Archive for the ‘Ahhh! Real New Yorkers’ Category

Come to New York! It’s Safe, Really!

Black woman: You don’t go in there, girl, that’s the men’s bathroom! If you go in there, they’re going to rape you! And don’t think that they wouldn’t, because they will! They’re going to put you down on the floor and rape you and your daughter! You listen to me, girl! –Penn Station Overheard by: James Levinsohn Husband: Yeah, keep walking! You know you can’t come back this way. They kill you here! They don’t just kill you, they kill everyone here! –Central Park

Isn’t That Nice?

Tourist lady: Everyone has been so nice in New York; not what I expected.
Woman: We are nice, just self-absorbed.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Renaissance Chick

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I’m just like that too. But really it’s because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It’s the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Girl: Fuck nice! I am a born and bred New Yorker, I don’t care for nice. I dont’ want to be nice, I want to be right! Fuck nice!

–O’Neil’s Irish Bar ladies’ room, 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: Banana

I Thought It Would Be Harder to Teach Y’all Manners

Southern tourist: Is this Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, this is Roosevelt Avenue, in Queens.
Southern tourist: What? So it is Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, I said it is not Roosevelt Island. This is the Roosevelt Avenue stop. You are in Queens.
Southern tourist: I don’t understand, am I on Roosevelt Island?
Suit: Ma’am, you are in Queens right now, specifically, Roosevelt Avenue. Roosevelt Avenue is not the same as Roosevelt Island. If you want to be at Roosevelt Island, you have to take the train going in the other direction about three stops. Either way, get off the damn train and quit delaying the rest of us.
Southern tourist: Why won’t anybody answer my question?
NY woman: You know what? This is Roosevelt Island, we’re all wrong. Get off.
Southern tourist: Was that so hard?

–Roosevelt Avenue stop, F train

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old

Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can’t miss ‘em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight…Go up the stairs…when you get to the top…make a left.
Old woman: So I’m making a right, then going up the stairs…
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn’t he rude!
Cop lady: Ma’am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I’ll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma’am. The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing. –Penn Station Overheard by: mshorty

Ever Wish You Could Vote Tourists Off the Island?

French tourist, after discussing America's faults in the world, to American man: Can you take a picture of us with the Statue of Liberty in the background?
American man: Ain't she a beautiful bitch?
French tourist: Why do you say “bitch”?
American man: Well, she's French. Welcome to America.

–Staten Island Ferry