Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Thug: Why da hell should we tip her? We didn’t get nuthin fo’ free!

–Bubba Gumps

Overheard by: Gregorio

Man, reading newspaper: It’s the best kind of abuse! Free abuse!

–D train, 47th St

Overheard by: can i have some free abuse?

Girl: People are eating corn like it’s free out here!

–Union Square Farmer’s Market

Overheard by: Thompson

AM New York hawker on rainy day: Free paper! C’mon, free paper! Put it over your head!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ben

Newspaper guy: Get your free Daily News. Find out why Whitney’s back on crack. Free Daily News!

–59th St subway

Overheard by: MRP

Man: It was a gigantic free cupcake. I think that if I didn’t take it, then thirty years from now, I’d feel stupid.

–Office, Broadway & 55th St

Overheard by: Paul

Guy: I need a deserted island. A free one!

–6th Ave & Waverly Place

Overheard by: Jim G

George Orwell’s Wednesday-One-Liner Farm

Girl to friend: So I got my horse, things got a little escalated… He got his horse…

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: ninja z

Small child on bike: Suck my butt monkey!

–Central Park

Metrosexual on cell: I can only hope the animal noises are promising for my night.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

African man to African woman: I told you when you came to this country that you can’t touch old people, you can’t touch children, and you can’t touch animals.

–Central Park, near W 63rd St entrance

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Woman to another: He would go one way and the armadillo would go the other way…

–42nd St, outside Bryant Park

Overheard by: MPW

Sad girl to friend: I’d feel better if I just had lemurs to talk to.

–Washington Square Park

What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll

Wednesday One-Liners Prevent Scurvy

16-year-old girl to girlfriend, with contempt: Are you eating a banana? You’re just like my mother!

–AIDS walk, Central Park

Man to female coworker: No, my head really looks more like a grapefruit than a peanut.

–1250 Broadway

From the flight deck before takeoff: I’m only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry — yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn’t keeping you alive.

–JetBlue flight, JFK

Overheard by: B.G.

Teen boy to friend: Did you know that in California it’s illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room?

–34th & 6th

Hipster girl: I have an apple and some Prozac.

–19th & 6th

Hot chick: My boyfriend actually just said to me, ‘I think you should learn how to shoot grapes out of your pussy!’ Then he made space-gun noises.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

Wednesday One-Liners Are Feeling Prickly

Girl: I shaved everything off down there, and I’ve never felt so accessible!

–A train

Blonde on cell: What’s aftershave? Is that the thing you put on after you shave?

–The Body Shop, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jack Rittymanee

Woman on cell: Yeah, all you do is wear cheap panties and don’t shave.

–Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Greasy man: Fuck, I have to go shave my balls now!

–23rd & 5th

NYU student to girlfriend: You know, it’s kind of like when you shave your butt.

–F train, between York St & E Broadway

Overheard by: j. asner

Ghetto lady to guy: I never shave my legs unless I’m tryin’ to make a statement or somethin’. I mean, that’s some serious shit.

–Broadway & LaSalle

Overheard by: nekko-chan

Punk rocker with crazy pink hair: And, I mean, she was good-looking and all, but I was like, ‘What the hell do you think I want a bunch of pictures of girls shaving their pussies for?! I don’t want that shit!’

–JMZ train, Myrtle stop

Overheard by: Don’t forward them to me!

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That

(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman
: Well, that about sums it up.


–Broadway & 19th

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!

–Hudson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Confused

Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola

Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay…

–8th Ave & 20th St

Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Philouza

Open-Mouth Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.

–5 express train

Overheard by: Ben Arwin

Guy to girl: I’m not going to kiss you, ’cause remember — last time we kissed was before you went to jail.

–O’Connor’s, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Joe

Drunk guy: I didn’t kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There’s a difference!

–49th & 1st

Guido: I’m not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight… I just won’t kiss her.

–Outside McFatty’s

Overheard by: Liz

Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I’m going to kiss a boy and get married later.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Daveyy

New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington