Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

If You're One-Eighth Wednesday, White People Call You “One-Liner”

White guy to black girlfriend: God, I'm so racist.

–Canal St & Elizabeth St

Big black lady: So, have they fired that African guy yet? (laughs hysterically) Nah, you right. Mexicans won't do that shit no more!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: NewHaircut

White woman to black woman: So, tell me about your people. Do you know where they come from?

–Whitehall St & South St

Overheard by: Jon A.

White girl walking in Harlem: Dang, even the squirrels are black here!

–125th & Amsterdam

Tween: Mom, what's Negro Day?

–Neil Simon Theatre

Little blond girl to black mother: You mean we're black?

–Hudson & Barrow

Overheard by: Emily

“This One Time, at Wednesday One-Liner Camp…”

Angry man on cell: He was a porn star, not a pianist.

–Outside Fairway, 72nd St

Goth chick on cell: We're inside. Yeah, she's playing "Creep" on a ukulele. No, I'm serious!

–Spiegelworld

Art student: I did some acid and they made me play with a guitar, but it felt like plastic and it sounded like cheese!

–Pratt Institute

Tall drummer girl: This is why I love you guys. When the drumline goes on break, they're like, "let's play some more!" When you guys go on break, you're like, "let's explore each others' bodies!"

–Pathmark

Overheard by: Another band geek

30-something African American woman: Mmm-hmm. He playin' her ass like a violin!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: KTizzle

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Do Wednesday One-Liners Amuse You? Do They Exist to Make You Laugh?

Professor: Fat people are often funny.

–Baruch College

Girl to friend: When she OD'ed on him, it was so funny!

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Caitlin

Ditzy-looking middle aged woman on cell: The funniest thing today with the kids! They slammed me to the door and one of them bit my arm and I drew blood! (pauses) Yeah, I know, I'm going back tomorrow!

–F Train

Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.

–8th St & Broadway

Brooklyn artist: After four or five organic vodka tonics, all the ironic hairstyles in the bar start to actually be funny.

–Williamsburg

An Exhibition of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman standing in front of a painting by Jackson Pollock: … And he just took the paint and schmootchka’d it all around, and people went, ‘Oooh!’

–The Met

Hippie girl about public art: So… Do, like… all countries have statues?

–New School

Overheard by: old school

Art student: I could never date someone who doesn’t understand expressionism. I would rather die.

–12th & Ave B

Bimbette looking at gigantic marble head: Do you think the men were really this big, or the artist just made it look like that?

–The Met

Overheard by: Jingles

Guy, about his art: I could use a tarp. I like the thingness of the tarp, but I don’t want to overdo it.

–G train

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Woman on cell, joyfully: You’re my new craft project!

–102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Cisi

Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches

20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Bimbette on cell: … So I got downstairs and realized I wasn’t wearing pants!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: yeah happens all the time

Old lady to teen boy: … And so you wear girl pants?!

–10th & 5th

Overheard by: Steph

20-ish chick to dad: I don’t have Alzheimer’s — I just wear the pants.

–Schubert Alley

Overheard by: Kerry

Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, ‘Could I have two dollars for a metro card?’ And that’s how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that’s how she bought a new pair of pants, but I’m pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants… But it was for bud.

–Manhattan-bound R train

Overheard by: Maggie

Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too — into your pants! Okay, that was childish.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Catch-of-the-Day Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on bench to friend: What did you do? You can't just eat a fish!

–Central Park North

Chick on cell: Were we attacking each other with goldfish last night?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman to friend: And on top of that, I hear she smokes like a fish!

–Columbus & 67th

Overheard by: abcnews

Girl on cell: I don't have snakeskin shoes, but I have these fish shoes I really love. Yeah, they're made out of fish scales. They're awesome.

–Penn Station

Middle-aged African American woman: I went to eat in the Bronx and she gave me naked fish.

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: the guy behind the guy

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

Wednesday One-Liners with Two Percent Body Fat

Hipster girl to another: Yeah, everyone has a crush on him, but he’s got halitosis. And a concave chest!

–MoMA

Hipster chick to friend: Whoa. I just felt totally suffocated by capitalist society.

–NYU

Hipster in rainbow moonboots: So I say to this girl as I’m roofie-ing her juice box…

–Union Square

Overheard by: eliza

Hipster chick on cell: Hello? Hey! Guess what? I found my underwear!

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Aria Grillo

Hipster: I mean, you can’t just rock a sombrero and think that it’s cool.

–6th & 10th

Overheard by: El

Hipster chick to tourist friends: … And across the street is where Albert Greenberg lived for a while.

–E 2nd St, across street from Allen Ginsberg’s former walkup

Overheard by: midtown_strangler

Hipster chick: I wanna create a website: Nine-Eleven — get over it.

–4 train

Overheard by: Hurtz donit