...
--Tisch School of the Arts, NYU
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.
--John Jay College
Overheard by: soccerking3t
Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don't think English class will ever be the same.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Natasha
Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don't flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.
--Fordham, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I'm not a doctor yet!
--West Village, 8th & 14th
Overheard by: annie
NYU girl to professor: So, if you're sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn't ask the question, "What are you thinking?"
--NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
Sweetie, This Is America -- Real Isn't Real
Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait -- is pinhead real?
--Brooklyn
Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners
Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.
--3rd St & Ave B
Overheard by: amanda
British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.
--Outside Toys 'R' Us
Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don't let him intimidate you!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: jenmo
Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!
--31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?
--Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th
Man to son: Don't you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!
--Macy's
Wednesday One-Liners Call Themselves "Publicists"
Announcer dude: People, get the Audio Guide! If you don't you'll end up up there thinking, 'I should have listened to that handsome, well-spoken man downstairs.' You'll be beating yourself for not buying the Audio Guide. And I don't need that on my conscience.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: George Carstocea
Daily News hawker: Sign up here for your free subscription to the Daily News! [Muttering] We'll screw you later.
--Outside Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Mrs. Met
Guy selling comedy show tickets: Come on, have a ticket. If you don't I'll stalk you on your MySpace page!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Punkgrrl
Top of the Rock promoter guy: Yeah, it's supposed to be, like, the best view or whatever of, uh, I don't know... [Calls to fellow promoter] Yo, man, you ever been up there?
--Rockefeller Center
Flyer dude: See the naked cowboy on stage! Sucking cock!
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ashley
Guy selling newspapers: New York Post here! Daily News here! [He's ignored.] New York Post here! Daily News! [Still ignored.] George Bush wins the lottery! [Still ignored.]
--33rd & 7th
Comedy club promoter: People, you gotta come tonight, because if you don't my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia!
--Times Square
Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?
Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it's not even four PM!
Friend: She's not drunk, it's just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But... Who would wear high heels and be sober?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza... the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· "British Comedians in Drag?" - Barry P.
· "I'll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex" - Martin de Bruin
· "She's Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway." - eric bostrom
· "The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds" - Cecilia
· "With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure." - Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Don't Be Mad at Him; Be Mad at Newton
A man is stumbling down the street. He trips, falls hard and hits his head on the ground.
Guy: Sir, excuse me, are you okay? You just fell really hard.
Man: ...Fuck you.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: The L0rdz
Careful or Trebek Will Grab Your Potpourri
Two teens are watching Jeopardy! through a store glass window.
Teen boy #1: I can read lips; that guy said he liked to suck cock.
Teen boy #2: You mean, "What is, 'I like to suck cock'?"
--14th & B
Overheard by: meghan
"...and I suspect the squirrels are Jewish."
Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.
--Madison Square Park
The Virtue of Selfishness
Pastry Shop Worker: Is anyone willing to give up their seat for a girl that has to stand on her feet all day?
Train Riders: [SILENCE]
Pastry Shop Worker: Come on, all you guys just go sit in front of your computers every day, how damn hard is that? I have to make shit for people and stand on my feet all day. You people are so selfish!
--6 Train
I Don't Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
At Least, That's My Master's Thesis
Preppy girl #1: What's the difference between men's shaving cream and women's shaving cream?
Preppy girl #2: Um... I think it's a different chemical reaction or something.
--CVS, Willets Pt & Francis Lewis Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Jackie R.
But the Rocky Mountain Oysters Are a Little Better Back Home
Tammy Ealom: When I'm in New York, I eat way too much Chinese food.
Dude: Did you go to Chinatown?
Tammy Ealom: No, just some place up the street. When you come from Denver, pretty much everything is good.
--Dressy Bessy show, Sin-e, Attorney & Stanton
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Coincidentally, 'A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn' Was What He Called His Van
Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I'm not allowed because I'm a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!
--outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Pfeff
She's Actually a Shill for the Cheetah Club
Chick: My husband and I like to go to titty bars in the city. That's why we get on so well -- he likes girls and I like girls.... So, when you hang out with your buddies do you go to titty bars?
Dude: Er, not really -- maybe once we went.
--Radio City Fashion Rocks show
Overheard by: Listening in the line
Malice Goes to Style Court
Guy: Who would you rather have sex with? The girl with the lazy eye or the fat chick?
Girl: Lazy eye.
Guy: Yeah, she's got a good body.
--Style Court Audience
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Depends on If You Make Your Saving Throw
Girl #1: We only fucked for like 2 minutes.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He has ADD.
Girl #2: Is that, like, when the person has more than one personality?
Girl #1: No, I wish. Role playing would be a lot easier.
--Hunter College North-West bridge
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Willard
Little kid: Mama, Mama! Where are all those bunnies we saw last night? Where are those bunnies? We have to find the bunnies again, Mama!
Lady: Aww! Where were the bunnies you saw, Cole?
Mother: Actually Cole, those were rats.
--Fulton Street
Overheard by: Jess Kimball
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low
Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn't be pregnant -- I mean, dude, that was last week.
--St. Marks & 3rd Ave
Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I'm the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who's seven months pregnant and not feel bad?
--D train
Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan
Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.
--Magnolia Bakery
Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like -- pregnant with promise.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl on phone: No, I can't have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I'd have to be like, 'Whose baby is it? Well, let's see -- is it black, white, brown...?'
--Grand Central Station
British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That's why you're mad about buns. [To daughter] And that's why you like brown things.
--Varick & King St
Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I'm like, 'Stop it, woman!'
--Columbia campus
Overheard by: Cheney
Let's See: One, Two, Three...Two...
Girl: Okay, so how many of the people here do you think have noticed that we're high?
Guy: Mmmm, five of them.
Girl: There are only five people in the store.
Guy: Then... All of them.
--Lafayette
Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced
L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? "Do I have stress?" Fuck you.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: ichi gami
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Listen to Nancy Reagan
Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"... Yea!.... Yea my sister's on crack!
--Houston & Essex
Overheard by: saywhat?
Suit: Well, I'm a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know...
--R train
Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I'll be there at six. Ok. I'll bring you E and orange juice.
--Bank of America, 6th Ave
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Bum: Hey... can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I'll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit...
--96th St Subway Station 1,2,3
Overheard by: Franco
Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.
--Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow
Overheard by: wants to meet the ex
Hipster: You OD'd? WHERE?
--14th & 6th
Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin' wooden leg that I didn't even know he sold crack out of!
--80th & 3rd
Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!
--14th St L station
Overheard by: Em
Wednesday One-Liners Work in a Hot Industry
Thug, to his friend: Yo, there are mad bitches in this hood. Why you eyeballin' me?
--73rd & York
Overheard by: I was eyeballin' him too
Dude: I can't believe that sausage fest! There were no females up in that bitch!
--103rd & Lex
Overheard by: robin b
Lady: You know what the difference between her and Lonny is? She's nice, and Lonny's a bitch.
--Tennis courts, Central Park
B&T boyfriend, calling angrily out the window of his car: Bitch, I love you!
--White St, between Lafayette & Canal
Man to old blind lady: Watch where you're going, bitch!
--12th St & 6th Ave
Guy, laughing at friend who dropped his coffee: That's gravity, bitch!
--49th & 8th
Queer on cell: Oh my God, she, like, worships me...Yeah, I know, I'm totally the best thing that ever happend to her...Oh, no, I can't stand her. She's a total skanky bitch, bitch, bitch!
--Peanut Butter & Co, Sullivan St
When Goth Club and the Gay Caucus Meet at the Same Time
Thugette #1: What's it gonna be, girl? The dick or the blood?
Thugette #2: The blood, girl. It's always the blood!
--Queens Library, Jamaica
Overheard by: Whatthefuckaretheytalkingabout?
