Archive for the ‘Ass’ Category

…Why're People Staring at Us?

Youngblood thug #1: Yo, I just came from the doctor and my shit was just violated.
Youngblood thug #2: Nigga, what you talkn' bout?
Youngblood thug #1: He just grabbed my shit and told me to cough.
Youngblood thug #2: Yo dick?
Youngblood thug #1: Yeah, nigga!
Youngblood thug #2: Get the fuck outta here.
Youngblood thug #1, depressingly: Yeah, nigga.
Middle aged thug: That shit ain't nothing. I had a colonoscopy or whatever the fuck it's called.
Youngblood thug #1: What the fuck is that?
Middle aged thug: I don't know, but the nigga went up my ass.
Youngblood thug #1 and #2: What the fuck?
Middle aged thug: Nah, but I'm not gonna front, though that shit tickled at first.

–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Minors

Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Tara

Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?

Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!

–M104 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha

Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!

–Bergdorf Goodman

Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.

–Borders, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Rear Naked Choke

Girl to another: And she went to get into her car. I was like "you'd better get out of here or I'm gonna fuck you up." And she was all slamming the door and stopping over to me. And I was all in her face and bitch-slapped her. Well, that last part might have been a dream. But then she got into her car and left.

–NY Central Library

Overheard by: amused

Woman on cell: Hi, Annie! How are you? (pause) I'm going to get my ass kicked by a very big black man.

–Park Slope

Suit on cell: If you don't stop hanging up on me, I will kick you in the throat.

–Times Square

Guy on cell, very loudly: Yeah, but, so nobody knows about it except me and the other guys in the fight club.

–21st St & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

20-something girl: And then she chloroformed me. (pause) I said that too loud.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Russ

It's Always Sunny in Wednesday One-Liner

Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!

–14th St & University Place

Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.

–9th Ave & 25th St

Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!

–2nd & Bedford

Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"

–Bleecker St

Wednesday All-Your-2,000-Parts Liners

Very upset girl to no one in particular: But nobody would ever fuck my eyelashes!

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Boy to another: He said he had to go and get a colon autopsy!

–84th & 3rd

Overheard by: Laura

Woman to husband: And I swear, she only has half an eye!

–Times Square

Older dude in sweater vest: It was considered the Rolls Royce of organs.

–111th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Middle aged man walking his dog at night: She had a shamrock on her face and a shamrock on her butt.

–West End & 77th St

Girl to another: Are you going to be upset if he has short arms?

–University Place

Wednesday One-Liners Sharpen Their Elbows

Tourist to boyfriend: Why are there so many humans here?

–Times Square

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this n train is very crowded. There is a w train one minute behind this one with air conditioning, legroom, and color tv.

–N Train

Overheard by: Thinking about switching

Guy: Y'all can't crowd up here! I don't want to name any names, but there's a baby back there that just got stepped on.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Samantha Chastain

Girl walking up stairs, suddenly turning around: Oh, nuh-uh! Get your forehead out of my ass!

–F Train

Money Can't Buy Me Wednesday One-Liner

Girl on cell: And then she said "dammit, I'm in love with a 52-year-old gay man," and I was like "well, who isn't?"

–Astoria

Overheard by: AnotherFagHag

Man on cell: So I told her, "I missed you more than I loved you," but I didn't mean it in a bad way.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Overheard by: memzilla

Black student to black girl sitting next to him: See that's why niggas don't tell bitches they love 'em!

–St. John's University

Overheard by: naha

Thug on cell: No, no. I love your whole ass as issss.

–Broadway & Beaver

Girl to group of friends: Right, I'm so incapable of love because I think sex is gross!

–LIRR

Hot 20-something to another: Either he acts like he doesn't know me, or he is a total asshole. No wonder I'm in love with him.

–Union Square