Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their License

Police car megaphone: Attention: The driver of the minivan is terrible.

–Ludlow & Stanton

Girl on phone: Now, drive safe and don’t drop the soap!

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washington Square South

Young boy: Man, I’m as tired as a used car salesman.

–JFK

Overheard by: DFlan

Man on cell: So, are you saying you crashed the car into the camel or the camel into the car?

–27th & 7th

Tall guy: … And he would not get out of my trunk! And we was on our way to the game! I was like, ‘Son, close that door. Respect the Hyundai!’

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Micaela

Chick: … And I said to him, ‘After this presentation I want to go to the hospital, because I got hit by a car.’ And he said, ‘Oh, yeah? You look kind of skanky. You should go now.’

–Court & Schermerhorn St

JAP on phone: A woman lives in my dashboard! In my car! A woman lives in my dashboard!

–NYU

Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna's Bar

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Take the SocioPATH Train

Suit on cell: It's not that I don't like people, I just think that they're expendable.

–Union Square Cafe

20-something to visiting family: We are about to go up a bunch of stairs. If you complain, you will be pushed back down them.

–Mulberry & Canal

Laughing suit to others: So, yeah, I just stepped over the body.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Mother to small crying child: Honey, I did listen to you, but I can't make myself care.

–V Train

Overheard by: Hunter

Use a Wednesday, So You Don't Get One-Linered Up

Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?

–Times Square

Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: "If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant."? Seriously!

–Broadway & 103rd St

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.

–Outside Trader Joe's, 14th St

Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy–the baby snow monkey–came along. So be careful with your birth control.

–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys

Girl to another: I just don't see why we can't make our own condoms.

–14th St & 4th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

This Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners

Lesbian hipster to girlfriend, smiling: I love that you get on my nerves now!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Dan

Hoochie on cell: Look, I love you — you’re my best friend — but if I don’t hang up this phone, I’m going to tell you what I really think, and you’ll be pissed.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: EthanK

WASP yuppie on cell: We were really proud of ourselves… And then we stayed in a loving place all day.

–N train platform, Astoria

Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.

–34th & 30th

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?” –Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway Overheard by: Nick Draven Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn. –Gristedes, West Village Overheard by: KoryD Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy. –5th & President, Park Slope Overheard by: b Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it. –6th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder

Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.

–Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Maryrose

Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!

–Queens

Overheard by: alex

Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Caroline

Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick!

–Starbucks

Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.

–Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!

Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?

–West End & West 100th St

Wednesday One-Liners Use “Summer” As a Verb

Older woman to friend: Down there where the servants are, you know, where the gardening people and the kitchen is, I don't go there. I just don't go there.

–38th & 5th

Overheard by: garden in manhattan?

Greek Princess shopping for wedding rings: This isn't the more expensive ring I wanted but we just bought an apartment in the 70s.

–Tiffany's Second Floor

Overprivileged teenage girl on cell: The bourgeoisie… The bourgeoisie are like, the common people.

–Union Square

College girl: No, I mean seriously: who, by the age of 25, has not been to Rome or Florence?

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Dan

Six-year-old: Mommy, how do you spell "Forbes"?

–Restaurant, Upper East Side

Overheard by: jess