Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don't think she knows. (pause) But it's just a night job! (pause) No, there's no way I'm pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I'm a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Wednesday One-Liners Do the Vatican Rag

Suit on cell: No, I’m not coming in today…I’m on the Upper East Side. There’s all this traffic from the Pope’s "Don’t sodomize the kids" world tour.

–83rd & Lex

Guy at bar: Most Popes hate Jews.

–6th and D

Gamer kid: Yeah, I was in DC this weekend with the Pope… Yeah, I saw that muthafucka.

–218th & Park Terrace West

Overheard by: Kelley

Old lady, about young girl: Oh, she looks nice. She’s wearing Pope shoes.

–Carmine St

Overheard by: arctinus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon

Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.

–Union Square

Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?

–Museum of Natural History

Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!

–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd

Overheard by: Rod-Rod

Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]

–30th & 6th

Overheard by: avenueF

Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.

–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd

Overheard by: Will

Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves

Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That’s the last train in the world!

–W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Gazoo

Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we’re headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we’ll transfer to the express.

–A train express, between 34th & 42nd

Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.

–4 train at Fulton St

Chick to guy: Don’t tell me that bull! Don’t pull that on the A train!

–Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chudoc324

Wednesday Puts on Its One-Liners One Leg at a Time

Ghetto dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that money? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done.

–Broadway & 86th St

Girl to another: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tightest pants. Camel toe all the time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Giancarlo

Annoying sober 20-something, returning from bathroom: God! I'm so sweaty, it made it really hard to pull my pants down.

–Diner, 3rd Ave

Teenage girl to another: He came here to do a concert. He probably doesn't want to hear you scream, "Take your pants off!"

–Battery Park

If Wednesday One-Liners Could Turn Back Time…

Girl on cell: It's 111 Columbus. No, Columbus as in the guy who discovered the world.

–Houston & Broadway

Guy to group: Napoleon is the funniest guy ever!

–Fordham University, Bronx

Overheard by: Krisztina

Hipster: Europe is cool, you know, because the towns are like soil samples when you look at them. You can pull the historical soil sample and see the layers of crustaceans and stuff.

–Party, Park Slope

20-something girl to friends: Mix tapes are like a little piece of history.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jo King

Male professor: Remember for your papers, John Brown was hanged, not hung. He might have been hung too but that is a different topic.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Go Rams!

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Oral

Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: JC

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

–C Train

Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.

–125th St

Overheard by: Reilly

Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.

–5th & 83rd

Overheard by: Kelly

Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)

–The Village

Wednesday One-Liners for Hezbollah

Officer to old lady: Hey, don't leave you bag on the floor, there are terrorist everywhere.

–45th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: StriderNo9

Suit on cell: So you're gonna vote for a Muslim and a terrorist?

–MoMA

Hipster to friend: Yeah, terrorists totally love Bush.

–46th and 9th

Overheard by: choosing not to capitalize the B

Tourist: Are you guys terrorists?

–Rally for Gaza, 42nd & 7th

Overheard by: ooga booga

Loud black queer teen: But his best joke was like "What do you call people who hate ketchup?" (no response) "Al-Qaeda!" (bursts out laughing) Get it? It's funny because they don't have ketchup in Iraq!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ketchup lover

What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Julium

Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.

–Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!

–Union Square

Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: molly

Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.

–Hill Country BBQ

Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.

How Many Lines Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Woman stopping passersby: Do you know the Chinese restaurant on either 8th or 9th? (points at buildings on 14th Street)

–14th St & b/w 7th & 8th Ave

Girl to another: What is jizz?

–NYU Freshman Dorm

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Man in all seriousness to restaurant server holding two plates of food: Do you guys serve food here?

–Las Ramblas Tapas Restaurant

Woman on cell: Do you think they have batteries in the Dominican Republic, or should I buy some?

–Gateway Center, Brooklyn

Overheard by: DominicanEnergizer

Tourist woman: Excuse me, do I go Uptown or Downtown?

–Delancey St

Overheard by: TR

Bewildered girl in Persian class: Does Iran have lightning?

–NYU