Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes! –B9 Bus 20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA. –Downtown 6 Train Overheard by: dallas Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby. –AMC Theater 19th & Broadway Overheard by: Julie 20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back? –1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me! –St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St Overheard by: cody

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not… –Columbia University Overheard by: Lo Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches? –7 Train Overheard by: Andrea Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women. –Downtown NYC Courthouse Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick! –4 Train Overheard by: Marlon B Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly. –Cobble Hill Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead. –Fordham University Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Well, She's Not Really Sure After That Incident with the Donkey…

Ghetto girl #1: I went over there, and she's pregnant.
Ghetto girl #2, gasping: Pregnant with a *baby*? –Q30 Bus Overheard by: Cori Headline by: missquirk Runners-Up:
· “‘Cuz If It’s an Alien Again, I’m Skipping the Shower” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Depends on Whether You Ask Pro-Lifers or Pro-Choicers” – Ryan
· “I Better Go Back and Check” – Mike
· “Judging by the Bleeding Statues and Pentagrams, No” – The Least Funny Demon
· “Never Take a Roofie at the Zoo” – Nick Pollotta
· “No, Just Shoplifting Again” – Skug Skellum
· “No………She Just Likes to Pause a Lot” – clair
· “Rosemary’s Friends Saw It Coming” – asdfghjkl;
· “She Was Drunk. The Dog *Looked* Like a Dude” – Jim
· “Someone’s Seen Alien a Few Too Many Times…” – Kei
· “Well It’s Either That or the Spawn Of Satan…” – J
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Rainbow Connection

Gay man: Now that everything is lesbian, bi and transgender, I don't know if I can lead the committee anymore, 'cause I've got my gay male privilege. –W 13th St Man with clipboard: Do you have a moment for gay rights? (silence) C'mon, help support the people that made your clothes! –10th St & 5th Ave Overheard by: You mean 10-year olds in Honduras? Thug teenage dad, about baby staring at effeminate Asian man: Oh shit, she's already got her gaydar on. –4 Train Chick to friends: I would be like the sluttiest gay guy and it would be totally awesome. –Christopher St Man: …and you know there are a ton of gays who have no problem taking it straight up the ass. –Times Square 11-year-old thuggish boy: No homo, but he looks better than his sister. –Bronx Playground Black guy: I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I love guys! –Union St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting C-Sections in Honor of Brangelina

Keen observer: That woman’s not pregnant; she’s just real old. –Bleecker & Bowery Overheard by: Poetgirl Woman holding baby: You don’t understand why I’m upset when, after I deliver your 10-pound baby, you take another woman to a wine bar? –4th & Macdougal Overheard by: kevin Woman: Being pregnant is like slowly drinking a bottle of ipecac. –52nd & Ave of the Americas Five year old: This baby stuff is boring! –Labor & Delivery, Our Lady of Mercy Medical Center, the Bronx Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer Douchebag: I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face…Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork! –Metro-North Hipster: I don’t care about getting married. I just want to get pregnant so I can see my gynecologist more often. –Alma, Red Hook, Brooklyn