Guy on cell: …yeah, and then I got arrested. So what’s up with you? –Brooklyn Heights Cop: Man, there’s a lot of Grade A ass out here today! –Ground Zero Guy: Don’t feel bad, honey. I’d say that one out of every 8 guys is a convicted arsonist. –Union Square Cop: Man, I hate going to the bathroom. You gotta take all this stuff off! –Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Young queer on cell, laughing: I mean, what is he going to blackmail me with?
–9th & 47th
Overheard by: wondering
Older queer to boyfriend: There's nothing like listening to Bach after having sex!
–W 72nd St, Record Store
Overheard by: I'll have to try that sometime…
(40-something gay guy is looking through a clearance rack of mismatched outerwear under sign that reads "Big and tall active bottoms")
60-something gay guy, yelling: Good luck, dahling, you're in the wrong section. Find where the big desperate bottoms are and try that!
–KMart, Penn Station
Overheard by: RoverUSA
Gay black man to whimpering toddler held by mother: Don't even start with me… Thank the Lord you ain't my kid.
Young, good looking gay guy to much older ugly boyfriend: My ex-boyfriend always bought me presents…
–86th St & Lexington
Woman: I like butts. I don't have no butt fetish!
Male friend: You're always saying “kiss my butt”!
–39 th St & Broadway
Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."
–43rd & 9th
Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?
–W 4th Street
Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom
20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.
–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Lauren Weiss
Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.
–Astor Place Subway Station
Overheard by: Shane and Sammy
Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."
–Uptown E Train
Overheard by: wondering where she works
Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.
–Broadway Station Bar, Astoria
Woman #1 (searching for seat in crowded theater): Is this seat taken?
Woman #2: Oh, no sweetie, this one will make your butt cramp up. I keep tryin to sit in it but my leg keeps goin numb! It's such a bad butt cramp seat.
Woman #1: I'll take your word for it.
–Lowes Cinema, 3rd & 11th
Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!
–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center
Overheard by: G-Lime
A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.
Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!
Overheard by: Don
Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.
–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem
Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.
Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!
–44th & Lexington
Cyclist #1: So how was your girl’s birthday?
Cyclist #2: All right, I guess. I kinda fucked up.
Cyclist #1: Fucked up? How?
Cyclist #2: Well, she’s vegan.
Cyclist #1: Yeah, so?
Cyclist #2: Well, I bought her a leather seat for her bike.
Cyclist #1: So what, man? She’s vegan — just because she doesn’t like cow in her mouth doesn’t mean she won’t like it in her ass.
Overheard by: Prolly
Woman #1: I really don’t think you’re leading him on.
Woman #2: That’s what everyone says…but they don’t know I’m grabbing his ass every day. –Bloomingdale’s, 59th Street Overheard by: djlindee
Man to girlfriend: You know, I was never going to tell you this, but I really dislike your mother.
20-something girl on cell: Mmm-hmm. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry he's such a jerk. (pause) Mmm-hmm. (pause, suddenly very angrily) Well, ain't no man allowed to say your mom isn't special!
–207th St & Broadway
Slob college kid: Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-five-year-old ass, Rachel? No, wait, my mom's fifty-five… Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-yea-old ass?
Teen girl setting up voicemail on phone: Hey! This is Katy. If you're not my mother, please leave a message.
Nanny to little boy sticking head under her top: No, no sweetie. See, this is something I would have to tell mommy about.
–42nd St & Lexington
Overheard by: Carolyn