Archive for the ‘Biotechs’ Category

Okay, Now We Know Why You’re Still Single

Chick #1: She got really upset with me for telling him that she got her wedding dress online.
Chick #2: Oh, I kind of understand that–
Chick #3, furiously: –What?! She can take his dick in her mouth, but she can’t tell him she got her wedding dress online?! She can put her face in his ass and not tell him she got her fucking dress online?!

–Pizza place near 5th Ave & DeGraw, Park Slope

What About People Who Misuse “Subtlety”?

Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No…allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh…what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh…Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don’t get subtlety, either. –Stop & Shop, Long Island City Overheard by: mshorty

My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother

Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It’s not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it’s like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute… what, it’s a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I… I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!

–TGI Friday’s, 59th & Lex

Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays

The New Yorkers Waited With Bated Breath, Hoping Secession Was in the Works

Woman: Oh, this is great. We got on a nonstop train to Trenton. Just what I fuckin’ need in my life right now. It’s OK, we’ll just go see our nation’s capital.
Random man: Our nation’s capital?
Woman: You know I meant state. I don’t need comments from the fuckin’ peanut gallery. I went to high school. I graduated with fuckin’ honors.

–NJ Transit train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Another fuckin’ honor student

Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back

Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"

–Lower East Side

Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Overheard by: must not have liked you

Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Dayn

Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Overheard by: can I come to that party?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head.

–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Jazz

Congrats, You’re Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry

British bitch on cell: I’m surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can’t even read. They haven’t had a Latin education and they probably can’t even speak another language…I didn’t want to get a limo to take to the fuckin’ ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn’t want to take a cab because these uneducated people don’t understand directions. I didn’t want to spend $30 and not get to the right place…Please make sure my car gets fixed. I’ve been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I’m dressed like a commoner. I didn’t want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn’t been cleaned…She’s letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can’t afford to be there, they obviously don’t deserve to come. –Staten Island Ferry Overheard by: Christine