Archive for the ‘At the Airport’ Category

The Wednesday One-liners Red Eye

Stewardess lady: If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull it down firmly. Continue to breathe normally. If you are travelling with a small child, or someone who acts like a small child, please secure your mask and then assist them. –JFK Overheard by: Amy

Terror Alert Level: Brown

Guy #1: I had the runs the entire damn flight and some bitch flight attendant tells me to stop going back and forth to the bathroom.
Guy #2: What did she think, you were going to blow up the plane with your explosive diarrhea?
Guy #1: Well, one thing’s for sure: I left that toilet in a hell of a mess! –JFK Starbucks Overheard by: Justin Ackman

Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.

–LaGuardia

Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Kim

Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK airport

Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt.

–JFK airport

Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week!

–LaGuardia Airport

American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Airport – about to take off

Overheard by: So K

Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: mj kiran