No, We're Just Going to McDonalds
Old woman inside apartment: You gotta come here and look at this!
Old man: Do I gotta put my pants on to come see it?
--80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jo
Guaranteed That's the Wittiest She'll Ever Be
Girl #1: So, he kept on calling me and calling me and calling me.
Girl #2: Well...what did you do? Did you answer your phone?
Girl #1: Yeah...I answered the phone and said to him, "Thanks for stalking by." He hung up after that and I haven't heard from him again.
--Cafeteria, 7th Avenue
The Decency Was Good While It Lasted
Girl: What is all that screaming ahead?
Guy: Maybe they are doing a reenactment of September 11th.
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: A A F
Tourist woman: Where is the World Trade Center?
New Yorker guy: You missed it.
--Chambers and W. Broadway
Overheard by: tom brigham
Myra Began to See How It Might Be Fun
Girl #1, reading menu: Cheese and onion pasties...
Girl #2: How can that be true?
--The Cake Shop
Overheard by: Ryan
Someone Get Monty Hall a Sweater
Vendor guy: Just buy it! Come on...
Tourist guy: Chill out, we're thinking.
Vendor guy: All right, all right. Half price? All right? Half price, now will ya just buy it?
Tourist guy: Half? How come?
Vendor guy: Because it's fucking 30 degrees, man, it's cold, I wanna
go home! Buy it!
--Whitehall & State
Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
Two women are seated across from each other on the train. One has a long object in a soft-sided container.
First woman: Is that a bassoon?
Second woman: No. It's a sword.
--C Train
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Just be sure you don't give her The Baby
Irish Guy #1: Did you see Peaches last week?
Irish Guy #2: Yeah.
Irish Guy #1: Mank. But I'd still give her the fuck.
Headline by: International Man of Leisure
Runners-Up:
· "'tis the fuck o' the Irish" - brian brinegar
· "And also, presumably, the cream" - lauren
· "May the bitch rise up to meet your cock" - Drewster
· "Mick Wanker Dicks Mank Yank Skank" - Rod W
· "Yeah, I'd hit the pit!" - janine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Hard to See When You're Face Down in a Pillow
Queer: Excuse me, but what is the owner's name again?
Host: I am the owner.
Queer: Really?
Host: Yeah, there are five of us.
Queer: Damn. Well, which one did I fuck?
--THAT Bar, Smith Street
They Should Know Better
Hipster girl: So, like, what do you do in your media classes? Like, what do the professors expect?
Hipster dude: Well, they just want you to care.
--Balcony, Hunter College
Overheard by: the person who doesn't care either
... Or One of My Exes?
Lady yelling at old guy: Where you goin' today, Harold?!
Old man, smiling: You my wife?
--Q station, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
Hell of a Time for You to Develop a Sense of Wonder
Little boy pointing at painting: Mama, why are there so many colors?
Mother: Shit, ain't you color-bind or somethin'?
--MoMA
Meter Maid by Day, Scalper by Night
Guido: Why don't you get a real job?
Meter maid: I got a real job. And I give real tickets.
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Dan Hughes
It's Barney's, Not Pennsylvania
Hipster dude: Do you guys carry any men's shoes?
Salesgirl: Yes, they're on the wall behind you.
Hipster dude: Do you have any straight guy shoes?
--Barney's, Madison Avenue
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife
Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.
--Subway platform, South Ferry
Overheard by: annikee
Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: soixantedeux
Chick after V train passes through the station: There's a runaway V train and people are still on it!
--C/E platform, 23rd St
Girl: Whenever I'm on the subway all I can think about is sex!
--NYU
Overheard by: ana
Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.
--14th St station
Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is
Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?
--W 93rd St
Tourist girl: Waaait... Is this the bus?
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: MegMC
The Al-Qaeda Satellite Adds 100 Meters
Tourist: Um, do you live here?
Teen girl: Uh, yeah.
