Archive for the ‘Bartenders’ Category

You Can't Say “Engelbert Humperdinck” in a Gay Bar, Sir

Bar patron, listening to Sweet Caroline: Wow. I've never heard this version before. It's cool! Who's singing?
Twinkie bartender: It's from that show Glee. I've never heard the original, though. Whose song is it?
Bar patron: Oh, man, that takes me back. Englebert Humperdinck. A guy named Englebert Humperdinck–he wrote it for Caroline Kennedy. –Gay Bar, West Village Overheard by: Bob

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Sob Story

Cute girl on Penn station escalator: I dipped my dim sum in her tears! –NJ Transit Man in running gear on cell: I never get to, but I'm going to try again. I just hope I don't cry! –Brooklyn Overheard by: Daniel Girl to friend: I cried so hard it went down and under my armpit. –Brooklyn Overheard by: porter Bartender: I'll bet he cries when he masturbates. –MacDougal & W 3rd Overheard by: Greg Woman to friends: My vagina is leaking tears right now. –5th St & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Zoe

Wednesday One-Liners, for Purely Medicinal Purposes

Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month. –Broadway & 43rd St Overheard by: Maria Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt! –Vandam St & 6th Ave 20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia. –R Train Overheard by: Note to self…. Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah… I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'. –Jamaica, Queens Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer. –Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th Overheard by: Newsbunny

Standby for the World's First $12 Cup o' Cocoa

Patron to bartender goon: I'll have a hot cocoa, please.
Bartender goon: Cocoa? What the fuck do I know about cocoa? –Diner, 14th St & 6th Ave Headline by: Leary Blaine Runners-Up:
· “His Mom Used to Give Him Beer Before Bedtime” – Vasyl
· “It’s Like a Hot Carl, but with Marshmallows” – I’ll have one straight up
· “It’s Like a Sex on the Beach, Only with Dark Sand” – Sandy Paws
· “Just Kidding… Password Accepted; Third Door on Your Right” – Dustin
· “The Same Question That Got Him Fired from Starbucks” – version
· “Unless You’re Referring to That Stripper That Used to Work Here” – Ramsey
· “Way to Go Glen Cocoa” – Mean Girlz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liner

Teenage girl to friends: How many babies can you squish into an oversized Ferrari? –W 77th & Central Park West Overheard by: Teddy Nicholas Bartender: Can you imagine living somewhere where you actually have to drive home after work? –Vintage Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen Overheard by: GretaGarbo86 Dude eating lunch with friends: Man, I hate to say it, but I love driving drunk. –Restaurant, Bleecker & Lafayette Gay black man to another: First of all, that fender bender you had a block away from your house was not a car accident. My three-car-pile-up was a car accident! –A Train Six-year-old to mom: What? An actual person who drinks and drives and she's famous? She's been in movies and she drinks and drives?! What is happening to this world? –13th St & 5th Ave Random wannabe thug: Yo, we seen a NYPD car get hit by a harpoon! –Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John's University Overheard by: Craig