Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

A Wednesday for Breakfast, a One-Liner for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Dancer girl: I dunno, I mean, like, I wish they made a size like, triple zero, so I would have something to look forward to, y’know?

–Central Park

Man: Yeah, that’s how you gain weight: a backed-up colon. I cleaned mine out this weekend.

–B54 Bus

Overheard by: Alma Molato

Old woman, very loudly, in the middle of the movie: Boy, is she skinny!

–Movie theater, 86th Street b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Girl on cell: If bitch can’t afford to buy her own groceries, she can just get skinny!

–Green Village Used Clothing, Bushwick

Anorexic fashionista: Any self-respecting anorexic knows that!

–Lincoln Center, 62nd & 9th

Man on cell: You went to a party last night? Well, that means you have to do three hours tomorrow. And I want you to drink lots of water, but none of that crystal light crap. That is seven calories that you do not need.

–Blockbuster, Broadway

The Ugly Business of Wednesday One-Liners

Agitated papi: I love him like a brother, but he a fuckin’ inconsiderate, ungrateful, selfish bastard! And he got a ugly baby!

–14th & University

Overheard by: Manhattman


Young Kid
: New York is ugly!


–JFK

Overheard by: Latoya Siratana


Wise teen girl
: That’s not giving up on him. That’s letting him fuck uglier girls.


–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: walking the bridge


Giggling little girl in stroller
: I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly…!


–Downtown R train


Older woman to complete stranger
: You should really stop eating that crap because it’s going to make you uglier than you already are!


–Fairway, W 73rd St

Overheard by: just trying to buy my groceries…


B&T guy
: As I was saying, just ’cause you’re ugly, don’t mean you’re smart.


–Lower East Side


Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hipster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some advice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bedford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Auston McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!

–LIRR

Overheard by: mish

Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Overheard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.

–Restroom, JFK

Overheard by: colette

Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t understand religion!

–Empire State Building, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Wendy Booz

These Wednesday One-Liners Have Wings

Queer, as someone is trying to push through the crowd: Throw menstrual blood at him! That’s the one thing girls can do to get back at guys! Throw menstrual blood at him!

–Roseland Ballroom

Dad to pre-teen daughter about mom: She is on the rag today. Don’t talk to her this moringing, she’s got an attitude.

–R Train

Girl: I have sexed my period away too!

–Bowery

Businesswoman: So yeah, it still really hurts. I guess it’s cause I got my period last night… [Sees a disgusted look on a male suit’s face.] Blood! Blood! Raaar!

–Wall Street

Overheard by: Withnail

It’s Not Like We Hung a Pussies Welcome Sign

Guy on cell: You don’t want to move here…No! I’m telling you, this place sucks. You make $1000 bucks a week, $600 after taxes. Then you can’t go to all of the fun bars and places like that because you can’t freakin’ afford it. All you end up doing is watching all of the freakin’ wealthy people go out and have a good time. Dude, I’m telling you, it’s not what it’s hyped to be. I was totally tricked. –Houston & Lafayette

Just Use Your New York Instincts and You’ll Do Fine

Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Class: [Laughter.]
Japanese teacher: I’m not kidding, you don’t want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them… they’re a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.

–Japanese Class, Columbia University

Overheard by: Vicksburg