Archive for the ‘Ass’ Category

The Astoria Poster-Children Were Fired Shortly Thereafter

Young punk #1: Where's the fucking n train? Can we get NRW in this shit… (pause) So my friend was all coked out and fucking this girl in the ass, then he totally lost it and started pissing right in her asshole.
Young punk #2: Woah…did she notice?
Young punk #1: Of course she noticed, he was pissing in her fucking asshole! (train arrives) Oh, sweet, it's the n!
Young punk #2: Yes! Astoria represent!

–Union Square, Waiting for the NRW

You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.

–W 34th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.

–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Phil

Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.

–Lawton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Eric Frazier

Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)

–Penn Station

Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Robert H

Wednesday One-liners

Woman: A hundred dollars worth of squeaky toys and you eat garbage off the floor! I don’t get it. –22nd & 7th Overheard by: debo Teenage boy: Once I hit the blind kid that lives downstairs with a ball and I felt so bad but it had me thinking, “what if he got his sight back by me hitting him?”. I would be like, “yo, you have your sight back thanks to me, give me some money.” –2 train Girl on cell: Your ass is, like, slightly cuter than my face. –Union Square

I'm Just Burning and Throbbing for a Job

Boyfriend: I would do just about anything for a job right now, maybe even take it in the ass.
Friend: Ew! Why would you want to do that? It burns and throbs for like a week after.
(long awkward pause)
Friend
: Uh-oh. (blushes, runs away)

Boyfriend, yelling over crowd: Oh, great… You set me back months with my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: You're such an asshole!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: nick

Wednesday Fatty-Boombalatty-Liners

Girls looking at pictures: He was mad fat, but he was a good ass baby.

–Uptown A Train

Guy walking through sea of sun bathers: There aren't even that many fat people here… That's good.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Guy on cell: You're not skinny fat, no.

–East Village

Guy on cell phone: You mean you're not going to fatso's wedding!

–N Train

Overheard by: wasn't even invited

Female suit: Why the hell does Weight Watchers have so many big fat people working in their offices, anyway? That's so not inspiring!

–40th & Madison Ave

Guy on phone: You mean the really nice one? She got big? What do you mean by big? (pause) Oh. Well, she has an exceptionally beautiful face, man. Do the right thing.

–9th & 15th

Overheard by: Courtney

Wednesday Will Go Nazarene on Your One-Liners

Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass.

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Emily B.

40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there?

–Starbucks

Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior.

–Queens College

Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along.

–22nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Rachel Peters

Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible–Jesus is coming back tomorrow!

–B44 Bus

Overheard by: Micah

Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Smudge

The Wednesday Bone's Connected to the One-Liner Bone…

Man with beard to friend: You should stick with her. I mean, she's giving you her kidney!

–77th & Columbus

Teen hipster, commenting on girl's nose: It's not too nosy, but you know it's a nose.

–Starbucks, 71st & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddie

Girl: She just really needs that second body, you know?

–W 16th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Guy yelling to friend: So I said "My rectum? My rectum!?"

–Broadway & John St

Guy on phone: No, bitch, you rub my belly!

–Houston St

Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Folks, I apologize for the delay, the conductor had to make a pit stop…when you get old, your kidneys start to fail.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Kristin