Archive for the ‘9 to 5-ers’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself! –50th b/w 8th & 9th Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit." –W 4th Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit? –Apple Store, 5th Ave Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go! –Penn Station Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit! –53rd & 7th Ave

Celebrity Wit

Wednesday One-Liners?

Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this? –Scholastic Store, Soho Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin? –Leon M. Goldstein High School Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train? –Penn Station Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station… Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags? –Canal Street Station Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here? –Duane Reade Overheard by: fellow customer Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that? –Upper East Side Overheard by: sarahjane

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Grow on Trees

Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y’all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer! –Uptown A Train Overheard by: Heather Smoking girl: I’m just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I’m just *not*. –Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University Overheard by: Ladle Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah. –Union Square Park Overheard by: Farley Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit… I hate you… But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young. –Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th Overheard by: Ross Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn’t used tokens in over seven years! And that ain’t even a token… It’s a one collar coin! –Subway, Spring & Lafayette Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me 50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away) –Metro-North Train Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass! –168 & Broadway

Did You Feel As Dirty As I Did When He Said “Tastebud Sensation”?

Old british man, to liquor store employees: Have any of you ever tried this beer?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Nah.
Old british man: Oh, it’s a splendid Belgian stout, very sweet. It’s my absolute favorite variety of Belgian beer. You should try it sometime. It is absolutely divine, a tastebud sensation the likes of which I can guarantee you’ve never known. Well, have a great night, chaps. [Pays for his beer and walks out.]
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Yo, dog, you hear that guy’s accent? You think his accent was real?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: Nah.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: I don’t think so, either.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: It couldn’t have been real. You hear that guy? He ain’t from no foreign country. He spoke perfect English. –Liquor Store, Manhattan Overheard by: daile

Unwanted Foreigners

Cashier: Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day.
Customer: Thanks. Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi around here?
Cashier: Well, you are in Midtown Manhattan, so it’s pretty easy.
Customer: Thanks.
Cashier: Where are you from?
Customer: Staten Island.
Cashier, under breath: Figures… –J. Crew, Rockefeller Center Overheard by: Al