Tourist: Oh, is that the Empire State Building?
Teen girl: You mean the big, pointy building?
Tourist: [nods]
Teen girl: What the fuck do you think? [walks away] Fucking tourist.
Tourist: Thank you! [to friend] So, wait, is it the Empire State Building?
--near Union Square
'Weird Jedis' Is Like 'Gay Queers' or 'Bored Security Officers'
Out-of-breath Star Wars fan: Hey, do you know where the 3 pm light saber fight will take place?
Bored security officer: I dunno, but it should be over there. That's where all the weird Jedis are hanging out.
--Big Apple Comic Book Convention, Penn Plaza Pavilion
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
It Would Probably Start to Grate
Girl #1: My husband had such a hair across his ass last night. He was getting on my last nerve.
Girl #2: "Hair across his ass"? What do you mean?
Girl #1: You've never heard that phrase before? "Hair across his ass"?
Girl #2: No, I haven't. I don't get it.
Girl #1: Well Jen, tell me, would you be happy if you had a hair going across your ass?
--Gray's Papaya, 8th Avenue
Why Children Should Be Neither Seen nor Overheard
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the shoe say to the foot? How's it footin'?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the bus say to the street? How's it streetin'?
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the airplane say to the building?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy #1: Hello, I'm gonna crash into you now.
--M60 bus
Overheard by: marisa
Respect a Man When You're in His Quasi-home
Hobo: Help me! I have 9 starving kids at home!
Suit: Yesterday you had 12 starving kids, what happened?
Hobo: That's right and the 2 of them died in a horrible fire yesterday! Please help me!
Suit: What happened to the 12th?
Hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, you're fucking up my rap!
--57th Street station
Order Up
Taco Bell Lady: 1 Beef Burrito.
Customer: As in 296? Is that order 296?
Taco Bell Lady: Yeah.
Customer: Are you sure? I don't want to take someone else's.
Taco Bell Lady: Uh huh.
Customer [under his breath]: Do you know where you are?
--Taco Bell, West Village
Kids, Can You Find Five Things Wrong with This Corpse?
Girl #1: How much dead dick do we have to look at today?
Girl #2: This has to be fake. There's no way any man this small was packing that much heat down there.
--Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Catherine
So Christina Aguilera is Rich and Poor?
Guy #1: You dated her? Didn't she used to have herpes?
Guy #2: "Used to"? Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.
Guy #3: Herpes is the poor man's AIDS.
--Brother Jimmy's, 2nd Avenue
It Depends on If You Lick Your Fingers
Guy #1: So does giving a guy a handjob make you gay?
Guy #2: If your wrist starts to hurt and you're still jerking him off, then you're gay.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jack Roberts
Don't Tell Me How to Do My Job
Girl: And to think I wasn't sure what was going on with him! Then last night I was like why would someone care so much about my underwear if they didn't want to get into it?
Guy: That's a great question.
Girl: Isn't it?
Guy: That should be on OverheardInNewYork.
--Perry Street
Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire
Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what's the word again?
--Men's Wearhouse, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: erak
Tourist woman on cell: That's not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It's like a tough guy or a street guy.
--56th & 5th
Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.
--12th & 1st
Guy: Korean words don't end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"... and "Hyundai".
--Chelsea Market
Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you're in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it's better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."
--Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!
--17th & 6th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: hjane
Dude: I think she's pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.
--Rumours, 55th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Girl on cell: ...Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: kelsey
Guy on cell: She got pissed on... So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months... How much damage do you think he can do?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Al E Ro
Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It's my bank! I'm gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It's like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.
--Washington Mutual
Blaming Everything on PMS Is #2
Thugette #1: Man, where the fuck am I gonna get a prom dress and after-party outfit? You know, I should just sell crack! Ain't nobody gonna stop me!
