Archive for the ‘Accidents’ Category

Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom. –Barnes & Noble Overheard by: V Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents! –Pathmark, Massapequa Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead? Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults. –Columbia University Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not. –Columbia University Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun." –Grand Central Overheard by: galgal

Along With the Dementia I Already Have

Proprietor: I heard you had a fall.
Octogenarian: Oh, yes. I had a fall. They even took me to the hospital for six hours. They tested me for everything except syphilis.
Proprietor: That's what they're supposed to test you for first.
Octogenarian: I wish I had syphilis. At least then I'd be having some fun. –73rd & Columbus Ave Overheard by: G

I Know We Work on the First Floor, But It Would Be So Embarassing for Her

Lady suit: I mean, if she got hit by a bus or something and he was grieving and I brought over a casserole, he would totally fall in love with me.
Suit #1: It would have to be a damn good casserole.
Lady suit: I make a damn good casserole–have you never had my casserole?
Suit #2: Maybe we should invite her over to the office and have a party on the balcony, and then we can all bump into her at the same time and push her off. –Lincoln Plaza Cinemas Overheard by: indie movie girl

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep. –Elevator, 56th & 8th Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama! –Terminal 5 Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses? –Cafe Esperanto Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator! –TriBeCa Overheard by: lalala Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox. –51st & 3rd Overheard by: IG Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers. –4 Train Overheard by: BQM lady Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats! –Astor Place

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter. –Herald Square Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win? –E Houston & Ave D Overheard by: haha Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk! –Herald Square Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time. –7th & 23rd Overheard by: Stormy Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car! –Fordham & Hoffman Overheard by: sromeo Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus! –Lower Manhattan Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die. –Fordham University 20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite. –N Train Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me. –Astoria 20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft? –F Train

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!" –Stuyvesant High School Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell. –Stuyvesant High School Overheard by: Goober Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong. –Bard High School Early College Math teacher: Give me your little men! –Spence School English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you. –Brooklyn Tech Overheard by: Julie