Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category

Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening

Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!

–6 Train

Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up

Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven.

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: D Dot

Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen.

–24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave

Overheard by: EmLo

Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York!

–Park Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker.

–Lexington & 90th St

The Pot Calling the Kettle “Wednesday One-Liner”

Guy blocking overcrowded subway car to elderly woman trying to squeeze by: Hey! You could say "excuse me!"

–Uptown N Train

Woman, eating falafel: I'm trying to stay away from fried foods.

–40th St

Five foot, 250-pound woman to friend: Wow! That girl in front of us is fat!

–42nd & 8th

Man on cell: Maybe you're the one with the fucking anger problem! Dick!

–Outside The Met

Overheard by: Yellow!

Wednesday One-Liners Star in P.S. – I Lavatory You

Guy, rushing into room: Guys, come here. I need a witness in the bathroom right now.

–Times Square

Screaming Latino stepping into urinal: Ah! Ah! Ah! Sorry y'all, I just got dem crabs, so it hurts when it comes out.

–South Ferry

Voice from cubicle emitting diarrhea sounds the day after Yom Kippur: Ugh, Jewish holidays.

–Broadway

Woman coming out of bathroom: I just heard the woman in the stall next to me say, "I love my ample taint."

–Astoria

Overheard by: Alison R

Can Civil Engineering Correct This Lack Of Civility? Discuss.

(nurse with elderly lady on wheelchair comes against Asian American pregnant woman with baby in stroller)
Nurse
: Oh my, I'm sorry! (pulls back to let woman and child pass)

Asian American pregnant woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I can…
Senile old lady: Get out of the way, chink!
(infant cries)
Asian American pregnant woman
: Excuse me?

Nurse: Oh my god! I'm so sorry.
Senile old lady: Don't apologize!
(nurse backs up and lets mother and child through)

–Washington Square Village

Overheard by: zgoldberg

Wine and Wednesday One-Liners

Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Station

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?

–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St

Overheard by: Ladle

Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.

–Union Square

Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…

–Bedford & 4th

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student