Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Need Extra Support

Woman on cell: He already started calling me ‘boobie’ so we did it last night.

–33rd St station

Queer: I’m so sick of her and her breasts!

–W 4th St subway

Overheard by: Jessie

Teen boy, walking into woman and child: Oh, sorry, my fault… [To his girlfriend:] See what yo’ titties got me into!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Drunk bimbette: I’m so glad I have tits. I don’t know what I would do if I were a man. I call it the power of the oyster.

–Croton-Harmon line to Manhattan

Overheard by: Evan

Drunk woman: I got ketchup on my boob and I didn’t even eat anything!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Ryan

Drunk fratboy: Show your boobies if you love the Mets! Nudity for the Mets! Nudity for the Mets!

–Manhattan bound 7 train

Overheard by: lets go mets

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

–1 train, Lincoln Center Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

–BX 12 bus Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.

–W. Broadway & Spring Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?

–4th St & 6th Ave Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too? –Q train, Canal St Overheard by: mike C.

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Gettin’ Any

Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?

–New York Aquarium, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tracy Fish


Early 20′s chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van
: I wouldn’t even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!


–1st & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alison


Woman to friend
: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn’t give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!


–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Aaron A


Meathead on cell
: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.


–Canal & Broadway


Professor
: I don’t understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?


–Classroom, FIT


Guy
: So what you sayin’? I can’t have sex with you anymore?


–10th & University

Overheard by: Priska Neely


A Gluttonous Gaggle of Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster: I found a bag of potatoes the other night, and we were throwing them at razor wire.

–Filene’s Basement

Chick: Everybody needs a pickle. He’s like my pickle.

–31st & 36th, Astoria

Overheard by: Jill

Old baker guy to young baker guy: See — the ones that are burned on the bottom — you know they’re done, so you take them out. If they’re not burned, they aren’t done yet, so you move them to the front of the oven.

–Fairway, 74th & Broadway

Old woman to friend: So then I told her, ‘Fuck you and your lamb curry!’

–3rd & MacDougal

Lady to hubby: Is this sushi not cooked?

–JetBlue terminal, JFK

Lady: He was really upset about tonight. He was all ‘Yogurt! Yogurt night is ruined!’ Shook his fists and everything.

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: KCast

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don't think she knows. (pause) But it's just a night job! (pause) No, there's no way I'm pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I'm a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Wednesday One-Liners Do the Vatican Rag

Suit on cell: No, I’m not coming in today…I’m on the Upper East Side. There’s all this traffic from the Pope’s "Don’t sodomize the kids" world tour.

–83rd & Lex

Guy at bar: Most Popes hate Jews.

–6th and D

Gamer kid: Yeah, I was in DC this weekend with the Pope… Yeah, I saw that muthafucka.

–218th & Park Terrace West

Overheard by: Kelley

Old lady, about young girl: Oh, she looks nice. She’s wearing Pope shoes.

–Carmine St

Overheard by: arctinus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon

Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.

–Union Square

Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?

–Museum of Natural History

Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!

–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd

Overheard by: Rod-Rod

Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]

–30th & 6th

Overheard by: avenueF

Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.

–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd

Overheard by: Will

Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves

Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That’s the last train in the world!

–W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Gazoo

Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we’re headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we’ll transfer to the express.

–A train express, between 34th & 42nd

Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.

–4 train at Fulton St

Chick to guy: Don’t tell me that bull! Don’t pull that on the A train!

–Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chudoc324

Wednesday Puts on Its One-Liners One Leg at a Time

Ghetto dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that money? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done.

–Broadway & 86th St

Girl to another: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tightest pants. Camel toe all the time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Giancarlo

Annoying sober 20-something, returning from bathroom: God! I'm so sweaty, it made it really hard to pull my pants down.

–Diner, 3rd Ave

Teenage girl to another: He came here to do a concert. He probably doesn't want to hear you scream, "Take your pants off!"

–Battery Park

If Wednesday One-Liners Could Turn Back Time…

Girl on cell: It's 111 Columbus. No, Columbus as in the guy who discovered the world.

–Houston & Broadway

Guy to group: Napoleon is the funniest guy ever!

–Fordham University, Bronx

Overheard by: Krisztina

Hipster: Europe is cool, you know, because the towns are like soil samples when you look at them. You can pull the historical soil sample and see the layers of crustaceans and stuff.

–Party, Park Slope

20-something girl to friends: Mix tapes are like a little piece of history.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jo King

Male professor: Remember for your papers, John Brown was hanged, not hung. He might have been hung too but that is a different topic.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Go Rams!