Archive for the ‘Bouncers’ Category

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…

–Broadway Caribou Coffee

Overheard by: jenny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Overheard by: christine

30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: James from Jersey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

Depends on the Face

Barfly: It was a term of endearment.

Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face. –2×4, 2nd Ave & 4th St Overheard by: Cait O’Connor (and Foley)

Headline by: Dave Barnette
Runners-Up:
· “And Assault Isn’t A Spice, Either” – Kathy

· “Aww, you just feel left out.” – Alaine

· “He Said He Wanted Another Hit” – Playtah

· “He’s playing hard to get” – Jeri Rosenblum

· “C’mon, it’s not like she was pregnant…” – laura c

· “It doesn’t count if you don’t leave a mark.” – Scott

· “Welcome to New York” – shorty

· “Another dropout from the school of hard knocks” – jm

· “Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours” – red

· “No, That’s a Term of Three To Ten” – Boyhowdy

· “Dad has a lot of explaining to do” – Mr. Uncreative

· “For endearment, you tend to go for the groin” – ruth

· “Tyler Durden: The Final Years” – Mr. Nobody

· “Punchline” – Robert Katz

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Parve Wednesday One-liners

Bouncer: You see, the schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup in a restaurant. The schlimazel is the guy who has the soup spilled on him.

–1st & A

Guy: Well, what color was this Jew?

–Fort Greene

Woman on cell: …That’s just so not my thing. I am not that kind of Jew, Larry, okay?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nicole

Lady lawyer: This is a disaster. They should never put non-Jews in charge of the catering.

–Office, Rockefeller Plaza

Chick: Come to think of it, all of my Jewish friends went to summer camp. Isn’t that kind of ironic though; Jews at camp?

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Amanda

Teen boy: I want to be Jewish when I grow up.

–A train

Overheard by: drewseph

Guy on cell: You deserve a gold Jewish Star of David!…Did you swallow?…Yeah, that’s true, one step at a time.

–Astoria

Overheard by: SEM

Scenes from the Scene

Dude: Shit in the pussy!
Wolf Parade singer: …Did someone just say “shit in the pussy”?

–Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street

Overheard by: claudia gallego

Suit: Hey asshole standing up, sit the fuck down!
Hipster guy: Hey asshole sitting down, stand the fuck up!
Suit: I didnt pay $800 to look at the back of your head!
Hipster guy: Come down here and try something and i’ll sue your ass! Nice suit, fag!

–Cream Concert, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: zetasmack

Girl: Hey, you guys were great. If you’re not doing anything after, call my number, I wrote it next to the monument [on this dollar].
Jurassic 5 singer: Wow..uh, great. Take care, now.
Girl: Yeah, see you later.
Jurassic 5 singer: …Dude, she just gave me her phone number. You take it.
Guy: Yeah? Wow, thanks!
Jurassic 5 singer: Yeah, but buddy, you make sure you tap that shit, now, y’hear? A’right.

–70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sharon B

Pat O’Brien: Um, excuse me…
Bouncer: Oh shit, that’s Pat O’Brien, that’s my peoples.
Guy: …Aw, come on, we’ve been waiting out here for an hour and Pat O’Brien gets in?
Bouncer: Yo, don’t step, Pat O’Brien is good peoples.

–Canal Room, West Broadway

Drag queen: Madonna should die! She sucks! She’s a rapist, not an artist!…Madonna should die! I’ll kill her!
Guy: Get a vagina, bitch!

–The Roxy, West 18th Street

Overheard by: G-Lock