Thugette #2: Yeah, that's the best part about being a girl.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: DaraDay
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "By the way, are you free to babysit that night?" - bobofthejungle
· "Miracle of birth ain't got nothin' on pushin'" - Erin
· "Sugar and Crack and Everything Whack" - The Trayster
· "The Third Wave of Feminism Wants Its Money, Bitch" - clevecinema
· "Well, Other Than the Multiple Orgasms..." - Teppy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'll Go Get the Jack Daniels
Little girl: What I don't get is why Majestic stabbed Fifty. He already shot him like 9 times.
Little boy: Majestic didn't stab Fifty! He got his boy to stab Fifty for him, and he did it because Fifty was still alive.
Little girl: I couldn't survive 9 shots. I could barely survive a half.
--1 train
I'm Guessing Chicago
Girl: I can't believe you just made me jaywalk!
Guy: Where the hell are you from?
--4th & Broadway
She's Always Hiding the Head Inside Her
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: David Kopach
Return to the Port Authority
Guy on Cell: Have you ever tried to masturbate while Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" is playing in the background? Well, it's more difficult than you think...
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Michael Roche
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Dogs Don't Usually Burn Holes in Things
Queer #1, stopping at store window: I don't know. Should I? Well, actually, can I go in?
Queer #2: Sure you can. They let dogs in. Why can't you go in with a cigarette?
--The Village
Those Trains Just Keep Going and Going
Woman rushing out of train: Does this train stop at the next stop?
Guy: No.
--downtown C train, 59th St
Show Us Your Teats!
Guy: Um, are you disappointed that I don't have tits?
Girl: I mean, a little.
Guy: Why? You looking to suckle?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
New Yorkers: As Seen on TV
Woman #1: Excuse me, does the N train stop at Central Park?
Woman #2: Lady, go ask a fucking crystal ball, or learn how to read a damn subway map.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Craig D
A truck driver is parked on the side of the road, honking at what appears to be nothing at all. A female pedestrian shoots him a dirty look.
Truck driver: Nobody's honking at you, you dumb bitch!
--Bay Ridge
Tourist: Which way is the Empire State Building?
Newspaper vendor: What do I look like, a fuckin' road map?
--outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Dork
A trendy guy walked out into oncoming traffic, forcing an SUV to slam on the brakes. The driver screamed out of his open window: The hell you think you are, my hood ornament?
--40th & 7th
The Dry Wit Gets Wet
American Businessman: What are you doing in Mexico?
British Businessman: Drinking. Continuously.
--Office, Midtown
Like my sister.
Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know -- Jews are pretty inbred. I'm probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running -- big and athletic.
--Central Park Reservoir
Headline by: Brooklyn Twang
Runners-Up:
· "But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything." - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine" - Uberjim
· "The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics" - quazarfreez
· "The Final Solution 2.0" - Scott Gresham
· "They're Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That..." - Caitorade
· "You Know, Someone Who Could Win a "Master Race"" - Mike T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Buddha Sure Thinks It's Funny
Suit #1: So what do they speak in India? Hindu?
Suit #2: Hindu's not a language. It's Hindi.
Suit #1: Right, right. So those people, they're Buddhist?
Suit #2: Are you kidding me?
--51st & Park
I'm Thankful I'm a New Yorker
Lady #1: Can you please choose a direction and stick to it? You almost made me tumble down the stairs!
Lady #2: What? I know you are not talking to me!
Lady #1: Yes, I am talking to you, you keep changing your direction left, right, back, and forth! You walk right in front of me as I am walking down the stairs and almost tripped me down the stairs!
Lady #2: Well, if you were not right up my ass, you would not have had a problem!
Lady #1: How can I avoid being up your ass? Have you seen how much room your ass takes up?--
Man: Ha!
Lady #1: --It's like a wide load truck swerving across the highway with no warning to fellow drivers! It's huge!
Lady #2: Nasty ass bitch!
Lady #1: I am sure you would know.
