Archive for the ‘Asshole’ Category

I Think He’s a Latent Wednesday One-liner

Suit: I’m always really careful when I eat so I don’t have to take it up the ass when I go to the dry cleaner. –Organic Grill, 1st Avenue Man: I’m telling you, what you should do is take a picture of yourself naked now and then in about two, three months, take another one and compare. Maybe keep doing that, you know? Keep a photo album documenting it. I think you should. –F train Overheard by: Jenni Unicorn Man on cell: Okay, I gotta go ’cause I’m fucking sweating my dick off. –Union Square Overheard by: Kevin Kilroy College guy: Have you ever jacked off with your feet? –TKTS, Duffy Square Guy on cell: I have a blood clot in my asshole! –15th & 3rd Woman: He’s a good friend, but the sex is pretty awful. He a good kisser, but he has trouble further than that. I’m just not his type. I don’t have a penis. –West 4th Street station Overheard by: Rachel Adler Puerto Rican guy: Second-best feeling in the world. First is sex. I
guarantee it. –Barnes & Noble men’s room, Union Square

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center Of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her. –59th St & 9th Ave Overheard by: aenigma NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again. –Forsyth St & E Houston St Overheard by: Dave-o Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy! –Barnes & Noble, Bayside Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole. –Ale House, MacDougal St Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow? –86th & 3rd Overheard by: Jana

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner

Guy: I can’t wait ’til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist. –Class, W4th & Mercer Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I’m pre-med. I’m qualified. –Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it’s like, ‘I gave her my heart, she gave me… her urine sample.’ Should we give him my number? –Beth Israel Medical Center Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can’t shit… Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I’ve entertained about anal sex are gone. –12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn Overheard by: What the… Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner. –Lexington subway station

Haven’t You Pissed Off God Enough Already?

Queer #1: She’s kinda bummed…Her parents split; her dad’s marrying another man.
Queer #2: Luckily, that’s not atypical. –Elevator, 14th Street & 8th Avenue Queer #1: I’ve been feeling so gross lately. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been having so much ass sex.
Queer #2: Gross like a whore?
Queer #1: No. Like, every time you shit your poop gets rubbed into your ass wounds. Maybe it’s making me sick…What? It’s like rubbing your papercuts in Bombay sewer water. –Boysroom, Avenue A Overheard by: zac Queer: I don’t care about my boyfriend like I care about you. I am buying you these things because I love you. His phone rings. Queer: Hello?…Aw, I love you, too. He hangs up. Queer: That was him. –Barney’s, Madison Avenue

Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?! –Old Navy, Harlem Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!? –F Train Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass! –St Mark's Place Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back! –Yankee Stadium Overheard by: torrie Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone! –1st & 14th Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass. –forever 21 (queens center mall) Overheard by: defragment my harddrive