Archive for the ‘Bitch-slap’ Category

It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners

Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza…I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.

–14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave

Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.

–1st Ave & 20th St

Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No…not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece–with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.

–Crowded LIRR Train

Overheard by: CV

little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.

–La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island

Overheard by: Dawn D.

Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.

–Ave of the Americas

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.

–Basement, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: pop pop

Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!

–Park Slope

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby

Wednesday One-Liners in Clear Heels

Woman on cell: I may or may not have just accidentally become a sex worker.

–40th & 9th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Attractive gay man to boyfriend: If I had a better body, I would be a prostitute.

–W 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: rpk

Girl to friends: Just slap me! Slap me like a Thai hooker, for god's sake.

–115th & Broadway

Overheard by: columbia undergrad

Five-year-old boy: Mom, what's a gigolo?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Justine

Woman yelling into a cell: For the love of god, I'm sleeping with men for crack. Do you really think that would mess with my list of priorities?

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: Wonders what the suggestion was

20-something woman on cell: Wait–am I in the sex industry?

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Poogins

Animal, Wednesday One-Liner, or Mineral?

Man trying on hat: Hey! Do I look like John Wayne in this hat? Watch out, pilgrim! I'm planting roses!

–Botanical Garden

Girl to friend: I need a twig or a leaf or an herb or somethin'.

–C Train

White guy on cell: It's the goddamn Cherry Blossom Festival… so get your ass out here.

–Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Maintenance worker to another: Oh, come on! It's not working now. Let's try plugging it into the tree.

–42 St & 2nd Ave

Flower vendor: Shut up nigga, I'll slap you! Fresh roses!

–7th Ave & 26th

Overheard by: Todd

“Let’s Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiner!”

Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.

–Amsterdam Projects

Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Jynx

Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.

–W Hotel, 49th & Lex

Overheard by: Miami Hitman

Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Chinese Fighting Shoe

Girl: What happened?
Guy: Man, that girl brushed up on me, so I turned around, and the bitch said, “Don’t fucking look at me!” and she slapped me!
Girl: Really?!
Guy: And then my girl just starting beating on her!
Girlfriend: Haha yeah! Did you see all that blood?
Guy: Girl must have been coked out for it to come spilling out like that.
Girl: It was crazy! We didn’t know what was going on!
Girlfriend: Its like that time at the club when I took off my shoe!

–Kellogg Diner, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Lay the Smack Down

Big guy on phone: … All I’m sayin’ is that’s wrong, man — you hit an ol’ woman, and you’re a boxer!

–151st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Thin walls

Guy on cell: So, wait — you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow… Yeah, that’s still not appropriate.

–N 6th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: j

Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!

–168th & Fort Washington Ave

Overheard by: RR

Five-year-old girl to seven-year-old brother: I’ll punch your Adam’s apple straight down your throat!

–Graham Ave bus station

Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I’m gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!

–Broadway East station

Overheard by: Subwaysurfer