Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)
–Q Ttrain
Overheard by: Robert G.
Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?
–Fordham University
Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.
–3rd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: SophieMed
Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.
–Sunshine Suites
Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?
–Castle Clinton
Overheard by: B Fraz
20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!
–Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I prefer to flush
Archive for the ‘Battery Park’ Category
Wednesday Has His Cake and Eats One-Liners, Too
Teen on cell: Man, it's really hard to be bi-curious around gay guys you don't like.
–L Train
Older gay man: Oh, it must be wonderful to be bisexual! I mean, bilingual.
–69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ana
Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I didn't want him making out with other girls. Other boys are fine, because they don't kiss on the mouth as much.
–Europa Cafe, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, baby, this is the city. Eeeeverybody's bisexual!
–Battery Park
Overheard by: Modern Guilt
Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors
Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!
–Columbus Circle
Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)
–Cab, Broadway & Houston
Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?
–Battery Park
Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!
–Cab, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Gene Gray
Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.
–Queens
Overheard by: Fiasco
That, and They Never Go to the Gym
Girl, in line for Circle Line: Oh my god! The squirrels here are so fat! Fatter than the ones back home!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: The pigeons are fat, too!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: I don't want anymore of this pretzel. Here, pigeon…
Stranger girl, annoyed: That's why the pigeons are so fat here!
–Battery Park
Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses
Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)
–34th St & 9th St
Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!
–Penn Station Bathroom
Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.
–25th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: I agree
Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?
–Restroom, Grand Central
Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!
–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas
Overheard by: Russ Wall
It's Like Blackboard Jungle Over There!
Elderly math teacher: By god, you can't just hand me any mangled piece of paper you want! What do you think this is, the Bronx High School of Science?
Geeky kid #1: Oooh, that's mean.
Geeky kid #2: Well, at least he didn't say Brooklyn Tech. They have cameras everywhere, and if you dis them, they'll take out their gun and be all, “What did you say about my school?”
Geeky kid #1: You just made that up.
Geeky kid #2: I wish.
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by:
There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners
Festering pedestrian: Well, he didn't mention my name at the Tonys, and for that I'll never forgive him.
–43rd St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Ryan
Producer of an unsuccessful off-Broadway play: That's what this show makes me do. Everyday I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don't do this anywhere else.
–Chelsea Theater
Overheard by: Kyle
Audience member to friend: Of course it sucks. It's Shakespeare.
–Macbeth Performance, Battery Park
Hipster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You
–NYCL Production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline, Central Park
Overheard by: digamma
Hipster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these better. At least I won't get my head humped tonight.
–Hair Performance, Delacorte Theatre
Teenybopper at intermission: Joe Jonas would make such an incredible bodega guy!
–Richard Rodgers Theatre
“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”
Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!
–8th & 34th
Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: It's how I got mine
Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!
–Coney Island Broadwalk
Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!
–Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: CG
Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!
–Spring Street, SoHo
Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.
–W 12th & W 4th
Overheard by: michael diamond
I Sell Myself Magic Beans Every Morning
Mr. Smith* (lifting student's backpack) That's overloaded. You need to get a boyfriend to carry that for you.
Student: I don't need a boyfriend.
Mr. Smith: Then find some sucker to carry it for you.
Student: I'm my own sucker!
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: The Happy Hippie
Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners
Man: So I was making out with my ex girlfriend on the bridge and out of nowhere this dog runs over and starts humping my leg…
–Uptown 1 Train
Dude outside bar: All dogs are gay.
–7th Avenue, Park Slope
Overheard by: The Katie
Black man arguing with kiosk man: Yo, he ain't my son, he's my dog!
–6th Street
Middle-aged woman walking her dog to passersby: I'm a dog! I don't know why none of you believe me! I talk to my dog. Humans don't talk to animals, animals talk to animals! I'm not human! And until you people realize that, you're going to keep having problems with me!
–9th St & University Place
Overheard by: Katie
Drunk guy to girls walking puppy: Hey giiirl. Watch yo dawg. Giiirl! Watch yo dog… Cuz I might bite!
–Staten Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Izzy
(teacher's cell rings)
Teacher: I have a feeling I have to answer this. It's very important. It's about my puppy.
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: student