Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.

–4 Express Train

Overheard by: Lexington

Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Donz

Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!

–7 Train

Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?

Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.

–Fordham Rd, Bronx

Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.

Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!

–F Train

Wednesdays Rogaine Their One-Liners

Loud girl to friend: Tell them you want fuckable hair! Fuckable hair!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Girl to friend: You mean her boob-look hair puff?

–52nd St & 6th Ave

Ghetto woman to another: Why he be mooning everyone with that hairy ass?

–53rd & Lexington

Overheard by: tommy a

Man to friend: I'm Mexican, man; I was *born* with a mustache.

–Grand & Orchard

Girl, enunciatively: I support chest hair!

–Hell's Kitchen

Overheard by: DI

“Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Wednesday One-Liners!”

NYU student to another: Spinach is like sex: if you were forced to have it as a child, you wouldn't enjoy it as an adult.

–University Place & 12th St

Hobo, pointing to deli sign: They want you to toss your own salad for $8.95.

–23rd and 3rd

Overheard by: Nicole Shipman

Suit shouting into cell: Eggplant! Eggplant! Jesus Christ, what is so fucking hard about eggplant?!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Subway preacher: I like vegetables! You gotta eat them so you can live. I like to put vegetables in my mouth. I like the way they taste!

–N Train

Guy to another: Take the pickle, because by god if someone else does and you don't get it, well, you'll be pickle-less and that's not ideal.

–125th St

Overheard by: Brian K.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: Yeah, today's his wedding. I thought about driving seven hours through the snowstorm to go, but then I realized that it's his third wedding, he has two kids, and he's marrying some woman who's pregnant and married to someone else, so I decided to fuck that shit and stay in the city.

–6th Ave & Bleecker St

Overheard by: office peon

30-something guy on cell: Your dad told you, your brother told you, I told you… Not to get married.

–Upper West Side

Woman: We may or may not still be married. I mean, I signed the papers but I don't know if they were ever filed.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Woman screaming at embarrassed guy: We have to figure this out! You can't be married to two women at once!

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: Jack