Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category

The Pot Calling the Kettle “Wednesday One-Liner”

Guy blocking overcrowded subway car to elderly woman trying to squeeze by: Hey! You could say "excuse me!"

–Uptown N Train

Woman, eating falafel: I'm trying to stay away from fried foods.

–40th St

Five foot, 250-pound woman to friend: Wow! That girl in front of us is fat!

–42nd & 8th

Man on cell: Maybe you're the one with the fucking anger problem! Dick!

–Outside The Met

Overheard by: Yellow!

Wednesday One-Liners Star in P.S. – I Lavatory You

Guy, rushing into room: Guys, come here. I need a witness in the bathroom right now.

–Times Square

Screaming Latino stepping into urinal: Ah! Ah! Ah! Sorry y'all, I just got dem crabs, so it hurts when it comes out.

–South Ferry

Voice from cubicle emitting diarrhea sounds the day after Yom Kippur: Ugh, Jewish holidays.

–Broadway

Woman coming out of bathroom: I just heard the woman in the stall next to me say, "I love my ample taint."

–Astoria

Overheard by: Alison R

Can Civil Engineering Correct This Lack Of Civility? Discuss.

(nurse with elderly lady on wheelchair comes against Asian American pregnant woman with baby in stroller)
Nurse
: Oh my, I'm sorry! (pulls back to let woman and child pass)

Asian American pregnant woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I can…
Senile old lady: Get out of the way, chink!
(infant cries)
Asian American pregnant woman
: Excuse me?

Nurse: Oh my god! I'm so sorry.
Senile old lady: Don't apologize!
(nurse backs up and lets mother and child through)

–Washington Square Village

Overheard by: zgoldberg

Wine and Wednesday One-Liners

Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Station

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?

–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St

Overheard by: Ladle

Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.

–Union Square

Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…

–Bedford & 4th

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student