--103rd Street 1 station
Counter guy: Who is next on line for a sandwich?...Anybody?...Does anybody want a sandwich?...Okay, who wants a salad?...Anybody waiting on line for a salad?....Anybody want anything?...You, what would you like?
JAP: Excuse me, I was next!
--EEE's, East 34th Street
Overheard by: SK
Queer: No, thanks.
Flyers woman: You're a faggot.
Queer: Fuck you, you fucking piece of trash skank bitch. Why don't you wipe off your clown makeup, get some acutane, and find a real job? Fucking bitch.
--110th & Broadway
Girl #1: Where's Broadway?
Girl #2: Well, Broadway runs like the entire city from North to South.
Girl #1: But where's the part that has the famous stuff, like Cats?
Girl #2: Oh, I have no idea.
--Fulton & Nassau
Overheard by: Velzzy
It Took Us a Minute to Get It Too
Man: Could you tell me where the self-help section is?
--Barnes and Noble, Union Square
I Think Andy E-mailed Them a JPG
Two guys pass a poster for a Basquiat exhibit.
Guy #1: Is he dead?
Guy #2: Yes. He had AIDS.
Guy #1: How do they know what he looked like?
--Houston & Thompson
You Should Hear What They Say About You Guys
Suit #1: How do you say S-H-I-I-T-E?
Suit #2: Shee-ite.
Suit #1: God, I've been saying S-H-I-T all this time.
--F train
The Father of the Year 2005 Nominees
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
--43rd & 5th
Because That's Where Babies Come From
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you have camel toe!
Drunk girl #2: Why are you looking at my pussy?
--2nd Avenue between 7th & St Marks
Wednesday One-liners Aren't the Answer
Girl on cell: Hey, that's not fair! If you get to be Mr. Incredible, why am I Jewgirl?
--Washington Square Park
Guy on cell: Does anyone in Romania have ice cream?
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Greg Ashley
Woman: Why is it every time a guy beats his dick over the phone it sounds like a helicopter taking off?
--20th & 6th
Overheard by: phyllis pisacano
Girl: what do you call this style of architecture? Ugly road-houses?
--Mott Haven
Overheard by: yev
Guy: Isn't England a state of the US, like Colorado?
--Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: dewo
Guy flipping through cell: Damn, why the fuck have I only got White people on here?
--27th & 7th pizzeria
Overheard by: dbrock
Fashion girl: How do you start a zoo? Do you buy the animals first or the place to put them?
--Conde Nast Building, Times Square
Overheard by: Jax
Crazy guy: Are your French Fries made with beef?
--McDonald's, 85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Marc Cassata
Guy: Is it technically depression if you're depressed because you can't date a Gap model?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
The PC Keeps Going on Siesta
Clerk: What's in the box you're shipping?
Customer: A computer.
Clerk: Where's it going?
Customer: Spain.
Clerk: Is that domestic?
Customer: No, that'd be fairly international.
--Kinko's, Duane Street
Overheard by: Joshua Cody
Girl: Bitch, for the last time, Spain is not part of Latin America!
--Columbia University dorm
I Believe Our Children Are The Future
Schoolgirl #1: The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, right?
Schoolgirl #2: No, no, no! It rises in the east! Girl, you need to learn your temperatures!
--N train
I Have Hose Anxiety
Dude: No way!
Friend: Why? You never peed at a firehouse?
--W 19th & 7th
He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park
Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!
--Electra Building
And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale
20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Gretchen
Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany
Runners-Up:
· "And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch" - Jordan
· "Jerry Springer will never run out of material..." - alex
· "Pinocchio's Tragic End" - Tristan Davis
· "The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable." - internev
· "Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing" - Jenny C
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tovarish, I Suggest You Go Do Just That
Russian guy on cell: Who wouldn't want to fuck me? I'm tall, handsome, talkative, and intelligent. Hell I want to fuck myself.
--68th & 1st
Overheard by: laura holden
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
--Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
--3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn't cover is the sperm!
--20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
--1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
--5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
--Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban