Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

OMG! It’s Wednesday One-liners!

Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front. –St. Patrick’s Cathedral Overheard by: Bryant Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I’m an atheist, so it doesn’t really matter to me. –E. 33rd Street office Woman on cell: He can’t hear you when you hate me…You hate me? Then he can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! Jehovah can’t hear you when you hate me! –42nd between 10th & 11th Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they’ll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn. –CVS, Harlem Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don’t want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit… Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?…On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior…There are 632,000 lords…I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to. –4 train Overheard by: Matt F.

Bed, Bath, and Wednesday One-Liner

Hipstress to another: At least now if you find a baby on your doorstep, you'll have a dresser drawer to put it in. –Pete's Candy Store, Brooklyn Overheard by: Mat Freimuth Gamer on headset, freaking out: Oh my god, why would you move the couch!? Why the hell did you move it, idiot!? When you move a couch, bad things happen! Move the couch… You stupid… Oh my god. Wanna know why we all died after moving the couch? Because we moved the damn couch! –Glendale Middle-aged woman backing away from pink, cushioned chair for sale: Only $199? I wonder what it would be like to fuck on that chair! –Hamilton Heights Angry wife: No, it's fine, at least I finally know how you truly feel about throw pillows. –65th St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious. –Henry St & Clinton St Overheard by: Jeannie Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks. –Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead! –Wall St EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl. –Fordham & Southern Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock? –Mercer & W 3rd Overheard by: TheBrit Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis! –Party, 168th & Broadway Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Pretend They’ve Read Kerouac

Hipster chick: It costs like $280 to go blonde, which seems expensive but it’s totally worth it because then you’re blonde. –Hop Scotch Overheard by: bildita Hipster: My brother entitled all of his college essays "Heeeey Essaaaaay!" –Smith Street & President Overheard by: Michelle C. (drunk or ill hipster guy lying on stairs moans pitifully and vomits)
Hipster’s friend, looking away and pretending not to know him: Ha! Fag! –7th Ave Young hipster: Let’s face it, at some point I’m gonna be homeless. –Union Square Overheard by: Conti Hipster girl: Pickles are so in right now. –Renegade Arts Festival, Williamsburg

Wednesday How Many Liners?

Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany? –Barracuda Overheard by: barkeeper Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial? –Eugene Lang College Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday? –N Train Overheard by: D-Law Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people? –ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave Overheard by: jennyooooo Student: Is Swedish even a language? –Columbia University Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both? –M86 Crosstown Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap. –NYU Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades. –Central Park, W 72nd Overheard by: Rachel Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch! –N train Overheard by: Shawnito Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks. –4/5 platform, Union Square Overheard by: Orson Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria. –Mott & Canal St Overheard by: Marie Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass! –Brooklyn Tech High School Overheard by: Liz Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped. –107th & Manhattan Overheard by: Emily B.

Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general. –NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: jason NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high. –Prince & Mercer NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day. –27th & Park Overheard by: It was a good day NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them! –NYU NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together. –Bowery & Canal NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do? –721 Broadway Overheard by: Tyler Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers. –NYU Silver Center

Hey, Bra, Check Out These Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Frat boy: That is the last time I am *ever* jacking off to gay porn. –Gristedes, 42nd St Overheard by: …while sober or drunk? Frat boy to another frat boy staring intently at a young woman dressed as a Hogwarts student: I am really drunk! –14th St & University Place Midwest frat dude: The ugliest girls in New York City are like the hottest girls I've ever seen! –St.Marks & 3rd Ave Overheard by: slohmie Frat boy: Dude, I'm not hating -I love gay guys. All I'm saying is -they buy a lot of Kosher wine. –23rd St & 7th Ave Overheard by: Dina Frat boy: We've had sex everywhere… In cars, in public places…I've seen her vagina more times than I've seen my mother's! –Wagner College

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney

Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?" –Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now. –Metro-North Overheard by: fingerling Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid. –Hard Rock Cafe Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner. –McCarren Park, Williamsburg Overheard by: kalbijim Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning? –Williamsburg

Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom. –Barnes & Noble Overheard by: V Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents! –Pathmark, Massapequa Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead? Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults. –Columbia University Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not. –Columbia University Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun." –Grand Central Overheard by: galgal