Archive for the ‘Bouncers’ Category

It's Hard to Go Back to Vanilla Once You've Had M&M

Bouncer: What is *with* you tonight?
Girl promoting free comedy show: I had sex last night and I want everyone to be happy for me! His ball sack melted in my mouth! (to passerby) Free comedy show downstairs tonight! (a second later, screaming across the street) His ball sack melted in my mouth!

–Bleecker Street

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…

–Broadway Caribou Coffee

Overheard by: jenny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Overheard by: christine

30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: James from Jersey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

Depends on the Face

Barfly: It was a term of endearment.

Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face. –2×4, 2nd Ave & 4th St Overheard by: Cait O’Connor (and Foley)

Headline by: Dave Barnette
Runners-Up:
· “And Assault Isn’t A Spice, Either” – Kathy

· “Aww, you just feel left out.” – Alaine

· “He Said He Wanted Another Hit” – Playtah

· “He’s playing hard to get” – Jeri Rosenblum

· “C’mon, it’s not like she was pregnant…” – laura c

· “It doesn’t count if you don’t leave a mark.” – Scott

· “Welcome to New York” – shorty

· “Another dropout from the school of hard knocks” – jm

· “Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours” – red

· “No, That’s a Term of Three To Ten” – Boyhowdy

· “Dad has a lot of explaining to do” – Mr. Uncreative

· “For endearment, you tend to go for the groin” – ruth

· “Tyler Durden: The Final Years” – Mr. Nobody

· “Punchline” – Robert Katz

Click here to see the new Headline Contest