Archive for the ‘Anger Management’ Category

Now I Wanna Pimp Slap You.

Girl #1: Oh my god! What happened to your face?!
Girl #2, with black eye: I got pimp-slapped.
Girl #1: What does that mean?
Girl #2: You know, like when a ho gets out of line, her pimp backhands her. You know, like “bitch, where's my money?!” (pauses) Smack!
Girl #1: What? You were slapped by a pimp?
Girl #2, annoyed: No! Ugghh, Derek* hit me!
Girl #1: I don't get it, I thought he was a lawyer.
Girl #2: You are such a fucking idiot… You're buying me lunch.

–Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

“Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Wednesday One-Liners!”

NYU student to another: Spinach is like sex: if you were forced to have it as a child, you wouldn't enjoy it as an adult.

–University Place & 12th St

Hobo, pointing to deli sign: They want you to toss your own salad for $8.95.

–23rd and 3rd

Overheard by: Nicole Shipman

Suit shouting into cell: Eggplant! Eggplant! Jesus Christ, what is so fucking hard about eggplant?!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Subway preacher: I like vegetables! You gotta eat them so you can live. I like to put vegetables in my mouth. I like the way they taste!

–N Train

Guy to another: Take the pickle, because by god if someone else does and you don't get it, well, you'll be pickle-less and that's not ideal.

–125th St

Overheard by: Brian K.

Maybe He Doesn't Eat Carbs?

Old black hobo: Folks… Look inside your heart. I am hungry and I am homeless. Please help me with some food or something. Look inside your heart.
(young black teenager keeps waving a subway sandwich in his face while hobo continues to rant)
Old black hobo
: Look inside your heart. I am so hungry. Just look inside your heart!

Young black teenager, real pissed off: Sucka, look inside this bag! There's a sandwich in here!

–1 Train

That's “None Of Your Fucking Business, Cunt” in New Yorker Speak

Guy #1, entering cafe, to tourist holding door: I'm not giving you a fucking tip!
Guy #2, quietly: You're welcome.
(woman comes in, guy #2 holds door again, woman nods politely)
Woman
: You're not from round here, are you?

Guy #2, in British accent: Apparently.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Calas

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Social Construct

Angry construction worker to befuddled construction worker: Don't look at me like that! Don't say that to me! Go home and fuck my wife, asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jumana

Construction working to another: Man, I need to get me a bi girlfriend. She'd be lovin' me, and I'd be lovin' her friends.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich R.

Construction worker, singing: If there's a skeeter on your Peter/whack it off! (claps twice)

–Waverly Place & 5th Ave

Overheard by: steph

Tough construction worker, unloading van: Yo, I was up til like 2 am watchin' Scooby Doo Where Are You!

–Humboldt & Withers

Overheard by: francesca

Construction worker, staring up at construction skyscraper: It's all twisted. It's going to come down.

–Williams St

Overheard by: Sonya