Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Two-Drink Minimum

Flyer guy: Smile, you're on Broadway! (singing) You're never fully dressed…when you're naked! (stops singing) So come to New York's best improvisational comedy club! Be there, or be someplace else!

–Times Square

Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy

Annoying man outside comedy club, to passerby: Do you like stand-up comedy? (passerby ignores him keeps walking) Do you like free alcohol? (passerby keeps walking) Do you like ignoring me? (passerby turns head and nods)

–Broadway

Overheard by: Wojo

Comedy show ticket salesman to couple: So, what are you two doing tonight…besides each other?

–Broadway & 49th St

Overheard by: Theo

Ticket guy to walking couple: Do you like comedy or do you just do each other? Maybe that's all you need.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: PartyByNight

Street vendor: Want to see a comedy show for $10? Free drinks! Cheaper than crack cocaine!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: gradstudent

Comedy club flyer guy: Blah, blah, blah, take my flyer!

–Times Square

Overheard by: No flyer, but props for the delivery

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Ask to Be Born

Mom to son in stroller: Shut up! You want everything! Life isn’t like that!

–Staten Island ferry

Lady, pushing a stroller: My parents always used to say they were going to run away because we were so awful.

–Washington Square

Man: Yo, I got to tell my son to start selling weed now!

–56th St, between 5th Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Caroline

Mom: Honey, if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t keep buying you things.

–Bleecker St & Broadway

Mom hits kid in stroller.

Little kid: Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

–Pizza place, 14th St

Century 21 employee: And there was this Asian lady with her kid on a leash… A leash!

–Century 21

Overheard by: C21shopper

Bimbette, pointing to toddler in stroller: That’s how I met this motherfucker’s father!

–98th St & Broadway

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liner

Slightly thugged-out guy, rapping to little white poodle: Li'l coco! You's a muthafuckin' beast, yo! Li'l coco! Yeah!

–Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: John Bender

Guy to dog: Lady, it's just me! There's only me!

–77th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Big burly guy to tiny yorkie, as it sniffs tree and walks away: Well, thanks for that false alarm.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Upper West Side lady to little pampered dog with sweater: It's okay, baby, you can talk.

–80th Ave & Columbus

Hipster dog walker, whispering to herd of dachsunds: Mushhhhh…

–Central Park

Kentucy Fried Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to girl: All I know about your baby is that as long as it's in your stomach, it's not gonna be underfed. I wouldn't be surprised if it came out with a chicken wing in its mouth.

–MacDougal & 3rd St

Overheard by: Jaco

Older hipster man, in front of organic section: So these eggs are tortured chicks, and these are non-tortured chicks… Hmmm…

–Fairmay Market, Red Hook

Overheard by: RStein

Black guy: Yo, black guy! Where is the nearest place I can get fried chicken? I want some fried chicken and grape soda!

–Union Square

Random guy on escalator: Fuck anime, I can't wait for that juicy buffalo chicken sandwich.

–Kinokuniya Bookstore

Overheard by: Chris Coll

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?” –Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway Overheard by: Nick Draven Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn. –Gristedes, West Village Overheard by: KoryD Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy. –5th & President, Park Slope Overheard by: b Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it. –6th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-Liner Swap

Lady on cell: She must have been humiliated by the parade of wives!

–Broadway & 72nd

Man to friend: Whenever I want to fuck my wife, she doesn't want to. But when I can't, she always wants to. I think she does it out of spite.

–12th St

(Elton John's Rocketman playing on radio) "I miss the Earth so much… I miss my wife…"
Barista
: You don't miss your wife, Elton. You're gay!


–Small Coffee Shop, SoHo

Midget handing out fliers: Who likes comedy? (to man in striped shirt) Hey, do you like comedy? I like striped shirts, let's work something out here!
(man keeps walking)
Midget, yelling after him
: No wonder your wife doesn't love you!


–Union Square Subway

30-something guy: Dude, that's so rude. Plus, she's going to be your wife soon, so you've got to stop calling her that.

–Hell's Kitchen

Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: V

Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents!

–Pathmark, Massapequa

Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead?

Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults.

–Columbia University

Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not.

–Columbia University

Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun."

–Grand Central

Overheard by: galgal

Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola. –79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam Guy: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I’m going to buy a new TV. –Penn Station Woman on cell: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer. –34th & Madison Overheard by: Lisa Boy, 8: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you. –Astoria Overheard by: Adam Kraemer Guy on pay phone: I haven’t decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I’ll let you know. –Hotel Edison, West 47th Street Guy: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy. –St. Mark’s Place between 2nd & 3rd

Please Stand Behind the White Line While the Wednesday One-Liner Is in Motion

Bus driver, just before departing for Boston: Peace, love, and if no one's said it to you today, I love you.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Nina

Bus driver: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? If so, you're too close to the front. Move to the back of the bus, back of the bus…I'll be here til 2 in the morning, I have plenty of time.

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

MTA bus driver to woman with a kid: Excuse me, you have to pay for your kid to ride this train. See the line where your hand is? If he is shorter than that line, then he doesn't have to pay. But he is taller, and he has to pay. (woman and kid walk off bus, now he addresses passengers) But on a lighter note, happy New Year.

–M86 Train

Overheard by: Melissa

Bus driver of crowded bus: This is Madison avenue. Get off! I mean…watch your step.

–Bus, 86th St

Overheard by: Michael

Bus driver: This is the last stop, Queens Center. If you are going shopping today, I hope you find everything you are looking for. Also, please be nice to the salespeople. It's not easy dealing with people day after day. I should know, I'm a bus driver.

–Q88 Bus

Overheard by: Jenn

Wednesday One-Liners, Red in Tooth and Claw

Fashionista to two others: Yeah, but like, what are we going to do with a dead horse?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Brooke

Woman: I lived in a mud hut with rabid bats — I think I cashed in my JAP card.

–Bushwick

Chick to guy: They get to pick out the puppies and kitties that they like the best, and they get to take them for the night. And, if they get killed, they just have to replace them. Isn’t that great?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl to boyfriend: With the amount you spend on little turtles, I think you could buy yourself a suit.

–Columbia University

Sailor to another: What do you know about anything ‘cept cuttin’ up squid and takin’ it to bed with you?!

–Hudson & Perry

Saucy chick: The worst I ever got fucked was by a horse named ‘Hunt.’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: Karin