Old Jewish man: My doorman doesn't like me.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: Why?
Old Jewish man: If I told you, you wouldn't believe it. I had a bunch of newspapers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the recycling bin. So I was opening it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don't have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twenty dollars!
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: You didn't keep it, did you?
Old Jewish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: And the doorman saw that?
Old Jewish man: Uh-huh.
–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd
Archive for the ‘Bank’ Category
Ada Had an Identical Conversation With the Doctor About Her Husband's Viagra Prescription
Older woman: Excuse me, have you found a set of keys in here?
Teller: No, ma'am.
Older woman: They're not mine, they're a friend's.
Teller: We haven't found any.
Older woman: If I lost my keys, I would be upset, and would want the the person who found them to give them back.
Teller: We haven't found your keys.
Older woman: If they were my keys I would be very upset right now.
–Bank, Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
Wedne$day One-Liner$
Blonde: But I want my money to have personality.
–Bleecker St
Overheard by: Late Night Doritos
Guy in Sweeny Todd t-shirt: Oh my god, we have to go back, we forgot the cardboard! How can we make money without cardboard?!
–McDonald's, 3rd Ave
Eastern European man: I never waited for an ATM in my life! What the fuck!?
–Bank of America, University & 14th
Well-dressed middle aged woman: Money is so expensive these days…
–Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Bargin Shopper
Woman in line for general admission, to companion: An $18 museum? You'd better look at fucking everything, and touch some stuff too!
–Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Tom
Give Me a Wednesday With One-Liners, Long Beautiful One-Liners
Latino nanny to redheaded toddler, after he throws his hat at her: Put your hat back on your hair! It's freaking people out.
–Central Park
Disheveled raggedy hobo, reprimanding suit: Get a haircut!
–Wachovia Wells Fargo
Overheard by: CS
Loud black girl on cell phone: You know where the train station is, where all them homeless people live? Yeah, that's where I go get my hair done. She doesn't fuck my hair up, because I told her, "you best not fuck my hair up." And now she never does. (chuckles)
–LIRR
Overheard by: kill her
Beautiful angry woman on cell: I had told you to meet me at 116th Street because I got my hair in my bag! My weave hair! I had wanted to do my hair later, because it's too damn hot to be sitting up in that place. But I'm not going to no damn barbecue with weave hair in my bag!
–The Bronx
Overheard by: Shrimp on the barbie
Little boy with squirt gun: No! You wetted my hair! My beautiful flowing hair!
–Rockefeller Park
Wednesday One-Liner: The Musical
Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!
–Curtis High School, Staten Island
Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I've ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.
–Jazz at Lincoln Center
Guy on cell: I guess they're musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.
–79th St b/w York & 1st
Overheard by: Queixa
Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it's okay.
–15th St & 8th Ave
Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Kateri
Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I've never been here before, but I'm actually having a good time. I mean, I don't know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.
–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why'd you shut it off? I liked that song!
–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard
Well, One Could.
Sassy black tourist girl: Excuse me, you seen an ATM?
Security guard: (silence)
Sassy black tourist girl: I said, any of y'all seen an ATM?
Woman using ATM: Um, these are ATMs.
Sassy black tourist girl: Oh shoot, you could get money outta that?
–Chase, Broadway & Spring
Does Yours Look Like Danny Devito, Too?
Woman in line at bank: I got a twin.
Friend: I think everybody do.
–HSBC, Boreum Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tony Cimino, DMA
You'll Be Embarrassed When You Realize He's Talking on His New Bluetooth
Hobo to himself: The VA wants $200. (pause) How can I give them $200? (pause) I only get $320. (pause) Maybe I'll bribe them. (pause) No, that won't work–you need money to bribe people.
–Chase ATM, Grammercy
Overheard by: cmk
Headline by: Luminesce
Runners-Up:
· “He’ll Be Running a Hedge Fund in No Time” – again
· “I Guess the Facelift Will Have to Wait” – JohnAustin
· “In the End, He’ll Use His Sex Appeal” – Daniel
· “It’s a Catch-22″ – Gary
· “Or Just Vomit on Their Doorstep Until They Cave in” – Fresca P
· “You Could Try to Sell Barack Obama’s Senate Seat” – Nick Pollotta
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Half Of the City Has That Excuse, Ma'am.
Hobo, opening door for ATM users: Hey, girl. Remember the homeless. Give money to the homeless.
Woman, leaving ATM and walking out the door: No. I just got fired.
–Citibank, 16th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Lindsay
Get That Triumph-of-the-Human-Spirit Taste Out Of My Mouth
20-something guy: I saw Wall-E this weekend. (pause) Then I saw Wanted to balance it out.
–Deutsche Bank Elevator
Overheard by: Katerina S,