Archive for the ‘Actors’ Category

Wasn’t This an In Living Color Skit?

Black Santa takes off his beard, puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts to adjust his crotch.

Little girl in stroller: Daddy, why is Santa smoking?
Daddy: Well, obviously it’s a fake Santa…
Other passersby, scolding: Santa!
Black Santa: What? Santa’s gotta friggin’ fix himself sometimes, don’t he?

–Rockefeller Christmas tree

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

–Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!

–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

–The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

But Who Cares about the Golden Globes?

Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker’s speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I’m almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional ’cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah… Maybe that, too.

–40th & 5th

Overheard by: Wubba

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Regular Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: …Then they gave him enemas until it ran clear. Now he hasn’t had a movement in three days. Should I be worried?

–Subway

Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the upstairs bathroom.

–44th & 3rd

Ambiguously gay actor: Flowers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: a girl who poops

Freshman chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.

–Restroom, Hunter College

Cherubic blonde chick to another: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Suit-in-training: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I forgot.

–NYU Stern Building

Guy waiting for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We gotta go out here!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: KeeZ