Archive for the ‘At the Airport’ Category

Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time

Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: … Then why are there lasers?

–JFK

Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip


Headline by: Miss Edith


Runners-Up:
· “Dont EVER question lasers” – melissa

· “For the sharks, of course” – Britta
· “In case you start kicking the seat in front of you” – bobofthejungle
· “To Protect Us From Gay Marriage” – ImmaculatePizza


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

When the Octopus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sitting there on opposite ends of the couch and our feet were all intertwined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each other for ages!’ … Well, I’m thinking of asking him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re compatible. ‘Cause, you know, I want someone compatible. I wonder what his genealogical lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s willing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in control of everything.

–Plane leaving LaGuardia

Overheard by: Cassandra

Oprah: Thanks! Asshole.

Sister: What’s with all the celebs trying to adopt kids from every different country in the world?
Brother: I don’t know. It’s getting old already — it’s almost like they are doing it because it’s the ‘in’ thing to do. It’s ridiculous… I mean, take Oprah, for instance — she builds schools and homes for them and leaves them in their natural habitat. I think it’s better that way.

–Flight to NYC

I’m Considering Galoshes

Big black woman #1: I shouldn’a ate all them bags of party mix. I shoulda got me some low fat snack instead.
Big black woman #2: Why you say that?
Big black woman #1: ‘Cause I took my damn shoes off an’ now I cain’t get ‘em back on! My feet’s all swelled up from the party mix.
Big black woman #2: Girl, why you wear such tight shoes? I’m wearin’ sandals.
Big black woman #1: Sandals? Who the fuck wears sandals when it’s all snowy and icy and shit?
Big black woman #2: Someone who can get their damn shoes back on after eatin’ all that party mix, that’s who.

–JetBlue flight 806 to JFK

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience

Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.

–Incoming flight, LaGuardia

Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

–JFK

Overheard by: geico lizard

Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right?

–JetBlue flight leaving JFK

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.

–JFK

Overheard by: mrmcd

Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.

–JFK

Overheard by: babs standigio

Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here.

–LaGuardia