Guy on cell: You don’t want to move here…No! I’m telling you, this place sucks. You make $1000 bucks a week, $600 after taxes. Then you can’t go to all of the fun bars and places like that because you can’t freakin’ afford it. All you end up doing is watching all of the freakin’ wealthy people go out and have a good time. Dude, I’m telling you, it’s not what it’s hyped to be. I was totally tricked. –Houston & Lafayette
Elderly woman #1: Don't step in the shit.
Elderly woman #2: I never step in shit, I'm too smart for that.
Elderly woman #1: You're not too smart for that.
–11th St & 1st Ave
An Asian woman is talking loudly on her cell phone Fat Black lady: You need to move to the back of the damn bus. We don’t wanna hear that ching-chang ching-chong bullshit! –Q34 bus Overheard by: Lauren
Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Japanese teacher: I’m not kidding, you don’t want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them… they’re a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.
–Japanese Class, Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Conductor, speaking in a robot voice: Watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch… Sorry, my finger fell off the button. Watch the gap.
Train conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound A experience to Lefferts boulevard. Have an optimistic day!
Overheard by: soothed passenger
Conductor, in droll voice: For the fifteenth million time, there is train traffic ahead.
Conductor: This is 207th street, the last and final stop. Please collect all your personal belongings and leave the train. Goodnight and happy wabbit season.
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Conductor: Thank you for riding on the C line, the best subway line in the whole, wide world.
Overheard by: traPt
Conductor: If you want to get off at South Ferry, please go to the first five cars of the train. All passengers getting off at South Ferry, please move along the platform to the first five cars of the train. Yes, the front of the train is the direction the train was moving.
Conductor: We apologize for the delay, but this happens on the weekends. For info on service changes log onto www.mta.info. If you don’t have a computer, watch NY1, if you don’t have a TV, listen to 1010 Wins, if you don’t have a radio, call 718-330-1234, if you don’t have a phone, go home and wait for a miracle.
Overheard by: subway rider
Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?
–27th & 6th
Overheard by: Seamus Diddy
Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.
–86th & 1st
Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!
–Forever 21, Union Square
Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."
–Toys R Us Times Square
Overheard by: Non Father
Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!
–Whole Foods, Bowery
Overheard by: office peon
Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain't gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga.
Overheard by: Steven
Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline!
–Virgil's, W 44th St
Overheard by: Check, please!
Thugette: I'm just going to say, "Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself."
Overheard by: i mean disrespect
20-something guy to friend: Man, you don't understand. I really respect this broad…
–35th St & Lexington
Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.
Overheard by: I Love You Alex
Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him… Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!
–W 12th St
Overheard by: Paige
Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.
Overheard by: Meaghan
High school goomba on cell: He’s just mad because I’ve got my own style. Y’know, I decided what I wanted to be like — y’know, how I wanted to look — and went with it. Just wait until summer — he won’t be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you’re a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!
–S48 bus, Staten Island
Overheard by: It’s not part of the uniform?
Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!
–E 12th & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Mistres Silver
Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, ‘Hold on. You’re Muslim and I’m Texan — I don’t think this is gonna work.’
Overheard by: B
Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can’t wait!
–32nd & Broadway
Girl: The problem is her butt isn’t on his neck while she’s spinning around his head.
Boy: Well, she needs to arch her back more. Problem solved. Did you do the crossword? –Juilliard cafeteria
Brunette bimbo: Oh my god, this line is so long I don't know if I can hold it.
Blonde bimbo: Just think dry thoughts. Think chicken.
–Line for Ladies' Room, Movie theater, Union Square