Archive for the ‘9 to 5-ers’ Category

Do I Hear the Pitter Patter Of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners?

Sassy lady on cell: I tell you, he got the wrong bitch pregnant!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Stunned!

Girl: Ugh, pregnancy would be like, so much worse than gonorrhea.

–John Jay Dining Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: jane

AT&T employee: Yeah, when I had my daughter I actually didn't have to stay overnight in the hospital. See, usually, after you have the baby, you have to pass the placenta. The doctor actually reached up inside me and just pulled it out, just like that. He told me I was fine to go home after that, so I did.

–AT&T Store, Union Square

20-something on cell: But I refused to go down on him…I told him I'm not ready to have a baby. (pause) Of course you can get pregnant by swallowing! Hello? Did you not take sex-ed in high school?

–61st St & Lexington Ave

Woman on cell: It's such a small opening, and it gets torn apart when you have a kid!

–42nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Weekender

20-something on cell: But I'm tired of always being pregnant.

–East Village

Overheard by: also tired

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Dude, Nobody Listens to The Wednesday One-Liners Anymore

Young woman on cell: So I said to him, are you going to listen to Barbra Streisand forever?

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: Korky

20-something girl: I'm a teenager! I collect pogs and say "suck it," and listen to Kriss Kross!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Claire H.

Guy: Man, these guys are like The Beatles of my generation.

–In Line for Cypress Hill Show, Nokia Theatre

Burly MTA contractor: I mean imagine if it was a dude singing "I kissed a guy and I liked it."

–Chambers St Subway Station

Overheard by: sarah

Trendy girl: I can't believe they charge $1.29 for a song now. What song is worth $1.29?!? Well, I guess "Don't Stop Believing" and "We Are the Champions"… basically any Queen song.

–Coldstone Creamery, Astor Place

Overheard by: Any Britney Song

20-something girl to 20-something boyfriend: Don't dress up like Elton John because I want you to. Dress up like Elton John because you want to.

–Halloween Shop, 11th St & Broadway

Best Week Ever!!!

Lady to mobile salesman: I know you went to the back to speak to the manager, don't lie to me.
Salesman: Actually, I went to the back to take a shit.
Lady: I hope you don't shit for a week.

–Brighton Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: nikki

Headline by: Jonny-G

Runners-Up:
· “First Rule Of Sales: The Customer Is Your Friend, Not Your Enema” – Vasyl

· “Great! How Am I Supposed to Overshare with Customers Now?” – beans
· “He’s Glad He Didn’t Tell the Truth That He Had Sex Back There” – Deborah
· “I’ll Save It Up, Just for You” – Keith
· “The Ancient New York Curse” – Natalie
· “The Gypsies Were Getting Lazy with Their Curses” – my other comment is witty


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: It's at the point now it doesn't matter too much if my wife gets mad, it's the nanny I can't upset. (other men laugh and agree)

–Uptown A Train

Female employee: I do not want to go to anger management for a third time.

–115th & 5th

Overheard by: Tara

Girl to guy: You seem like the kind of person that would be mad if they got shot.

–Wildwood, Park Ave & 18th St

Overheard by: Sean

Mom to three-year-old son: You mad? You mad? Well, you know what "mad" is spelled backwards, right? "D-a-m." Ain't nothin' you can do about that.

–St. Nicholas Ave & 127th St

Overheard by: stella ho

Thug: She's just mad 'cause she's Mexican.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Wendla B.

Hostess running out of restaurant: Angry couple who just left the bar! You forgot your credit card!

–The Village

Overheard by: DW