Archive for the ‘Body Parts’ Category

I’d Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner

Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!

–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center

Overheard by: G-Lime

A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.

–Forham University

Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!

–A Train

Overheard by: Don

Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.

–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem

Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.

–1250 Broadway

Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!

–44th & Lexington

The Eternal Question

Teen boy: No, really, she scares me.
Teen girl: Is that why you tell people you are gay?
Teen boy: What? No!
Teen girl: Are you gay?
Teen boy: I just don’t want to have a girlfriend.
Teen girl: What if she only wanted to have sex?
Teen boy: I am a good person. I have morals.
Teen girl: What if she had bigger boobs? –R train

There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners

Festering pedestrian: Well, he didn't mention my name at the Tonys, and for that I'll never forgive him.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Ryan

Producer of an unsuccessful off-Broadway play: That's what this show makes me do. Everyday I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don't do this anywhere else.


–Chelsea Theater


Overheard by: Kyle

Audience member to friend: Of course it sucks. It's Shakespeare.

Macbeth Performance, Battery Park

Hipster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You

–NYCL Production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline, Central Park

Overheard by: digamma

Hipster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these better. At least I won't get my head humped tonight.

Hair Performance, Delacorte Theatre

Teenybopper at intermission: Joe Jonas would make such an incredible bodega guy!

–Richard Rodgers Theatre

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!

–Metro North

Overheard by: Anna

Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.

–Troy Ave & Park Place

Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…

–3rd & 6th

Overheard by: j

Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!

–Broadway & 54th St

Overheard by: Loren

Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.

–42nd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Robin

Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: ellie

Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?

–East Village

What About People Who Misuse “Subtlety”?

Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No…allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh…what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh…Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don’t get subtlety, either. –Stop & Shop, Long Island City Overheard by: mshorty

And Leprosy?

Hungover girl #1: You and Kevin* seemed to be having a good time last night.
Hungover girl #2: Yeah, it was weird, though… I think one of his teeth fell out while we were making out.
Hungover girl #1: … He has a tongue ring, you idiot.

–Columbia campus

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

If You Listen You Can Hear Them Calling

Girl: Did you just say “jubble”? That can’t be a real word.
Guy: It’s like, silent onomatopoeia.
Girl: There’s no such thing as silent onomatopoeia. The very definition of the word “onomatopoeia” contradicts silence.
Guy: Well, it’s like the sound that boobs would make if they made sound. They’d go “jubble, jubble, jubble.”
Girl: I’m afraid I’m going to have to smack you now. Seriously. –13th & 3rd