Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesdays Pray Their One-Liners Don't Go Condo

Middle-aged woman to others: Just because she's got her own apartment, she thinks she has it all together. –Near NYU Overheard by: Eric 20-something guy to another, about his apartment: All I want to do in my apartment is die. –Fort Greene, Brooklyn Overheard by: Dodd Loomis Woman on cell, walking briskly: There was blood all over the apartment… –E 9th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave Cashier to male shopper: Dude, your apartment is rent-stabilized and you have food stamps? You are so rich! –Whole Foods, Houston & Bowery 20-something trendy Jonas Brother-looking dude on cell: No, I sleep on the couch that's in the kitchen. (short pause) I'll tell you about my apartment later. –9th Ave b/w 14th & 15th Overheard by: Dash

The Rocky Horror Wednesday One-Liner Show

Old lady to grad student son: Hmmm, I never thought of it before, but pre-op transsexuals are like ABDs! –98th & Broadway Overheard by: Kobayashi Hipster: This is New York! You’d think I could have a sex change and everyone would be okay with it! –3rd & Lex Overheard by: West Coast Courtney Guy: So, let me get this straight — she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that wasn’t a fine-ass chick, because she looked like a dude? –Court St & Atlantic Ave 20-ish chick: I can’t believe how selfish she is. I mean, why wouldn’t she share her tranny? –Brooklyn Burger Bar Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks… We all fuck… But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?! –Little Italy Overheard by: Frank C. Man: You’re right — I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies. –Chambers St & W Broadway Overheard by: sonny Female student: Who would have expected that they would play the ‘Your dead brother is actually a woman’ card? –Columbia University Overheard by: Matthew

These Are My Wednesday One-Liners, in Whom I Am Well-Pleased

Seated proselytizer: Jesus walked through walls without using the door, and when Jesus touches you, he is inside you and you become like Jesus. So, if you do something to me, I don’t need the police. I can just come to your house, because I can get in without keys. –1 train Overheard by: thaler Mexican preacher: Statistics show one in one person will die. –Times Square Overheard by: soccerking3t Religious nut: You have to accept God! His holy grace! His saving grace! He’s got all kinds of grace! –Grand Central Bible-thumper: There’s no way if you wrap citric acid, cola, and carbonation in aluminum foil and stick in in the fridge for a million years it’s ever going to evolve into a Coke! –Tompkins Square Park Preacher: The best thing you can have on your resume when you die is not that you went to Harvard, not that you have a Ph.D., but that you have eternal life. –Staten Island Ferry Overheard by: God requires a resume?

Wednesday One-liners Might Have Food Issues

Guy: Nah, I’m trying to get that six pack for summer. I’m not going for the dashboard stomach or anything. Besides, the dashboard on my car isn’t looking too good, ya know? –Godiva, Nassau Street Overheard by: J Woman: She’s not trying anorexia, is she? She’s not in that adolescent phase yet, right? –85th & 5th Overheard by: Kaitlen Girl: Well, she should tell her doctor…and her waitress. –Fordham Overheard by: Trix Hobo: Hey, I’m really hungry. Really hungry, man. I ain’t eaten in the past coupla days. That’s why I’m losing weight. Except I’m so muscular, so I look healthy, but I’m hungry. And it’s hot outside, so I’m losing more weight. And I am muscular. –F train Queer: You know, whenever they show models in movies being obsessive about what they eat and their weight or something, it’s always presented like it’s this vain and self-indulgent thing, but, I mean, they’re models. It’s their job. It’s like for your job. You needed a Master’s Degree, right? Well, they need an eating disorder. –2 train Girl: I think he thought I was calling him fat. I wasn’t, though! I was calling him pregnant. –D train

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out. –Rachel’s Restaurant Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better! –Shea Stadium Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed. –Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom! –L platform, Lorimer. Overheard by: einladle Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah. –9th & 3rd Overheard by: Ryan H

Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice

Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters? –Penn Station Overheard by: Erin and Willa Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!" –Rivington & Essex Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes. –2 Train Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore! –5th Ave & 86th Overheard by: GerMan in NY Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey! –New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay. –1st & St. Mark's

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom! –Broadway & Prince Overheard by: amused Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’ –Rare, Bleecker St Overheard by: Keezles Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts. –Coral Towers Overheard by: No Pun Intended Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger. –Urban Outfitters, Union Square Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch! –Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself

Lady to foreign friend: These 13 circles have the names of the original colonies from when Columbus landed in America. –Conservatory Garden, 105th & 5th Teenage girl to friend: But Trotsky was totally doing Lenin, you can't deny it. –1 Train Friend in elevator showing old photos from Rome: There's the Colosseum. You know. Where the lions and the Catholics had their thing. –7th & 31st Overheard by: Greg Teenage boy to another: Y'know what I'd like to see? Teddy Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson in a cage fight. –6th Ave & 54th St Overheard by: Dale