Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category

Ten Bucks Says the “Chick in the Restaurant” Was His Hand in a KFC Bathroom

Married guy on cell: So, last night I was out with this chick and she, like, went down on me in the restaurant. Then I went to the other room and saw this girl I used to date and we did it in the–
70-year-old lady, tapping guy on shoulder: –Excuse me, mister — the entire bus can hear your conversation.
Married guy on cell: Uh, I’ll call you back [disembarks as soon as possible].

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Ari

We Also Carry Real New York Beatings

Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I’m having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from…Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can’t even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don’t have it, I’m gonna fucking…I don’t know!…I’ll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it’s not me!…Ha, ha, ha! 5 minutes later. Woman #2: That’s her! That’s her! That’s the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It’s like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can’t wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It’s awesome! –Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker

If These Balls Could Talk, They’d Say the Same Thing

Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It’s not my fault you’re still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn’t talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.

–Morton St

Overheard by: these walls are paperthin


Headline by: Damo


Runners-Up:
· “I Apologize for Ovaryacting” – Katherine Duke
· “Quiet! We’re Trying to Decide Whether or Not We’re Going to Trap You into Marrying Us.” – Kara
· “The Whore Moans” – Stephanie L
· “You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour” – Kristen
· “You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom.” – Josh H




Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Bedwetting She’s Made Her Peace With

Woman: …I am just trying to figure out why you thought it was okay for you to pack for a weekend at my parents’ home, in a backpack.
Man: What’s wrong with my backpack? You know I don’t own an overnight bag.
Woman: How can your only alternative be a fucking backpack? You can’t understand how that would be embarrassing for me? Jesus, Adrian, you’re 37 years old and you’re still traveling with a backpack? –70th & 3rd Overheard by: K. Bumsted

M.E.: I’d Say She’s Been Dead All Weekend

Guy #1: Dude, are you going to that party this weekend?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend has been sick all week. She was, like, throwing up and coughing up a lung yesterday. I told her, ‘You better not get me fucking sick. I am not missing this party. I will seriously kick your ass if you get me sick.’
Guy #1: What did she say?
Guy #2: I don’t know. She fell asleep or something.

–Lincoln Center